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Rmand
June 29th, 2016, 09:23 PM
Hey, this is the story I´ve come up with on this past few days, sorry if it is kinda long but I got really inspired on this, any critiques welcome, I´d like to know if there is somethiing bad on it, actually this is the first thing I have ever written so I don´t really know if it´s good or bad, I want to know your opinion :D.

Prologue.
The days of the autumn festival were just finishing with the reddish leaf falling from the great tree in the center of the park, giving birth to a new season in the beautiful kingdom of Reigno, with the great red sun almost being hidden by the immense ocean in front of the south side of the city where all you could see were the dolphins jumping around on the water with the most delightful music playing on the background of that scene, with all the sea eagles flying on the reddish sky where all the stars started to appear as the sun was getting farther and farther, in the end, as there was nothing but darkness but the light of the stars, the moon emerged slowly behind the great castle of the royal family giving light to all the city.

But it was different, it was a special one like the one you can only see once a year, it was blue, there were no words to describe the majestic moon, it was enormous, and it was of a blue color because it was the first one of the new season which marked the beginning of the winter and it meant prosperity and peace on the kingdom after the predictions of the astrologers and sorcerers of the town, as the legends marked, it has been like this since the beginning of the golden era, and only appearing on the great capital of the kingdom of Reigno in which means that it has many to believe that it was were the elder gods first stood when they created the land of the four kingdom, but the bluish colors meant that the guardians, the ones the elders left to protect the realms, were looking at us and telling us that this year, the farmers will have great crops all along the spring, a great and vast number of animals for the hunters of the area, fishes for the entire year on our great blue ocean in front of the city, and great winds bringing peace to the kingdom.

I was sitting on the bench in front of the fountain in the center of the plaza while watching kids playing around with their wooden swords and bows made out of branches and strings they found around the park in the east of the city, it really reminds me of my childhood while training with my father, who is resting in peace with my mother, and Fleck, a friend of mine my father found on his travels, Fleck had nothing more than his clothes and three silver coins which earned working at a factory and barely managed to eat, my father felt sorry for that little boy of six years old with nothing more than some pants and a pair of boots, in that moment my father brought him home, we all lived on a farm in the far regions of the kingdom of Reigno, in an area not very known and with very few citizens, but we were very happy and we were in peace until I my father left the farm for mysterious reasons me and Fleck had to carry the farm in our shoulders, even though I am one year older than Fleck, we had the same amount of responsibilities on the farm.

We lived like this in almost six years until I turned eighteen and I was called to left the farm, my home and my family to become a royal knight serving for the king, as the rules stated, the father must go to serve the king when the king made the call, but the call was made just a few months after my father left, then I had to take his place at the age of eighteen, leaving Fleck in charge of the farm, since that day I had a great and deep hate towards my father, because I always think that he left so he didn’t had to go to the service of the king.

But he was one of the wisest persons I have ever seen and I learned everything from him, to prepare me if he left or died someday, I remember the most important lesson I could learn from a wise man like him.

“…sir?” a little girl pulled from my jacket “would you please help me” she said with a very innocent voice and she looked very shy holding her hands on her back while looking at the floor.

“What is it?” I asked and she replied.

“Those kids stole my charm, I was going to give it to my grandma because she is very sick and I heard this kind of charms had magical properties that could help people, please sir, could you get it back for me please please please…” she said very nervously and pointed at a little group of kids that were near the fountain.

I had no time for this…this childish things, but the look on her face, she made me remember of my sister that was at home, I couldn´t say no, I sighed silently and breathe deeply through my nose and at the moment I exhaled, then I said with a cheerful voice while I stood up from the bench “I´ll get it don´t worry” as I saw the clock tower “I think I have enough time for that.”

“Oh thank you sir” she replied.

“Kid, I´m not a sir, I like to be called by my name which is Arco” I always hate when kids around call me sir, I´m no sir, I may be a member of the royal knight and soldier loyal to the king, but I never liked people to refer to me as sir neither as knight or soldier but as my name, so I started to walk towards those kids that she pointed at.

On the way she told me “ok Arco, my name is Nina, nice to meet you”, she said very happy and turned her sad face into a face full of hope and smiled at me while playing with her long red hair, at least she has modals I thought to myself.

