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View Full Version : Paradiso (Flash Fiction) (426 Words)



CrimsonAngel223
November 20th, 2016, 12:04 AM
Italy was like a heavenly place for me, anyone would want to live here, when I was a boy staring out into the space with friends of mine. We saw the constellations and laid our backs among the hill of the wooded acre in the night. My head turned to the right when I saw my friend who fiddled with his flashlight in the sky. Playful as we were, this was our time... our last time to be kids before I left for good.

‘Vaghi, you see that star above your eye? That is what I want to be!’

‘How come? is just star.’

‘You see my paradise is just waiting for me upon this night, this night among the void of black, this night upon the golden stars that just stay endlessly in their heaven.’

We repeated to each other these words as I finished my statement.

‘It’s what we choose, and what we choose to become, stars of a paradise above!’

I rose.

‘After all this, Italy, the greatest country of all human beings, you have all these history and glorious life of the practitioners to the cosmos, you have the pioneers of the garments that you wear, Gucci! You have this endless rolling hills and trees shaped so hackneyed, but I adore it, I adore it all...’

‘I can tell how much you like Italy man! Is interesting!’

Adding ‘Sit now! We keep looking at stars!’

‘I would love nothing more than to do that.’

I spoke much profoundly and a little philosophical.

‘Although I wish I could come back here and be a Paradiso head for the rest of my life, and you can bet that I will return.’

‘I can imagine amico, friend of republica Italiana...’

He put a hand, signalling me to sit down.

‘Nothing like it!’

A voice started booming out of nowhere and out came an older man with his hound scouring for anyone that was within his radius in the warm night air.

‘What was that!?’

‘Is go!’ he said.

The stars began to disappear and my eye saw its disappearance and I swore I would come back again after all this enlightenment I had taken in. My Paradiso will begin and I will arrive again here as a man that I promised myself. It will happen!

‘Ragazzi, Andiamo!’

‘Giovanna will I see you again?’

‘Si amico!’

‘Take care all! Arrivederci!'

I left despite the hour to depart from a crazed Italian psycho with an angry voice on the road back to my cousin’s home.

Bard_Daniel
November 27th, 2016, 02:37 AM
Hello!

I'm not an expert at flash-fiction but I think you've got to, in my words, make a point very quickly. There has to be something immediately gripping and substantial about the plot, the characters or the style. I didn't feel that this piece captured it for me. It seems like you have the basic framework for a piece of flash but that you really have to make it poignant what you want to get across here. You have a lot of dialogue here that you may want to trim back a bit to get to the heart of the matter. Also, your last line seems to be apart from the rest of the story and I'm not sure if it belongs. I liked your idea and think it can really work if you add a bit more description and use your dialogue to your advantage, placing it at the right points interspersed between description to make them strong. I hope I'm making sense here and keep in mind this is just my opinion.

Thanks for sharing nonetheless and keep on writing!

CrimsonAngel223
November 27th, 2016, 10:42 PM
Thank you.

1Zaslowcrane1
November 28th, 2016, 07:15 AM
Thank you.

Zaslow here...
Okay,
I understand thE ESL implications , but you've simply got to put the story in a form where any ENGLISH speaker can grasp it!

Aside from that I sort of liked the story...

Z

CrimsonAngel223
November 28th, 2016, 08:07 AM
dude, I can't really do that. Because I wanted to make the story authentic, It would lose it's magic if i did.