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View Full Version : The Awakening, Part 1: The Bell[Some Explicit Language]



QuentinJW
August 24th, 2016, 06:45 PM
Seth and Janet walked through the woods, searching for the rumored cave. If the cave wasn't here, if it didn't exist, or that son of a bitch gave Janet the wrong place, or if it was deeply hidden, or ANYTHING but right damn there, then a whole year of back breaking work would be for naught.
'Do you really think he's here?' Janet asked, her voice slightly quivering with anticipation and fear.
'We have to believe, at least. I don't see how he couldn't be. We turned over every God damned rock that's possible to be turned over, and this is what we got. We went through a shitload of pain- it has to be enough to satisfy him,' Seth said in his deep, firm voice.
The pair was walked through thick woods in the wilderness of Virginia, searching for a certain cave that was supposedly the host of a man with a certain bell to call to a certain deity. They suffered through a decades' worth of sacrifice, research, and fieldwork. Janet slept with filthy men to obtain secrets, and Seth was forced into sleeping with numerous witch-creatures. They had killed two people. They burned a building. They even sliced open their fucking veins. They drank the wine, burnt the incense, said the incantation. And after weeks and weeks, they finally got a hold of something- a reclusive 7"4 black man who was a giant in disguise. The two of them tracked him down and got him to give them the address of a talking goat. The goat told them to eat gold, then burn their shit. The shit-smoke gave them the general location of a gathering of monks who served a group called the Hundred Witch Circle.
They killed a monk. Another monk, in his vomit-filled panic, gave them a book. The book was a prayer to a demon that could give them magic.
They both slept with the demon. His sperm was what contained magic.
They went through unimaginable pain. They had scars on their backs from being whipped by a dryad. Birch branches hurt like a bitch. They had pentagrams tattooed and crosses and who-knew-what else. Eventually, they found a man only known by the name One Monk.
'Great One Monk, we seek your favor.' The One Monk was 10 feet tall. He looked down at their kneeling forms with cold, impassive eyes. His robes rippled in an intangible breeze, and his hair was plastered back from the wind thereof.
'You are children of earth. I know what you want. You are not mages. You have neither the power nor the wisdom to do what you wish.'
'Monk, we will do whatever it takes. We know that he is real, we just need to contact him!' Seth pleaded.
'Ha! The gods are dead. I was his highest monk, blessed with immortality by his own hand. I would know if he lives. He does not. He is dead, as are the rest.'
'He isn't dead.' Janet was glaring at the giant immortal, seething with rage. 'I've been through all the fucking tests. We have suffered pains you couldn't even imagine. We've almost lost our damn humanity, and I won't let u fuck around with us. We will bring him back, because damn it, we know he's alive. Tell us what to do!' She was practically screaming the final words. You could see the sheer rage simmering off her like ripples over a road in August.
'Hm.' The monk had the nerve to laugh! Laugh like they were simple children, like they hadn't been through worse shit than be even knew was possible. 'Fine. There is a cave in the woods west of here. The cave contains the Bell Guard. He will teach you the prayer to beseech his Highness. He is a generally kind god, and will likely accept you. But beware- he will only accept those who have suffered immense pain and torment. Be sure of what you are doing before you do it. Bells are loud, and they can't be un-rung. No one has called a god in a thousand years. Consider yourselves warned.' Then the temple began crumbling around them, the bricks and massive blocks of marble turning to smoke as they hit the ground, the phantom temple returning to ether. The duo then went on their way to summon a god.


*Authors Note*
The part 2 will conclude this based on the gods POV. Feel free to comment.

Tbird0000
August 25th, 2016, 02:27 AM
I liked this. I'm not a Grammer nazi because I know when someone is dead serious on writing, that all gets ironed out later on.

I more focus on the story and how it flows. What you created here was very good. Although there is no back story whatsoever and the reader is kind of just thrown it, it was good none the less.

QuentinJW
August 25th, 2016, 02:30 AM
I liked this. I'm not a Grammer nazi because I know when someone is dead serious on writing, that all gets ironed out later on.

I more focus on the story and how it flows. What you created here was very good. Although there is no back story whatsoever and the reader is kind of just thrown it, it was good none the less.

Yeah, I really just wanted the reader to be like, 'wait, what?' and focus more on the dark aspects of achieving what they wanted and less of a backstory. I was mostly aiming for a kind of twisted story and less of WHY they were doing this and more of the fact that they were doing it lol. Thanks though, I have part 2 typed and am just revising it, and I'm now thinking of doing a prologue.

