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Elsey2
June 22nd, 2016, 03:27 AM
Opening chapter to a story idea I just got...

Adrenaline. I lived for it. The thrill seeking began when I was just a little kid. I dared my friend to dare me to jump off the shed in my parents backyard and boom, just like that, a daredevil was born. Sure it was the first day of summer in third grade and my fateful leap left me in a wrist-to-shoulder cast right up until the end of August but, hell, it was worth it.

"Jump!" A familiar voice urged me from the darkness below. "Let's go Mac!"

Jump. The word rang in my ears more than a decade later and it still possessed me; taunted me; dared me. God, that word thrilled me. It thrilled me to the core. It was the type of word that made my bones rattle and my heart jolt like an electric current had just rushed through my body.

At nineteen years young I stood, not at the top of a seven foot shed, but at the top of a forty foot cliff. I had been cliff diving with my friends many times but never at night; not like this.

"You gonna jump any time this year Mac?" The voice below belonged to Liam. He was the friend that I dared to dare me to jump off the shed when we were eight. Since then we were co-deviants of the land; partners in crime. There was never an adventure I took without him by my side. Liam was my best friend.

I stripped off my shirt and tossed it to the side and rubbed my hands together. Oh, the anticipating may have been better than the freefall itself. That was where the thrill was born. It was born in my mind and relocated to every inch of my body. I loved the moment just before the adventure.
"Get out of the way!" I shouted, hearing my voice echo of the surrounding rock-faces.

What separated this jump from the billions of others I'd taken was the cut-off of my most primal and useful sense - my sight. I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me and if it weren't for the splashes of my friends below I would have no way of knowing if it was water or a series of jagged rocks that awaited me.

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I don't want to die. If I could live forever that would be amazing. However, I'm a big believer in the cheesy quote that was perhaps established in the jurassic years based on how many times it's been used - It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years. It sounds like something that would be written on the door of an outhouse but, hey, I like the quote. That's why I created my own form of immortality. I lived every moment like it was my last.

Shirt. Shoes. Shorts. They all sat in a ball at the top of cliff and I stood proudly in the darkness in my boxer shorts before taking a few steps back. At that moment I felt it again - the thrill. It was a passenger that accompanied me often and I hated the moments that I had to silence it. Lucky for the both of us, I was about to let it loose.

My barefeet began to carry me toward the ledge. It was only a few feet away but I made it last to the best of my ability. The crushed stone and sand beneath my toes was heaven to me. I loved being one with nature, even in the tiniest margins.

One, two, three... I counted the final steps in my mind and hurled my body off the edge of the cliff hooting a loud yelp into the air as I felt that marvelous infinite feeling. It was a drug to me.

Wind rushed up my nose and into my lungs as I breathed in the fresh, night air. For a second I felt like I was floating, and I managed to take it all in - the crescent moon, the stars, the vague outlines of the tree tops in the distance. I smiled and then it ended with a hard smack to the bottoms of feet and the rush of icy water. Oh, how sweet it was.

I let my body go limp for a moment and sunk down deep into the lake. The plunge gave that feeling of being reborn. My arms and legs waved lazily and I felt no fear like some people might; maybe like I should. I embraced the cool water for as long as I could before my lungs hinted it was time to resurface. I always listened when my body spoke to me.

I kicked my legs a few times and performed a few hard strokes before I was one with the world again, welcomed by my friends' cheers and clapping.
"Yo, man, that was awesome!" Liam reached a hand over and I took a deep breath before high-fiving him.

"Think we can manage another round?" Our friend Micah bobbed up down, continually pushing his mound of wavy hair back away from his eyes.
I smiled and breathed in heavily a few times, huffing a quick, "I'm down," to my friend.

Liam chuckled. "Alright! Let's go!"

The three of us high-tailed it to shore and ran up a small path in the woods that put us back where we started - where the thrill began. This time I didn't wait. I darted out in front of my friends and took the jump by the balls. There was nothing to fear now that I'd done it once, and in some ways that diminished that thrill just a little bit.

From beneath the surface I heard my friends simultaneous splashes and when I resurfaced to see them share another high-five I felt a calling, or maybe an epiphany. It urged me from deep inside to do something different; to get out of our all-too-typical Michigan town and do something different; something exciting; something dangerous.

A smile crossed my face as I thought of the world outside the realm of familiarity. There were other worlds out there that I knew absolutely nothing about and for the first time in my life I was acknowledging that.

I've got to do something about that, I thought, I need to plan the adventure of a lifetime.

Bard_Daniel
June 22nd, 2016, 10:52 PM
Hey Elsey!

This has potential. I liked the intrigue that you were setting up. It's interesting and, for the most part, it's cleanly and precisely written. I have a gripe with two paragraphs though. They were the ones starting with "Now, I know what you're thinking..." and "Shirt. Shoes. Shorts..." I felt that both of these could either be trimmed down-- especially in the latter, or trimmed out entirely. Besides this, though, it seems like a good effort but I would stress that, when you continue (which I think you should) that you should definitely be controlling the narrative as tightly as possible. This is, however, just my recommendation.

All in all, a good effort.

Cheers!

Elsey2
June 30th, 2016, 06:16 PM
Thanks a lot for the input!


Hey Elsey!

This has potential. I liked the intrigue that you were setting up. It's interesting and, for the most part, it's cleanly and precisely written. I have a gripe with two paragraphs though. They were the ones starting with "Now, I know what you're thinking..." and "Shirt. Shoes. Shorts..." I felt that both of these could either be trimmed down-- especially in the latter, or trimmed out entirely. Besides this, though, it seems like a good effort but I would stress that, when you continue (which I think you should) that you should definitely be controlling the narrative as tightly as possible. This is, however, just my recommendation.

