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CPMurphy
August 26th, 2016, 02:14 PM
I finally finished book one of my trilogy, so i decided to have it edited and proofread.

I send the first 3k works to someone on fiverr, This is the returned version,
I wasn't impressed
but would like some feedback on both the contents and editing/proofreading.

It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.

His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated slowly disappeared.
With each step he took, he could feel what little energy he had left in his body is being slowly drained away.

For the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses.

Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls, their metallic surface reflecting the bluish glow that the ship’s cargo was emitting.
He could no longer even glance at the ships’ freight as the magnitude of what was housed on board this giant craft sunk in.
Aaron knew this was just one of the hundreds if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago

As he looked ahead he could not see any discernible differences from what had lain behind, nothing but miles upon miles of a glowing walkway. There was no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse.
.

Gathering what little courage he processed, he had moved closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go? He had wondered.




He had abandoned his clothing not long after coming on board the alien ship, the weight of the mud that had soaked and dried into the fabric was making his movement too strenuous.
Without the weighted burden of his clothes, Aaron had continued to try and find his sole reason for sneaking onto the ship in the first place.

It took less than ten minutes for him to realize his search was going to be futile, the millions of blue glowing capsules that were stacked as far as the eye could see were indistinguishable from each other, and even if he had by some miracle found what he sought he had no way of reaching it. The gap between the walkway and the capsules was well over one hundred feet with no discernible way to transgress it



Why he continued walking and instead just not sit down and die where he was, he couldn’t answer, it wasn’t as if he was expecting to find anything different from what he had so far seen.



He was prepared to die and had known when he boarded the ship that this was going to be his final outcome, his sole hope was that he wouldn’t die alone. He now had also surrendered to that fate.
Aaron started to cry, his parched body unable to produce enough fluid for tears.

One step he told himself, just take that one step over the edge of the walkway and it will be all over.
He knew quite well he would never find the courage needed to take that final step so instead Aaron took one step after the other along the metallic floor that spanned in front of him.


In his confused mind, he remembered listening to the Prime Ministers speech.

“They are coming bringing peace”,
“Their ships will bring scientific advancements and the world will forever more be a better place”.
Those words had given such hope of a brighter future to so many people. How gullible we all were to believe what a politician tells us,

The pain in his joints was starting to make walking any further almost impossible, the symptoms of dehydration were in full assault on his mind and body; leaning against a wall he couldn’t help but allow his body to slump down into a sitting position.

He had had a headache for some time now that was only getting more intense. Well, I guess this is my final resting place he told himself, I wonder if my body will ever be discovered, maybe the ship has some cleaners, one of whom will find a pile of bones and wonder how they got here and where they came from.

Aaron could imagine an ET looking creature pushing a sweeping brush coming across his remains, a smile crossed his parched lips as he envisioned the little alien scratching it’s hairless head before brushing his bones over the side of the walkway, “You would get a job as a street cleaner in Melbourne mate.” he said out loud, although it barely registered louder than a whisper.

He closed his eyes and listened to the strangely peaceful hum of the ship’s engines, a sense of peace engulfed him as he started to think of happier times, a vision of his friends and family appeared in his mind.

They were sitting at his parents dinner table, joking with each other, his father in his usual place at the head of the table, “You have got yourself in a right mess this time.” he was telling his son, the others in the room started to laugh, “Yep that’s our boy!” his mother added, “Always jumping in feet first without thinking things through.”


He tried to reply but no sound came forth from his lips, he could hear his lifelong friend’s infectious laughter the loudest.

“Sorry mate I can’t get you out of this one”, his friend was saying through his merriment, even though they were laughing at him he was happy with his vision, his home had always been filled with these happy sounds,

As he looked around he noticed his girlfriend was the only one in the room who wasn’t laughing, she was sitting staring at him with a solemn look on her face. Then she slowly started to tap on the table with a spoon,
The others in the room each picked up a utensil and joined with the rhythmic beat, one by one they all began to tap in unison,

“What are you doing” he tried to ask but again his voice was silent, slowly some of his senses started to return, not fully but just enough to notice that the hum of the ship's engines was no longer the only sound he could hear.