When I saw that little group of kids I couldn´t say they were five kids but they were around thirteen or fifteen years old top, and this Nina was about eight, I couldn´t support the attitude of this little gang of theirs, making a little girl suffer just for some charm, I stopped walking and stood in front of the group “Hey kids…are you messing with this little girl?” I asked as Nina was hiding behind me, she looked too scared to face them so I didn´t said anything to her to show up because I knew that feeling since I was her age and the way I was treated when I was a kid in my home town and all that fear that surrounds your entire body at the point that you can´t say anything.

“Could you be so kind of give it back” I said but they were just looking at me and then turned their sight towards Nina and they started to tease her.

They had the evil look of a snake stalking their prey, “You had to tell this guy to be your bodyguard huh? – Yeah…go cry with your royal guard oh your great majesty – Tell your stupid friend to leave this place before we hurt him a lot” I turned my face at Nina and she looked way too scared, she was almost pale and then a tear dropped off her cheek and saw all the fear on her face.

Then I got distracted by the enormous clock on the watch tower, “Listen kids I have no time for this, I have a very special meeting in five minutes and must go so I´m going to do this quickly” I said as I started to walk towards them.

“DON´T YOU EVEN THINK ON GETTING CLOSE TO US, YOU OLD CREEP” one of them shout as the kids step back.

“Hand it over then” I replied with a deep voice and anger “this isn´t funny”, they started to stare at me ”give back what?, we stole a lot of things” as they all started to laugh “oh!...you mean this?” as one of them took out white heart charm from his bag.

Nina pointed at the kid and then pulled from my jacket as she whispered “that is the charm, the one they stole from me!”, I was thinking to myself (that´s her charm?, it´s a white hearth charm, a very powerful one, what was she doing with such a rare item, and more important, where did she got one?, I have never seen one in physical ), and suddenly they all looked very confident on themselves “heh…you really want it that badly?”, they said with a sneering voice – “could you keep up old man”,

(Old man?) I thought to myself, I am just twenty five years (they really don´t know what they just got, if they did they would´ve sell it by now, well that´s what I would´ve done), and they do have enough courage to try to challenge me.

The one with the charm turned back and started to run but as he started to look back he collided and fell to the ground…”WHAT?...HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE” he yelled amazed because I was right in front of him, my training on my academy days gave me a velocity like no one others, you could say I almost teleported in front of him, he was paralyzed, then I put my foot right in his chest while he was still on the ground.

”Give…it…back!” I said angrily.

“Give back what?” he said almost laughing and coughed as he launched the flowers to the other kids “I have nothing on me”, I was sick of this kids, they were nothing more than pests covering the entire city with their stupid misbehavior, I was told to be a gentleman by my father, and I can´t tolerate this child´s play, I grabbed him from his shirt and pushed him against the tree.

“Does this looks funny to you?” I shout to him, he couldn´t stop yelling me to let him go, “Look man, I don´t want to hurt you so I recommend you to let me go this instant, OR ELSE…”

But then I interrupted him saying, “Listen kid, I´m used to hunt down my enemies, to teach a lesson to the thieves, but I would never hurt kids like you…but you all are not kids though…you are nothing but thieves”, so I punched him right below his ribs and he ran out of air, he couldn´t even talk or move, when I let him go he dropped to the ground and stayed quiet grunting silently.

“YOU JUST KILLED KENZO…” the rest of the kids yelled at me…like if they started to be afraid, even Nina looked shocked.

“So…can you kids hand it back now?” I asked on a very peaceful voice, but three of them ran away and yelling “LET´S GET OUT OF HERE, HE´LL KILL US ALL!”.

Nina was paralyzed and the kid that was holding her charm as well but Nina was shocked, this kid was sweeting and his face turned blue, he seemed like if he had seen a monster, but he had, My name is infamous along the kingdom, then I started to walk towards him “now I won´t hurt you, just give it to Nina and I want you to apologize to her for stealing her charm” I told him with a deep and calm voice, I had enough of him, so he very nervously didn´t said anything, he was paralyzed, he could barely move but when I approached enough to him.

