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Ultraroel
September 1st, 2016, 12:04 PM
Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform as she hurried over the trail. The ground shook violent, leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her. Despite herself, she wanted to see how much space she had, her pursuer was getting closer. She bounced forward on the patches of moss that covered the narrow path that led deeper into the rainforest. It felt as if her chest would burst, her lungs protested with every breath. She darted from side to side to prevent the hunter from blasting her to pieces. She threw herself forward, forcing her legs to keep up. After running at full power for what seemed like hours, she wanted to double up and close her eyes. No, not yet, she couldn't give up now! A huge oak flashed by, it indicated that the trap-zone was near and slowed down a little when she saw the clearing ahead of her.

Trees snapped behind Alexa as dry tinder, bushes protested loudly as they were flattened by her heavy pursuer. The ground shook more violent with every step, it closed in on her, she needed to find the dispell. And fast! She scanned the open space in the forest as she ran along the side. Had she taken a wrong turn? Panicked, she slowed to walking speed. If she was wrong, she had to cross the clearing fast. If she was right, stepping into the clearing would be fatal. Another heavy shock ran through the ground, her teeth chattered from the impact. It must be the wrong clearing, she must have made a mistake. She lifted here foot to step onto the clearing.

"There!" A faint call from the other side of the clearing.

Dimitars head floated above a thornbush on the other side. His hand shot up and he pointed at a small cluster of flowers, a lilac blossom standing out amongst the others. Despite her predicament, anger flared up, but Alexa dashed towards the flowers and tore the small flower from the ground.
The clearing turned into a gaping hole, the illusion gone. Ten paces across and at least twice as deep, she would have plummerted to her death. She shook off the anger for a moment. And ran over the plank in front of her, crossing the pit. It shook of the force of her pursuer and bend down every step she took, but it held. The plank stopped shaking.

She flew over the plank, not caring how far it bend down. An explosive burst of light passed her by hairs and fear gave her the strength to leap towards the edge of the gap. She barely made it and dove forward into the low bushes along the clearing. She hit the ground hard, but she started crawling forward as fast as she could. A torrents of sticks, smoldering leafs and dust blasted around her. She pressed herself against the ground and redoubled her efforts, scraping her knees and elbows.

A flash of light illuminated the clearing accompanied with a loud bang that rung in Alexa's ears. Had they managed to do it? He heart pounded in her chest. Adrenaline gave her the strength to push herself to her knees, but it still took her effort to get up. She gasped for air, but managed to turn around slowly. Unbelievable! The hunter lay inside the smooth pit. One leg flailed the air, the other dug itself deeper and deeper into the muddy ground on the bottom of the hole. Its metal arms groped around to catch a handheld to no avail. It worked! It had actually worked. Her knees buckled and she let herself fall to the ground. She felt as if her legs deflated like a balloon. She grasped for air, tried to inhale and exhale deeply to transfer as much oxygen to her muscles as possible. They couldn't stay for long, but she felt she would not be able to move for days.

In contrast to her body that refused to move, her heart pounded with exhaustion and excitement. They finally caught a metal bastard with a repeated strategy. Finally found a way to strike back at the machines, though small it may be!The rumors may be true, obscure the machines vision and it might not be able to find any counter-measure. It

As she laid down, her heard pounding in her chest and her lungs struggling for breath, she could hear her companions stepping out of the bushes surrounding the gap. Heard some of them climbing down the hole to dispatch of the collossus. Would this change the war for the better?
A small explosion followed by a big hollow boom indicated they detonated a small explosive to destroy the assumed power supply of the metal skeleton. After her crazy, desperate sprint, the ground felt soft as velvet. She turned around to look at the ceiling of leafs, stones and sticks pressed hard into her flesh.

A bald figure bend down into her vision. A diving eagle was tattooed on the side of his head, claws stretched forward towards his eyes. A gecko curled around his ear and a delicate pattern spread down his neck. His deep brown eyes showed a hint of worry.

"We told you it would be on the left side." he said. "I thought you were a goner."

