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Ultraroel
November 25th, 2016, 06:02 PM
Hey guys.

I rewrote and replotted a story that I started and this is the introduction to the bad guy and the only time you'll hear from him. I'm trying to find my voice and think I'm quite consistent in it. As always:
ANY kind of feedback is appreciated.

__________________________________________________

Continuous flashes of green and purple illuminated the lower sections of the two sculptures that towered above the canopy of the forest. Thrifk soared through the darkening sky towards the eerily glowing statues. Had his wisp-form allowed him to smile, it would have cracked his face in two with complacency. Instead, the treetops below him lit up in a myriad of colors, reflecting his excitement and impatience for the ritual that would complete the installation of the artifact.
The flashing statues; twisted, wicked resemblances of the Myln and the Murn were translucent at the top, gradually turning opaque towards the bottom. Once the artifact began to increase its influence, they would quickly turn opaque in full and the first corrections would enter this world.


It had been quiet in the forest lately, most of the wild life fled this part of the forest as the statues first crashed into the fertile soil. Those who didn't flee quickly lost their appetite and shrunken, motionless shapes of animals were now hidden underneath a fragile blanket of leaves and twigs.


“A new beginning should be heralded by death and decay.” Thrifk whispered to himself as his eyes passed the skeletons of trees that once harbored scores of small animals.


“Aren't all changes in the world brought forth by violence and fitting destruction?” He brooded as he drifted towards the base of the statues.


The artifact seemed to shimmer in his sight, as if covered by a fine mist, sometimes materializing in thin air and then dissipating. The orb pulsated green and purple in the gloomy light of dawn, sending crackling forks of green and purple into the monstrous statues. Six multi-hued spheres of different sizes encircled the artifact in pairs. Each sometimes exploding in color, seeping their strength into the pulsating artifact. He puffed with pride at his magnificent hand work and the wonderful sight, then concentrated and channeled earth, fire and water to assume his physical form. The soil, leaves and sticks underneath him flared up in bright colors then faded quickly as his body formed around his essence.


The last part of the ritual needed control and subtlety that was hard to maintain in this esoteric form. After centuries of mastering the elements, manipulating the flows of the earth, water, wind and fire to his will, the first few wobbly steps in his body still felt peculiar. Swaying on his feet he struggled to keep his balance, but managed to stay upright. His vision blurred and moved before his eyes snapped together and formed a clear picture of the long, white finger that he held up. What a wonderful and dreadful sensation at the same time! The elemental power raged through his veins, its ecstatic power within reach of a thought. Smells of molding wood and decaying carcasses under the carpet of leaves fought for his attention but he quickly channeled air to stopper his nostrils. The clearing in front of him flared up in purple, then the only source of light were the crackling spheres.The inconveniences of the body were well worth the increased control and sense of ecstasy that it provided.


With his vision clear and under control, he staggered towards the biggest of the spheres. He loved the peculiar feeling of unfamiliarity and how feeling returned to his otherwise unused senses. The spere was twice his own physical size and contained a hulking Murn. Thrifk chuckled and the gaze of hate, anger and defiance of the Murn seeemed to increase in intensity. The orb released crackling flashes louder and more often than before.


“Good.” Thrifk tapped the Murn on the forehead, raised his finger and pointed at one of the spheres. “Hate me. The more you hate me, the faster it will all be done. I wonder what happens if I hurt him”


His hand still in the air, Thrifk channeled a trickle of fire and wind and a torrent of fire circled around, then engulfed the smaller sphere in a sickly green sea of flames. The air around him shimmered, then in a torrent of multicolored flashes and arcing lightnings impacted the artifact. If the others were that strong, it wouldn't take long before the artifact would be ready. Smiling, Thrifk looped the elements to keep the sea of flames from dissipating and turned himself to the second large sphere in the circle. Before long, the air buzzed with three spheres covered in water, flames and thorns while the larger spheres exploded in a constant stream of flashing crackles.


The other Murn turned out to be as strong, one even stronger and it didn't take long before the artifact stopped it shimmering and started to materialize. Stars decorated the clear sky when finally, the artifact landed heavily on the soil. Waving his hand, Thrifk released the elemental loops around the spheres, then released his prisoners. They dropped to the ground motionless, but alive.


