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rickyknight1
July 6th, 2016, 09:25 PM
- The place, is on a rocky mountain. The night is frightfully cold, and the blizzard is waging war on trees. All the animals scurry. Let us meet a man named, Reagan Marcy.
A well accomplished biochemist, he is locked up inside of a tower paralyzed. Along with memory loss. Let us go on a journey with Reagan as he starts to recollect the pieces of his horrible truth.-

I'm finally waking up, my head is dazed. I think I must have been in a coma, I don't know where I am. My memory's too dull to place a finger. I seem to be laying in a bed while I'm surrounded by a placid darkness.
It wasn't too long ago that I was somewhere else, but where? I can hear a noise; it sounds like the turning of a door knob, and When it opens- the light comes pouring in like a river.
It breaks the somber. I try to speak but, to my frightened revelation, I am both mute and immobile.

A silent man enters the room. His silhouette has a very large built, I'd say he is about six feet tall weighing over two hundred pounds.
I'm watching him like a cornered rat, he walks over to his table and flicks on a pale light. Al though I can't see his face, I don't think that I know who he is.
He's playing with what sounds like a variation of mechanical tools. Some are loud like a giant saw, and others are a bit more quiet. That sounds like a drill! I could faint, I don't want to know what he's planning to do with it.

I catch a glimpse of myself through the mirror on the ceiling- what is this!? My entire left arm and both of my feet are made entirely out of metal! What is going on here, what has he done to me???
The terror in my heart is spreading panic like a cancer! He's walking towards me, each step he takes is causing my spirit to sink lower into my guts. My breathing is getting shallow, I'm afraid to even look! He is holding a filthy serynge in his hand.

He injects me with a serum. I jump in the inside, I hope that it's not posison. It hasn't been very long but, I'm already starting to feel it's effects. Now my eyes feel like they weigh a ton. I'm starting to dose off, back into sleep.
This is not good at all. I seem to be dreaming but, somehow I'm still conscious. I can see and hear everything that is happening. I must be accessing all of this through my memory banks, while I'm in my dream like state.

What is this? I can see myself in a uniform, working on chemicals inside of a laboratory. Is this where I work? A man who appears to be a supervisor is approaching me.
"Hey, becareful Raegan- this stuff is potent."
"I'm not showing off but, you should trust me Jim.
After all, I am the new lead scientist."
"Ha! Listen kid, I've been doing this since you were probably like 12 years old.
I don't care what your job title says, everyone is liable to make a mistake."

I'm throwing my thumbs up, as an initiation to the rest of the crew, they are following suit. They are now applying a new chemical inside the giant tube. Whatever it is, that we are working on, it looks very toxic.
Oh, this doesn't look good. There is grey fumes gushing out of it, the men are trying to stop it from getting worst, the alarm is going off, and the whole place is going on red alert!

The boss is furious, he's screaming from the top of his lungs.
"Dammit Raegan! I told you not to mess this up!!!"
"Sir, I don't know what happened.
I must of missed a mis-calculation on the data sheet."
"Well, now you just cost me a whole lot of money. And you just bought me into a heap of trouble!"
"Sir, I'm really sorry."
"That's it Raegan. You're suspended for a week- without pay!" He said. I am furios and a little confused, and now everyone is getting checked by the doctors; to make sure that they are alright.

This is unbelievable, could this be the answer that I'm looking for? No, there has to be more to the story. That was a very interesting scenario but? I'm still missing the rest of my puzzle. What could of happened to bring me here, in my current condition?

I must think harder and try to find out the whole truth. Im going to dig deeper in my mind.
I'm somewhere else, I can see myself with a woman who appears to be my wife. We are sitting down at a picnic, near an oak tree in the valley close to the mountains.

The wind is brushing her hair, while she's adorned with a sun-kissed dress, exposing her flesh. She reaches over and gives me a kiss.
"I love you Mr. Marcy, my handsome prince."
"I love you too Betsy. I'm so glad we're taking this vacation. Especially the way things are, back at the lab."
"Oh honey, they have to stop blaming you for what happened. It's not your fault."
"Technically no but, I should of been more careful. As lead scientist- the blame falls on me."
"Your boss should try to be a bit more understanding."
"I know honey. Now I feel as if my whole career is over."
"No, it's not over. You're the lead scientist. Sooner or later, they are going to need you."
"I guess you're right."
"Come here, tell me how much you love me."

We warmly embrace each other with a kiss, I seem to be very happy. So far- I've learned that I'm a succesful scientist with a beautiful wife.
Al though it's not all perfect, it still doesn't explain why I'm here. Which tragedy is going to bring me to my current state?
It is now late evening and something appears wrong, my wife mentions something about forgetting to pack her medicines. She is starting to look very ill.

This isn't very good, I pick her up and I put her in my car.
I drive up the mountains heading towards the closest town.
"Hang in there sweetheart. Im taking you to a hospital."
"Raegan, I- I don't feel...well."
"I'm going to fix this, I promise."
Im driving more furiously now. The weather forecast on the radio is announcing a blizzard.