He bend down and offered her his hand. She pretended not to see his hand, did not look at him at all. She felt like doubling up, felt like crying untill she fell asleep.

She shrugged instead, "Left, right.. it's all the same sometimes."

Ttheir eyes met and she let out a heavy draw of breath.

"Thank you." she said, " I decided I miscalculated. If you weren't there.."

There was no need to say more. The magical illusion was necessary to trick the machine into the clearing, into the carefully prepared hole. This was their first attempt to purposely bait one of the hunters that the main force of the machines consisted of. Heavy, towering machines packed with firepower that had harassed her race since the start of the Big War.

"But I was. And even if that hunter was right behind you, I would have done the same."

He pinched his eyes. "Did it hit you? Or do you think our mission is completed already?"

Alexa grinned. She was the commanding officer, but he always liked to provoke. She didn't care much about that nowadays. Trustworthy friends were hard to find. Others may have left her to die, just to save their own skins.

"Did you ever see light so destructive?" Dimitar asked, "Just look at that... "

She suppressed a shiver as she recalled the two rays of light that barely missed her. Hunters were deadly accurate, she'd been far too lucky. She couldn't count to be that lucky again. Despite her heavily protesting muscles, she got up. A round path had been cut from the clearing behind her to at least ten steps in front of her. The dispatched hunter was one of the newest types, with an arsenal of weapons that seemed to rely on concentrated light, rather than the earlier projectile weapons.

_____________________

I tried to implement the feedback I've had from other posts.

Again. Any kind of feedback will be greatly appreciated!

Riptide
September 2nd, 2016, 08:50 AM
Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform -uniform as she hurried over the trail. - these two sentence match each other in format and in msg. You could delete one of them and still have the same desired effect The ground shook violently, leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her. Despite herself, she wanted to see how much space she had, - this did lose me for a while. It needs to be a period and I would add ehr action too. Did she looked over her shoulder? Stop and do a 180 turn to see? her pursuer was getting closer. She bounced forward on the patches of moss that covered the narrow path that led deeper into the rainforest. It felt as if her chest would burst, her lungs protested with every breath. She darted from side to side to prevent the hunter from blasting her to pieces. She threw herself forward, forcing her legs to keep up. After running at full power for what seemed like hours, she wanted to double up -over and close her eyes. No, not yet, she couldn't give up now! A huge oak flashed by, it indicated that the trap-zone was near and she slowed down a little when she saw the clearing ahead of her.

Trees snapped behind Alexa as dry tinder - I don't get this: as dry tinder., bushes protested loudly as they were flattened by her heavy pursuer. The ground shook more violent with every step, -no comma it closed in on her, she needed to find the dispell. And fast! She scanned the open space in the forest -delete in the forest, we understand that already as she ran along the side. Had she taken a wrong turn? Panicked, she slowed to walking speed - she slowed to a walk. If she was wrong, she had to cross the clearing fast. If she was right, stepping into the clearing would be fatal. Another heavy shock ran through the ground, her teeth chattered from the impact. It must be the wrong clearing, she must have made a mistake. She lifted here foot to step onto the clearing.

"There!" A faint call from the other side of the clearing.

Dimitars -Dimitar's head head floated above a thornbush on the other side. His hand shot up and he pointed at a small cluster of flowers, a lilac blossom standing out amongst the others. Despite her predicament, anger flared up, but Alexa dashed towards the flowers and tore the small flower from the ground.
The clearing turned into a gaping hole, the illusion gone. Ten paces across and at least twice as deep, she would have plummerted to her death. She shook off the anger for a moment. And - add the and to the last sentence ran over the plank in front of her, crossing the pit. It shook of the force of her pursuer and bend -bent down every step she took, but it held. The plank stopped shaking.

She flew over the plank, not caring how far it bend -bent down. An explosive burst of light passed her by hairs and fear gave her the strength to leap towards the edge of the gap. She barely made it and dove forward into the low bushes along the clearing. She hit the ground hard, but she started crawling forward as fast as she could. A torrents of sticks, smoldering leafs and dust blasted around her. She pressed herself against the ground and redoubled her efforts, scraping her knees and elbows.