“You are here,” Thrifk caressed the blood red orb, with translucent white forks the surface. “to witness the beginning of your society's end. We all know these crystals have prevented your extinction. It's an abomination, a thorn deeply driven into our souls, that you were able to cheat your way into the game.”


The prisoners didn't respond, their breathes ragged and shallow. Thrifk could see a trickle of something in their eyes. Was it wonder?


“Though you may not know. We are the referees, we are the arbiters here and we have the final say. We should never have allowed these tools in the first place and now I found the way to undo what has been wrong for such a long time.” He said. “A new start, for you. A rollback before the time of “Vlut and Grek. This orb is the cure to your disease.”


He channeled only a trickle of power into the orb. One by one, the chests of the Murn and Myln exploded into a thousand shards.

Ptolemy
November 25th, 2016, 09:00 PM
Hey guys.

I rewrote and replotted a story that I started and this is the introduction to the bad guy and the only time you'll hear from him. I'm trying to find my voice and think I'm quite consistent in it. As always:
ANY kind of feedback is appreciated.

__________________________________________________

Continuous flashes of green and purple illuminated the lower sections of the two sculptures that towered above the canopy of the forest. Thrifk soared through the darkening sky towards the eerily glowing statues. Had his wisp-form allowed him to smile, it would have cracked his face in two with complacency. Instead, the treetops below him lit up in a myriad of colors, reflecting his excitement and impatience for the ritual that would complete the installation of the artifact.
The flashing statues; twisted, wicked resemblances of the Myln and the Murn were translucent at the top, gradually turning opaque towards the bottom. Once the artifact began to increase its influence, they would quickly turn opaque in full and the first corrections would enter this world.


It had been quiet in the forest lately, most of the wild life fled this part of the forest as the statues first crashed into the fertile soil. Those who didn't flee quickly lost their appetite and shrunken, motionless shapes of animals were now hidden underneath a fragile blanket of leaves and twigs.


“A new beginning should be heralded by death and decay.” Thrifk whispered to himself as his eyes passed the skeletons of trees that once harbored scores of small animals.


“Aren't all changes in the world brought forth by violence and fitting destruction?” He brooded as he drifted towards the base of the statues.


The artifact seemed to shimmer in his sight, as if covered by a fine mist, sometimes materializing in thin air and then dissipating. The orb pulsated green and purple in the gloomy light of dawn, sending crackling forks of green and purple into the monstrous statues. Six multi-hued spheres of different sizes encircled the artifact in pairs. Each sometimes exploding in color, seeping their strength into the pulsating artifact. He puffed with pride at his magnificent hand work and the wonderful sight, then concentrated and channeled earth, fire and water to assume his physical form. The soil, leaves and sticks underneath him flared up in bright colors then faded quickly as his body formed around his essence.


The last part of the ritual needed control and subtlety that was hard to maintain in this esoteric form. After centuries of mastering the elements, manipulating the flows of the earth, water, wind and fire to his will, the first few wobbly steps in his body still felt peculiar. Swaying on his feet he struggled to keep his balance, but managed to stay upright. His vision blurred and moved before his eyes snapped together and formed a clear picture of the long, white finger that he held up. What a wonderful and dreadful sensation at the same time! The elemental power raged through his veins, its ecstatic power within reach of a thought. Smells of molding wood and decaying carcasses under the carpet of leaves fought for his attention but he quickly channeled air to stopper his nostrils. The clearing in front of him flared up in purple, then the only source of light were the crackling spheres.The inconveniences of the body were well worth the increased control and sense of ecstasy that it provided.


With his vision clear and under control, he staggered towards the biggest of the spheres. He loved the peculiar feeling of unfamiliarity and how feeling returned to his otherwise unused senses. The spere was twice his own physical size and contained a hulking Murn. Thrifk chuckled and the gaze of hate, anger and defiance of the Murn seeemed to increase in intensity. The orb released crackling flashes louder and more often than before.