A loud tapping was coming from further ahead of him somewhere along the walkway. At least that’s where he guessed it was coming from, he could see nothing different. There was no indication of where this tapping could be originating from,

“Hello” he tried to call out, is there someone there? The effort making him cough.

Was there someone else on board he wondered, could someone else be alive and have been as stupid as I was to have come aboard the alien ship, or maybe its one of the aliens making the noise. The sound continued, tap, tap, tap,

Using almost all the strength he had left he managed to struggle to his feet, his legs unsteady beneath him he started to slowly trudge in the direction that the sound was coming from, his mouth as too dry and parched to attempt to try to call out again,

One step after another he started to repeat in his mind, just one more step, just one more step,
He managed to keep taking one more step for what seemed like hours but in reality, it was less than five minutes, he had covered less than forty feet before his legs gave from under him, crashing against the ship's wall he knew his legs could no longer support him,

There is no one tapping he told himself, its just your mind playing tricks, its properly the sound of your heart beating it’s final beats, just close your eyes its time to sleep,

His eyes had already shut before he had hit the floor, he could no longer hear the tapping sound.

This time, it wasn’t visions that started to fill his mind, this time, it was memories.

A multitude of images flooded his mind each one fighting to ensnare him in the warmth of the emotions that they invoked. Then they settled on one single time, a time when his only concern was his family, and his friends

His mind went back to a time not too long before this desolation had started.
To a time before the world became a place where in the darkness of shadows new friendships would be formed, bonds of loyalty forged, and self-survival becomes the only option.

I guess this is where my life changed when I was happiest, where the events that followed would lead me to sneak onto this ship knowing I would die on it,



.

CHAPTER 1




Occasionally a slight refreshing breeze would blow down the side street of the quite sleepy Melbourne suburb, every now and then catching a gum wrapper someone had carelessly discarded, making it flutter a few inches into the air as if being controlled by invisible strings.

At first glance the street looked deserted, most people were staying indoors avoiding the heat of the sun, with good reason.
This past week had seen a record of heat waves which hit the country.

An old battered car was parked a few doors down from a bottle shop, the only store along either side of the road that still remained open for business.

The other stores on the street had either closed earlier in the day or like most of the business in the area shut for good and now stood vacant.

If you happened to take a second glance you might have spotted a figure standing in the shadow of a doorway that belonged to one of the vacant stores. Just someone taking shelter from the glaring heat of the afternoon sun. You might think and you would be right.


The shadowed figure belonged to that of a young man.
The young man’s name was Aaron King.


Aaron was employed by the local city council where he worked as a traffic warden, a job he had quickly grown to hate.

The first time he comes to this quite Side Street was when he was patrolling close by when suddenly the clouds opened, as his shift had only started he didn’t want to spend the rest of the day in wet clothing.

Darting down an alley he sought shelter but found none till he exited the alley onto this little street, vacant premises with it’s large covered entrance offered the ideal protection from the rain, an old bench running along the wall even allowed him the comfort of sitting down while he waited for the rains to cease

Then one day he just came here to get away from the pressure of his job after suffering some foul mouthed abuse from the driver of a car he had just placed a parking ticket on.

As his first few weeks of working as a traffic warden started to turn into months, this little-sheltered doorway started to become frequented more and more often,
He now knew this little side street now like he knew the back of his hands,

The premises whose doorway he was standing in was once the doorway into Chez Monique, a restaurant whose former owners were newlyweds, Lynn and Richard Walton
Richard had great belief in his new business venture and also in his skills as a chef, his mind was filled with ideas and visions of grandeur, he had no doubts he could turn a greasy fast food joint into the fashionable place to eat when you came to this side of town.

“All best intentions can’t turn a pig’s ear into a silk purse”, Lynn’s father would constantly whisper into Richards’s ear.

It quickly became apparent his dreams were not going to be fulfilled, even though they were just about keeping their heads above water with diners in the evening it wasn’t enough, maybe Richard wasn’t as good a chef as he believed he was, or maybe it simply wasn’t the right location for a fancy restaurant. Whatever the reason the people weren’t flocking to eat here as he had hoped they would.

