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View Full Version : Scythe Girls: Slice Through Blood (Official Prologue and Chapter 1 2239 words)



KThoughts
June 18th, 2016, 09:22 AM
Author's Note: This was originally posted in the Beta Reading but I am posting it here as the official Prologue and Chapter. There's a lot of changes into this chapter and I hope this is more clear and understandable to read. Advice, critics and suggestions are always welcome! I also like to thank CleverFox for helping me edit chapter 1!



http://www.writingforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14450&stc=1


- P R O L O G U E -


What path do you choose? Decide now and you shall be cleansed"The Judge spoke with authority as she looked down on from her seat. The raven flew down on her shoulder and gawked at me with hostility. The eyes of wrath and venom fell down upon me, I clenched my grip on my scythe and stared at the judge fiercely. Our surroundings were nothing but silence and no one from outside could interrupt us. I could feel my heart hammering, the uneasiness was bursting inside my chest and the suspense was killing me. The decision that you have to make is a heavy burden you have to carry all your own. Path? The path that's left for you to choose is heaven and hell. This is the final judgment of a person who committed so many sins in the past. Do we really have a choice at this point? Especially someone like me?

I am not innocent and I know it... No one in this room is innocent.


Somewhere down below the depths of Earth, Someone is in the same situation as me.

Drip...


Heavy drops of blood ran down from his dagger, he stood there on the spot as the harsh winds from outside blew from behind his torn coat. I stood there frightened and clueless. My lover was there, He was lying with his face down on the floor with his blood scattered on the floor and his skin turning pale like the snow that crept it's way on the garden shed from outside.The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried.


"They always get to me the people like them,"The man said as he chuckled uncontrollably and he was walking towards me. This is the person that killed the only person that understands me and the only one who loved me my entire life. His once lively aura now became dark and lifeless, his once body filled with life now just became a bland corpse that stays on the floor. He's dead. There's no denying that fact anymore at least not me. I can't believe it he's dead.


"They always talk about how I cannot do anything"He continued to rant and I bumped into the wall of the shed. It was already a dead end. He prepared his dagger, he raised it until it matched his shoulder-length the dagger still held the blood of my lover.


"You must be his wife eh?, Don't worry little one...you'll join him soon..."He said darkly as he pointed his dagger towards me and swiftly ran to me but in a nick of time, I was able to dodge away from his dagger. I collapsed down onto the floor but I quickly got up. His dagger was stuck on the wall, he struggled to pull it out while he was distracted, I hurriedly went to find a weapon but it didn't take too long before he could notice my sudden movement.


"Don't you want to join your husband? You can join by dying" He said harshly, he pulled the dagger out and he ran again swiftly, ready to kill me at any moment. I tried to shift my eyes from left to right hastily, I looked through a bunch of pottery and boxes. There's no weapon or anything for defense I could use. I was struck on the head and I fell down and The man hurriedly ran to me from behind and trapped my hands together, he gripped his hands tighter and made me sit up. He placed his dagger onto my neck and pressed it against my skin. I struggled to try to remove my wrist off from his grip.


"Stop resisting!" He yelled as he tried to press the dagger onto my skin and slowly blood came out of my neck. I tried to move away from the dagger but he still kept me in my position. I bumped my head onto him backward he stumbled on the floor and I quickly ran and in the corner of my eye. I saw a rusty, old chainsaw resting behind the shelves. I quickly went to grab it. It was heavy but I didn't feel any struggle when I lifted it and prepared my stance. He raised his hands in surrender but it was already an obvious lie to me. His eyes still holds insanity in them.


"They always call me an idiot, useless and garbage," He said as he still came towards me. I still held the chainsaw firm on my hands and faced the wretched man in front of me. He was twitching weirdly and his hands were shivering. He's scared but he cannot realize what he's doing because his sanity was long gone from returning.


"People like you need to die!" He yelled as he made his way towards me and I also prepare the weapon in my hands. I turned on the rusty chainsaw and it made an awful sound but I ignored it, I closed my eyes and approached the man with the chainsaw vibrating in my hands. I felt the blade touched his skin and I could feel blood splattered onto my face and dress.


As soon as I opened my eyes, the horror of murder was right in front of me and everywhere was the sight of blood. Everywhere was the sight of sins.


I took his life who did nothing but rant about the horrible things that people did to him.


I used to have a life like that and I never complained and all my life I tried to choke it all inside of me and hide all the pain in me


All I did was take it in but it was impossible, the pain got the best of me and soon it was my blood that spilled.


This is my story on how I suffered the last time I suffered as someone who still has an ounce of sanity left in me...




