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QuentinJW
August 25th, 2016, 07:52 PM
It was something he hadn't felt in an eternity. He could feel a storm brewing, a hurricane, of old magic. The eye of the storm- that was a strange thing. What was that? He could barely discern it- but yes, how could that be? Mortal magic, creating this?
He was still awakening from his age-long slumber. He could not think, could not remember. What were the children doing? He knew that he knew what it was, but it was just out of reach. He could feel power coursing through him, a trickle of energy, but growing stronger. Then he opened his eyes.
He could see his land before him, a disgustingly warm part of a large mass. He searched for his brethren, and saw them waking up too- but not all. Many had dissipated in the time since the mortal worship ceased. Perhaps, ten, still lived?
And there- returning his divine gaze to his land, he saw the eye. Two mortals. One was- what was the word- a... male? Yes, and the other was a female. Words felt foreign to him, even conscious thought felt strange. Being awakened was slowly making him aware of what happened during his sleep. He could see wars with strange flashing metal creations, and large orbs producing flames not unlike a divine hand would produce. Were these mortal upstarts trying to be... gods? The thought enraged him! Foolish human flesh-mounds making imitations of divinity!
But wait... he watched the two mortals approach the Bell Guard. He remembered his highest mortal vessels, the strange monk man, Steven, and the Bell Guard, a black-spotted yellow creature he created long ago and endowed with speech. Bell Guard was fast.
He took a deep breath, the first he had taken in eons. He was fully awake. He was curious.
"Please, let us ring the bell!" The mortal, the female one, said. He detected that her name was Janet. Strange name. No one had a name like that.
"We are worthy! We plead to you, let us ring it. We've suffered greatly, you know that. He will accept us." The male's name was Seth. That was closer to a normal name, but still, he never heard one like it. His red people worshiped him as the moon and stars and sun, they worshipped him from the trees and dirt and grass. These people did not understand who he was, they couldn't comprehend.
A shockwave suddenly passed through him. He looked around; his brethren felt it as well. They turned their gaze to the epicenter of these ripples through reality to the only thing that could cause it- the Silver Bell.
They had rung it.
Now it couldn't be unstruck.
The gods gathered. They conversed. They knew what was to be done. He went down to earth, appearing as his greatest creation- the red skinned mortal. He suddenly became aware he didn't know his name. He made one up.
"My name is... Ram. I am Ram the god. You have rung the bell. The end of the world is now imminent. You see, I know what you are about to ask. When you rang the bell, you poor mortals, everyone heard. Demons are returning. It will be years, perhaps even centuries, until they choose to come down and rain chaos upon your world- but it is now imminent. You will notice frog rain and blood rivers. They are the tears of my brothers. I will not kill you and bring your souls up to our land, and you shall fight alongside us as immortals. This is your price, paid for with pain. The journey is over. Congratulations. You will now die."
He raised a calloused hand, crossing the index and middle. The tips glowed as magic flowed through them. He let he light build until he slashed in a vicious diagonal. A simple snap to their spinal cords. The mortals were dead. He tore their souls out and carried them up. Stupid mortals. They have suffered, and this is their reward. He took them into the heavens.



*Authors Note*
I know the sentences are short, but it's from the view of a god. Anything else that's bad is a mistake and please point that out.

Harper J. Cole
September 7th, 2016, 10:22 AM
Brief, but interesting. I'd like to see more description of the place where the Silver Bell is located; perhaps flesh out the story with more descriptions of the characters as well.

Also, when posting on the WF it's best to leave spaces between your paragraphs; our software doesn't allow you to indent, so your text is put together in a block which is difficult to read.

You asked about specific errors; I just saw a few of these ...


Being awakened was slowly making him aware of what happened during his sleep.

This should be "what had happened" as you're describing events that occurred before the time-frame of this chapter.


"Please, let us ring the bell!" The mortal, the female one, said.

Small "t" here, as this counts as being part of the same sentence as the text within the quotation marks.


I will not kill you and bring your souls up to our land, and you shall fight alongside us as immortals.

I think this should be "now", based on the fact that he does then kill them.


He let he light build until he slashed in a vicious diagonal.

This should be "the".

Hope that this has been helpful,

HC

QuentinJW
October 8th, 2016, 01:30 AM
Brief, but interesting. I'd like to see more description of the place where the Silver Bell is located; perhaps flesh out the story with more descriptions of the characters as well.

Also, when posting on the WF it's best to leave spaces between your paragraphs; our software doesn't allow you to indent, so your text is put together in a block which is difficult to read.

You asked about specific errors; I just saw a few of these ...



This should be "what had happened" as you're describing events that occurred before the time-frame of this chapter.



Small "t" here, as this counts as being part of the same sentence as the text within the quotation marks.



I think this should be "now", based on the fact that he does then kill them.



This should be "the".

Hope that this has been helpful,

HC

I'm pretty late gahah but thanks for the feedback, and when I said 'not' instead of 'now,' that was just a typo. Thanks :)