He said “stay away from me!...I´ll do it” and he walked slowly to Nina, but she was pale, I was starting to wonder if she even could listen to us, “here” the kid dropped the charm near Nina and kept walking, and Nina was there still paralyzed by fear without saying a word, but everything is ok now, and done just in time for me to…

But what is this!, as he was walking he grabbed Nina, pulled out a knife and put it around her neck, “now listen man!...I´ll take this charm with me, I always win so stay away and I won´t slice her neck, d...don´t bother me ever again…UNDERSTOOD!”, he yelled with a confident but at the same time scared face, this time everyone around was listening and started to look at us, “I said if you understood, you stupid old man!”, he never stopped yelling, “If you get close it’s the end for her.”

I had to act fast, but what is this, I looked at the clock tower, and there I saw it, there is no time for reasoning with this rat, I had to leave immediately, the time has come, I said “look at the time, it is awfully late, I have to leave” as I took my bow from my back.

“What are you planning to do!” said the kid with fear and hesitation in his voice and his eyes wide open “you know you have no chance on hitting me you know?” because he was hiding behind Nina like a coward.

I draw an arrow and put it on my bow as I pulled the string pointing at them, “YOU ARE INSANE!” yelled the kid, “YOU´LL HIT HER FIRST”, and at the moment I released the string with the arrow on it, it went directly towards the piercing in form of a ring on the ear of that kid and pulled him away separating them, he screamed in pain as the power and velocity of the arrow pulled out the piercing with parts of his ear “HELL, MY EAR!” he yelled at me uncontrollably as he stepped back and collapsed to the ground crying in pain, but I didn´t care for his condition or how he felt, he was nothing more and nothing else than a rat.

I grabbed Nina´s charm and kneeled before her, “here…I got it” as I put the charm on her hands, she was still paralyzed of fear, “there is nothing to be afraid” I told her in a peaceful voice “I won´t hurt you.”

She stared at me “Thank…you”, but then I got near her ear and I whispered her “Don´t hesitate, when the time comes, just Act!” I told her because those where the words my father told me before leaving the house with me, my mother, my sister, and my step-brother, leaving us by our own, “Be brave and never let anyone else make you feel unsafe” in which she replied by just tilting her head, and then I stood up, “now go home and give that charm to your grandmother” I told her with a cheerful voice, and then she ran to her home with her hands with the charm on her chest.

After that, everyone was watching me with fear and confusion because I was wearing my soldier´s jacket and everyone know that soldiers are not allowed to use brutal force over citizens, even less on kids, but you know?, I don´t care, I´m sure they won´t steal again and learned to pick up someone of their own size.

At the moment I started to move a smith man of short height and long white beard approached to me “who do you think you are shooting at kids, I´ll personally will make sure justice is made over you” he yelled at me but then something weird happened, the moon that was above us stopped glowing a blue aura and completely disappeared, everyone looked worried asking what was going on?, this event has never occurred before.

After a few seconds it started glowing again but this couldn´t be possible, how could this happen, for the first time in almost one hundred years it happened, the moon was glowing not blue, but red and its color filled the plaza and the town with a great blazing red fire color, “he has caused this” the old smith yelled, and everyone started to yell me the same thing and as a few of them told everyone to catch me and to be executed, to calm the guardians anger.

So I replied to all that yelling and the crowd that was being formed in front of me, “Well now I´m late, I hope you have a lovely afternoon everyone!”, and then I ran towards the alley, of course the smith man and the rest of the crowd started chasing me but I climbed up to the roofs and they stopped because the building was at least 6 feet tall, thanks to my abilities and training I had at the knight´s members helped me and I made it to the top, so I was hanging on the edge of the roof looking at everyone yelling and being mad at me.

I just waved my hand at everyone but someone touched my hand that was hanging on the wall, and there I saw her, my partner in the mission that was given to us, and one of my best friends since we entered the academy, her name is Celeste, she has been my partner in so many missions that I missed counting, we knew each other perfectly, and we are the perfect team up for everything, with her brain and my strength, we were unstoppable, “late again, I see”, she said laughing at me while she brushed her short blue hair and stretched her hand to help me up.