“Good.” Thrifk tapped the Murn on the forehead, raised his finger and pointed at one of the spheres. “Hate me. The more you hate me, the faster it will all be done. I wonder what happens if I hurt him”


His hand still in the air, Thrifk channeled a trickle of fire and wind and a torrent of fire circled around, then engulfed the smaller sphere in a sickly green sea of flames. The air around him shimmered, then in a torrent of multicolored flashes and arcing lightnings impacted the artifact. If the others were that strong, it wouldn't take long before the artifact would be ready. Smiling, Thrifk looped the elements to keep the sea of flames from dissipating and turned himself to the second large sphere in the circle. Before long, the air buzzed with three spheres covered in water, flames and thorns while the larger spheres exploded in a constant stream of flashing crackles.


The other Murn turned out to be as strong, one even stronger and it didn't take long before the artifact stopped it shimmering and started to materialize. Stars decorated the clear sky when finally, the artifact landed heavily on the soil. Waving his hand, Thrifk released the elemental loops around the spheres, then released his prisoners. They dropped to the ground motionless, but alive.


“You are here,” Thrifk caressed the blood red orb, with translucent white forks the surface. “to witness the beginning of your society's end. We all know these crystals have prevented your extinction. It's an abomination, a thorn deeply driven into our souls, that you were able to cheat your way into the game.”


The prisoners didn't respond, their breathes ragged and shallow. Thrifk could see a trickle of something in their eyes. Was it wonder?


“Though you may not know. We are the referees, we are the arbiters here and we have the final say. We should never have allowed these tools in the first place and now I found the way to undo what has been wrong for such a long time.” He said. “A new start, for you. A rollback before the time of “Vlut and Grek. This orb is the cure to your disease.”


He channeled only a trickle of power into the orb. One by one, the chests of the Murn and Myln exploded into a thousand shards.

The flashing statues;(,)twisted, wicked resemblances
After 'statutes' should be a comma not a semicolon, it destroys the tone and flow of the sentence.

Once the artifact began to increase its influence, they would quickly turn opaque in full and the first corrections would enter this world.
Thanks for telling me, I can see the future too. In all seriousness though show me this, don't tell me. For one it kind of messes with the tone of the narrator. You give a present tense voice for the first two sentences, then a future look (his smile) then you switch back to present tense for two more sentences, then you add back in this clairvoyant sentence out of nowhere.

If you are going to have a clairvoyant narrator (a narrator that can tell us, the readers, the future) you need to keep it for the entire length of the story. Unfortunately, you do not. (heck you even go into past tense too "It had been quiet in the forest lately" in the second paragraph but that is perfectly fine.) Overall, it messes with the flow and tone of the narrator, and hence the story. I suggest rewriting where you can show us this, not tell us of the future.

Another suggestion is to change the story's narrator completely to where it is all clairvoyant. This, however, is horrendously difficult for any writer, skilled or not, to achieve though.

“A new beginning should be heralded by death and decay.” Thrifk whispered to himself as his eyes passed the skeletons of trees that once harbored scores of small animals.


“Aren't all changes in the world brought forth by violence and fitting destruction?” He brooded as he drifted towards the base of the statues.

Combine these two paragraphs into this: (I my suggestions are in red)

“A new beginning should be heralded by death and decay,” Thrifk whispered to himself as his eyes passed the skeletons of trees that once harbored scores of small animals. (cut he brooded)He drifted towards the base of the statues, Aren't all changes in the world brought forth by violence and fitting destruction? (New paragraph)

Why would you separate dialogue by the same character? The answer is: you usually don't. This is not an exception. I know you were trying to get two different tones and therefore you switched it up with whisper and brooded. I get the sense of brooding from Thrifk's rhetoric and ominous question, and using italics you can convey his thinking without clashing with his whispering. Italics are commonly known as internal thought, I suggest using them.

The artifact seemed to shimmer in his sight, as if covered by a fine mist, sometimes materializing in thin air and then dissipating
I liked the show here. I got a good feel of what the artifact looks like, it glows, materializes, etc. Good Job.

then concentrated and channeled earth, fire and water to assume his physical form.
Okay, point here, I liked the subtle use of only three of the five natural elements. You exclude air and aether, I enjoy excluding both of these because it says something subtle to his character. To me, earth is the gritty element that gives a man a base, fire is the evilness, and water is neutral with a change to sway and extinguish fire. You exclude air, something when used in a concentrated way can build a fire (grow his evilness) but if used uncontrollably can extinguish the evil within. This may be an excellent foreshadow in his character that his obession with adding to his evilness could eventually result in his demise. The exclusion of aether is also brilliant. It shows that Thrifk, is a complex being who lacks that "etherical space" in his character, which can push him to evilness, since aether would destroy the fire that composes him. Well done.