They're warning everyone to stay off the roads. But I have no choice, my wife is getting sick I need to get her to a hospital. The funny thing is, I'm actually starting to remember about us.
I can see me and her dancing at what appears to be our homecoming in junior college. I give her something, she looks ecstatic. This is the night that I proposed; she made me the happiest person on the planet.

I remember reading her poetry, and how she treats me to ice cream, and takes me to all the local dinners. It's no wonder that we fell in love, we were made for each other. The snow storm is here, and it's impossible to see. The turns are sharp, and I just missed one! The car starts spinning out of control, the road is too slippery for me to get a good grip.

I can see us sitting at a table, she looks radiant in a red dress. The candles illuminate the fire in her eyes. I remember why I fell in love with her in the first place, it's because of those eyes, she looks like a wild tiger.
The car is spins out of control- it flips over, and crashes into a steep ravine. Smoke is bursting out from the broken engine, for a short moment- there is silence. The dead air could kill.

I'm looking through all the black dust, she's bleeding everywhere. I can't get her to respond and I'm stuck in my seat. To make things worst, I faint from my injuries. After what seemed like an eternity, a man opens up my door and pulls me out.
I can't get a good look at his face but, I think he's the same man in my room. But what happened to my wife!? I'm open my eyes, he looks at me with a pale face. He injects me with something much stronger than last time.

I feel a shock across all of my limbs, I scream really loud.
"Wait, I can speak! I can move!" He's looking at me with utter amazement- spread across his face. "You're awake!? After I performed your operation, I wasn't sure if you would live."
I stand up; half human, half metal, a monster- reborn.
My 'creator' stares with glory, he calls it an inescapable since of pride. Because of him, I am forced to look at my metallic limbs and now I feel great- thankful that I'm still alive.

I have a question burning in my mind, and it hits me in my stomach but, inspite of my despair, I have to know the truth. So I dare ask the ultimate question. "Where is she? Where is my wife???"
He looks as if he was hoping I would never ask this question. "I- I don't know how to answer that yet, Mr. Marcy."
For one second I go blank, I think of Betsy and how much I love her. I think of our lives together, then I about the moment in the car. When I was driving her to the hospital, when I promised her that I would fix everything.

I lose it, I go crazy with rage. I grab him by his coat like a wild man. "Where is she!?" He looks shaken up, terrified by what I might do. He swallows, finally he answers. "Raegan please, put me down." I let him go.
He pulls himself together then he walks over to my side. He reaches his hand over on my shoulder to comfort me.
"Come, there is something in the next room that I feel I must show you." Im following him, this trip feels like it can take a year. I am a psycho barbarian because, after everything that I just been through, I still feel like there is hope.

Bard_Daniel
July 7th, 2016, 04:05 PM
I liked the way you introduced the story, and I think that it has some merits, but it is bogged down by the transition from memory into the present. Something feels missing and I think that if you bring the story forward at a more measured pace instead of moving forward so briskly it might help your endeavors. You also might want to use a spellchecker. Syringe was spelt as "seringne" and there were a few more simple errors that you could fix. Additionally,. I felt as if there was a lot of dialogue, maybe a tad too much for what you were trying to project here. Maybe keeping the focus of the dialogue but shortening how many words were used would make it crisper.

Just my two cents! Write on!

rickyknight1
July 7th, 2016, 05:47 PM
I liked the way you introduced the story, and I think that it has some merits, but it is bogged down by the transition from memory into the present. Something feels missing and I think that if you bring the story forward at a more measured pace instead of moving forward so briskly it might help your endeavors. You also might want to use a spellchecker. Syringe was spelt as "seringne" and there were a few more simple errors that you could fix. Additionally,. I felt as if there was a lot of dialogue, maybe a tad too much for what you were trying to project here. Maybe keeping the focus of the dialogue but shortening how many words were used would make it crisper.

Just my two cents! Write on!
O wow thank you. I was actually looking for interpratations because, I felt like it was rather short. What would you like to see added to this story?

Bard_Daniel
July 7th, 2016, 08:43 PM
In my opinion you could add to the period where he remembering his past life with the woman (wife?) and perhaps a little more right before the ending to establish him as a creation. If you use the same style it should work out well. If you wanted to post your revised version here I'd gladly take a look at it as well.

P.S. Have you ever thought of making it more of a short story? It's around 800 words right now so that makes it flash-fiction. I think you have enough material to make it a 1500-2000 word story. Any thoughts on that?

Keep in mind these are just my suggestions! Have a good one Ricky!

P.P.S. I tried to find a good spellcheck program online but I couldn't find one. Have you considered investing in Microsoft Word? It doesn't always fix grammar/punctuation mistakes but it's quite solid for spelling errors.

rickyknight1
July 7th, 2016, 09:09 PM
In my opinion you could add to the period where he remembering his past life with the woman (wife?) and perhaps a little more right before the ending to establish him as a creation. If you use the same style it should work out well. If you wanted to post your revised version here I'd gladly take a look at it as well.

P.S. Have you ever thought of making it more of a short story? It's around 800 words right now so that makes it flash-fiction. I think you have enough material to make it a 1500-2000 word story. Any thoughts on that?

Keep in mind these are just my suggestions! Have a good one Ricky!