All in all, a good effort.

Cheers!

CrimsonAngel223
November 9th, 2016, 10:20 PM
Pretty good story, intriguing.

Gomer_Ashby
January 25th, 2017, 03:57 PM
This seems like an excellent start to a story...even a novel, perhaps?
I love your style. Very fluid and clear. Good work!

violinguy
April 12th, 2017, 07:40 PM
Opening chapter to a story idea I just got...

Adrenaline. I lived for it. The thrill seeking began when I was just a little kid. I dared my friend to dare me to jump off the shed in my parents backyard and boom, just like that, a daredevil was born. I don't like using 'dare' twice here. Sure it was the first day of summer in third grade and my fateful leap left me in a wrist-to-shoulder cast right up until the end of August but, hell, it was worth it.

"Jump!" A familiar voice urged me from the darkness below. "Let's go Mac!"

Jump. The word rang in my ears more than a decade later and it still possessed me; taunted me; dared me. God, that word thrilled me. It thrilled me to the core. It was the type of word that made my bones rattle and my heart jolt like an electric current had just rushed through my body.

At nineteen years young I stood, not at the top of a seven foot shed, but at the top of a forty foot cliff. I had been cliff diving with my friends many times but never at night; not like this.

"You gonna jump any time this year Mac?" The voice below belonged to Liam. He was the friend that I dared to dare me to jump off the shed when we were eight. Since then we were co-deviants of the land; partners in crime. There was never an adventure I took without him by my side. Liam was my best friend.

I stripped off my shirt and tossed it to the side and rubbed my hands together. Oh, the anticipating may have been better than the freefall maybe free-fall or free fall? itself. That was where the thrill was born. It was born in my mind and relocated to every inch of my body. I loved the moment just before the adventure.
"Get out of the way!" I shouted, hearing my voice echo of the surrounding rock-faces.

What separated this jump from the billions of others I'd taken was the cut-off of my most primal and useful sense - my sight. I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me and if it weren't for the splashes of my friends below I would have no way of knowing if it was water or a series of jagged rocks that awaited me.

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I don't want to die. If I could live forever that would be amazing. However, I'm a big believer in the cheesy quote that was perhaps established in the jurassic (Jurassic) years based on how many times it's been used - It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years. It sounds like something that would be written on the door of an outhouse but, hey, I like the quote. That's why I created my own form of immortality. I lived every moment like it was my last. I like the quote and the oldness of the quote but I don't necessarily dig the outhouse simile. Cat poster, while cliche, is more what I would go for.

Shirt. Shoes. Shorts. They all sat in a ball at the top of cliff and I stood proudly in the darkness in my boxer shorts before taking a few steps back. At that moment I felt it again - the thrill. It was (like?) a passenger that accompanied me often and I hated the moments that (when?) I had to silence it. Lucky for the both of us, I was about to let it loose.

My barefeet (bare feet) began to carry me toward the ledge. It was only a few feet away but I made it last to the best of my ability. A little unclear - you mean the time it took to get to the edge yes? Maybe reword. The crushed stone and sand beneath my toes was heaven to me. I loved being one with nature, even in the tiniest margins.

One, two, three... I counted the final steps in my mind and hurled my body off the edge of the cliff hooting a loud yelp into the air as I felt that marvelous infinite feeling. It was a drug to me.

Wind rushed up my nose and into my lungs as I breathed in the fresh, night air. For a second I felt like I was floating, and I managed to take it all in - the crescent moon, the stars, the vague outlines of the tree tops in the distance. I smiled and then it ended with a hard smack to the bottoms of feet and the rush of icy water. Oh, how sweet it was. maybe a ! here?

I let my body go limp for a moment and sunk down deep into the lake. The plunge gave that feeling of being reborn. My arms and legs waved lazily and I felt no fear like some people might; maybe like I should. I embraced the cool water for as long as I could before my lungs hinted it was time to resurface. I always listened when my body spoke to me. I like this!

I kicked my legs a few times and performed a few hard strokes before I was one with the world again, welcomed by my friends' cheers and clapping.
"Yo, man, that was awesome!" Liam reached a hand over and I took a deep breath before high-fiving him.

"Think we can manage another round?" Our friend Micah bobbed up down, continually pushing his mound of wavy hair back away from his eyes.
I smiled and breathed in heavily a few times, huffing a quick, "I'm down," to my friend. unclear who is speaking here - need paragraph break or something

Liam chuckled. "Alright! Let's go!"

The three of us high-tailed it to shore and ran up a small path in the woods that put us back where we started - where the thrill began. This time I didn't wait. I darted out in front of my friends and took the jump by the balls. There was nothing to fear now that I'd done it once, and in some ways that diminished that thrill just a little bit.

From beneath the surface I heard my friends simultaneous splashes and when I resurfaced to see them share another high-five I felt a calling, or maybe an epiphany. It urged me from deep inside to do something different; to get out of our all-too-typical Michigan town and do something different; something exciting; something dangerous.

A smile crossed my face as I thought of the world outside the realm of familiarity. There were other worlds out there that I knew absolutely nothing about and for the first time in my life I was acknowledging that.

I've got to do something about that, I thought, I need to plan the adventure of a lifetime. I get what you are going for here, but it seems a little repetitive to me. Maybe change some words so every sentence doesn't say 'I need to get out of here' or the like.

I like this very much. It sets a tone and a scene, and even introduces the protagonist well. You don't give a lot of description and none is really necessary at this point. My edits are just what I might do if I were editing this as my own. Great start.:cheers:

loueleven
May 7th, 2017, 02:51 AM
I believe there's more hereó keep writing!


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