Jay Greenstein
August 25th, 2016, 03:23 AM
Seth and Janet walked through the woods, searching for the rumored cave.It appears that you're focused on Story with a capital S, in that you're focused on the events, as if that's what the reader comes for. But that's a history book approach—a report on the events in the life of a fictional character. Think from a reader's viewpoint—a reader who comes to the work expecting to be entertained. After we read the line: Where are Seth and Janet in time and space? Dunno. You say, "the woods." But does that mean a forest, the border of a park? What they call the undeveloped land behind the house? No way to tell. But it matters a great deal to the reader, so far as setting the scene and the mood within it. Because you haven't placed the reader in time and space; because they don't know who the characters are as people; because we don't know why they're in the woods, the reader has no context, just a context free fact, which they hope you will clarify.But you don't. Instead:
If the cave wasn't here, if it didn't exist, or that son of a bitch gave Janet the wrong place, or if it was deeply hidden, or ANYTHING but right damn there, then a whole year of back breaking work would be for naught.What can this mean to the reader? Who's "that son of a bitch?" Not a clue. We don't know the people involved. We don't know why the cave matters—or what kind of cave it it. We have no idea if what the work that's mentioned is, why it was necessary, or why it was difficult physical labor (backbreaking work).

You know all that, so when you read, it has context, and the words arrive filled with emotion. For you, the lines call up memories and pictures stored in your mind. But when I read, the lines call up memories and pictures stored in your mind. And you're not here. My mind, as everyone knows, is empty.
'Do you really think he's here?' Janet asked, her voice slightly quivering with anticipation and fearHere you introduce a fourth unknown person, the mysterious "he." Why did she ask that? Why is her voice unsteady? What is there to fear? You know, but we have no hint, but must, if we're to be entertained. You're focused on Story, but readers come for story, which lives in the hearts and minds of the characters—in particular, the protagonist. That character is our avatar.

The problem you face is that in telling it as a report by an external observer, we know what's said and done, but as an overview—a dispassionately recounted history. And history is immutable, and therefore holds no uncertainty from a reader's viewpoint. But place the reader into the tiny moment in time the protagonist calls now; make them know the scene as the protagonist does, including misunderstandings, flawed assumptions and all, and the future becomes uncertain. Tell the story from the inside out, rather then the outside in, and the reader comes to know the scene as the protagonist, not the narrator, does. Do that and the reader has reason to speculate on what will happen, and worry if the protagonist's immediate goals will be achieved. Introduce that and there is a "now." and with it comes worry about the future. And with that, comes a desire to turn the page and know more. History books are seldom page-turners.

It's not a matter of good or bad writing, your potential as a writer, or even the story. It's that you're not making use of the techniques for presenting fiction on the page that have been developed over the years because you've not been exposed to them.

They're not mentioned during our school days because, then, we're learning skills that will make us useful to employers. We're not in training as fiction writers, so we learn none of the necessities and pitfalls of the medium.

Because we're not not trained in such things as how best to use tags, why a scene-goal is necessary, and why scenes usually end in disaster, we're not aware that there are such skills. And that means you have lots of company. The single most common cause of rejection is fiction written with the nonfiction writing skills we perfect in high school. And who's to tell us, given that everyone we know faces the same problem?

On the plus side, that means that if you pick up some of those skills you have a better chance than most to succeed, assuming that you have the necessary ability to use that knowledge. But that's a problem everyone faces, in every profession. And you can take heart in knowing that if I, who is the last to "get it" and slowest to learn, can achieve even a tiny amount of success, anyone can.

So check the offerings in the local library system's fiction writing section. It will be time well spent. And once you exchange that sturdy little dray horse we're given in school for Pegasus who knows where you'll fly to?

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Riptide
August 26th, 2016, 08:10 AM
You know what would be a greater story? Writing about the struggles it took them to get there. That seemed like it had enough to fill a good sized book. I think you have your story down, but it is fast paced. I like your voice and style, but it would do for a little slowing down and more descriptive writing. But really, good work, I do like it as it is, but the beginning can be its own novel

QuentinJW
August 26th, 2016, 12:41 PM
You know what would be a greater story? Writing about the struggles it took them to get there. That seemed like it had enough to fill a good sized book. I think you have your story down, but it is fast paced. I like your voice and style, but it would do for a little slowing down and more descriptive writing. But really, good work, I do like it as it is, but the beginning can be its own novel

