View Full Version : Master of Gauntlets Prologue (626 words)

November 2nd, 2016, 09:17 PM
Prologue: A History of Eve Nightingale & The Helmet of Nightingale

Armour, greaves and gauntlet were forming the world below from the materials of steel that was creating the land descending down upon the realm that it dropped below in like rain. And in this periodic change of steel and illumination was a magnificent celestial bright light that formed in the air in a powerful way as the formation of a helmet was creating itself from the armour of white that the ground was conjuring. The Helmet of Nightingale ascended upon the sky and took to the clouds to form its kingdom over the clouds as the armour and greaves and gauntlets were plummeting below in many places. In 1A of Cloud-Clock, it was then it began of a dwelling that was turning and shifting about of a place known as the Floating Armoury and when he created this world he promised of people and kingdoms and astral and mystical creatures that were meant to be living in his world and the friends that he wanted to share his land with. And so was the creation of the Wisecloaks and a sorcerer with sisters and brothers to get along with the Wisecloaks but tensions amounted and the Wisecloaks decided to take their armour, greaves, and gauntlets away from the Helmet of Nightingale as he created their way of life and honour of respecting the realm of Eve Nightingale.

“Sorcerer’s! Brothers and sisters I take you in to join the ranks of my new abode! The Climb of Wizards!”

When at his abode years later they were accustomed to the feel for his tower and let them splendor in the practice of unorthodox magic that they possessed for the feel of prodigious power flowing their staff, hands, and let it remain their foundation for the endless arcane that they could muster. Hence they were feeling tiresome with the field of creation that the helmet or ominous god they were being watched upon. That the sorcerer himself Cyrotem went to infiltrate the Floating Armoury to wonder what this god had in store since their inception into this world from the greaves and gauntlet and armour that was summoned to create the continent. The flight began and Cyrotem with after long months of planning ascended to the sky to became a gauntlet that he wanted to become when he knew that this was not be a secret and so to tell them before the flight was a better idea.

“I shall arrive to that white pyre above, I promise of great change in the coming future, great souls of this sliver realm!”

“But how will you arrive to that realm of cadence song?’ asked Layamel.

For the life of me I will find out, through the infiltration of this cove in the sky, wizards! You will remember my plight and returning glee!

‘Glee? Of what kind of glee? What are your chances?’

‘Many chances…’

He stared at them with eyeing sterns ‘I took you in as pilgrims remember? And made you become wizards and you will know my cadence when I arrive! Like the song lords that have passed these realms with each coming day and night’

‘I hear you but I have to be certain that you will arrive safely.’

Adding ‘Can you promise a swift and righteous return brother Cyrotem, the eldest of us?’

‘Know of this! Of Course, and it will come at no cost!’

The rising and bending of the realm was beginning to move at an unpresented rate. Signing for Cyrotem to take an even more of a plight towards the climb and rogue his way to the Sliver-Haven home of the Helmet of Nightingale and it’s suits of Armoury home.

‘Here I go! This is it!’

November 7th, 2016, 05:22 PM
Hey there Crimson, you've got some good stuff here. I like the idea of wizards forging armor, and even though I'm not quite sure as a reader what the dialogue is referring to or where this guy is going, I'm interested in finding out.

If I could offer one piece of advice, I would really like to see shorter sentences. Each sentence in your first paragraph is over 30 words long--one was 57, and one was 63. Those are so, so long to read in one mind's breath! Sometimes shorter sentences really bring impact to what you're trying to say, and in the case here, I'd say longer sentences actually take away from the epic-ness of whats going on.

As a quick example, try this on for size:

Armor. Greaves. Gauntlet. Each fell to the world like drops of steel rain. White armor borne of light began to manifest. Then a new piece was conjured. A new piece--a helmet. The Helmet of Nightingale.

It sprang from the ground and took to the clouds, soaring over its kingdom.

etc. etc.

November 7th, 2016, 06:15 PM
Thanks for your critique I will shorten the sentences for sure It was on my laptop I just had to show it here since my comp wasn't working at all today.

The Fantastical
November 13th, 2016, 04:50 PM
It is an interesting intro, but there were a lot of words in there that didn't need to be and they were obscuring the story. You also had a lot of words that repeated the same meaning.

November 13th, 2016, 10:55 PM
Got it! Thanks for your comments