“We could make as much if not more if we just catered for the people who worked in the factory across the road”,
“And we would only have to open from eight till six”. Lynn would constantly plead to her husband.
“I have turned down great job offers from some of this city’s best hotels and restaurants just so we could have our own place”, Richard would scream back to almost every suggestion to a change of his expectations that Lynn came up with

The couple kept the restaurant going for a few years. A lot longer than many of their family and friends had believed them capable of doing.
But eventually the pressure of struggling constantly became too much, the once happy young couple fell out of love with each other and the running of the restaurant.
Richard walked out of the front door one day shouting he had enough of Lynn and her father, he blamed them for his dreams not materializing, he never returned to either the restaurant or his wife,

Lynn with some help from her father quickly started to change the restaurant into a friendly local café. Pinning their hopes on capturing the local trade.

“You always knew that a fancy restaurant wouldn’t work in this part of the city,” Lynn said to her father,
It was just a few days before the reopening of the restaurant but now as a café,

Lynn and her father were still trying to come up with a name for the place when Lynn turned to her father and said, “you kept telling Richard that old saying”, “I heard you tell him more than once that you can’t turn a pigs ear into a silk purse”, “but he just wouldn’t listen he always wanted to have the best and be the best”.

Lynn’s fathers looked at his daughter with a slightly confused look on his face.

“OH, I wasn’t talking about the restaurant he replied”. “It was him”. “I was constantly telling Richard what I thought of him”, “little stuck up fool thought he was something special because he could cook an egg and give it some fancy name then try to charge a fortune for it”.
“As my mother used to say all fur coat and no knickers”.

“I knew where his family came from”, “tramps and thieves the whole lot of them”, “I knew his mother from way back”, “that woman spent more time on her knees than a nun in a convent”, “and believe me she wasn’t saying her prayers”.

For the first time since Richard and Lynn Walton opened the Chez Monique Lynn laughed, she could feel the weight of the pressure of the past few years fall from her shoulders.

The Pigs Silk Purse opened it’s doors a few days later and continued with many years of successful trading, till the last recessions hit,
Like many small businesses that had suffered the same fate it closed it’s doors forever,

Aaron glanced across the road to the also now vacant factory.
“Your closing didn’t help Lynn either,” he said out loud before quickly looking around to make sure no one had heard him talk to himself,

He was relieved that the road was still deserted and nobody had ventured into his secluded sanctuary,

In reality, Aaron had no idea what kind of business used to be behind the boarded up door he was standing in front of.

With its doors and windows boarded up he could never manage to peer inside for some hint to its secrets, the signage that used to hang above the door has long since been removed leaving no clues behind,

Aaron would pass the time and boredom by making up stories about what happened to all the people who spent part of their lives working on the boarded up buildings, imagining what kinds of goods the factories and stores produced and sold

The story that he had conjured up of Lynn and Richard Walton’s was the one he was most happy with.

Muller’s factory across the road had been a big employer for the area, making printers and scanners and before the typewriters,
They had been supplying markets all over the world,

Then old Mr. Muller passed away and his eldest son took the reins of the company. Within six months the business was bust as the son gambled away everything, this was Aaron’s latest version of what had happened to the factory,

He had hoped to build a story and history for every building, but today was going to be his last visit to his little sanctuary, and many of his stories would never get resolved.

Although he had a slight feeling he was going to miss hiding out around here he was still happy with himself,

Today was the last day Aaron was going to need to come here, as today his six month probation period as a traffic warden ended.

He would have quit long ago but for the fact he had promised his father he would give it the full six months.

Aaron had gone the full week without issuing a single ticket, he had already been told by his supervisor that he held the record for the lowest amount of tickets issued in the history of the traffic division and once his probation was up there wasn’t a hope in hell that he would be getting offered a full-time employment contract. So Aaron decided to enhance the record and give the next failed traffic warden a target to beat.

Add today's total to my record you fat mongrel Aaron imagined himself saying to his supervisor when he handed in his meter at the end of his shift and clocked out for the last time

Ultraroel
August 26th, 2016, 03:55 PM
I gave it a go. I put the remarks in the text in color




I finally finished book one of my trilogy, so i decided to have it edited and proofread.

