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CrimsonAngel223
November 8th, 2016, 08:16 PM
The Disarm
(Based on a Dream)

“The disarm!”

“I can’t hear you!” went the announcer

“The disarm!”

The tournament began and the mysterious old man went through the gates fighting a battle for only the strong-hearted warrior. Not of his cup of tea though. Swinging his sword across other competitors and intimidatingly scary men with even greater swords. This was his chance.

“I’ll take note of those words!”

The mysteriously old man swung his sword against the opposition and dropped them down. The crowd boomed over and over again ‘the disarm the disarm the disarm the disarm.’

“We’ll see.” whispered the old man

A tiger came in from behind him adjusting its crimson eyes over to the old man, feeling it’s instincts to accompany him in the fight to make him young again. He must partake in such a rigorous task to endure his livability as a human being of only flesh and blood.

Words hovered over his head and symbols appeared from all sides of the hall, the spectators became symbols themselves all over the stony cerulean dome. Prevailing over the battle and this knowledge that he levered was this means of what he truly was. The boy he once was, was returned to him as the battle went to a close and so entering the tournament was like a restart on his existence.

“Back to the beginning,” he thought

Sitting patiently at his artisan desk, he recounted the symbol on his paper that he didn’t notice when he was about to file for a memoir show-and-tell, he realized in years of his life that this disarm symbol of interestingly zig-zaggy lines perhaps resembling the sun was simply a representation of his age and there was nothing he could do about it in the end.

1Zaslowcrane1
November 24th, 2016, 05:27 PM
Hi
I'm Zaslow
My first impression of this was a quote from your story: “Back to the beginning,”
I have no idea what is happening here, you're missing punctuation that might illuminate the action and you throw a tiger into it near the end and never explain a bit as to who/why/when. I want you to succeed, heck, I want everyone here to succeed, but you've gotta give me more ( as the reader) to work with.
Finally, a lot of my stories arrive in dream form. After the second or third draft that dream is subsumed by my writing. "I" would include that it was a dream anywhere in the story...But that's just me.
Stay well
Z

The Fantastical
November 24th, 2016, 08:36 PM
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M.R Steiner
December 18th, 2016, 07:55 PM
Hi there Crimson.

I do like a good flash fiction, wrote a few myself. I get that this is based on a dream, but I feel it could do with a little more brevity in the choice of words you use. in a flash fiction, every letter counts and I see some of these descriptions appearing as bricks of exposition when you only have so much time to capture a specific emotion. after all, dreams are emotion personified, this could prove to be a really fun rewarding project if maybe you redraft with more focus on how this dream effected you on a personal level, the translation of this event is arbitrary to the message you want to convey.

since it is based on a dream, I find the assessment that a need of who what and where to be a moot point.

keep at it :)

there's definitely something there.