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Mermaid
June 26th, 2016, 01:50 AM
This is a short that I am writing for a back story to a RP I am in. Would love to have a constructive critique. Grammar is my weak spot so if you see and grammar stuff please point it out for me? Thank you for the reviews!

He could feel the scorching sensation of fire ravage his veins. Unable to scream, unable to cry. His mind, tortured by the Adrenalin that kept him alive.

who are you?

The fire consumed him, melted his flesh, charred his bones. It was testing him. coughing and gagging from the smoke that choked him. An invisible hand of fire wrapped around his throat with a tightening grip, mocking him.
Fight it! You must fight it! Do not give in to the fire, do not let it consume you! The voice was unfamiliar. Now, tell me, who are you?!

The sinister laughter of voices echoed throughout his ears. his eyes gouged out, blind to light. healing only to become blind once more.

Fight.

"no."

Fight!

"NO!"

Tell me your name!

"I don't know."

What is your name?!

"I DON'T KNOW!!"

WHAT IS OUR NAME?!

"AURON!"

Auron remembers only the pain suffered in gaining his powers. He remembers the echo of his voice overpowering the endless screams of pain from others. The endless screaming, scorched into Aurons memory. The fire was not born in Auron's veins. The fire was not given to him as a gift. You must conquer the fire that burns at the bottom of the pit. A heat that scorches, a heat that burns, a heat that destroys more than just your bones. The fire will not yield to weakness. Auron was unconquerable. Auron's will kept him from the burning flame. A conqueror, he feels the flames of damnation swirling in his veins, bending them to his will. He will no longer burn. His blood boiled, his skin charred, his body no longer broken. A powerful Auron rises from the depths of the pit. Leading a hoard of warriors behind him, ready to kill, ready to destroy, ready to fight. This pleased the fire, for behind Auron were hundreds of his brothers. Men whose will, whose rage, was stronger than the fire.

Auron lifted his arm up, the broken flesh now healing. Bending the fire by his will, Auron leads his brothers to battle. The hoard begin attacking the monsters who laid in wait. A fierce battle brought to the empty plains that surrounded the pit. he leads the attack on hell's creatures of death. He fights along side his comrades, he and his brethren who were born of fire.

Auron's name became a battle cry, his name became their solace, their hope. But, hope is weak. The fire that resides in Auron knows this and chuckles at the foolishness of hope.The monsters from hell are immortal. Their purpose of creation is to test those born of fire. Life after life vanished from the battle field. Aurons screams of agony, his voice unheard, as he watches his comrades die, one by one. The guilt began to swallow him as he held the blame to his chest.

You are weak! The flame spoke in whispers.

You conquered me to survive, and now you cry for the loss of the worthless. They were WEAK! YOU, YOU are weak! How dare you use me as your weapon! I will drag you back to the depths of the fire, you disgrace!

This fire was furious. Angered that such a compassionate soul could conquer the flames of hatred and fury.

You will fight, or I will kill you where you stand, and drag your soul to the pit.

Auron, down and desperate began to tremble in fury from the words that whispered inside him. His brothers were dead. Their faces now forever etched into Auron's memory.He screams a last battle cry, his rugged voice piercing the darkness of hell. His cries a warning, a warning of death.

"I am Auron!"

lvcabbie
June 26th, 2016, 07:35 PM
This is an interesting concept but this paragraph illustrates what I see to be a major problem.

Auron lifted his arm up, the broken flesh now healing. Bending the fire by his will, Auron leads his brothers to battle. The hoard begin attacking the monsters who laid in wait. A fierce battle brought to the empty plains that surrounded the pit. he leads the attack on hell's creatures of death. He fights along side his comrades, he and his brethren who were born of fire.

Make it either past or present. You can't do both.

Bard_Daniel
June 28th, 2016, 06:38 PM
I don't really understand where you were going with this. I guess without the context of the RP in progress that you're working on it becomes a moot point. Hm.

Ivcabbie is right, you need to decide on your tense. You cannot do both. There are also a lot of formatting, capitalization and spelling errors. I would recommend combing over your piece, and any other future pieces, very carefully as you are less likely to get people to look at it. You should be able, if you focus, to see the errors.

Good luck in your writing endeavors!

Mermaid
June 28th, 2016, 06:41 PM
It's supposed to be a dream that one of my characters has. I'm trying to keep it vague, but I see my errors. Thanks y'all!

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Bluuee
July 2nd, 2016, 07:18 PM
That was a pretty cool reading! Reminded me a little of Lord of the Rings (the first movie, i think), where they tell the story of Sauron



I don't really understand where you were going with this. I guess without the context of the RP in progress that you're working on it becomes a moot point. Hm.

I think that this is nice, in fact. You can see that there's a story there, but don't quite understand... That mistery and lack of information made me think of what's happening, who is Auron, what kind of world does he live in... Maybe that vagueness is what gives this story a nice tone.