“Well at least I arrived” I respond grabbing her hand and so I got up and started to walk with her on the roof “not like Dargo” another close friend of mine but not as close as celeste, he is a newcomer and was assigned to our team, but he managed to make us like him as our own little brother.

“So you saw my little signal on the clock tower.”

“Yeah, I´m sorry I didn´t arrive on time, I had to do something first”, the red arrow on above the enormous clock, it was the signal for me and Dargo to leave, the one I saw when the kid was threatening me.

“So what do you think” she asked me.

“What?” I said confused, “the red moon.”

“Oh that, I don´t know, It´s ok I guess, it brings a new color to this place, I actually like it.”

“Do you even know what it means?” she asked me but I stood there confused because of my lack of knowledge on this fairy tales, “it means anger, the guardians are angry right now.”

“So? I don´t see too much of a deal, they can be angry as much as they want, I´m not afraid of them.”

“If you say so, I guess you remember they can wipe out all the land if they wish.”

“I don´t believe in those fairy tales, but I hope you don´t think I caused all this mess.”

“Not really, they wouldn´t be interested on you, but hey what was all that about” she asked me while she sit on the corner of the building looking at the castle.

I sighed silently through my mouth, “Ugh…nothing, I just showed some kids a lesson of matters.”

“Well, you have an odd way to talk to kids.”

“Oh come on, you know they deserved it, you would’ve done the same” I laughed silently

“By the gods, you are such a kid”, we kept talking and laughing, as we reviewed the plan almost three times and then the time passed.

“Celeste, before we go, I wanted to tell you something” I said nervously.

“What is it?”

“It´s just that… after all this missions and the time we´ve spent as friends”

“What are you trying to say?” she said confused.

“Well, the point is…”, suddenly in that precise moment, the bell on the clock tower rang announcing mid-night and then I sighed loudly, “…well we can´t wait for him any longer, he missed his chance to see the castle” I commented because I wanted to change the topic and turn our minds to the mission.

“That´s too bad, he seemed very excited to visit it.”

“Alright” I said while taking a deep breath “if he is coming, he´ll have to catch up” and then we started to jump from roof to roof towards the castle, and we stopped right in one of the tallest buildings near the castle, she took out a hook shot and shot to the wall next to the closest window.

“Are you ready, or are you scared?...kitty!” Celeste asked me with a sneering voice.

“Kitty? Do you think I´m afraid?”

“You look distracted and I bet you are nervous.”

“It´s not that, It is…that thing from earlier, I want to tell it to you after the mission” there was an awkward silence in that moment.

“Very well then…but for now let´s just go and finish this” she told me very cheerful and then her smile filled me with happiness.

“You are right…let´s move” and so, our mission started.


Well, that´s all I came up with, please leave a comment on your opinion and let me know if there is something wrong with it. Have a great day :D

Firemajic
June 30th, 2016, 02:41 AM
*
Hey, this is the story I´ve come up with on this past few days, sorry if it is kinda long but I got really inspired on this, any critiques welcome, I´d like to know if there is somethiing bad on it, actually this is the first thing I have ever written so I don´t really know if it´s good or bad, I want to know your opinion :D.

Prologue.
The days of the autumn festival were just finishing with the **reddish* you can do better than reddish leaf.. keep your imagery strong... remember, your reader is seeing things through YOUR eyes.. leaf falling from the great tree in the center of the park, giving birth to a new season in the beautiful kingdom of Reigno,** with the great *red*.. sun almost being hidden by the immense ocean in front of the south side of the city where all you could see were the dolphins jumping around on the water with the most delightful music playing on the background of that scene, with all the sea eagles flying on the reddish sky where all the stars started to appear as the sun was getting farther and farther, in the end, as there was nothing but darkness but the light of the stars, the moon emerged slowly behind the great castle of the royal family giving light to all the city.This is one long, run on sentence...