Alright, this took over a half of an hour to write, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, but I'm close to fried at 3 in the afternoon. So I want to get these points down, and I'll add more later on if I can.

1Zaslowcrane1
November 25th, 2016, 11:11 PM
Hi
Zaslow here.
I'm that LAST one who should complain about punctuation, but I had a lot of trouble with yours. It was inconsistent and confusing. Also why do you put spaces between lines of dialogue coming from the same person?
Also that third sentence is really clunky. I'd rewrite it if at all possible.
Second paragraph, second sentence- you've left out at least one important word about the animals.
It may be clear in your mind, but it needs to be clear to the reader. I'm not saying that I want to be spoonfed, just write the situations so they can be easily understood.
Best of luck! Best wishes!

Pluralized
November 27th, 2016, 02:31 AM
I actually thought this was a lot of fun, inventive and fantastic in its own way. I like fantasy stories that aren't afraid to put all those orbs and statues and purple lightning and green fire and weird names out there. So good work on that score for sure. Hope you'll share more. Wouldn't think editing for punctuation at this stage is terribly useful, but I'll agree that there are a few instances that gave me pause.

Most importantly, nice correct use of the possessive 'its' - probably one of the most commonly misused words around. Nice and refreshing to see people using it correctly.

The title does not work for me but maybe personal bias.

I wasn't 100% clear on what the artifact was, how the Myln and Murn related to it, and why they had to be blown up at the end. A few too many orbs or a too few major revelations to allow us to plant our feet in time and space. Well written though for an ambitious, enthusiastic fantasy narrative and I would love to read more.

Once the artifact began to increase its influence - its - you should be commended for this. There ought be medals given out for this.

most of the wild life fled this part of the forest - wildlife

his magnificent hand work - handiwork

defiance of the Murn seeemed to increase - seemed

“Hate me. The more you hate me, the faster it will all be done. I wonder what happens if I hurt him” - This last bit was incongruous, and needs terminating punctuation in any event.

The air around him shimmered, then in a torrent of multicolored flashes and arcing lightnings impacted the artifact. - I was not clear on what impacted the artifact. The air? Also 'arcing' is a bit of an ask.

their breathes ragged and shallow. - breaths - although not sure that's really the best way either. Maybe 'their ragged and shallow breath' and it could be one of those singular/plural anomalies we all get away with from time to time.

trickle of something in their eyes. - Perhaps a twinkle? Also noticed this same word used a few sentences later, so would review either way.

Good stuff - hope you'll continue to share and interact here. I enjoyed reading this.

Ultraroel
November 28th, 2016, 03:27 PM
Thanks a lot guys. I'm happy you were able to enjoy my humble writing and took time and effort to tell me where it could be better.

Just another question for you guys plotwise.

The artifact is being fed with rage. The crystals of their races are actually tools that allow the smaller Myln to control the Murns battle-rage and keep them in line at the battlefield. This is the base on which their entire society is build. (Myln are too weak too hold off armies on their own and Murn are too unorganised and battle-eager to survive on their own as a race.) Each of my race will have to fight/deal with an artifact that will cause the base of their society to tremble.
This one is an artifact that fills up with hate and rage (The base of the battle strength of the society) harnesses it and lashes out at crystals that get close and will corrupt those who are further away.

Should I make the more clear here? Or is this enough to pique interest?

@Ptolemy. "Once the artifact began to increase its influence, they would quickly turn opaque in full and the first corrections would enter this world. "
I must have some issues with Claitvoyant and not. Cause Thrifk knows it would happen, doesn't this mean that I can convey it? I realize now that it doesn't matter at all and should be scrapped. But regardless, if Thrifk knows, I can tell the reader or am I misunderstanding the concept here?

I willdefinitely see what I can do with the tenses and foretelling the future. I feel it might improve this little piece of text quite a lot. Thank you.

