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MrTickle
August 30th, 2016, 08:45 PM
This is a piece of flash fiction that is open to interpretation.


Fleeting tides and folding skies, there’s a rough diamond in their eyes.

This darling world needs a twin sister.

They send an Inspector across their map, and he pushes his way out of an addicts scab.

He leaves the druggie dead in a cave, in the Mojave.

He wonders the desert road. Looking for brains to wring and mould.

He’s got all the parts back home, spread out like a puzzle in the fields, the jigsaw pattern remains unrevealed.

This darling world needs to be fixed.

In Sandy Station Motel there’s a room full of sin. The walls are sweating. Ruby’s bruised and her thighs chaffing. She’s the visitors painting.

But the Inspector is adding his own brushstrokes. He splits open her head on the bedside table and stews her brains for good chemical balance. He feeds it to the dog and it goes crazy and runs into the desert. The bowl of Ruby’s broken brain tissue spinning on the desert floor.

This darling world ain’t got what it takes.

The Inspector pulls in his metal rope, tired travellers hanging on for hope. He cracks another head and finds the secrets of the universe, but this brain also has a leaky pipe.

This darling world is full of black and white.

The Inspector crawls into the veins of a young alcoholic. And back to his planet of Plight.

TaniAliya
August 30th, 2016, 09:50 PM
Wow. What a poem. Very clever and it took me for a great ride. It blows the mind open which is just the thing for the topic. Well done if I may so patronisingly say. Could I suggest one thing, that you keep the lines shorter. There are many chances to do this and it would work precisely because you have punctuated. The punctuation by itself would create requisite pauses.

MrTickle
August 30th, 2016, 10:12 PM
Wow thanks TaniAliya! I'm really glad you liked it and appreciate the kind words. I will definitely make the lines shorter :-)

thanks again!

Agrippa91
August 30th, 2016, 11:17 PM
I like it! I was expecting something more "story-like," actually, but was pleasantly surprised that it reads like a poem.

I agree that the lines need to be a bit shorter at some points. But aside from that, I found myself wanting some type of refrain -- this kind of reminds me of a song, or at least a lyrical poem.

"This darling world is full of black and white" would serve as a good refrain that captures the tone and imagery of the poem. That said, I totally understand that it might be hard to change around the lines and edit the piece in order to insert that line ... at the same time, I don't know -- I can't put my finger on it -- but I think such a refrain would go well with the imagery of the piece.

A final word: I think the piece might be a bit too open to interpretation. It has a personal meaning to you, but to the reader, it is a bit hard to understand exactly what is being conveyed. At first I thought the Inspector was some type of detective, but then this line both confused and intrigued me: "But the Inspector is adding his own brushstrokes. He splits open her head on the bedside table and stews her brains for good chemical balance. He feeds it to the dog and it goes crazy and runs into the desert. The bowl of Ruby’s broken brain tissue spinning on the desert floor."

Awesome piece overall though with a ton of potential. Great job! :)

escorial
August 31st, 2016, 12:39 PM
a nice piece of proetry....look forward to reading similar stuff

MrTickle
August 31st, 2016, 06:16 PM
Thanks guys! I really appreciate that you liked the style. I've finally found a style that feels comfortable to me, in that I mix poetry and prose together. I know it may seem like I'm trying to be clever, but it's the way I find easiest to express the story in my head.

thanks again!

escorial
August 31st, 2016, 06:22 PM
proetry often brings the mind closest to writing without limits..cool you found your style....

MrTickle
August 31st, 2016, 06:46 PM
Thanks Escorial!

Agrippa91
August 31st, 2016, 06:55 PM
proetry often brings the mind closest to writing without limits..cool you found your style....

So true. Even outlining stories / essays in poetry can be really helpful in terms of altering your mindset and expanding ideas.

Great job again, OP!

MrTickle
August 31st, 2016, 07:32 PM
Thanks agrippa91. I like mysteries, I'm a very intuitive and perceptive person by nature and like stories or movies that make you feel them rather than point a finger at the story and go "yeah, that's what it is."

shivanib
September 1st, 2016, 09:37 PM
Wow! Nice piece. I feel like I need to take this one back to English class..

MrTickle
September 1st, 2016, 10:37 PM
Wow thanks shivanib! You can take it anywhere you want ;-)

Bard_Daniel
September 2nd, 2016, 03:08 AM
Hey Mr. Tickle. I liked this piece! It's a good form of what I think of as prose poetry-- like you've mentioned. It left me guessing in a good way and it had some great lines.

Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!

MrTickle
September 2nd, 2016, 10:00 AM
Thanks Danielstj! I appreciate the kind words :-)

hghwriting
September 27th, 2016, 08:12 PM
Man oh man was that good. Do you have any more writing in similar style? Pls post if you do!
Keep it up!

MrTickle
September 28th, 2016, 09:52 PM
Thanks hghwriting! I really appreciate the very kind words. I don't have many others in similar style, but there are plenty im working on that are the same so hopefully soon I will have something ��