CPMurphy
August 26th, 2016, 02:14 PM
I finally finished book one of my trilogy, so i decided to have it edited and proofread.
I send the first 3k works to someone on fiverr, This is the returned version,
I wasn't impressed
but would like some feedback on both the contents and editing/proofreading.
It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.
His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated slowly disappeared.
With each step he took, he could feel what little energy he had left in his body is being slowly drained away.
For the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses.
Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls, their metallic surface reflecting the bluish glow that the ship’s cargo was emitting.
He could no longer even glance at the ships’ freight as the magnitude of what was housed on board this giant craft sunk in.
Aaron knew this was just one of the hundreds if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago
As he looked ahead he could not see any discernible differences from what had lain behind, nothing but miles upon miles of a glowing walkway. There was no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse.
.
Gathering what little courage he processed, he had moved closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go? He had wondered.
He had abandoned his clothing not long after coming on board the alien ship, the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric was making his movement too strenuous.
Without the weighted burden of his clothes, Aaron had continued to try and find his sole reason for sneaking onto the ship in the first place.
It took less than ten minutes for him to realize his search was going to be futile, the millions of blue glowing capsules that were stacked as far as the eye could see were indistinguishable from each other, and even if he had by some miracle found what he sought he had no way of reaching it. The gap between the walkway and the capsules was well over one hundred feet with no discernible way to transgress it
Why he continued walking and instead just not sit down and die where he was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find anything different from what he had so far seen.
He was prepared to die and had known when he boarded the ship that this was going to be his final outcome, his sole hope was that he wouldn’t die alone. He now had also surrendered to that fate.
Aaron started to cry, his parched body unable to produce enough fluid for tears.
One step he told himself, just take that one step over the edge of the walkway and it will be all over.
He knew quite well he would never find the courage needed to take that final step so instead Aaron took one step after the other along the metallic floor that spanned in front of him.
In his confused mind, he remembered listening to the Prime Ministers speech.
“They are coming bringing peace”,
“Their ships will bring scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better place”.
Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,
The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost impossible, the symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to slump down into a sitting position.
He had had a headache for some time now that was only getting more intense. Well, I guess this is my final resting place he told himself, I wonder if my body will ever be discovered, maybe the ship has some cleaners, one of whom will find a pile of bones and wonder how they got here and where they came from.
Aaron could imagine an ET looking creature pushing a sweeping brush coming across his remains, a smile crossed his parched lips as he envisioned the little alien scratching it’s hairless head before brushing his bones over the side of the walkway, “You would get a job as a street cleaner in Melbourne mate.” he said out loud, although it barely registered louder than a whisper.
He closed his eyes and listened to the strangely peaceful hum of the ship’s engines, a sense of peace engulfed him as he started to think of happier times, a vision of his friends and family appeared in his mind.
They were sitting at his parents dinner table, joking with each other, his father in his usual place at the head of the table, “You have got yourself in a right mess this time.” he was telling his son, the others in the room started to laugh, “Yep that’s our boy!” his mother added, “Always jumping in feet first without thinking things through.”
He tried to reply but no sound came forth from his lips, he could hear his lifelong friend’s infectious laughter the loudest.
“Sorry mate I can’t get you out of this one”, his friend was saying through his merriment, even though they were laughing at him he was happy with his vision, his home had always been filled with these happy sounds,
As he looked around he noticed his girlfriend was the only one in the room who wasn’t laughing, she was sitting staring at him with a solemn look on her face. Then she slowly started to tap on the table with a spoon,
The others in the room each picked up a utensil and joined with the rhythmic beat, one by one they all began to tap in unison,
“What are you doing” he tried to ask but again his voice was silent, slowly some of his senses started to return, not fully but just enough to notice that the hum of the ship's engines was no longer the only sound he could hear.
A loud tapping was coming from further ahead of him somewhere along the walkway. At least that’s where he guessed it was coming from, he could see nothing different. There was no indication of where this tapping could be originating from,
“Hello” he tried to call out, is there someone there? The effort making him cough.