A flash of light illuminated the clearing accompanied with a loud bang that rung in Alexa's ears. Had they managed to do it? Her heart pounded in her chest. Adrenaline gave her the strength to push herself to her knees, but it still took her effort to get up. She gasped for air, but managed to turn around slowly. Unbelievable! The hunter lay inside the smooth pit. One leg flailed in the air, the other dug itself deeper and deeper into the muddy ground on the bottom of the hole. Its metal arms groped around to catch a handheld to no avail. It worked! It had actually worked. Her knees buckled and she let herself fall to the ground. She felt as if her legs deflated like a balloon. She grasped for air, tried to inhale and exhale deeply to transfer as much oxygen to her muscles as possible. They couldn't stay for long, but she felt she would not be able to move for days.

In contrast to her body that refused to move, her heart pounded with exhaustion and excitement. They finally caught a metal bastard with a repeated strategy. Finally found a way to strike back at the machines, though small it may be!The rumors may be true, obscure the machines vision and it might not be able to find any counter-measure. It - delete it

As she laid down, her heard pounding in her chest and her lungs struggling for breath, she could hear her companions stepping out of the bushes surrounding the gap. Heard some of them climbing down the hole to dispatch of the collossus. Would this change the war for the better?
A small explosion followed by a big hollow boom indicated they detonated a small explosive to destroy the assumed power supply of the metal skeleton. After her crazy, desperate sprint, the ground felt soft as velvet. She turned around to look at the ceiling of leafs, stones and sticks pressed hard into her flesh.

A bald figure bend -bent down into her vision. A diving eagle was tattooed on the side of his head, claws stretched forward towards his eyes. A gecko curled around his ear and a delicate pattern spread down his neck. His deep brown eyes showed a hint of worry.

"We told you it would be on the left side. comma" he said. "I thought you were a goner."

He bend -bent down and offered her his hand. She pretended not to see his hand, did not look at him at all. She felt like doubling up, felt like crying untill -until she fell asleep.

She shrugged instead, period "Left, right.. it's all the same sometimes."

Ttheir -one t eyes met and she let out a heavy draw of breath.

"Thank you." s She said, " I decided I miscalculated. If you weren't there.."

There was no need to say more. The magical illusion was necessary to trick the machine into the clearing, into the carefully prepared hole. This was their first attempt to purposely bait one of the hunters that the main force of the machines consisted of. Heavy, towering machines packed with firepower that had harassed her race since the start of the Big War.

"But I was. And even if that hunter was right behind you, I would have done the same."

He pinched his eyes. "Did it hit you? Or do you think our mission is completed already?"

Alexa grinned. She was the commanding officer, but he always liked to provoke. She didn't care much about that nowadays. Trustworthy friends were hard to find. Others may have left her to die, just to save their own skins.

"Did you ever see light so destructive?" Dimitar asked, "Just look at that... "

She suppressed a shiver as she recalled the two rays of light that barely missed her. Hunters were deadly accurate, she'd been far too lucky. She couldn't count to be that lucky again. Despite her heavily protesting muscles, she got up. A round path had been cut from the clearing behind her to at least ten steps in front of her. The dispatched hunter was one of the newest types, with an arsenal of weapons that seemed to rely on concentrated light, rather than the earlier projectile weapons.

_____________________

I tried to implement the feedback I've had from other posts.

Again. Any kind of feedback will be greatly appreciated!

I did get a little lost when the hole is revealed. Where did she go? What did she do? And how exactly did he get stuck? Near the end though, I really liekd their conversation. She a cool character, and I think you showed her exhaustion well. Good work!

bdcharles
September 2nd, 2016, 10:02 AM
Hi,

Generally it's not bad, not bad at all. Let's take your first para as a sample to work on:

Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform as she hurried over the trail. The ground shook violent, leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her. Despite herself, she wanted to see how much space she had, her pursuer was getting closer. She bounced forward on the patches of moss that covered the narrow path that led deeper into the rainforest. It felt as if her chest would burst, her lungs protested with every breath. She darted from side to side to prevent the hunter from blasting her to pieces. She threw herself forward, forcing her legs to keep up. After running at full power for what seemed like hours, she wanted to double up and close her eyes. No, not yet, she couldn't give up now! A huge oak flashed by, it indicated that the trap-zone was near and slowed down a little when she saw the clearing ahead of her.

