View Full Version : Premise, Untitled Action/Thriller (~1500 Words) [Language]

June 30th, 2016, 07:57 AM
Notes: This is basically the pilot/premise for something I'm working on, based around some of the crap I went through with an Xbox crew. It sucked when it happened, and I was a bit sore about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that might actually make a pretty good story... so, enjoy!

I mean, you don't have to, of course. But I hope you do. Thanks in advance!

Hoo boy.

Kim Waxhaw.

I met her in Afghanistan, back when Easy was in decline. Nice girl, not much of a talker, though. Couldn't really tell which team she batted for, either, but aside from that, she was good at what she did, and that's why I hired her.

The desert swam in a haze of heat as the convoy eased its way along the dirt track. Bennett sat in the bed of a beat-up Toyota, staring out into the distance through dark sunglasses, wishing he'd been able to afford something with air conditioning, but profits were down and times were rough. He wasn't sure how long the few men he had left would stay with him.

He'd been forced to leave the United States in a bit of a hurry after the Black Wolf incident, and had set up shop in Pakistan with a few faithful followers. Most of their money was made escorting people across the border, though they'd gotten one or two security jobs and a translating gig here and there. Bennett had been able to afford three trucks and the tent that served as their office. Two of the trucks had been fitted with machine guns, this job would pay for the third.

The two armed technicals rode front and back, and the third truck, usually with Bennett in the bed, rode somewhere in the center. The other two vehicles in today's convoy were two large delivery trucks. Bennett didn't know what they were carrying. He hadn't asked about anything but the money, and the money was good.

"You'd better not be falling asleep back there, boy."

Bennett smiled and keyed his radio.

"Whatever, old man."

"Don't make me come back there."

"I'd like to see you try."

"I can show you better than I can tell you."

The driver chose this moment to pitch in.

"Shut up and watch your sector, Hammond."

"Mind your own business and drive, boy."

Bennett chuckled and fiddled with his rifle. One of the worst things about the escorts was the lack of anything to do. Despite what anyone might believe, there wasn't much action on the border, just the looming threat of ambush or the odd IED. Easy had only come into contact once, and they weren't even sure that it had been a real target.

On that note, the lead truck swerved left into the ditch on the side of the road.

"Mother fucker," Hammond said as their truck slowed and came to a stop. Bennett hopped out of the bed and took up position, and heard doors opening and shutting as the men in the rear truck did the same. There was a brief exchange over the radio, and then an explosion from the rear. Bennett saw one of the men go flying, then small arms fire opened up from the right side of the road.

"Are you shit-"

Blood splattered the passenger window and Hammond hit the ground. Bennett searched through the haze for targets, and saw movement. He opened up, and the movement stopped.

"God damn it!"

He slid into the ditch on the far side of the road and saw his driver and a couple of the others do the same. There was no point in trying to hide behind the vehicles, since they weren't armored.


No cover for miles, no way to tell what they were up against, and there was nothing but an unforgiving expanse of desert for miles in either direction. Bennett started to move and-

She attacked you?

Sorry, spaced out for a moment there.

She attacked you... and you hired her?

Yeah. Turns out it was a bit of a misunderstanding. Her group thought I was running guns for terrorist cells in Afghanistan, so they ambushed me.

Her group?

Some local anti-terrorist setup. Bunch of loonies going around looking for fights. She had the right background for it, you know. Father was US military, an Army captain, I think. Mother was Pakistani, they fell in love, got married. Kim learned the language from Mom, joined the Army after Dad, worked as a translator for a while, got fed up with the bullshit, went solo. Sound familiar? It's almost how I got started.

So, who survived?

Just the two of us. It was a long walk back to Pakistan. By the way, wonderful place to get to know someone, the desert. Probably would've made a great movie. The Kim and I, Two Idiots, One Desert, something like that. Five out of five stars.

Sarah Schultz?

KIA, as far as I know. That was before the Black Wolf thing, and I don't want to talk about it.

Fine. What about the Australians?

What about them?

Collins and Royce work for you, don't they?

Yeah, they don't actually work for me. We're just good friends. I don't know much about them, met them through Black Wolf. We were different divisions.

Yet you stayed in contact when you left Black Wolf. They helped you during the break-in.