Was there someone else on board he wondered, could someone else be alive and have been as stupid as I was to have come aboard the alien ship, or maybe its one of the aliens making the noise. The sound continued, tap, tap, tap,
Using almost all the strength he had left he managed to struggle to his feet, his legs unsteady beneath him he started to slowly trudge in the direction that the sound was coming from, his mouth as too dry and parched to attempt to try to call out again,
One step after another he started to repeat in his mind, just one more step, just one more step,
He managed to keep taking one more step for what seemed like hours but in reality, it was less than five minutes, he had covered less than forty feet before his legs gave from under him, crashing against the ship's wall he knew his legs could no longer support him,
There is no one tapping he told himself, its just your mind playing tricks, its properly the sound of your heart beating it’s final beats, just close your eyes its time to sleep,
His eyes had already shut before he had hit the floor, he could no longer hear the tapping sound.
This time, it wasn’t visions that started to fill his mind, this time, it was memories.
A multitude of images flooded his mind each one fighting to ensnare him in the warmth of the emotions that they invoked. Then they settled on one single time, a time when his only concern was his family, and his friends
His mind went back to a time not too long before this desolation had started.
To a time before the world became a place where in the darkness of shadows new friendships would be formed, bonds of loyalty forged, and self-survival becomes the only option.
I guess this is where my life changed when I was happiest, where the events that followed would lead me to sneak onto this ship knowing I would die on it,
.
CHAPTER 1
Occasionally a slight refreshing breeze would blow down the side street of the quite sleepy Melbourne suburb, every now and then catching a gum wrapper someone had carelessly discarded, making it flutter a few inches into the air as if being controlled by invisible strings.
At first glance the street looked deserted, most people were staying indoors avoiding the heat of the sun, with good reason.
This past week had seen a record of heat waves which hit the country.
An old battered car was parked a few doors down from a bottle shop, the only store along either side of the road that still remained open for business.
The other stores on the street had either closed earlier in the day or like most of the business in the area shut for good and now stood vacant.
If you happened to take a second glance you might have spotted a figure standing in the shadow of a doorway that belonged to one of the vacant stores. Just someone taking shelter from the glaring heat of the afternoon sun. You might think and you would be right.
The shadowed figure belonged to that of a young man.
The young man’s name was Aaron King.
Aaron was employed by the local city council where he worked as a traffic warden, a job he had quickly grown to hate.
The first time he comes to this quite Side Street was when he was patrolling close by when suddenly the clouds opened, as his shift had only started he didn’t want to spend the rest of the day in wet clothing.
Darting down an alley he sought shelter but found none till he exited the alley onto this little street, vacant premises with it’s large covered entrance offered the ideal protection from the rain, an old bench running along the wall even allowed him the comfort of sitting down while he waited for the rains to cease
Then one day he just came here to get away from the pressure of his job after suffering some foul mouthed abuse from the driver of a car he had just placed a parking ticket on.
As his first few weeks of working as a traffic warden started to turn into months, this little-sheltered doorway started to become frequented more and more often,
He now knew this little side street now like he knew the back of his hands,
The premises whose doorway he was standing in was once the doorway into Chez Monique, a restaurant whose former owners were newlyweds, Lynn and Richard Walton
Richard had great belief in his new business venture and also in his skills as a chef, his mind was filled with ideas and visions of grandeur, he had no doubts he could turn a greasy fast food joint into the fashionable place to eat when you came to this side of town.
“All best intentions can’t turn a pig’s ear into a silk purse”, Lynn’s father would constantly whisper into Richards’s ear.
It quickly became apparent his dreams were not going to be fulfilled, even though they were just about keeping their heads above water with diners in the evening it wasn’t enough, maybe Richard wasn’t as good a chef as he believed he was, or maybe it simply wasn’t the right location for a fancy restaurant. Whatever the reason the people weren’t flocking to eat here as he had hoped they would.