I send the first 3k works to someone on fiverr, This is the returned version,
I wasn't impressed
but would like some feedback on both the contents and editing/proofreading.

It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not[/STRIKE] eaten or drank any liquids, What else was can he drink? the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.

His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every [STRIKE]one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated slowly disappeared. I'd go for dissolved or dissipated.
With each step he took, he could feel what little energy he had left in his body is being slowly drained seeping/trickling away.

For Since the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses.

Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls, their metallic surface reflectinged the bluish glow that the ship’s cargo was emitted.
He could no longer even glance at the ships’ freight as the magnitude of what was housed on board this giant craft sunk in.
Aaron knew this was just one of the hundreds, if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago

As he looked ahead he could not see any discernible differences from what had lain behind, nothing but miles upon miles of a glowing walkway. There was no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse. I'd go more for Show then tell her: Nothing but miles and miles of glowing walkway stretched ahead of him, nothing indicated that they had covered any space.
.

Gathering what little courage he processed, he had moved closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down he was greeted by the sight of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go? He had wondered.Here aswell: He squared his shoulders and stretched himself to full height and shuffled closer to the edge of the walkway. Hundreds of similar walkways greeted him from all sides. Where would these all go?



Unfortunately I'm at work now and I cannot continue further.
Try to show more, try to show his emotions instead of telling us. Try to make us see what he sees instead of telling us what he sees.

There is a fair lot of passive voice in there. A lot of words can be culled to make it a smooth read.

I'm not an expert :D just my 2 cents

bdcharles
August 26th, 2016, 06:00 PM
OK, my comments are in the quote. I may as well prep you now - you can probably see alot of red down there :)




I finally finished book one of my trilogy, so i decided to have it edited and proofread.

I send the first 3k works to someone on fiverr, This is the returned version,
I wasn't impressed [<- no, I wouldn't be either. Did you pay for this? you should get your money back, seriously]
but would like some feedback on both the contents and editing/proofreading.[<- do you have the original version. Not sure what's yours and what's theirs, though this title sounds familiar]

It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids,[<- comma splice/run on sentence; remove the 'not' because otherwise you are saying that he has eaten well - and possibly nonstop - for the last two days] the result of this was [<- unnecessary; the word order suggests it is a result ] wreaking havoc on his system.

His mind battled with the confusion and dizziness that had become his constant companion. Each and every one of his joints ached as the essential fluids needed to keep them lubricated slowly disappeared. [<- too ... medical? too much irrelevant detail maybe]
With each step he took, he could feel what little energy he had left in his body is being slowly drained away.

For the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules, transfixed by a mixture of terror and revulsion that flooded his senses. [<- cliched expression; and too tell-y. Show us the revolting stuff! :) Flood *our* senses ]

Now he could only focus his eyes on the walls,[<- this is known as 'filtering', presenting elements of your story third hand, via the perceiving lens of the character. sometimes it is ok, to put us in their point of view, but too much and we get a sense of someone gurning alot as they go looking at stuff, not your actual world. Just depict the blue glow or whatever it is] their metallic surface reflecting the bluish glow that the ship’s cargo was emitting.
He could no longer even glance at the ships’ freight[<- why include something he could no longer see or do?] as the magnitude of what was housed on board this giant craft sunk in.
Aaron knew this was just one of the hundreds if not thousands of similar ships that had first appeared around his world almost two years ago

As he looked ahead he could not see any discernible differences from what had lain behind, nothing but miles upon miles of a glowing walkway. There was [<- were] no furnishings or other objects to break up the vacant expanse. [<- this is more filtering, particularly concerning things that aren't there. It's important to really put us in the story, and that includes describing/interacting with stuff that is there, not just bemoaning stuff that isn't (which is more like an internal thought process) ]
.