Yeah, this is designed to be a short story while giving as much background as possible. I suppose that could be a pretty decent-sized book. Thanks :)

bdcharles
August 26th, 2016, 01:08 PM
Seth and Janet walked through the woods, searching for the rumored cave. If the cave wasn't here, if it didn't exist, or that son of a bitch gave Janet the wrong place, or if it was deeply hidden, or ANYTHING but right damn there, then a whole year of back breaking work would be for naught.
'Do you really think he's here?' Janet asked, her voice slightly quivering with anticipation and fear.
'We have to believe, at least. I don't see how he couldn't be. We turned over every God damned rock that's possible to be turned over, and this is what we got. We went through a shitload of pain- it has to be enough to satisfy him,' Seth said in his deep, firm voice.
The pair was [<- remove "was"] walked through thick woods in the wilderness of Virginia, searching for a certain cave that was supposedly [<- these blue sentences are largely repeats of each other] the host of a man with a certain bell to call to a certain deity. They suffered through a decades' worth of sacrifice, research, and fieldwork. Janet slept with filthy men to obtain secrets, and Seth was forced into sleeping with numerous witch-creatures. They had killed two people. They burned a building. They even sliced open their fucking veins. They drank the wine, burnt the incense, said the incantation. And after weeks and weeks, they finally got a hold of something- a reclusive 7"4 [<- go and watch 'This Is Spinal Tap'. Then you will realise that this guy must be a doll or something ;) I assume you mean 7'4" - 7ft 4in - that's before we get started on how they know his exact height] black man who was a giant in disguise. The two of them tracked him down and got him to give them the address of a talking goat. The goat told them to eat gold, then burn their shit. The shit-smoke gave them the general location of a gathering of monks who served a group called the Hundred Witch Circle. [<- that's probably my favourite bit ;) ]
They killed a monk. Another monk, in his vomit-filled panic, gave them a book. The book was a prayer to a demon that could give them magic.
They both slept with the demon. His sperm was what contained magic.
They went through unimaginable pain. They had scars on their backs from being whipped by a dryad. Birch branches hurt like a bitch. They had pentagrams tattooed and crosses and who-knew-what else. Eventually, they found a man only known by the name One Monk. [<- all this, in red, seems to be backstory. Is it happening in the here and now of the story? If not, why is it here? If so, expand it out and make a bigger narrative out of it; in effect, make it "actually happen" with your words]
'Great One Monk, we seek your favor.' The One Monk was 10 feet tall. He looked down at their kneeling forms with cold, impassive eyes. His robes rippled in an intangible breeze, and his hair was plastered back from the wind thereof. [<- I assume, given that they are now interacting with tihs One Monk, that he was presumably the fellow in the cave, so this is the here and now]
'You are children of earth. I know what you want. You are not mages. You have neither the power nor the wisdom to do what you wish.'
'Monk, we will do whatever it takes. We know that he is real, we just need to contact him!' Seth pleaded.
'Ha! The gods are dead. I was his highest monk, blessed with immortality by his own hand. I would know if he lives. He does not. He is dead, as are the rest.'
'He isn't dead.' Janet was glaring at the giant immortal, seething with rage. 'I've been through all the fucking tests. We have suffered pains you couldn't even imagine. We've almost lost our damn humanity, and I won't let u [<- really?] fuck around with us. We will bring him back, because damn it, we know he's alive. Tell us what to do!' She was practically screaming the final words. You [<- when breaking the fourth wall, make sure you break it for a good narrative reason. If you don't want to do this, simply have the thing happen; "The sheer rage simmered off her like ripples over a road in August", which is a good image btw, very alliterative and vivid :) ] could see the sheer rage simmering off her like ripples over a road in August.
'Hm.' The monk had the nerve to laugh! Laugh like they were simple children, like they hadn't been through worse shit than be even knew was possible. 'Fine. There is a cave in the woods west of here. The cave contains the Bell Guard. [<- oh, right, so we just went backwards in time and we're not actually at the cave yet. Why not just have this bit before, rather than referring back to it now. Does it actually warrant a flashback? Of so, make it clearer that that is what is happening. If not, could it not "just happen", in real time, beforehand?] He will teach you the prayer to beseech his Highness. He is a generally kind god, and will likely accept you. But beware- he will only accept those who have suffered immense pain and torment. Be sure of what you are doing before you do it. Bells are loud, and they can't be un-rung [<- I like that; it's rather profound! :) ]. No one has called a god in a thousand years. Consider yourselves warned.' Then the temple began crumbling around them, the bricks and massive blocks of marble turning to smoke as they hit the ground, the phantom temple returning to ether. The duo then went on their way to summon a god. [<- needs more drama]


*Authors Note*
The part 2 will conclude this based on the gods POV. Feel free to comment.

The ideas are fine and it all seems quite exciting. Plus you have some decent sentences in there and the grammar is ok, and we seem well placed in Janet's POV without being constantly reminded of who we "are" in this bit but the general writing in terms of sentence structure, narrative, flow and so on, needs attention.