“We could make as much if not more if we just catered for the people who worked in the factory across the road”,
“And we would only have to open from eight till six”. Lynn would constantly plead to her husband.
“I have turned down great job offers from some of this city’s best hotels and restaurants just so we could have our own place”, Richard would scream back to almost every suggestion to a change of his expectations that Lynn came up with
The couple kept the restaurant going for a few years. A lot longer than many of their family and friends had believed them capable of doing.
But eventually the pressure of struggling constantly became too much, the once happy young couple fell out of love with each other and the running of the restaurant.
Richard walked out of the front door one day shouting he had enough of Lynn and her father, he blamed them for his dreams not materializing, he never returned to either the restaurant or his wife,
Lynn with some help from her father quickly started to change the restaurant into a friendly local café. Pinning their hopes on capturing the local trade.
“You always knew that a fancy restaurant wouldn’t work in this part of the city,” Lynn said to her father,
It was just a few days before the reopening of the restaurant but now as a café,
Lynn and her father were still trying to come up with a name for the place when Lynn turned to her father and said, “you kept telling Richard that old saying”, “I heard you tell him more than once that you can’t turn a pigs ear into a silk purse”, “but he just wouldn’t listen he always wanted to have the best and be the best”.
Lynn’s fathers looked at his daughter with a slightly confused look on his face.
“OH, I wasn’t talking about the restaurant he replied”. “It was him”. “I was constantly telling Richard what I thought of him”, “little stuck up fool thought he was something special because he could cook an egg and give it some fancy name then try to charge a fortune for it”.
“As my mother used to say all fur coat and no knickers”.
“I knew where his family came from”, “tramps and thieves the whole lot of them”, “I knew his mother from way back”, “that woman spent more time on her knees than a nun in a convent”, “and believe me she wasn’t saying her prayers”.
For the first time since Richard and Lynn Walton opened the Chez Monique Lynn laughed, she could feel the weight of the pressure of the past few years fall from her shoulders.
The Pigs Silk Purse opened it’s doors a few days later and continued with many years of successful trading, till the last recessions hit,
Like many small businesses that had suffered the same fate it closed it’s doors forever,
Aaron glanced across the road to the also now vacant factory.
“Your closing didn’t help Lynn either,” he said out loud before quickly looking around to make sure no one had heard him talk to himself,
He was relieved that the road was still deserted and nobody had ventured into his secluded sanctuary,
In reality, Aaron had no idea what kind of business used to be behind the boarded up door he was standing in front of.
With its doors and windows boarded up he could never manage to peer inside for some hint to its secrets, the signage that used to hang above the door has long since been removed leaving no clues behind,
Aaron would pass the time and boredom by making up stories about what happened to all the people who spent part of their lives working on the boarded up buildings, imagining what kinds of goods the factories and stores produced and sold
The story that he had conjured up of Lynn and Richard Walton’s was the one he was most happy with.
Muller’s factory across the road had been a big employer for the area, making printers and scanners and before the typewriters,
They had been supplying markets all over the world,
Then old Mr. Muller passed away and his eldest son took the reins of the company. Within six months the business was bust as the son gambled away everything, this was Aaron’s latest version of what had happened to the factory,
He had hoped to build a story and history for every building, but today was going to be his last visit to his little sanctuary, and many of his stories would never get resolved.
Although he had a slight feeling he was going to miss hiding out around here he was still happy with himself,
Today was the last day Aaron was going to need to come here, as today his six month probation period as a traffic warden ended.
He would have quit long ago but for the fact he had promised his father he would give it the full six months.
Aaron had gone the full week without issuing a single ticket, he had already been told by his supervisor that he held the record for the lowest amount of tickets issued in the history of the traffic division and once his probation was up there wasn’t a hope in hell that he would be getting offered a full-time employment contract. So Aaron decided to enhance the record and give the next failed traffic warden a target to beat.