Gathering what little courage he processed [<- you don't say. I basically want his ship to explode and for him to be vapourised. I hope he is your antagonist because I sympathise with him not one iota. Sorry, but there it is. Make something likeable about him. FYI it should be "possessed" not "processed" unless I am completely lost here (which is entirely possible, for various reasons ;) )], he had moved [<- choose a stronger, more active verb to shuffle this fellow about] closer to the outer edge of the walkway. Peering both up and down [<- filtering] he was greeted by the sight[<- filtering] of hundreds of similar walkways, where do they all go? He had wondered. [<- you can probably get away with a lower case "h" here, because - though it is anew sentence, it's a sort of anomaly called "free indirect speech" where you use internal thoughts in regular text. It's a good way to maintian point of view ]



I stopped here because I suspect the same things would apply. One other thing to think about is: what's happened? Why is Aaron staggering about? What's this terrible thing that's on board his ship. These are questions your readers will have and if you have expended all the effort and time required to write a whole book, you deserve some workable crit that can help you in the interminable editorial process. Lemme know if you need any of the above explaining.

Good luck :)

CPMurphy
August 26th, 2016, 08:19 PM
The first part of the story is/was a prologue i added after i had the outline of the story worked out, it ties in with the final chapter. I was 90% decided to remove it because i couldn't figure how to do it justice without giving the ending away.
I sent it to the editor/proofreader to see what they could do with it before i discarded it, this is what they returned, yes i got a refund.

I know the book is only at the first draft stage and will need a lot of polishing, but after reading it ( allowing for grammar and such) i am pleased with the story and characters.

Thanks for the advise i have taken it all on board and will use it during the rewrites.

CPMurphy
August 27th, 2016, 07:20 AM
Every now and then as i was writing my book i would let someone read a scene that i had just wrote, I would look at their faces and watch their expressions. i would see them laugh and smile if the scene was funny, look sad if the scene was sad. and so on,

I didn't set out to compete with Tolkien or anyone else for that matter. an idea for a story had formed in my mind, a story which has grown to the stage where i am not sure now if i can even fit it into three books, when i'm writing my story, grammar and spelling isn't at the top of my concerns, if it was i would still be on the first line,
when i write and ideas are flowing i put them down as fast and best i can, For me the story and the characters was the most important aspect, i didn't care if i used a comma where i should have used a full stop. i might not be the most articulate person in the world, my grammar and vocabulary might be poor.

but i have one thing going for me. i wrote 83 thousands words of a story that my intended audience has enjoyed. That audience was me, my family and friends.
and i will continue to enjoy writing the next two books, spelling mistakes, bad grammar, poor word choices, i will enjoy every second of it.

bdcharles
August 27th, 2016, 09:24 AM
Ah, my mistake. I tend to assume that people who post here are soliciting feedback and so on with a view towards publication. Apologies if that's not the case with you.

And bravo for a. getting 83K words down b. getting f&f's to enjoy it! My wife got through 3 chapters of my first MS before she flung it aside, citing "abject hatred" of a certain character (who was a favourite with other readers...)

Olly Buckle
August 27th, 2016, 10:46 AM
and i will continue to enjoy writing the next two books, spelling mistakes, bad grammar, poor word choices, i will enjoy every second of it.

Excellent, and it will probably come through in the story, it is not a reason for not bothering to improve though. Experience tells me that one takes things on board and improves even without meaning to, but it accelerates the process if something in a crit pops up elsewhere and you notice it. Giving crit to others helps internalise it fairly painlessly.

I agree, I found this unimpressive as a professional 'rewrite', take the beginning; first impressions are important.


It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.
Someone already pointed out the grammatical error, ie. if it is two days since he hadn't drunk that means he had drunk for the last two days; but there is more than that.
'almost a full two days'
That is bringing two contradictory concepts together, you would be better off with just one, 'a full two days', or 'almost two days', you could lose both! It is alyays worth remembering the adage 'less is more'; in this case to give you a snappy beginning.
Strip it right down to the two basic concepts.
"For two days Aaron had not eaten or drunk; this was wreaking havoc."
Then look and think if there is anything missing, or if you wish to elaborate.

Life is progress, we don't always feel we are changing, but everytime you learn something and apply it you have a bit more understanding and the writing gets that bit better, more power to you, all the best, Olly.

Ultraroel
August 27th, 2016, 12:01 PM
There was no intention to make you feel bad or make you feel as if the story wasn't good.
Practically everyone here means to help you improve, which will make your future stories even more enjoyable for yourself and others to read.
I always strife to improve my writing, even though its not meant to be published.

