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rickyknight1
June 28th, 2016, 11:52 PM
The dessert with its sandstorms is a harsh place, and my brother and I had been traveling through it for sometime. We were wanted fugitives- ronins. We were running from our clan the Kazuna family, they saw us as rebels.
We were being viewed with a pair of indignant eyes because of my refusal to obey an order, and my actions were only redeemable by my death.

But, I had no intentions of dieying, especially for something I didn't agree with. My eldest brother kim agreed, and so he followed me when I made my escape. As we continued walking, I suddenly heard a large thud!
I looked and saw kim crouching on one knee, and about to fade.
"Hatsu, I can't keep this up - im exhausted!"
To which I replied, "we only have a few more miles, then we'll reach the shore.
They can't follow us through the border." While breathing heavily and looking unpleased he said, "You go on, I'll hold them off."
"No im not leaving you."

This predicament started last night, the order my master gave was simple. A spy who was working for us, told us that- a princess daughter of a rival clan was going to be traveling through the area in the morning. On a scheduled business trip.
Our jobs were to invade them while en route, then execute everyone, my one and only fatal mistake is that- I was seeing a woman named Amelia. So I was leading a double life because, our love was a secret.
Its a forbidden act to marry an outsider, something else that is also punishable by death.
So I snuck away to go see her on that same night and I remember everything in vivid detail; her face was the equivalent of quenching a man's thirst on a hot day. Her lips were like that of a rose petal, so soft and gentle swaying about in the wind.

I gave her an awful stare because, my heart was heavy laden with the burdens that were stressed on it.
Amelia had become my steady hand a solid rock for me to grab but, that night was different.
I couldn't tell her anything at all about what I was feeling or going through.
"What is it my love?" She asked. "Why are you staring at me with those eyes?"
I can still hear her voice like a constant ringing in my ears, and I will never forget the look that she gave me. But, how was I suppose to tell her that im supposse to kill her? And that I was just assigned to ambush her cargo during her business trip in the morning?

I couldn't tell her anything, so I ran. I took my brother with me and we escaped from the manor. They hunted us all night and finally caught up with us by the ocean. We were outnumbered 2 to 100, my master was a very thorough man.

He stepped out of his chariot and greeted us."Hatsu I've always been aware of your relationship with the princess.
This raid was an opportunity for you to prove your loyalty.
You betrayed us. And you kim, I expected better from you. But, instead you choose to join him, his condemnation will serve the both of you."

It's funny when I think about it now but, the ocean which was suppose to be our way of escape- seemed so close but, in reality it couldn't have been farther away.
The 100 samurais formed a giant wall around us preventing any escape.
My brother and I leaned up our backs together as we were prepared to fight. They say it's a glorious thing when a warrior dies in battle, a great death! But, me knowing my brother, and him knowing me, I knew that we had no such intentions.

rickyknight1
June 28th, 2016, 11:53 PM
You can use the music to help you read along :)

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Rmand
June 29th, 2016, 12:34 AM
Hey I liked the story and how it ended, but for me, it was told too fast and there was not much information of the scenario which confused me making me to have to read it twice, and there were some grammar mistakes which are not that much of a problem but it's just something to be fixed, and they were very few so it's not that big of a deal, I think those were the only problems in here, the rest it seemed great to me, nice work I liked it, keep on the good work ;)

rickyknight1
June 29th, 2016, 01:09 AM
Hey I liked the story and how it ended, but for me, it was told too fast and there was not much information of the scenario which confused me making me to have to read it twice, and there were some grammar mistakes which are not that much of a problem but it's just something to be fixed, and they were very few so it's not that big of a deal, I think those were the only problems in here, the rest it seemed great to me, nice work I liked it, keep on the good work ;)
Yes, im still new to writing. I just recently choose to major in creative writing, so im still lacking in experience. So if you don't mind, can you please point out my grammar iusses ? :)

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Rmand
June 29th, 2016, 01:28 AM
Sure man, and let me tell you, it's good and I think I exacherated because I only saw one, but it seems that I was wrong because I thought "en route" was in autocorrect when you wanted to mean in route or something, but then I searched and discovered that actually it also applies, so you are ok after all, my bad ��, Everything else it's ok, also thanks for the song attached, it actually inspired me to read the story, very good work :)

rickyknight1
June 29th, 2016, 01:34 AM
Lol ohhh, ok. Yes im also able to speak french. So I must have just thrown that in there without even thinking haha


And thank you about the song. It's usually a good method for inspiration

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kaminoshiyo
August 7th, 2016, 06:49 PM
Not bad. The story might need a little tightening up as far as wording, but it was good. The pacing was pretty brisk. Not a bad thing, but it seems that in the beginning you hint at the encounter they had with the hundred samurai and in the end you decline to actually detail it. I'm curious about how they escaped...

Overall, I liked it, but the read felt like a rough draft and needs some work.

R.H. Smith
October 27th, 2016, 06:54 PM
I love anything with samurais. You got my attention.
We were running from our clan the Kazuna family, they saw us as rebels. Not sure, but shouldn't it read: We were running from our clan the Kazuna famiily; they saw us as rebels? Just some nitpicking as everything helps to make us better writers. :) I also agree with Rmand and Kaminoshiyo in that the pace was faster than what it should have been. When I think Samurai, i think precise and fluid. The pace was very brisk. Other than that, I would love to know more of what happens to the brothers.

rickyknight1
October 27th, 2016, 07:13 PM
I love anything with samurais. You got my attention. Not sure, but shouldn't it read: We were running from our clan the Kazuna famiily; they saw us as rebels? Just some nitpicking as everything helps to make us better writers. :) I also agree with Rmand and Kaminoshiyo in that the pace was faster than what it should have been. When I think Samurai, i think precise and fluid. The pace was very brisk. Other than that, I would love to know more of what happens to the brothers.[/COLOR]
Thank you man, and the turth is Im from a different country--so my vocabulary is a little backwards. But I am improving, and thanks for the help.