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View Full Version : The Bear From Across the Street (Language, mature content, grotesque)



CrimsonAngel223
November 13th, 2016, 04:49 AM
‘Turn that shit down!’ went the father and mother.

The guests of a party were discussing some splendid matters over a glass of red wine when Harries friends were blasting some heavy metal downstairs in the basement. ‘Vrrmm vrrrmm vrrmm!’ They went air guitaring all day and did some worshiping to a god.

‘All hail my master! MY MASTER, MY MASTER, MY MASTER.’ they said.

‘What’s going on down there?’ went the mom.

‘Leave us alone mom.’ replied Harry.

‘Tell me what’s happening harry, your not ‘Vrrmm’ ‘Vrrmming’ are you?’

He lied. ‘I’m keeping quiet down here mom!’

‘Good to hear!’

Adding ‘Turn that damn music off! You liar!’

The music was turned off and the boys stared in silence at the godly entity made of everyday materials that Harry scavenged up. Sandpaper, glue, play doh, dog skin, everything that he needed to create his masterpiece of god.

It suddenly out of the blue started speaking.

‘Omfgwhatishappeningthisissoweirdholycrap!’ he went.

His friends said the same thing.

‘Omfgwhatishappeningthisissoweirdholycrap!’

‘Harry are you hearing this?’ said one his friends.

‘Fuck yeah!’

‘Omfgwhatarewegoingtodowiththisthingthatittalksnow ?’

‘I don’t know…’

Glass plates and other things from the basement started breaking and the air from the room became a foul odor.

‘Ewww!’ went Harry’s friends.

‘Greetings!’

Suddenly they ended up fetching dead animals from the street as Harry’s dog was pulling a headless gazelle from the snowy suburbs into the house.

A bear plowed up on the street as headless as it was.

‘Dead bear?’ went Sammy.

‘Our god said that we must fetch this bear?’ went Harry

‘He said it would cure his depression and do something about your parents, they’re annoying am I right?’

He put his hands in his pocket. ‘Yeah…’

The streets were full of these bears and they went searching for these nasty overgrown beasts things until the fall of dark.

Srossics
November 15th, 2016, 03:51 AM
For the most part I thought this was a good piece of writing. I, however, hope you plan to edit it (more than I hope you already have). I noticed a good amount of mistakes.

Sometimes you say "Went the father and mother", "went Harry's friends", etc.; and sometimes you say "said one of his friends", and "they said". I as a reader am confused as to why you say it two different ways. I don't mind you choosing one of the two, but don't use both. It was jarring and took me out of the piece.

'Omfgwhatarewegoingtodowiththisthingthaittalksnow' Please don't do this. I know you want to show that the character is talking fast, but it's hard to read like this. You could make spelling mistakes and have multiple, unintended meanings. (It might also be intended to be gibberish, but I didn't get that right away, which is another problem entirely.)
Ex 1) "Omfg what are we going to do with this thing tha it talks now"
Ex 2) "Omfg what are we going to do with this thing tha it talk snow"
To fix this, you could space out each word and write, "___ said so rapidly they couldn't breathe." (or something along those lines) which seems much more natural to read. Also, I wouldn't add acronyms. Not everyone knows what you mean, and it could be really confusing to the reader that doesn't know what "Omfg" means.

You also wrote, "Glass plates and other things from the basement started breaking and the air from the room became a foul odor." which can be a lot better.
1) You could actually tell us what broke down in the basement aside from glass plates to be more descriptive.
2) Air can't become a foul odor. It is a constant thing that never really changes much and because something else is making the place smell bad, it would be particles of or from that that makes the place smell. Instead, you could say "A foul odor wafted through the air" or something along those lines.

Also, add more dialogue tags. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's talking.

It's a good work in progress! I hope you take my advice into consideration, and I would like to read more, if you continue to update it.

senecaone
November 15th, 2016, 08:45 AM
you need to mix up your "wents". He went, went sally, she went is just too repetitive and doesn't add anything to the dialogue
Use that spot to speak emotion instead of just using "went" as a placeholder every time. "He exclaimed", "said sally quietly", "she whispered", "he shouted". Stuff like that.
:-)

CrimsonAngel223
November 15th, 2016, 11:34 PM
Thanks. Will do. I kind of freely wrote this story, didn't do too much outlining so that's why it felt a little jarring.