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rickyknight1
June 22nd, 2016, 11:01 PM
Part 1

I remember sounds of him gagging, I remember his eyes growing dull and listless; his life must have been flashing right before him.
The funny thing is- when you're killing a man, it can become kind of intimate.

In their last moments, you get to see them like no one before. I remember him jerking around trying to break free, I managed to pin him down; until he became cold and lifeless.

Albert Willfred was his name. He murdered and butchered an eight-year-old girl. My actions were the right hand of God, an eye for an eye as the saying goes.

rickyknight1
June 22nd, 2016, 11:14 PM
Part 2

I remember hearing about his strange case for the first time on my t.v. I was sitting in my living room, on my dirty old couch. The late evening sun was setting in, and its red reflection glared right through my window, shinning a big fading light in my one bedroom apartment.

"Its sad to say this Mike but, today Albert Willfred is walking free from this trial, due to lack of evidence."
"That is terrible news indeed Sherline, and I'm sure this is going to break hearts everywhere.
Al though there were several eyewitnesses during the kidnapping of this poor little girl, unfortunately- they were unable to come up with enough evidence to condemn this man."
"Yes Mike, its a sad day in America, when knowing that Albert Willfred is going to walk free."

Bard_Daniel
June 22nd, 2016, 11:15 PM
Part 1

I remember the awful sounds of him gagging. I remember watching his eyes starting to grow dull and listless, His life must have been flashing right before him.
The funny thing is, when you're killing a man, it can become kind of intimate. In their last moments, you get to see them like no one before.
I remember him jerking his body around, trying to break free. I managed to overcome him, and pinpinning him down, until he became cold and lifeless. Albert Willfred was his name.

He murdered and butchered an eight-year-old girl. My actions were the right hand of God, an eye for an eye as the saying goes.

This is interesting but I offered you a few suggestions about how you can tighten the prose up a little bit. All in all though, you definitely drag the reader in with your content-- albeit if it is dark.

Just my two cents! Write on!

rickyknight1
June 22nd, 2016, 11:24 PM
This is interesting but I offered you a few suggestions about how you can tighten the prose up a little bit. All in all though, you definitely drag the reader in with your content-- albeit if it is dark.

Just my two cents! Write on!
Yes its more of a short story then prose but thank you! 😀

AtleanWordsmith
June 24th, 2016, 01:28 AM
Prose is just another term for narrative writing, haha.

The writing feels kind of stiff to me. I can see a few places where you'd benefit from combining sentences or changing up the punctuation so that things flow a bit better.



I remember the awful sounds of him gagging. I remember watching his eyes starting to grow dull and listless, his life must have been flashing right before him.
I remember the awful gagging, the way his eyes grew dull and listless. His life must have been flashing before him. I remember the way his body jerked as he fought to break free, but I managed to overpower him, pin him down until he was gone. It's funny how killing someone can become kind of intimate. In those last minutes, you can see them as no one ever has.

Et cetera, et cetera.

As for conversation, remember that people don't usually talk too formally. To be fair, your only dialogue so far is from newspeople, but when you've got characters talking to one another, you're going to want things to sound more casual... well, depending on the situation, I guess.

You seem like you've got a good thing going, and I recommend that you write out a bit more, then post it back up here for us. Right now, you're only giving us tiny glimpses--I think everyone, including you, will benefit more from seeing, well, more.

Keep it up, though. Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this.

rickyknight1
June 24th, 2016, 01:35 AM
Lol, yes i tend to realease my work in pieces, like a mini series

rickyknight1
June 24th, 2016, 01:37 AM
Prose is just another term for narrative writing, haha.

The writing feels kind of stiff to me. I can see a few places where you'd benefit from combining sentences or changing up the punctuation so that things flow a bit better.


I remember the awful gagging, the way his eyes grew dull and listless. His life must have been flashing before him. I remember the way his body jerked as he fought to break free, but I managed to overpower him, pin him down until he was gone. It's funny how killing someone can become kind of intimate. In those last minutes, you can see them as no one ever has.

Et cetera, et cetera.

As for conversation, remember that people don't usually talk too formally. To be fair, your only dialogue so far is from newspeople, but when you've got characters talking to one another, you're going to want things to sound more casual... well, depending on the situation, I guess.

You seem like you've got a good thing going, and I recommend that you write out a bit more, then post it back up here for us. Right now, you're only giving us tiny glimpses--I think everyone, including you, will benefit more from seeing, well, more.

