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QuentinJW
August 20th, 2016, 11:29 PM
Many have wandered, few have found.
Many look, few can see.

Kevak wandered through the cosmos for generations of mortal men. To him, they seemed akin to the ants that they so gallantly compared themselves to. Foolish, those men were.
Nothing, that what they truly are, Kevak thought. Their clockwork is useless, and they have nothing with which to rewind their delicate innards. Kevak looked upon mortal men with disgust. They sat about all during their fragile lives, and what little they did manage to accomplish was so worthless, it astonished him that men could live with themselves.
Kevak, though. Kevak was more than they were. Kevak was not made of fragile clockwork. Kevak had the tools to rewind his innards. Kevak had the Powers Innumerable at his disposal, a grand array of invincible and almighty tools to alter this puny canvas as he wished. His Powers were stronger than others, a vast bank of infinities he could draw upon at a moments notice. Yet he was bound by the Codex. The most ancient rules, the rules that set the wheels of reality into motion, rules that created his very own Powers Innumerable. Kevak could not simply alter his world as he pleased. He was bound by the Codex, down to the last atom and electron.
But he still had the Powers. They were quite Innumerable.
He was the One Who Can See, the greatest Finder of all the Lost Things.
Kevak was looking for Graveland. And he most certainly would not be held back, no, he would ride triumphantly into the Pale Gates and his cries of ecstasy would reverberate through the Yellow Paths, only dimming in the Marrow of Kings, where upon he would let everyone know what he had done, show everyone that it was he, Kevak, wielder of the Powers Innumerable, who would find that which the Faces Upon Clouds had buried into the tomb of knowledge. He would find it, the great Graveland of the past Age of Gravelord, the greatest ruler of all times.
Kevak approached the world, looking upon it with divine Vision. If Graveland was still alive, it would be here.
Oh, what joy! His shrieks of pure enthrallment echoed amounts the stars, the great burning orbs turned to him, the whole realm could see and hear his ecstatic roars upon his discovery. He saw it, the pale structures, the stone facades of the Elite Graves, the yellow heart, still alive, still standing.
The great Graveland, the city of bones that were brought to life by the Powers Infinite, the most divine hand that still was not a Face in a Cloud, the most high and exhaled Gravelord. His work still stood, a city of complex Powers, the living, thinking, truly alive city of the graves. The Capitol of creation still stood, and Kevak was the one to find it. He could feel it now- an evil presence within Graveland, a writing mass of black Power bound to the city. Gravelord still lived, and Kevak wept for its beauty. Kevak would not kill the city, he would not destroy Gravelord. Kevak would absorb him, host him, weird the mysterious Powers Infinite, return the worlds to where the truly belong.
He would return them all to Graveland. The beauty of it stunned him. But soon he was not him.
He was Death.

Jay Greenstein
August 22nd, 2016, 04:21 AM
You're explaining the story, using the words you would were you at the campfire. The problem is that the viewpoint is that of the storyteller, someone external to the story and talking about it, and that's inherently dispassionate. You can tell the reader that a character shouted, or spoke angrily, but you cannot tell the reader how you would read a given line—or how they should.

So while you hear emotion in your voice as you read the reader, unfortunately, gets a monotone. And because of that, telling a story on the page is very unlike telling it in person. Since the emotion can't come from your performance, and the words about the story can't do the job, another method is required, one that places the reader on the scene as-the-character. People come to you for an emotional, not informational experience, remember. And that takes the tricks of the fiction-writing craft, something we can't learn by reading fiction because we see only the polished product. To create that product takes the process, the learned part of writing fiction.

Given that, spending a bit of time picking up a few of those tricks will be time very well spent.

QuentinJW
August 22nd, 2016, 12:30 PM
You're explaining the story, using the words you would were you at the campfire. The problem is that the viewpoint is that of the storyteller, someone external to the story and talking about it, and that's inherently dispassionate. You can tell the reader that a character shouted, or spoke angrily, but you cannot tell the reader how you would read a given line—or how they should.

So while you hear emotion in your voice as you read the reader, unfortunately, gets a monotone. And because of that, telling a story on the page is very unlike telling it in person. Since the emotion can't come from your performance, and the words about the story can't do the job, another method is required, one that places the reader on the scene as-the-character. People come to you for an emotional, not informational experience, remember. And that takes the tricks of the fiction-writing craft, something we can't learn by reading fiction because we see only the polished product. To create that product takes the process, the learned part of writing fiction.

Given that, spending a bit of time picking up a few of those tricks will be time very well spent.

Now that u mention it you're right haha. I never really thought of the emotion part as I was writing it, usually I do that on a second revision, and I just wrote this in 10 mins so I could post something. Thanks, I'll try to add more emotion because I honestly probably don't haha.

Bard_Daniel
August 22nd, 2016, 11:24 PM
I have to admit I also find that there is no emotional core to this piece which makes it hard to feel for the character. Also, you do a lot of telling. You are telling us this and that etc when it could otherwise be shown. As you wrote this in ten minutes maybe it would be worth it to post up, next time, a more revised edition or (if you're putting a new piece), make sure to have really put some of that writing muscle into it.

Just my two cents! Write on!

QuentinJW
August 22nd, 2016, 11:42 PM
I have to admit I also find that there is no emotional core to this piece which makes it hard to feel for the character. Also, you do a lot of telling. You are telling us this and that etc when it could otherwise be shown. As you wrote this in ten minutes maybe it would be worth it to post up, next time, a more revised edition or (if you're putting a new piece), make sure to have really put some of that writing muscle into it.

Just my two cents! Write on!

thanks, I'm thinking about either making a revised version or a sequel if I bother doing anything. :)

Bard_Daniel
August 23rd, 2016, 12:03 AM
thanks, I'm thinking about either making a revised version or a sequel if I bother doing anything. :)

Sounds good! I'll keep a lookout for it. : D

Ultraroel
August 25th, 2016, 07:43 PM
As a non-native and as a -attempting writer I love your style. It feels great, although i agree with the earlier mentioned things like the feedback.


Looking forward to the revised version of this work, or the sequel.