View Full Version : The Flower

November 3rd, 2016, 08:10 PM
With the summoning of the vase lifting all the warriors from the dirt. Each rising from random places came right and center at the Garden of Botanical Light. Shears and shirts and trousers came along into the half stones of the garden and formed a circle to speak to themselves about the state of the garden and the history of how it was conceived. Bickering, arguing with their blunt shears and mouthy tongues they went, but the unusual flower arose and the master came kneeling among them and commanded to stop talking.

“It’s all I ask,” he said

The glass flower reappeared and they turned their attention from their encircling formation, the Garrison of Leaves looked at the flower and stared.

“Focus now,” the master of vines said

Jack the whip was here back from the seeds of rebirth and that had to be done right now from the fate of the garden was at hand. But the lord was not certain whether he would accept.

“Return,” went the master of vines

They whispered and gave praise to the glass flower as it reanimated itself to the surface.

“Jack the whip, welcome back,”

The master of vines hadn’t had much time they were being attacked by the mystics an entity of eyes that were going to allergy the land with their optical allergic powers to pollenate the land. The warriors of spades shears and shirts had to take their flower to the battlefront and fight against the opposing force that threatens them.

Something the master wanted to give, an order to bring the garden at the protection of the warriors and with the forefront of Jack. The mission was to charge at their hideout and fight the battle that was going to change the future and the land of Glorious Sun. Jack was the son of the sun and he had to follow the sun’s footsteps if he was to ever survive the garden that he was born to behold. The rebirth of jack was all a part of the master’s plan to gather the Garrison’s and before him return them to the forefront of battle to protect the garden. The warriors must stay to map out the land itself as a diversion to confuse the mystics.

“A Diversion?” asked Jack


“Lord of vines, you haven’t known who I truly am do you?”


“I can’t accept this fate, not ever,”

“It is your duty glass flower,”

The boars snouted and barked at Jack harking away in the circle.

“I must remain a seed,”

“You don’t have to,”

“But were a seed once as well vine?”

“We all were and my ancestors before me,”

“Can I trust you’ll ascend all of us to the watery paradise that I desire?”

“But the question is? Will you fight this battle with your thorny might?”

“I could, and you keep your promises?”

“That I will,”


The glass flower grew in size and shattered its glass petals to form a forgiveness to the tower of vigilance for being a seed that became forever entrapped. It’s stem and roots were cut free and it walked among the terrene ground that it had the will to do.

“I am free,”

The master of vines became a vine once again and the boars stood there to their duty to counterattack with their shears to cut the garden as another 2nd weapon against the mystics that will arrive here.

“I’m ready, wish me luck,” went Jack

The celestial dog and mystic eyes were embarking on their way to the garden. The sky above was red and streaks of black swiveling clouds enveloped the realm. Where the Flower was heading he saw the sun being blocked by the black line of clouds covering it.

“Cut the buds and take those mystics down,” went the boar’s

They harked and used their hooves to cut them down conjuring a miniature replica of them and placing them on the map of their botanical garden.

Gro’bek Sacnor Mundane Mercy and Marigold were the chosen warriors to do so. Purified of the new ground they were once seeds of the shadow dirt.

“Who are we!”

“The Garrison of Leaves!” they chanted

Meanwhile on the path to victory Jack took his rose of thorns and formed them into a whip of thorns. He was heir of the weapon and was going to defeat the Celestial Dog and be promised to ascend.

“Where are you Celestial Dog?”

“I am the hound!” exclaimed the Celestial entity

“And I am your friend!” it added

“Nice try!” went Jack

“In all my years of the land of Glorious Sun, you have never been more double-crossed in your life,”


“The master of vines is using you,”

“How can you know that?”

Back at the garden the master of vines was plotting the takeover of the whole realm of outsmarting Jack and the boars by becoming a seed once again letting the rain to wash away the land and making the mystic’s stronger in giving them a sturdier eyesight when it is protected by the vine’s Verdeans.

“It is the other way around sir Jack,”

“Watch the tower of vigilance!”

The tower vein y eye came over to Jack and his whip was unleashed causing the veins to drop to the ground along with just being a mystic in the end.

“I gave forgiveness to that thing!”

“But you killed it,” said the Celestial dog

“It gave this diabolical stare of death,”

“Then it was your duty to slay it, not?

When the rain came, it poured and a wind roared and drove the place above. Everyone including the garden was being ascended to the watery graves of paradise. The master of vines kept this promise but the Celestial Dog was kept on higher ground.

“He gave his promise!”

“That must mean you’ve defeated my mystics,”

The water was reversing pouring instead upwards and all the boars returned as seeds, the flower vase was cracking, the master of vines was back a seed and was the ancestors who roamed the garden’s once after.

“Your mystics are dead HA HA!”

“But I stay on higher ground, and you don’t,”

“But you are a seed like everyone else,”


“And I Jack the whip have come to paradise.”

Harper J. Cole
November 19th, 2016, 04:45 PM
An interesting setting, though it feels a little rushed - we're thrown right into the middle of it and it's hard to keep up with what's happening.

I'd also be careful of grammar mistakes. Every sentence should finish with a period - when you're using quotes, you often seem to drop them out.

For example ...

“That must mean you’ve defeated my mystics,”

... should be ...

“That must mean you’ve defeated my mystics.”

... and ...

“And I am your friend!” it added

...should be ...

“And I am your friend!” it added.

I hope that this is helpful.


November 19th, 2016, 09:46 PM
It's supposed to be a fast-paced story.

November 25th, 2016, 11:31 PM
Hi Zaslow here

Really unclear "sentence"- It's not even a sentence, technically: "With the summoning of the vase lifting all the warriors from the dirt."- It's sa sentence fragment or a part of a compound sentence, dependant upon a verb.

Tense shifting in the middle of the sentence: “Lord of vines, you haven’t known who I truly am do you?”- Unless you're going for some sort of dialect...?

“But were a seed once as well vine?” (WHAT?)

Look, I'm sorry if I come off as a dick, but this isn't readable as it is. I've tried twice now and your punctuation and inconsistencies keep pulling me "out" of the story, and make me go back to re read to see what I thought you were intending to say.
It may be clear in your brain, but it has to be clear to the reader. Again, I don't need to be spoonfed, but you gotta make it clear enough to allow for a flow, so the reader can become immersed in the world you're creating. Without that that...You may have something closer to a textbook, and we're not working this hard writing fiction to have it come off as obtuse and difficult.
Rework? Rewrite?
Best wishes