Add today's total to my record you fat mongrel Aaron imagined himself saying to his supervisor when he handed in his meter at the end of his shift and clocked out for the last time
I send the first 3k works to someone on fiverr, This is the returned version,
I wasn't impressed
but would like some feedback on both the contents and editing/proofreading.
It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.
His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated slowly disappeared.
With each step he took, he could feel what little energy he had left in his body is being slowly drained away.
For the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses.
Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls, their metallic surface reflecting the bluish glow that the ship’s cargo was emitting.
He could no longer even glance at the ships’ freight as the magnitude of what was housed on board this giant craft sunk in.
Aaron knew this was just one of the hundreds if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago
As he looked ahead he could not see any discernible differences from what had lain behind, nothing but miles upon miles of a glowing walkway. There was no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse.
.
Gathering what little courage he processed, he had moved closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go? He had wondered.
He had abandoned his clothing not long after coming on board the alien ship, the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric was making his movement too strenuous.
Without the weighted burden of his clothes, Aaron had continued to try and find his sole reason for sneaking onto the ship in the first place.
It took less than ten minutes for him to realize his search was going to be futile, the millions of blue glowing capsules that were stacked as far as the eye could see were indistinguishable from each other, and even if he had by some miracle found what he sought he had no way of reaching it. The gap between the walkway and the capsules was well over one hundred feet with no discernible way to transgress it
Why he continued walking and instead just not sit down and die where he was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find anything different from what he had so far seen.
He was prepared to die and had known when he boarded the ship that this was going to be his final outcome, his sole hope was that he wouldn’t die alone. He now had also surrendered to that fate.
Aaron started to cry, his parched body unable to produce enough fluid for tears.
One step he told himself, just take that one step over the edge of the walkway and it will be all over.
He knew quite well he would never find the courage needed to take that final step so instead Aaron took one step after the other along the metallic floor that spanned in front of him.
In his confused mind, he remembered listening to the Prime Ministers speech.
“They are coming bringing peace”,
“Their ships will bring scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better place”.
Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,
The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost impossible, the symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to slump down into a sitting position.
He had had a headache for some time now that was only getting more intense. Well, I guess this is my final resting place he told himself, I wonder if my body will ever be discovered, maybe the ship has some cleaners, one of whom will find a pile of bones and wonder how they got here and where they came from.
Aaron could imagine an ET looking creature pushing a sweeping brush coming across his remains, a smile crossed his parched lips as he envisioned the little alien scratching it’s hairless head before brushing his bones over the side of the walkway, “You would get a job as a street cleaner in Melbourne mate.” he said out loud, although it barely registered louder than a whisper.
He closed his eyes and listened to the strangely peaceful hum of the ship’s engines, a sense of peace engulfed him as he started to think of happier times, a vision of his friends and family appeared in his mind.
They were sitting at his parents dinner table, joking with each other, his father in his usual place at the head of the table, “You have got yourself in a right mess this time.” he was telling his son, the others in the room started to laugh, “Yep that’s our boy!” his mother added, “Always jumping in feet first without thinking things through.”
He tried to reply but no sound came forth from his lips, he could hear his lifelong friend’s infectious laughter the loudest.
“Sorry mate I can’t get you out of this one”, his friend was saying through his merriment, even though they were laughing at him he was happy with his vision, his home had always been filled with these happy sounds,
As he looked around he noticed his girlfriend was the only one in the room who wasn’t laughing, she was sitting staring at him with a solemn look on her face. Then she slowly started to tap on the table with a spoon,
The others in the room each picked up a utensil and joined with the rhythmic beat, one by one they all began to tap in unison,
“What are you doing” he tried to ask but again his voice was silent, slowly some of his senses started to return, not fully but just enough to notice that the hum of the ship's engines was no longer the only sound he could hear.
A loud tapping was coming from further ahead of him somewhere along the walkway. At least that’s where he guessed it was coming from, he could see nothing different. There was no indication of where this tapping could be originating from,
“Hello” he tried to call out, is there someone there? The effort making him cough.