@1Zaslowcrane1: Thanks. yeah, punctuation sometimes get lost when I'm eager, though I wasn't sure how much of a mess it is. Maybe due to me not being a native speaker, but will definitely get into it deeper.
I think my punctuation skills were never there, I learned English while gaming and reading, but never paid it much heed. I know its a facet of writing that I will have to address at some point :)

@Pluralized: See above for the punctuation skills. I will refrain from cluttering this answer with this. I personally also really enjoy the visual and "slightly" over the top fantasy settings and I intend to make part of this as such.
I actually had written down handiwork, but then decided I made the word up as I couldn't find it in the dictionary.

Thanks. Will rewrite later and probably update for fun :)

Ptolemy
November 28th, 2016, 09:17 PM
Thanks a lot guys. I'm happy you were able to enjoy my humble writing and took time and effort to tell me where it could be better.

Just another question for you guys plotwise.

The artifact is being fed with rage. The crystals of their races are actually tools that allow the smaller Myln to control the Murns battle-rage and keep them in line at the battlefield. This is the base on which their entire society is build. (Myln are too weak too hold off armies on their own and Murn are too unorganised and battle-eager to survive on their own as a race.) Each of my race will have to fight/deal with an artifact that will cause the base of their society to tremble.
This one is an artifact that fills up with hate and rage (The base of the battle strength of the society) harnesses it and lashes out at crystals that get close and will corrupt those who are further away.

Should I make the more clear here? Or is this enough to pique interest?

@Ptolemy. "Once the artifact began to increase its influence, they would quickly turn opaque in full and the first corrections would enter this world. "
I must have some issues with Claitvoyant and not. Cause Thrifk knows it would happen, doesn't this mean that I can convey it? I realize now that it doesn't matter at all and should be scrapped. But regardless, if Thrifk knows, I can tell the reader or am I misunderstanding the concept here?

I willdefinitely see what I can do with the tenses and foretelling the future. I feel it might improve this little piece of text quite a lot. Thank you.

@1Zaslowcrane1: Thanks. yeah, punctuation sometimes get lost when I'm eager, though I wasn't sure how much of a mess it is. Maybe due to me not being a native speaker, but will definitely get into it deeper.
I think my punctuation skills were never there, I learned English while gaming and reading, but never paid it much heed. I know its a facet of writing that I will have to address at some point :)

@Pluralized: See above for the punctuation skills. I will refrain from cluttering this answer with this. I personally also really enjoy the visual and "slightly" over the top fantasy settings and I intend to make part of this as such.
I actually had written down handiwork, but then decided I made the word up as I couldn't find it in the dictionary.

Thanks. Will rewrite later and probably update for fun :)


On in the point I made, have him think it as a thought. It reads wrong when told through the narrator, if you had Thrifk think about it, it would give us as readers a view into what would happen.

Just a thought

Ultraroel
November 29th, 2016, 01:34 PM
Thanks again! I decided to do it a little different, though I'm not sure whether its an improvement.
I have two versions now and will leave it for a while now and move on with the next chapter to keep myself going, else I'll be reviewing and revising till I weigh an ounce.

As always, any kind of remarks are greatly appreciated :D

__________________________________________

Continuous flashes of green and purple illuminated the lower sections of the two sculptures that towered above the canopy of the forest. Thrifk soared through the darkening sky towards the eerily glowing statues. Had his wisp-form allowed him to smile, it would have cracked his face in two with complacency. Instead, the treetops below him lit up in a myriad of colors, reflecting his excitement and impatience for the ritual that would complete the installation of the artifact. The flashing statues; twisted, wicked resemblances of the Myln and the Murn were translucent at the top, gradually turning opaque towards the bottom. The colors below him flared up in excited anticipation, those statues were going to be impressive.

The forest was quiet, all animals were long gone. Most fled as soon as the statues first crashed into the fertile soil and started to spread their corruption. Those who did not, had their shrunken, twisted and malformed carcasses covered by a fragile blanket of leaves and twigs. Skeletons of trees raised their branches towards the dim sky as if protesting the cruel exposure of their private hiding places.