But it was different, it was a special one like the one you can only see once a year, it was blue,*** there were no words to describe the majestic moon,*** it was enormous, and it was of a blue color because it was the first one of the new season which marked the beginning of the winter and it meant prosperity and peace on the kingdom after the predictions of the astrologers and sorcerers of the town, as the legends marked, it has been like this since the beginning of the golden era, and only appearing on the great capital of the kingdom of Reigno in which means that it has many to believe that it was were the elder gods first stood when they created the land of the four kingdom, but the bluish colors meant that the guardians, the ones the elders left to protect the realms, were looking at us and telling us that this year, the farmers will have great crops all along the spring, a great and vast number of animals for the hunters of the area, fishes for the entire year on our great blue ocean in front of the city, and great winds bringing peace to the kingdom. Again, one loooong sentence.. I think you should find a way to describe the color of the moon.. Did it look like polished steel? was it threatening? Then the Great blue ocean... was It restless, smooth, angry, LET ME SEE...

I was sitting on the bench in front of the fountain in the center of the plaza while watching kids playing around with their wooden swords and bows made out of branches and strings they found around the park in the east of the city, ***it really reminds me of my childhood while training with my father, who is resting in peace with my mother, and Fleck, a friend of mine my father found on his travels***This feels like you are meandering..., Fleck had nothing more than his clothes and three silver coins which earned working at a factory and barely managed to eat, my father felt sorry for that little boy of six years old with nothing more than some pants and a pair of boots, in that moment my father brought him home, we all lived on a farm in the far regions of the kingdom of Reigno, in an area not very known and with very few citizens, but we were very happy and we were in peace until I my father left the farm for mysterious reasons me and Fleck had to carry the farm in our shoulders, even though I am one year older than Fleck, we had the same amount of responsibilities on the farm. Another looooooong sentence...

We lived like this in*[for] almost six years until I turned eighteen and I was called to left**leave] the farm, my home and my family to become a royal knight serving for the king, as the rules stated, the father must go to serve the king when the king made the call, but the call was made just a few months after my father left, then I had to take his place at the age of eighteen, leaving Fleck in charge of the farm, since that day I had a great and deep hate towards my father, because I always think that he left so he didn’t had**[have] to go to the service of the king. Another loooong sentence... it make this read like you are breathless..

But**[cut "but'] he was one of the wisest persons I have ever seen and I learned everything from him, to prepare me if he left or died someday, I remember the most important lesson I could learn from a wise man like him.Rework this sentence.. part of it is redundant ..

“…sir?” a little girl pulled from my jacket “would you please help me” she said with a very innocent voice **and** Cut and] she looked very shy holding her hands on her back while looking at the floor.

“What is it?” I asked. * and she replied.*cut

She replied,nervously “Those kids stole my charm, I was going to give it to my grandma because she is very sick and I heard this kind of charms had magical properties that could help people, please sir, could you get it back for me please please please…” **she said very nervously and pointed at a little group of kids that were near the fountain.* cut..

I had no time for this…this childish* things,* thing* but the look on her face, she made me remember* of*cut ]my sister *that was at home,*cut] I couldn´t say no, I sighed silently and breathe deeply through my nose **and at the moment I exhaled, then** cut]***[ I said with a cheerful voice while I stood up from the bench** rework this sentence] “I´ll get it don´t worry” as I saw the clock tower “I think I have enough time for that.”

“Oh thank you sir” she replied.

“Kid, I´m not a sir, I like to be called by my name which is Arco” I always hate when kids around call me sir, I´m no sir, I may be a member of the royal knight and soldier loyal to the king, but I never liked people to refer to me as sir neither as knight or soldier but as my name, so I started to walk towards those kids that she pointed at.

On the way she told me “ok Arco, my name is Nina, nice to meet you”, she said very happy and turned her sad face into a face full of hope and smiled at me while playing with her long red hair, at least she has modals I thought to myself.

When I saw that little group of kids I couldn´t say they were five kids but they were around thirteen or fifteen years old top, and this Nina was about eight, I couldn´t support the attitude of this little gang of theirs, making a little girl suffer just for some charm, I stopped walking and stood in front of the group “Hey kids…are you messing with this little girl?” I asked as Nina was hiding behind me, she looked too scared to face them so I didn´t said anything to her to show up because I knew that feeling since I was her age and the way I was treated when I was a kid in my home town and all that fear that surrounds your entire body at the point that you can´t say anything.