Was there someone else on board he wondered, could someone else be alive and have been as stupid as I was to have come aboard the alien ship, or maybe its one of the aliens making the noise. The sound continued, tap, tap, tap,
Using almost all the strength he had left he managed to struggle to his feet, his legs unsteady beneath him he started to slowly trudge in the direction that the sound was coming from, his mouth as too dry and parched to attempt to try to call out again,
One step after another he started to repeat in his mind, just one more step, just one more step,
He managed to keep taking one more step for what seemed like hours but in reality, it was less than five minutes, he had covered less than forty feet before his legs gave from under him, crashing against the ship's wall he knew his legs could no longer support him,
There is no one tapping he told himself, its just your mind playing tricks, its properly the sound of your heart beating it’s final beats, just close your eyes its time to sleep,
His eyes had already shut before he had hit the floor, he could no longer hear the tapping sound.
This time, it wasn’t visions that started to fill his mind, this time, it was memories.
A multitude of images flooded his mind each one fighting to ensnare him in the warmth of the emotions that they invoked. Then they settled on one single time, a time when his only concern was his family, and his friends
His mind went back to a time not too long before this desolation had started.
To a time before the world became a place where in the darkness of shadows new friendships would be formed, bonds of loyalty forged, and self-survival becomes the only option.
I guess this is where my life changed when I was happiest, where the events that followed would lead me to sneak onto this ship knowing I would die on it,
.
CHAPTER 1
Occasionally a slight refreshing breeze would blow down the side street of the quite sleepy Melbourne suburb, every now and then catching a gum wrapper someone had carelessly discarded, making it flutter a few inches into the air as if being controlled by invisible strings.
At first glance the street looked deserted, most people were staying indoors avoiding the heat of the sun, with good reason.
This past week had seen a record of heat waves which hit the country.
An old battered car was parked a few doors down from a bottle shop, the only store along either side of the road that still remained open for business.
The other stores on the street had either closed earlier in the day or like most of the business in the area shut for good and now stood vacant.
If you happened to take a second glance you might have spotted a figure standing in the shadow of a doorway that belonged to one of the vacant stores. Just someone taking shelter from the glaring heat of the afternoon sun. You might think and you would be right.
The shadowed figure belonged to that of a young man.
The young man’s name was Aaron King.
Aaron was employed by the local city council where he worked as a traffic warden, a job he had quickly grown to hate.
The first time he comes to this quite Side Street was when he was patrolling close by when suddenly the clouds opened, as his shift had only started he didn’t want to spend the rest of the day in wet clothing.
Darting down an alley he sought shelter but found none till he exited the alley onto this little street, vacant premises with it’s large covered entrance offered the ideal protection from the rain, an old bench running along the wall even allowed him the comfort of sitting down while he waited for the rains to cease
Then one day he just came here to get away from the pressure of his job after suffering some foul mouthed abuse from the driver of a car he had just placed a parking ticket on.
As his first few weeks of working as a traffic warden started to turn into months, this little-sheltered doorway started to become frequented more and more often,
He now knew this little side street now like he knew the back of his hands,
The premises whose doorway he was standing in was once the doorway into Chez Monique, a restaurant whose former owners were newlyweds, Lynn and Richard Walton
Richard had great belief in his new business venture and also in his skills as a chef, his mind was filled with ideas and visions of grandeur, he had no doubts he could turn a greasy fast food joint into the fashionable place to eat when you came to this side of town.
“All best intentions can’t turn a pig’s ear into a silk purse”, Lynn’s father would constantly whisper into Richards’s ear.
It quickly became apparent his dreams were not going to be fulfilled, even though they were just about keeping their heads above water with diners in the evening it wasn’t enough, maybe Richard wasn’t as good a chef as he believed he was, or maybe it simply wasn’t the right location for a fancy restaurant. Whatever the reason the people weren’t flocking to eat here as he had hoped they would.