Let me say that I am impressed with your persistance :) I've been writing since half a year, but none of my projects got passed the first 40k words so far.

Anyway, I would like to see a revised version as the premise was very interesting.

CPMurphy
August 27th, 2016, 12:51 PM
I Didn't mean to sound like i didn't appreciate the critique or advice. i do, and i have taken it all on board. It was early in the morning for me and i had about 3 hours sleep.
In my poor effort i was trying to express how i enjoyed the experience. i loved how the characters seemed to develop their own personalities in such a way that i would change a plot line because it felt more like something that character would do or say.

yes it would be nice to try get it published but that wasn't my goal. my aim was to write the words THE END and look back and say i created those people and that world,

The section at the start of the book was shoehorned in just with the intention to let the reader know from the get go that it was a Sci-fi. it was poorly thought out and i couldn't get any flow when writing it. the next few chapters are all character introductions and building and i was concerned it was going to be too long before the Sci-fi element was introduced.

The first book is complete but just at the first draft stage. i'm sure even after a few rewrites people will still find mistakes, but to be honest it doesn't overly concern me as long as those i let read it enjoyed the story as much as i enjoyed writing it

Olly Buckle
August 27th, 2016, 11:46 PM
the characters seemed to develop their own personalities in such a way that i would change a plot line because it felt more like something that character would do or say.

To me that sounds like sound common sense. Doing it the other way round, trying toforce characters to play a part in the plot that they don't fit, would make them unbelievable, events can be made believable much more easily.

Jay Greenstein
August 28th, 2016, 02:51 AM
The kindest thing I can call the editing is extremely inept. Whoever did it had not a clue of how to write, and failed to point out the problems.
It had been almost a full two days since Aaron had not eaten or drank any liquids, the result of this was wreaking havoc on his system.First obvious point: what else can you drink but liquids? Given that, why mention that what he drinks is liquid? Second: As punctuated, the character eats and drinks liquids. In fact, as written, it's two days since he began eating and drinking again, and we don't know how long he was without it. Anyone who didn't see that problem in the first sentence cannot call what they do editing.

Of more importance, this is all telling, and is passively written. The opening section could be better said as:

After two days without food or drink Aaron was on the edge of collapse.

The rest is unneeded detail that serves only to slow the narrative. Fewer words to say the same thing= more punch. An editor should have commented on that because it's pervasive and needs to be addressed.
For the entire first day after he came onboard the ship he had been unable to take his eyes off the glowing capsules,This is the opening. So as yet, the reader doesn't know where we are in time and space, who we are, or what's going on. And given that, they haven't context to make the words meaningful. Look at the questions a reader will have:

• On board? On board what? A sailing ship? A submarine? A space craft?
• Couldn't take his eyes off them? So that's it? He stood there staring and never tried to figure out what they were?
• Glowing capsules? As in six foot tall capsules containing people or monsters? As in "Swallow this and grow?" As in a primitive coming into a ship and being impressed with light bulbs?

This makes perfect sense to you as you read because you have intent guiding you. But intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard, and the reader has only what the words suggest to them. And that's based on their experience, not yours.

Putting on my manuscript critique hat, my suggestion is to spend some time researching the tricks of the fiction writing field. To construct a scene you have to know what a scene is as an acquiring editor views one, because it's very different from a scene on stage or screen. If you hope to get a yes from a publisher you need to know what they see as good writing, because it's not at all like how we're taught to write in school. There we became nonfiction writers because that's what employers need of us.

So forget that site for editing. If you paid for the work demand your money back, you were cheated. Visit your local library system and look in their fiction writing section for the views of real editors, agents, teachers, and successful writers. There are no shortcuts, but by doing that you'll avoid the pitfalls that can add years to your journey.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

CPMurphy
August 28th, 2016, 11:07 PM
Thanks for the input. I will try explain my reasoning for what i had wrote, in the last chapter of my book Aaron's friend is captured and taken on board the ship. Aaron managed to sneak onto the ship with the hope he could find him, so a lot of what happens in the opening scenes is explained in the final chapter. in my poor attempt i was trying express as much as i could without giving too much away, i have since removed that part of the book and gone back to my original outlines.