“Could you be so kind of give it back” I said but they were just looking at me and then turned their sight towards Nina and they started to tease her.

They had the evil look of a snake stalking their prey, “You had to tell this guy to be your bodyguard huh? – Yeah…go cry with your royal guard oh your great majesty – Tell your stupid friend to leave this place before we hurt him a lot” I turned my face at Nina and she looked way too scared, she was almost pale and then a tear dropped off her cheek and saw all the fear on her face.

Then I got distracted by the enormous clock on the watch tower, “Listen kids I have no time for this, I have a very special meeting in five minutes and must go so I´m going to do this quickly” I said as I started to walk towards them.

“DON´T YOU EVEN THINK ON GETTING CLOSE TO US, YOU OLD CREEP” one of them shout as the kids step back.

“Hand it over then” I replied with a deep voice and anger “this isn´t funny”, they started to stare at me ”give back what?, we stole a lot of things” as they all started to laugh “oh!...you mean this?” as one of them took out white heart charm from his bag.

Nina pointed at the kid and then pulled from my jacket as she whispered “that is the charm, the one they stole from me!”, I was thinking to myself (that´s her charm?, it´s a white hearth charm, a very powerful one, what was she doing with such a rare item, and more important, where did she got one?, I have never seen one in physical ), and suddenly they all looked very confident on themselves “heh…you really want it that badly?”, they said with a sneering voice – “could you keep up old man”,

(Old man?) I thought to myself, I am just twenty five years (they really don´t know what they just got, if they did they would´ve sell it by now, well that´s what I would´ve done), and they do have enough courage to try to challenge me.

The one with the charm turned back and started to run but as he started to look back he collided and fell to the ground…”WHAT?...HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE” he yelled amazed because I was right in front of him, my training on my academy days gave me a velocity like no one others, you could say I almost teleported in front of him, he was paralyzed, then I put my foot right in his chest while he was still on the ground.

”Give…it…back!” I said angrily.

“Give back what?” he said almost laughing and coughed as he launched the flowers to the other kids “I have nothing on me”, I was sick of this kids, they were nothing more than pests covering the entire city with their stupid misbehavior, I was told to be a gentleman by my father, and I can´t tolerate this child´s play, I grabbed him from his shirt and pushed him against the tree.

“Does this looks funny to you?” I shout to him, he couldn´t stop yelling me to let him go, “Look man, I don´t want to hurt you so I recommend you to let me go this instant, OR ELSE…”

But then I interrupted him saying, “Listen kid, I´m used to hunt down my enemies, to teach a lesson to the thieves, but I would never hurt kids like you…but you all are not kids though…you are nothing but thieves”, so I punched him right below his ribs and he ran out of air, he couldn´t even talk or move, when I let him go he dropped to the ground and stayed quiet grunting silently.

“YOU JUST KILLED KENZO…” the rest of the kids yelled at me…like if they started to be afraid, even Nina looked shocked.

“So…can you kids hand it back now?” I asked on a very peaceful voice, but three of them ran away and yelling “LET´S GET OUT OF HERE, HE´LL KILL US ALL!”.

Nina was paralyzed and the kid that was holding her charm as well but Nina was shocked, this kid was sweeting and his face turned blue, he seemed like if he had seen a monster, but he had, My name is infamous along the kingdom, then I started to walk towards him “now I won´t hurt you, just give it to Nina and I want you to apologize to her for stealing her charm” I told him with a deep and calm voice, I had enough of him, so he very nervously didn´t said anything, he was paralyzed, he could barely move but when I approached enough to him.

He said “stay away from me!...I´ll do it” and he walked slowly to Nina, but she was pale, I was starting to wonder if she even could listen to us, “here” the kid dropped the charm near Nina and kept walking, and Nina was there still paralyzed by fear without saying a word, but everything is ok now, and done just in time for me to…

But what is this!, as he was walking he grabbed Nina, pulled out a knife and put it around her neck, “now listen man!...I´ll take this charm with me, I always win so stay away and I won´t slice her neck, d...don´t bother me ever again…UNDERSTOOD!”, he yelled with a confident but at the same time scared face, this time everyone around was listening and started to look at us, “I said if you understood, you stupid old man!”, he never stopped yelling, “If you get close it’s the end for her.”