“A new beginning should be heralded by death and decay.” Thrifk whispered to himself as his eyed the decaying trunks and rotten forestfloor. He drifted towards the base of the statues. “Aren't all changes in the world brought forth by violence and fitting destruction?”

The artifact seemed to shimmer in his sight, as if covered by a fine mist, sometimes materializing in thin air and then dissipating. It pulsated green and purple in the gloomy light of dawn, sending crackling forks of green and purple into the monstrous statues. Six multi-hued spheres of different sizes encircled the artifact in pairs. Each sometimes exploding in color, seeping their strength into the pulsating artifact. Thrifk puffed with pride at his magnificent handiwork and the wonderful sight, then concentrated and channeled earth, fire and water to assume his physical form. The soil, leaves and sticks underneath him flared up in bright colors then faded quickly as his body formed around his essence.

The last part of the ritual needed control and subtlety that was hard to maintain in this esoteric form. After centuries of mastering the elements, manipulating the flows of the earth, water, wind and fire to his will, the first few wobbly steps in his body still felt peculiar. He swayed on his feet, struggling to keep his balance, but managed to stay upright. His vision blurred and moved before his eyes snapped together and formed a clear picture of the long, white finger that he held up. What a wonderful and dreadful sensation at the same time! The elemental power raged through his veins, its ecstatic power within reach of a thought. Smells of mold and decaying carcasses under the carpet of leaves fought for his attention but he quickly channeled air to stopper his nostrils. The clearing in front of him flared up in purple, then the only source of light were the crackling spheres. The inconveniences of the body were well worth the increased control and sense of ecstasy that it provided.

With his vision clear and under control, he staggered towards the biggest of the spheres. He loved the peculiar feeling of unfamiliarity and how feeling returned to his otherwise alien senses. The sphere was twice his own physical size and contained a hulking Murn. Thrifk chuckled and the gaze of hate, anger and defiance of the Murn seemed to increase in intensity. The orb released crackling flashes louder and more often than before.

“Good. Show me that legendary rage. Show me how you want to tear me to pieces with your bare hands. How you want to strip this skin of my physical body.” Thrifk tapped the Murn on the forehead, raised his finger and pointed at one of the spheres. Channeling only a little of fire and wind, a small cyclone of fire slowly made its way to the smaller sphere. “I wonder what happens if I hurt him”

Opening his hands, Thrifk channeled a trickle more of the fire and wind and the cyclone transformed to a torrent of fire that circled around himself, then engulfed the smaller sphere in a sickly green sea of flames. The air around him shimmered as the sphere harnessed the Murns rage, then in a torrent of multicolored flashes and arcing lightnings, that power impacted the artifact. If the others were that strong, it wouldn't take long before the artifact would be ready. Smiling, Thrifk looped the elements to keep the sea of flames from dissipating and turned himself to the second large sphere in the circle. Before long, the air buzzed with three spheres covered in water, flames and thorns while the larger spheres erupted in a constant stream of flashing crackles.

The other Murn turned out to be as strong, one even stronger and it didn't take long before the artifact stopped its shimmering and slowly materialized. Stars decorated the clear sky when finally, the artifact landed heavily on the soil. Waving his hand, Thrifk released the elemental loops around the spheres, then released his prisoners. They dropped to the ground motionless, but alive.

“You are here,” Thrifk caressed the blood red orb, with translucent white forks the surface. “to witness the beginning of your society's end. We all know these crystals have prevented your extinction. It's an abomination, a thorn deeply driven into our souls, that you were able to cheat your way into the game.”

The prisoners didn't respond, their breathes ragged and shallow. Thrifk could see a twinkle of something in their eyes. Was it wonder?

“Though you may not know. We are the referees, we are the arbiters here and we have the final say. We should never have allowed these tools in the first place and now I found the way to undo what has been wrong for such a long time.” He said. “A new start, for you.. A rollback before the time of “Vlut and Grek. This orb is the cure to your disease. Soon your friends will realize that your salvation will be your downfall.”

He channeled only a trickle of power into the orb. One by one, the chests of the Murn and Myln exploded into a thousand shards. Then, using those blood-covered shards, Thrifk started the long and delicate ritual to seal the artifact into the forest. Around him, the dead trees illumined in flashes of green and purple.