When i sit down to write, and ideas start to flow i don't worry about sentence structure, grammar, spelling, i just get the story down with the plan to fix it later, when i tried to make sure everything was perfect i found the ideas dried up. also when i first start to write it can be somewhat of a struggle, but after awhile i would find the words coming much easier. so if i was to recheck my work as i wrote i would still be on page one.

I'm keen to get working on book two as i have the full story for it and the follow on book worked out, the first book was 83k words, book two i'm guessing will be about 150k and book three over 200k words.

So looking to save time i tried Fiverr to see if i could do the editing and proofreading, what i posted is what i received back. it left me realizing i was going to either put book two on hold or try combine doing the editing some nights and writing on other nights. not what i wanted but that's life.

Olly Buckle
August 28th, 2016, 11:50 PM
When i sit down to write, and ideas start to flow i don't worry about sentence structure, grammar, spelling, i just get the story down with the plan to fix it later, when i tried to make sure everything was perfect i found the ideas dried up. also when i first start to write it can be somewhat of a struggle, but after awhile i would find the words coming much easier. so if i was to recheck my work as i wrote i would still be on page one.

Someone said "Write it first, then get it right". Getting the story down before you start editing is a really good idea, otherwise, as you say, it can turn into a struggle and ideas dry up. However, editing is not purely a chore, it can be most rewarding in itself when you find the right phrase, or spot the possible confusion. It is a different thing from having the ideas, less spontaneous, more structured, but as you continue you find youself recognising things. Look at Jay Greenstein's crit above and you will see several points, take them on board and look for them in other people's writing. Can you find people writing passively, telling not showing? Are they stating the obvious, like 'drinking liquids'? Are they assuming their readers know what they do? If so let them know, that will help you internalise what is happening, gradually it will creep into your writing and you will find there is less and less editing to do.

The other thing to do is read the other people's comments so you learn other things to look for, it is a good way of researching the tricks of fiction writing.

Personally I would be cautious of the library section on 'how to write fiction', there is quite often not a lot of insight in them, and what there is is padded out with a lot of guff, you might find more useful material in the advanced writing discussion on this forum, try some of the links in 'Piglet's picks'. I think some people have clicked that writing is something a lot of people want to try and are not confident about 'So let's write a guide, it could sell'. That doesn't necessarily make it good or enlightening, even people who are good authors sometimes can't explain why something works, or how to do it.

My experience is that the more you learn the more interesting and absorbing editing becomes.

CPMurphy
August 29th, 2016, 12:20 AM
Thanks for the advise :love-struck: Olly, i have listened and made some changes. i have just finished incorporating the offending first section back into the ending. removing lots of the fluff i had used. it fits in better now and i also think it gives the book a slightly better ending. it now finishes book one and leaves the reader knowing that there might be more to come,

If interested i can post it here and see if others think it makes more sense.

Jay Greenstein
August 29th, 2016, 02:38 AM
so a lot of what happens in the opening scenes is explained in the final chapter.A sad reality. If you confuse the reader on page one they will never see page two, let alone the final chapter. For you, who already know the story as you begin reading it all works, of course. But intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard. So at any point in the story the reader knows only what the words to that point suggest to them, based on their background and experience.

When you write a story from the outside in—tell it, in other words—the probability of the reader reacting to your words as you would is small. After all, they have a different background. Their cultural assumptions, idioms, etc., will be local and differ a bit from yours. They may be of a different age group and even gender, further muddying their perception of the words. And that makes it a bitch to tell the story to someone who can't at least hear the emotion in the voice telling the story. Take away your facial expression, movements, gestures, and body language, and your reader is going to diverge from what you hope they get almost immediately. It's a reality of the medium we work in.

Tell the story from the inside out, though, and place the reader into the persona of your protagonist, and they will understand the scene with the protagonist's cultural assumptions, background, and even misconceptions. Now, you, they, and the character are "on the same page," so to speak. And as the protagonist, the reader has reason to care what happens next. And without that they won't turn to the second page. The sig line at the bottom of this post says it all.