Things to consider:

Repetition:
Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform as she hurried over the trail. The ground shook violent, leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her.

Here there are a couple of instances where almost the same phrase is repeated (orange) and also the general image (purple). I understand you want to keep up that pace of speed, but use other things.

Run on sentences:
The ground shook violent[No comma! Use something else] leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her. Despite herself, she wanted to see how much space she had[No comma! Use something else] her pursuer was getting closer.

^ I know it's valid in Dutch and possibly Bulgarian but in English it isn't...

Typos:
Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform as she hurried over the trail. The ground shook violent, leafs, nuts and twigs rained down on her.

^ green is correct; red is incorrect

Structure of sentence:
Alexa ran. Her boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced through the forest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her unirform as she hurried over the trail.

^ these 2 consecutive sentences have the same shape: X happened to her as she did Y.



So to fix it, you might consider how you phrase some elements. Also don't forget you can always throw many things into a single sentence to avoid having too many repeat structures; eg:

Alexa's boots crushed leaves and twigs as she raced along the moss-patched trail that snaked through the rainforest. Branches swept into her face and clung to her uniform, and the ground shook violently, raining branches and debris down on her head and the surrounding spots of bare earth. Despite herself, she wanted to see how much space she had, whether her pursuer was getting closer and she braved a quick glance behind. It felt as if her protesting lungs would burst her chest. She darted from side to side to prevent the hunter from blasting her to pieces, even as she threw herself forward faster still, forcing her legs to keep up. As a low branch whistled over her head, skimming her hair, a little voice pipped that she would like to double up and close her eyes. No, not yet, some older part of her brain replied. She couldn't give up now. A huge oak flashed by, indicating that the trap-zone was near and she slowed down a little as she neared the clearing ahead.

There, I've tried to take the various disparate elements - the forest, her running, etc, and just deploy them singly in one spot to avoid repeating the same image. I also reworked some sentences to make them a. more correct gramatically and b. to keep them varied and flowing. I also tried to invoke other bits of scenery - the low branch, the spots of bare earth - just to keep us "in the place" using other things that might be there. Lastly I tried to keep a sense of threat by having those scenery elements be almost malign - almost knocking her block off, having bits of forest rain down onto them, swapping the rather pastoral "twigs and nuts" for a more violent "debris" - so while we get scenery, we get mood simultaneously and hopefully in a reasonably smooth sentence form.

Anyway hope this helps and that it makes some modicum of sense. Sorry for the rewrite. I'll let you do the rest :) Hope it's given you something to chew over.

Ultraroel
September 2nd, 2016, 11:32 AM
Thanks a lot guys.

@Riptide.. I think you might like what will happen to her in the future haha :D
@BDcharles, I like your writing a lot more.. i'll need more practice to come to such writing :)

Now, based on some your and other feedback I've rewritten a part and I just wanted to pitch how you liked this.
Can you please tell me whether this works better for you? <3

I got the feedback that the POV wasn't strong or maybe even non-existent, so I tried something else.
I know I could just work out the entire story before revision, but what I wrote first, took me more effort than to write what I did now.

Any kind of remarks would be greatly appreciated again.

Here we go:

______________________

Alexa raced through the forest, the leafs and twigs on the ground softened her footsteps. Too bad her pursuer didn't need to hear steps to track her. Trees snapped behind, her hunter followed her straight through the rainforest, carelessly crushing everything in its path. Her legs felt empty, her chest ready to burst. Dammit! It wasn't much further, no way she was giving up now. She threw her body forward to force her legs to move faster. Hopefully, darting from side to side would prevent the hunter from hitting her. Branches clung to her uniform, but she was too focused on the path that would lead her to the trap zone. She didn't need to run much further, the towering oak that indicated the zone was near flashed by her and she slowed down a little.


