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1Zaslowcrane1
November 27th, 2016, 10:36 PM
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thepancreas11
November 29th, 2016, 08:01 PM
Well, that was super cute. I want my house to be infested with tiny robot friends.

The strength of this story comes from the idea. It's original, crafty, and funny. You executed pretty well too: I had no idea that's where we were headed. Personally, I thought they were about to start an affair or something. If anything, the surprise came a little too hard. Maybe some subtle hints that lead in to that sort of thing or clues so that the story kind of leads to that climax. A twist this deep might be too much.

Your biggest problem is that you have a lot of unnatural sentences. Some are too long, some overstuffed with all sorts of unnecessary words, and some that seem to be manufactured in such a way as to be stylistic and not realistic. That's a choice you have to really go for. You either hit it hard, or you don't hit it at all. Read this piece out loud. For the most part, if you can't finish a sentence in a regular breath, it's too long. If you read something and it doesn't sound like a something you would say to someone else, strike it or revise it (this goes for those thoughts especially: they're too clunky).

Hope this helps! Keep writing!

1Zaslowcrane1
December 18th, 2016, 11:11 PM
Thank you for your thoughts! I'm trying to "find" my voice...I'll go back over it.