Keep it up, though. Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this.
Lol yes i tend to release my work in pieces, like a mini series

AtleanWordsmith
June 24th, 2016, 01:47 AM
Gotcha. Think of it as a TV show, you're going to want to release a satisfying amount of content for your audience. The average length of an episode for most shows tends to be thirty minutes to an hour (after commercial breaks, which you won't have to worry about), and each episode tends to either tell a complete story or, at least, set up the next episode. You're not going to want to release the entire story, of course, but you're also going to want to release more than a few sentences at a time.

I recommend that you take your time with each release, shine it up and perfect it so that you and your audience get the most out of it.

rickyknight1
June 24th, 2016, 02:07 AM
Yes I'm more of a poet. But i want to practice more fiction because im required to by my school. Im not use to writing anything over a page long but, with enough practice i Will get there lol

Jay Greenstein
June 24th, 2016, 02:09 AM
Part 1

I remember the awful sounds of him gagging. I remember watching his eyes starting to grow dull and listless, his life must have been flashing right before him.
The funny thing is, when you're killing a man, it can become kind of intimate. In their last moments, you get to see them like no one before.
I remember him jerking his body around, trying to break free. I managed to overcome him, and pin him down, until he became cold and lifeless. Albert Willfred was his name.
He murdered and butchered an eight year old girl. My actions were the right hand of God, an eye for an eye as the saying goes.

This isn't as story, it's a report. Story doesn't lie in the details of what happened, that's history. To understand what I mean have your computer read it to you, and you'll hear the problem: only you can hear the emotion in the narrator's voice. Only you know what you're talking about.

To the reader, a voice devoid of emotion, that belongs to someone we know nothing about, is talking about about killing someone we know nothing about. Appending a supposed reason for the death, after the fact, cannot retroactively remove the lack of context and emotion the reader felt as they read the words of that unknown narrator.

Readers are seeking an emotional, not an informational experience, because they want to be entertained.

The short version: you need to get offstage and into the prompter's booth, to show, not tell.

rickyknight1
June 24th, 2016, 02:25 AM
Part 3

I remember the way my chains echoed through the empty, dark hallways, as the prison guards walked me to the execution chamber. They said that I was a crime against humanity, a serial killer, but don't they know?

I was chosen by God, hand picked by a holy finger. I punish those who are wicked, I destroy the evil sinners, and Albert Willfred's crime was unforgivable.
He was a sinner of the worst kind, he was a rapist.

I remember staring at an old man, his face was written with age, his voice was raspy but firm.
What kinds of iniquities were drowning at his bedside, I wondered.
He was wearing something like a black robe, with a golden rosary dangling around his neck.

Catholic, I presumed. He kept insisting on reading me the bible, before I was put to death that is, but what does he know about the holy father or my mission?

rickyknight1
June 24th, 2016, 02:29 AM
This isn't as story, it's a report. Story doesn't lie in the details of what happened, that's history. To understand what I mean have your computer read it to you, and you'll hear the problem: only you can hear the emotion in the narrator's voice. Only you know what you're talking about.

To the reader, a voice devoid of emotion, that belongs to someone we know nothing about, is talking about about killing someone we know nothing about. Appending a supposed reason for the death, after the fact, cannot retroactively remove the lack of context and emotion the reader felt as they read the words of that unknown narrator.

Readers are seeking an emotional, not an informational experience, because they want to be entertained.

The short version: you need to get offstage and into the prompter's booth, to show, not tell.
Honestly, my style is influenced by the creative memoirs that ive read. That's why I'm writing in that fashion

rickyknight1
June 26th, 2016, 12:42 AM
Part 4

I remember sitting in a court room, inside a tiny cubicle up on a mantle, while I was facing a prosecutor.
"Did you murder Albert Willfred?" He asked me.
The prosecutor was a shrewd man, my actions were- a retribution for a wicked crime but, sadly- history will not remember it that way.

"He wasn't bringing us justice, he wasn't doing us a favor. You are a criminal." He wanted everyone to believe that I was the enemy, but what does he know about the holy father or my mission?

I am vengeance, and I punish those who are wicked and evil. My lawer stepped in, "What happened to forgiveness, or do we execute everyone who is less than sane?"
"This man stocked his victim then deliberately killed him.
Less than sane? He's a criminal!"

I remember being bombarded with questions but, I kept replying, "I am on a holy mission."
"You're avoiding my question. On April 11th, did you murder a man named Albert Willfred?"
"I am on a-"
"Just answer the question."
"I MURDERED him!!! He was a sinner and I erased him." My face was hot with flare, and my nostrils were wide open from anger.
"....No furhter questions your honor."

