View Full Version : The Bastard Son (2972 words)

August 23rd, 2016, 12:02 PM
This is a dream that I had not too long ago. It was actually pretty complex and lasted the entire night. The imagery and story of it was too good to not try and write about it. Lemme know what you think. I haven't written on here in quite some time.

From the time I came into existence, I was alone. My Father was never there and I don't know if I ever had a Mother. It was only him, there, in spirit only and never in the flesh. I knew nothing but blackness from him.The invisible silhouette of a being that should have been there to raise me; to nurture me; to show me the path I was meant to follow.But no, I was cast aside like rubbish, as it were. He never even gave me a name.

There I stayed for what felt like a millennium, with this feeling; this longing for compassion and nourishment. I recall everything in vivid detail. A memory like mine only comes with a being such as I. I’ve never been scared of the darkness or the fact that I grew into the man I am now;utterly alone. But at least then, when I was nothing but a speck of a thing, I longed for it immensely; his love and sympathy. I’ve had plenty of time to get over it, yearning for his affection. I've had quite some time really. Thats what happens when you’re alone, you have lots of time to reflect.

Time. That word. To you and others all around you, its a never ending, always moving thing that looms over you with every breath. Its all consuming. ‘Do I have the time?’ or ‘Lets make time.’ Time cannot be made. It isn't something that one can control. Sure there are rules and ways to bend them, but time cannot be controlled. For example, imagine you are working at your, well, place of work. You have a tasking from your boss. He or she asks you to get something done and that he or she wants it relatively quickly. Well, its to be assumed that you have other work that is already piling up over your eyeballs. So what do you do? I’m sure what you might be thinking by now. You would simply and without any complex thought ‘make the time’. You would cut corners or sacrifice another project to see to completion this imperative piece of work that must be done as soon as possible.

I'm here to tell you that without a doubt, you cant do it. Time cannot be made, as I’ve said before already. You cant just whisp it out of thin air or construct it in a lab. Your simple brain lacks the depth and complexity to even fathom one small part of that equation. And yet, I imagine that spread over a million years, you ever will. Evolution;there’s another word I think of often. Unlike the impossibility of harnessing time and bending it to your will, evolution is a very real thing. Now I know there are skeptics out there. Your never far from one in my opinion. But yes, its real and I have witnessed it with my own eyes. No, of course I don't have proof of it. Evolution takes place over extremely long periods of time and its likely you wont have definitive proof of it either for many years to come.

I must apologize, I feel I might have digressed a bit. As you can tell by now, I’m a very compassionate thinker. Ive had a very long time to myself and I think it best now to get some things off my chest, as one would say.

My tale starts and ends like any other really. How I was born a seed and grew into a man. How I took in the beauty of the world around me and in moments watched it burn to a cinder. There was a time of long silence where I’m not ever really sure that I had thoughts. Women and men interwoven like a quilt and I lay there in the middle enjoying the ecstasy of their sexual company. My tale is about years and years of watching and learning; desperately trying to understand the grand scheme we call life on Earth. Yes, my tale does indeed start and end like any other. It wasn't until ‘her’ that I truly started to live. And it wasn't until ‘her’ that I even had a name. Until‘her’, I simply referred to myself as the Bastard son of Lucifer.

August 25th, 2016, 01:31 AM
Your piece really starts to pick up momentum towards the ending. In-fact, your final paragraph was my favorite. One nitpick is the formatting when you use your semicolons. In order to make the viewer have the easiest time reading as possible I suggest you amend the issues there. You should be able to see them if you glance it over.

Your first two paragraphs aren't bad either but I feel that the middle is where it is lacking. It doesn't work for me and it seems too methodological and, for lack of a better word, clinical. I didn't feel that spark like I did with the ending when I read it. I know you might want to reveal the character, and/or yourself, but you may want to look it over and consider what is worth cutting and keeping and work at it from there.

Just my two cents! Keep on writing!

August 25th, 2016, 03:56 AM
Thanks for the read. I don't mind using semicolons from time to time and I'm still learning how to use them. But I can understand.

Ill definitely be rewriting this stuff later on. I thought best to scribble something to at least keep the idea as a place holding if you know what I mean.

And I do agree, the last paragraph is even my favorite as well.

Jay Greenstein
August 25th, 2016, 04:01 AM
You've presented 712 words, or the first three standard manuscript pages. And what happened? Nothing. What have we learned that sets the scene, develops character or moves the plot? Nothing. A voice we can't hear, and so is devoid of emotion (have the computer read it aloud and you'll see what I mean) talks about things for which the reader has no context.

So at the end of three pages we've been given nothing that will make us need to turn the page because, in effect, you've simply said, "I have a story to tell you." And the reader already knows that.

The short version:

“Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”
~ James H. Schmitz

September 15th, 2016, 01:37 AM
Uh wow, that was cool. I really like how you write, especially the beginning had me - somehow unusual and captivating. Because I didn't expect this last information, I was constantly trying to make sense of this text. It confused me, but in a good way. I was just a little bit bored when the thinker of Lucifer came out. I am a thinker myself so it amused me when he commented his personality trait, but it was still somehow boring for me and so I skipped it a little bit.
But all in all I really like your text! Not a short story, but a short thought. I am curious as to how your dream must have been like.

November 2nd, 2016, 09:49 PM
interesting story I liked the style and pacing of it certainly to the end it was pretty good, good write!

December 8th, 2016, 02:15 AM
This is a very interesting writing and I would most likely read more if it was expanded into a much larger project. Keep up the good work!