P.P.S. I tried to find a good spellcheck program online but I couldn't find one. Have you considered investing in Microsoft Word? It doesn't always fix grammar/punctuation mistakes but it's quite solid for spelling errors.
No I agree about the spell check, I've been using my phone since my lap top went missing. I do agree that it can be longer, and I should definetly expose more light on his relationship with his wife, and I follow your idea about portraying him more as a weird creation towards the ending, which is how I came up with the whole story anyway. I pictured a scientific lab With a huge Frankenstein monster! Thank you for all the advice.

rickyknight1
July 8th, 2016, 08:45 AM
I added more to the story, like you suggested.

bdcharles
July 8th, 2016, 04:06 PM
Hi,

It's a pretty exciting idea - this guy being transformed into a modern day Frankenstein's monster with what, bits of his wife? Creepy - but cool creepy! I am definitely interested to see where this is going.

Now for the bits that need work: there are an awful lot of grammar errors, typos, missing words, and it seems that every third sentence contains a comma splice, so it is a bit hard to get through. Stuff like "could of" is liable to scupper any story, no matter how inventive it is, and "ravagent" is not a word - though it definitely should be! :) The formatting needs work too, and while I underdstand that the WF formatting engine is a mystery ... well, this needs tidying up, let's say that.

The sentence structures: leaving aside run-on sentences, you might benefit from varying things a little and just thinking about how you present each snippet where the style gets a bit samey; for example:

"The terror in my heart is spreading panic like a cancer, I have never been this terrified in my entire life. He is walking towards me, my breathing is getting more shallow, I'm afraid to look! He is holding a filthy serynge in his hand, he is injecting me with a serum."

Don't tell us he is terrified; terrify us readers. If he is terrified it is probably because something unsettling is happening, right? And that's certainly the case here. After all, he's just found out he is made of bits of metal and I can tell you what a little jolt of nerves that was, which is good, so you can probably leave out that bit saying how scared he is because you have already evoked that in your reader. Next, the following sentences: He is doing this, he is doing that, he is doing the other. This sounds "like writing". It doesn't sound like a mad scientist actually doing crazy things right now. Perhaps set the scene and focus on key bits where relevant, eg:

My breath becomes panicked, and shallow, as he walks slowly across the chipped grey floor towards me, a rust-tipped sryinge filled with toxic-looking green goo in one pale hand. Is he going to inject me with a serum? A poison? With a desperate effort I try to screw my eyes shut and turn away but the dreamlike paralysis still holds my body firm and my mouth wants to scream and spit and curse the dreadful figure approaching my motionless form but nothing happens; I am to face the horror fully awake and aware."

I don't mean to rewrite it for you but just wanted to illustrate other ways things can be phrased. There are 100's of ways it can be done. Try, experiment, learn from other books and see what you come up with. Good luck :)

rickyknight1
July 8th, 2016, 04:21 PM
Well thank you, sir. Trust me when I say that I appreciate every bit of advice!

rickyknight1
July 8th, 2016, 04:59 PM
Hi,

It's a pretty exciting idea - this guy being transformed into a modern day Frankenstein's monster with what, bits of his wife? Creepy - but cool creepy! I am definitely interested to see where this is going.

Now for the bits that need work: there are an awful lot of grammar errors, typos, missing words, and it seems that every third sentence contains a comma splice, so it is a bit hard to get through. Stuff like "could of" is liable to scupper any story, no matter how inventive it is, and "ravagent" is not a word - though it definitely should be! :) The formatting needs work too, and while I underdstand that the WF formatting engine is a mystery ... well, this needs tidying up, let's say that.

The sentence structures: leaving aside run-on sentences, you might benefit from varying things a little and just thinking about how you present each snippet where the style gets a bit samey; for example:

"The terror in my heart is spreading panic like a cancer, I have never been this terrified in my entire life. He is walking towards me, my breathing is getting more shallow, I'm afraid to look! He is holding a filthy serynge in his hand, he is injecting me with a serum."

Don't tell us he is terrified; terrify us readers. If he is terrified it is probably because something unsettling is happening, right? And that's certainly the case here. After all, he's just found out he is made of bits of metal and I can tell you what a little jolt of nerves that was, which is good, so you can probably leave out that bit saying how scared he is because you have already evoked that in your reader. Next, the following sentences: He is doing this, he is doing that, he is doing the other. This sounds "like writing". It doesn't sound like a mad scientist actually doing crazy things right now. Perhaps set the scene and focus on key bits where relevant, eg:

My breath becomes panicked, and shallow, as he walks slowly across the chipped grey floor towards me, a rust-tipped sryinge filled with toxic-looking green goo in one pale hand. Is he going to inject me with a serum? A poison? With a desperate effort I try to screw my eyes shut and turn away but the dreamlike paralysis still holds my body firm and my mouth wants to scream and spit and curse the dreadful figure approaching my motionless form but nothing happens; I am to face the horror fully awake and aware."

I don't mean to rewrite it for you but just wanted to illustrate other ways things can be phrased. There are 100's of ways it can be done. Try, experiment, learn from other books and see what you come up with. Good luck :)
You can read it now, I've made some minor adjustments.