“We could make as much if not more if we just catered for the people who worked in the factory across the road”,
“And we would only have to open from eight till six”. Lynn would constantly plead to her husband.
“I have turned down great job offers from some of this city’s best hotels and restaurants just so we could have our own place”, Richard would scream back to almost every suggestion to a change of his expectations that Lynn came up with
The couple kept the restaurant going for a few years. A lot longer than many of their family and friends had believed them capable of doing.
But eventually the pressure of struggling constantly became too much, the once happy young couple fell out of love with each other and the running of the restaurant.
Richard walked out of the front door one day shouting he had enough of Lynn and her father, he blamed them for his dreams not materializing, he never returned to either the restaurant or his wife,
Lynn with some help from her father quickly started to change the restaurant into a friendly local café. Pinning their hopes on capturing the local trade.
“You always knew that a fancy restaurant wouldn’t work in this part of the city,” Lynn said to her father,
It was just a few days before the reopening of the restaurant but now as a café,
Lynn and her father were still trying to come up with a name for the place when Lynn turned to her father and said, “you kept telling Richard that old saying”, “I heard you tell him more than once that you can’t turn a pigs ear into a silk purse”, “but he just wouldn’t listen he always wanted to have the best and be the best”.
Lynn’s fathers looked at his daughter with a slightly confused look on his face.
“OH, I wasn’t talking about the restaurant he replied”. “It was him”. “I was constantly telling Richard what I thought of him”, “little stuck up fool thought he was something special because he could cook an egg and give it some fancy name then try to charge a fortune for it”.
“As my mother used to say all fur coat and no knickers”.
“I knew where his family came from”, “tramps and thieves the whole lot of them”, “I knew his mother from way back”, “that woman spent more time on her knees than a nun in a convent”, “and believe me she wasn’t saying her prayers”.
For the first time since Richard and Lynn Walton opened the Chez Monique Lynn laughed, she could feel the weight of the pressure of the past few years fall from her shoulders.
The Pigs Silk Purse opened it’s doors a few days later and continued with many years of successful trading, till the last recessions hit,
Like many small businesses that had suffered the same fate it closed it’s doors forever,
Aaron glanced across the road to the also now vacant factory.
“Your closing didn’t help Lynn either,” he said out loud before quickly looking around to make sure no one had heard him talk to himself,
He was relieved that the road was still deserted and nobody had ventured into his secluded sanctuary,
In reality, Aaron had no idea what kind of business used to be behind the boarded up door he was standing in front of.
With its doors and windows boarded up he could never manage to peer inside for some hint to its secrets, the signage that used to hang above the door has long since been removed leaving no clues behind,
Aaron would pass the time and boredom by making up stories about what happened to all the people who spent part of their lives working on the boarded up buildings, imagining what kinds of goods the factories and stores produced and sold
The story that he had conjured up of Lynn and Richard Walton’s was the one he was most happy with.
Muller’s factory across the road had been a big employer for the area, making printers and scanners and before the typewriters,
They had been supplying markets all over the world,
Then old Mr. Muller passed away and his eldest son took the reins of the company. Within six months the business was bust as the son gambled away everything, this was Aaron’s latest version of what had happened to the factory,
He had hoped to build a story and history for every building, but today was going to be his last visit to his little sanctuary, and many of his stories would never get resolved.
Although he had a slight feeling he was going to miss hiding out around here he was still happy with himself,
Today was the last day Aaron was going to need to come here, as today his six month probation period as a traffic warden ended.
He would have quit long ago but for the fact he had promised his father he would give it the full six months.
Aaron had gone the full week without issuing a single ticket, he had already been told by his supervisor that he held the record for the lowest amount of tickets issued in the history of the traffic division and once his probation was up there wasn’t a hope in hell that he would be getting offered a full-time employment contract. So Aaron decided to enhance the record and give the next failed traffic warden a target to beat.
Add today's total to my record you fat mongrel Aaron imagined himself saying to his supervisor when he handed in his meter at the end of his shift and clocked out for the last time