Well, then you know everything you need to know. Why don't you tell me how it went down?

"All eyes are on Mitch and Jay. You're clear to move."

Bennett lifted the chain-link fence for Sadler, who wiggled through, then returned the favor. A symphony of gunfire and explosions filled the night, courtesy of two truly dangerous individuals.

"Jesus Christ," Sadler breathed.

"That's why you don't mess with Australians, bud."

"You two need to get moving. It's not going to be long before you've got police there. Power's offline thanks to Weingart, so the whole compound should be open."

The Black Wolf break-in had not been too easy to organize. Drew Lundin, who was currently assisting the team over comms, had used a contact within the organization to gather intel and shut down the compound. Bennett had lucked out with Collins and Royce, who were always up with causing mayhem, completely unconcerned with their own safety and the safety of others, and who'd been completely fed up with following orders from "some British Cunt." Finally, Sadler had joined to avenge the death of a mutual friend--Sarah Schultz.

Bennett and Sadler moved across the grounds, past the inner fence, and into the building.

"Stairs should be on the immediate left. Take them to the top floor."


Guards had taken up position on the stairs, but Bennett and Sadler cut through them easily enough. They hadn't been given time to prepare.

"Top floor has a security door, thick, but no power means no lock."

The door in question provided excellent cover for Sadler while Bennett called out targets. They cleared the hallway without a hitch, and started moving toward the office.

"Should be about center, it'll overlook the gate."

"Yeah, that's Ducky all right. Proud motherfucker."

There were a number of charges that Bennett felt Colonel Duxbury, founder and self-proclaimed commander-in-chief of Black Wolf, should answer for. He'd come after Bennett's organization and destroyed his office in Miami. He'd made threats against the friends and families of Bennett's employees, and, according to Sadler, he'd killed Schultz.

Bennett kicked the door in and flung himself back against the wall, but there was no gunfire, or anything to indicate that there was anyone in the office. It wasn't unoccupied, though. Duxbury sat slumped over his desk. Someone had shot him in the back of his head.


"What's going on, guys?"

"Ducky's dead. Someone else got to him."


There was a new voice on the channel. Bennett hadn't been expecting it, but he tightened his grip on his rifle.


"Yep. You guys were late to the party, so I figured I'd do the honors."

"Where are you?"

"Outbound, boys. The place is crawling with feds, otherwise I'd have stuck around and dealt with you, too."


"It was easy, you know. Setting the "colonel" on you and your crew. You made it easy, leaving Black Wolf. He ate up every word against you."

Sadler tensed.


"Well, money's a good motivator, and... it was fun. Sadler... I know how close you were to Schultz. It's a shame she had to die, she was a good woman. Died like a bitch, though."


Bennett grabbed Sadler by the arm.

"Drew, radio's compromised. Exit strategy."

"On it."

Hannibal's laughter was the last thing Bennett heard before ditching his radio. He and Sadler left the late Colonel Duxbury and headed for the roof. Sure enough, the chaos at the gate had subsided, and the feds were closing in. A helicopter approached from the southeast, searchlight swinging back and forth. Sadler cursed.

"Don't worry."

The helicopter flew over them, then swung around and began to descend. Bennett could make out the shapes of armed and armored men.

"We're fucking done, aren't we?"

But you weren't, were you?

Drew's got connections everywhere. Don't know how he does it. Wish I knew where he was.

I guess we can strike him off the list, too.


And Sadler?

Haven't seen him, either.


If I knew where he was, he'd be KIA for sure.

Well, that's that, I suppose. Get some rest, Mr. Bennett. We're going to do more of this tomorrow.

Wait, what?

Good night.



July 7th, 2016, 10:13 PM
Hey Dubs! (I hope it's okay that I call you that!)

I found the piece interesting but I also found it hard to get a handle on what exactly was happening. I like the dynamic action, which I felt was well done, but if you would ask me what exactly happened here I wouldn't be able to tell you. Now, this could just be me having an off day but it might be something that is worth looking into. Your dialogue is ripe and your style is good, I just think you perhaps need to breakdown the scene by scene action a little more and make it more direct for the viewer to understand.

Just my two cents! Great to see you back posting stuff on here! Write on! : D