[Back inside the execution room]. I remember staring at that old man, he was yelling something out of the bible, but all I could see were his lips moving with no sound.
In my last breath- I simply whispered, "I will see you all at the judgement."

rickyknight1
June 26th, 2016, 12:42 AM
THE END

20oz
June 27th, 2016, 04:41 PM
Part 1

I remember the awful sounds of him gagging. I remember watching his eyes starting to grow dull and listless, his life must have been flashing right before him.
The funny thing is, when you're killing a man, it can become kind of intimate. In their last moments, you get to see them like no one before.
I remember him jerking his body around, trying to break free. I managed to overcome him, and pin him down, until he became cold and lifeless. Albert Willfred was his name.
He murdered and butchered an eight year old girl. My actions were the right hand of God, an eye for an eye as the saying goes.


Part 2

I remember hearing about his strange case for the first time, on my t.v. I was sitting in my living room, on my dirty old couch. The late evening sun was setting in, and its red reflection glared right through my window, shinning a big fading light on my one bedroom apartment.
"Its sad to say this Mike but, today Albert Willfred is walking free from this trial, due to lack of evidence."
"That is terrible news indeed Sherline, and I'm sure this is going to break hearts everywhere.
Al though there were several eyewitnesses during the kidnapping of this poor little girl, unfortunately they were unable to come up with enough evidence to condemn this man."
"Yes Mike, its a sad day in America, when knowing that Albert Willfred is going to walk free."


Part 3

I remember the way my chains echoed throughout the empty, dark hallways, as the prison guards walked me to the execution chamber. They said that I was a crime against humanity, a serial killer, but don't they know?
I was chosen by God, hand picked by a holy finger. I punish those who are wicked, I destroy the unrighteous sinners, and Albert Willfred's crime was unforgivable. He was a sinner of the worst kind, He was a rapist.
I remember staring at an old man, his face was written with age, his voice was raspy but firm. What kinds of iniquities were drowning at his bedside, I wondered.
He was wearing something like a black robe, with a golden rosary dangling around his neck. Catholic, I presumed. He kept insisting on reading me the bible, before I was put to death that is, but what does he know about the holy father or my mission?


Part 4

I remember sitting in a court room, inside a tiny cubicle up on a mantle, while I was facing a prosecutor.
"Did you murder Albert Willfred?"
He was a shrewd man. My actions were a retribution for a nasty crime, but history will not remember it that way.
"He wasn't bringing us justice, he wasn't doing us a favor. You are a criminal."
He wanted everyone to believe that I was the enemy, but what does he know about the holy father or my mission? I am vengeance, and I punish those who are wicked and evil. My lawer stepped in "What happened to forgiveness, do we execute everyone who is less than sane?"
"This man stocked his victim then deliberately killed him. Less than sane? He's a criminal!"
I remember being bombarded with questions, but I kept replying "I am on a holy mission."
"You're avoiding the question, on April 11th did you murder a man named Albert Willfred?"
"I am on a-"
"Just answer the question!"
"I MURDERED him!!! He was a sinner and I erased him." My face was hot with flare and my nostrils were wide open from anger.
"....No furhter questions your honor."
[Back inside the execution room]
I remember staring at that old man, he was yelling something out of the bible, but all I could see were his lips moving with no sound. And in my last breath I simply whispered "I will see you all at the judgement."


THE END


What I liked about it is, it flowed well and has a stellar voice. Almost every sentence carried a beat and transitioned nicely to the next one--except it got a bit clunky near the end. Your voice carried itself well through to the end. Most people don't even bother with it, at all (which is a shame once you think about it).

I wasn't a fan of the courtroom scene. It didn't do anything for me. It slowed it down and rehashed everything you mentioned in parts 1, 2 and 3. Maybe if there were some imagery, maybe that would help it? But right now, the way it is, it feels way too excessive.

Nice job on your first step in short story territory. :salut:

rickyknight1
June 27th, 2016, 11:29 PM
What I liked about it is, it flowed well and has a stellar voice. Almost every sentence carried a beat and transitioned nicely to the next one--except it got a bit clunky near the end. Your voice carried itself well through to the end. Most people don't even bother with it, at all (which is a shame once you think about it).

I wasn't a fan of the courtroom scene. It didn't do anything for me. It slowed it down and rehashed everything you mentioned in parts 1, 2 and 3. Maybe if there were some imagery, maybe that would help it? But right now, the way it is, it feels way too excessive.

Nice job on your first step in short story territory. :salut:
Yes thank you, writing in general is a bit out of my territory. I actually made my start as a rapper lol!

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rickyknight1
June 28th, 2016, 10:08 PM
https://youtu.be/92B51CZB1As

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rickyknight1
June 28th, 2016, 10:12 PM
Ok,,, so I want everyone to play along with this! Play this track ^^^, and then, read my prose along with it, but only if you can - of course :)

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