I had to act fast, but what is this, I looked at the clock tower, and there I saw it, there is no time for reasoning with this rat, I had to leave immediately, the time has come, I said “look at the time, it is awfully late, I have to leave” as I took my bow from my back.

“What are you planning to do!” said the kid with fear and hesitation in his voice and his eyes wide open “you know you have no chance on hitting me you know?” because he was hiding behind Nina like a coward.

I draw an arrow and put it on my bow as I pulled the string pointing at them, “YOU ARE INSANE!” yelled the kid, “YOU´LL HIT HER FIRST”, and at the moment I released the string with the arrow on it, it went directly towards the piercing in form of a ring on the ear of that kid and pulled him away separating them, he screamed in pain as the power and velocity of the arrow pulled out the piercing with parts of his ear “HELL, MY EAR!” he yelled at me uncontrollably as he stepped back and collapsed to the ground crying in pain, but I didn´t care for his condition or how he felt, he was nothing more and nothing else than a rat.

I grabbed Nina´s charm and kneeled before her, “here…I got it” as I put the charm on her hands, she was still paralyzed of fear, “there is nothing to be afraid” I told her in a peaceful voice “I won´t hurt you.”

She stared at me “Thank…you”, but then I got near her ear and I whispered her “Don´t hesitate, when the time comes, just Act!” I told her because those where the words my father told me before leaving the house with me, my mother, my sister, and my step-brother, leaving us by our own, “Be brave and never let anyone else make you feel unsafe” in which she replied by just tilting her head, and then I stood up, “now go home and give that charm to your grandmother” I told her with a cheerful voice, and then she ran to her home with her hands with the charm on her chest.

After that, everyone was watching me with fear and confusion because I was wearing my soldier´s jacket and everyone know that soldiers are not allowed to use brutal force over citizens, even less on kids, but you know?, I don´t care, I´m sure they won´t steal again and learned to pick up someone of their own size.

At the moment I started to move a smith man of short height and long white beard approached to me “who do you think you are shooting at kids, I´ll personally will make sure justice is made over you” he yelled at me but then something weird happened, the moon that was above us stopped glowing a blue aura and completely disappeared, everyone looked worried asking what was going on?, this event has never occurred before.

After a few seconds it started glowing again but this couldn´t be possible, how could this happen, for the first time in almost one hundred years it happened, the moon was glowing not blue, but red and its color filled the plaza and the town with a great blazing red fire color, “he has caused this” the old smith yelled, and everyone started to yell me the same thing and as a few of them told everyone to catch me and to be executed, to calm the guardians anger.

So I replied to all that yelling and the crowd that was being formed in front of me, “Well now I´m late, I hope you have a lovely afternoon everyone!”, and then I ran towards the alley, of course the smith man and the rest of the crowd started chasing me but I climbed up to the roofs and they stopped because the building was at least 6 feet tall, thanks to my abilities and training I had at the knight´s members helped me and I made it to the top, so I was hanging on the edge of the roof looking at everyone yelling and being mad at me.

I just waved my hand at everyone but someone touched my hand that was hanging on the wall, and there I saw her, my partner in the mission that was given to us, and one of my best friends since we entered the academy, her name is Celeste, she has been my partner in so many missions that I missed counting, we knew each other perfectly, and we are the perfect team up for everything, with her brain and my strength, we were unstoppable, “late again, I see”, she said laughing at me while she brushed her short blue hair and stretched her hand to help me up.

“Well at least I arrived” I respond grabbing her hand and so I got up and started to walk with her on the roof “not like Dargo” another close friend of mine but not as close as celeste, he is a newcomer and was assigned to our team, but he managed to make us like him as our own little brother.

“So you saw my little signal on the clock tower.”

“Yeah, I´m sorry I didn´t arrive on time, I had to do something first”, the red arrow on above the enormous clock, it was the signal for me and Dargo to leave, the one I saw when the kid was threatening me.

“So what do you think” she asked me.

“What?” I said confused, “the red moon.”

“Oh that, I don´t know, It´s ok I guess, it brings a new color to this place, I actually like it.”