The ground shook more violent, every step brought the Hunter closer. She prayed that she was right, that the clearing ahead was the trap-zone that was carefully prepared. As she reached the open field, she searched the edges. She needed to find the dispell fast, before the Hunter would blast her to pieces. Her legs hurt even more now she slowed down to a jog, she had to keep moving. She scanned the edges again, where was that damned dispell? Where? They had said it would be easy to recognize, but she didn't see anything out of place. Had she made a mistake? Had she miscalculated where she was? If she had, she was wasting precious time and she wasn't sure whether she could run even if she wanted to. If she was at the trap zone, she would plummet into a deep hole, which would mean certain death.

bdcharles
September 2nd, 2016, 01:10 PM
Umm, I think it's not as clear as the first. And there are still style errors ... sorry ...

POV is fine though. I don't see that that needs any changing.

Ultraroel
September 2nd, 2016, 01:38 PM
You meant it was good the way it was? Or the way it was changed?
And yeah, I figured I just need to work on style and grammar in that sense.

I just wanted to make sure I focus on POV as well as I could before I push out the story in a boring, unengaging way.

Also, in the post before, what did you mean to say with Pink ? :)

bdcharles
September 2nd, 2016, 03:47 PM
the pink was a repeated action - she raced, she ran, she hurried - all state the same thing

thepancreas11
September 13th, 2016, 09:56 PM
Cool story. You like to get the heart pumping, don't you?

The thing, when you start to speculate on behalf of the reader, then you start to take away a bit of our emotional capacity to dig in and feel. You're dictating how the audience should react instead of letting your writing make them react on their own. This means cutting out the interjections with the exclamation points and making sure that you focus more on what can be seen/smelled/heard/felt/tasted. Imagine this: there is a scene in Lawrence of Arabia where they watch this guy riding in all black towards them across the wide expanse of desert. They have to watch him forever, like two minutes of watching this one guy ride at them. The longer it goes on, the more stressed you get. As a watcher, you think, "Who is this guy? What the hell is going on?" Half the fun is that you don't know whether he's a good guy or a bad guy. The director just lets you sit and wait and try to figure things out for yourself. Suddenly, you're so invested in this whole scene. The same goes for writing. Paint the picture and let the words create the emotions. What does the character see/taste/feel/hear/smell? What do we, the audience, notice about the scene that maybe the main character doesn't notice?

Consider this:

Your sentence: Too bad her pursuer didn't need to hear steps to track her.
A different take on the same thing: No matter where she went, the footsteps behind her were getting closer. Even standing still, they followed her, louder and louder.

It's a simple focus shift. One will certainly generate more emotion, and therefore, more of a hook to the reader. Sometimes, it's subtracting that creates a bigger feeling.

Infel
September 13th, 2016, 10:15 PM
What an intense piece! Right from the get-go, I definitely felt the tension. I could gather from the first few paragraphs that this was some girl running for her life. You did a great job expressing just how scared out of her mind she is. I like the dialogue at the end as well. The line about "Right, left, all the same sometimes." sheds a lot of light on her character, and I like that it was able to do so much with so little. It shows that she believes that sometimes you just have to work with what you've got, and I like that.

If I had to offer a critique, I'd say take out everything that doesn't have to do with her escape. We don't need to know what is chasing her or why, we don't need to know anything about the Big War. It's enough that we're reading about some girl getting chased. Then, at the very end, you can reveal that it's a robot, and maybe through dialogue reveal that they caught it for a war. Trying to put that stuff in the middle of the action sequence sort of distracts me from the important bit -- that this girl is being chased and if she stops running she dies.

Ultraroel
September 14th, 2016, 09:33 AM
Thank you for the feedback.
Will see how it works when I take the parts about the machine away and how it feels.
I've already changed a lot in the pov and hope that I've managed to make Jays advice my own.
Anyway.. Will post something soon again to see how people see it now :)

Thank you All