“Do you even know what it means?” she asked me but I stood there confused because of my lack of knowledge on this fairy tales, “it means anger, the guardians are angry right now.”

“So? I don´t see too much of a deal, they can be angry as much as they want, I´m not afraid of them.”

“If you say so, I guess you remember they can wipe out all the land if they wish.”

“I don´t believe in those fairy tales, but I hope you don´t think I caused all this mess.”

“Not really, they wouldn´t be interested on you, but hey what was all that about” she asked me while she sit on the corner of the building looking at the castle.

I sighed silently through my mouth, “Ugh…nothing, I just showed some kids a lesson of matters.”

“Well, you have an odd way to talk to kids.”

“Oh come on, you know they deserved it, you would’ve done the same” I laughed silently

“By the gods, you are such a kid”, we kept talking and laughing, as we reviewed the plan almost three times and then the time passed.

“Celeste, before we go, I wanted to tell you something” I said nervously.

“What is it?”

“It´s just that… after all this missions and the time we´ve spent as friends”

“What are you trying to say?” she said confused.

“Well, the point is…”, suddenly in that precise moment, the bell on the clock tower rang announcing mid-night and then I sighed loudly, “…well we can´t wait for him any longer, he missed his chance to see the castle” I commented because I wanted to change the topic and turn our minds to the mission.

“That´s too bad, he seemed very excited to visit it.”

“Alright” I said while taking a deep breath “if he is coming, he´ll have to catch up” and then we started to jump from roof to roof towards the castle, and we stopped right in one of the tallest buildings near the castle, she took out a hook shot and shot to the wall next to the closest window.

“Are you ready, or are you scared?...kitty!” Celeste asked me with a sneering voice.

“Kitty? Do you think I´m afraid?”

“You look distracted and I bet you are nervous.”

“It´s not that, It is…that thing from earlier, I want to tell it to you after the mission” there was an awkward silence in that moment.

“Very well then…but for now let´s just go and finish this” she told me very cheerful and then her smile filled me with happiness.

“You are right…let´s move” and so, our mission started.


Well, that´s all I came up with, please leave a comment on your opinion and let me know if there is something wrong with it. Have a great day :D


Hello Rmand, I have given you a few examples of things to be aware of, I hope this helps... For me, this story lacked drama and seemed to move slow, bogged down with a lot of details that did not provide imagery or excitement... parts of it was charming... Thank you for sharing... welcome to WF...

Rmand
June 30th, 2016, 04:32 AM
Thank you so much for your advice, this will help me a lot on what I´m doing next :)

Firemajic
June 30th, 2016, 11:15 AM
Remember, you as the writer, are taking your reader on a journey. You are the guide, don't lose your reader along the way. I think you are a natural storyteller, but pay attention to sentence structure, spelling and punctuation. Try to stay on track and keep your story moving forward. My hope is that you will be inspired to edit and polish your charming story.

kaminoshiyo
August 7th, 2016, 07:27 PM
The part with the kids was brutal, but I guess ifnhe's old enough to hold a knife to someones neck, he's old enough to lose a piece of ear...

I kind of liked the subtlety in expressing the knights abilities in that the full range only seemed tombe hinted at.

The rest of the story seemed to be more transitory than substantial, though. I'm interested in the Lore of the Elder's also, but younseem tomtreat the significant event of the moonnchanging color as not a very important thing at all. No sense of urgency or dread or anything that makes this seem more than anminor nuisance tomthe main character.

Overall, I think the best part was with the kids. You have a knack for action sequences. But you gotta work on the other things too.

QuentinJW
August 20th, 2016, 11:27 PM
It's decent, but it's basically all run-on sentences. Honestly, if you want to be a writer, the NUMBER ONE THING TO DO is learn great grammar- that includes knowing when to end one sentence and begin another. In addition, you have a good plot going. However, there's something to remember- think of yourself as a god. This is your world, your creation. You want it to be as beautiful as possible. The inhabitants of your world should be well-developed. You are taking the reader on a tour of your creation. Don't just tell us about the place you're thinking of- SHOW US. Let us feel, truly feel, the words you're saying. Good Luck :)