- C H A P T E R 1 : HELL BENEATH MY FEET -



The light flickered as Rucca slowly opened her eyes, waking from her slumber. The first thing she saw were gray clouds against a maroon sky. she felt the rough ground beneath her, scratching against her skin, and her hand was tightly gripped around the handle of a rusty chainsaw. Her body felt heavy, making it hard to lift herself up. 'Where am I?', She thought, suspiciously looking around her surroundings. 'This doesn't look like Earth'. Rucca forced herself to sit up. Her legs were shaking, her knees glued to the ground. She used the chainsaw to support herself as she stood, legs weak and arms quivering. She looked again at her surroundings and noticed the world was colored red. The mountains rising in the distance were red, streams crisscrossed around her the color of blood, the sand shimmering a bright crimson, rusted bones and skulls were lying on the floor. Just like Hell, this place screamed suffering.


Walking slowly forward to the distance she hoped she could find someone or something that might help her get some sort of clue. No-- She rather find someone than to find something but she wondered if there are any creatures that dwell beyond this crimson world? Let alone a human like her. This world isn't even the place she used to live in. This place was unique but horrifying for the eye. How did she end up in this world? Was this all a dream? Hallucination? 'Ugh,' she groaned, confused about the situation. It was tearing her mind apart if she kept thinking about her situation.


Strong winds blew from behind snapping her out of her thoughts. She fell down because of the impact of the wind. A strong growl was heard from the distance, It was a growl from what? She doesn't even have the energy to walk yet alone to run for her life? Can people even die at this point? If this is a dream she wished she could wake up from it. She tried to keep her hands and legs solid as she tries to hasten her pace before the beast showed up and see her. Rucca couldn't see the beast yet but it's better to run now before it shows up. She lifted the chainsaw and used it as a cane to make herself walk faster but no matter what she does it just slowed her down but it's the only thing that could make her stand.


'Hurry' Rucca thought to herself over and over as she simultaneously lifts and walks with the chainsaw, Why was she holding a chainsaw in the first place? 'I recognized this chainsaw but I just don't know how?' She thought but she snapped out. It will only make her even more confused than she already is, Yet another growl was heard again and this time, it's near. It wasn't that far from what she heard last time.


It was coming for her...


Begging her legs to toughen up and hasten its pace, It was too stiff and weak. Her arms were also getting tired of lifting the heavy chainsaw and soon her pace started to get slower and slower. Her knees were about to drop, 'No!' She snapped at herself, pushing everything she had left from her strength further, lifting the chainsaw and pursuing to walk faster. I can't stop now and not like this.


Minutes have passed Rucca felt like the chainsaw slightly became lighter than before and her whole energy is returning to its normal state. 'Have I gotten used to this?', Her lips perked into a smile before she continues to walk again and this time, She was right it had gotten used to it but it was strange. The chainsaw before was really heavy and now it became lighter than ever. It's only been a few minutes or so...


The ground started to shake making her lose her balance, loud galloping footsteps could be heard and a growl scarier than before. 'It's already that near??' Rucca panicked as she got up on track again and ignored her groggy feet, She forced herself to run as fast as she could. The ground was rumbling harshly, Rucca tried to keep herself in balance as she kept running. Her breath was getting heavier and she hasn't even gotten that far yet.


Loud steps of the monster can be heard from behind it was fast and it's getting closer. Rucca turned to look behind her and she couldn't tell if it was coming after her or something else but it was looking around, sniffing the ground but what scared her was because how it was so different. It has green eyes and black furry skin, it's teeth was showing and it's claws were big and sharp, it's body was almost like a bear but more ferocious. The beast stopped sniffing and it stood up from its position and it sniffed again in the air until its eyes fell upon Rucca those green eyes were piercing onto Rucca. It saw her.


It started to walk in her direction. It's teeth gritted and it's eyes glowed brighter and angrier. Rucca was spotted and it's coming her way, She grabbed my chainsaw and dashed away from the monster. It growled again from behind and it started to chase her, the ground was shaking again by the monster's heavy feet. Rucca looked down on the chainsaw, it's blade was decayed and it almost looks like it was about to break any moment by its rust. I looked back at the beast from behind that was chasing me.


'It's pointless to use this against to a beast like that' Rucca thought, the chainsaw is about to break and you cannot even land a single scratch since it has big claws that can tear your body apart before you could even attack. She knew it would be hopeless but she wished something or someone could distract it away from her attention. 'Help...' Rucca's thoughts rang inside my head over and over. The word help, Where can you even seek help in a place like this? She looked behind again and the beast was even closer, this time, clenching her fist and tightens her grip on the handle of the chainsaw as she ran for her life.


"You're alone again, Aren't you?" A small voice whispered in her head. It whispered in her ears with venom, her heart pumped painfully in her chest sooner it got even more intense and her heart felt like it was about to burst. She clutches on her shirt, gritting her teeth as she tries to move forward, her legs shaking and her breath was out short.


'Please help me' She begged as she fell down on the floor and the presence of the beast was already towards her, approaching her with hunger. She closed her eyes hoping this was all an illusion.


Then a gunshot was heard and Rucca was out cold.

nathan sturley
June 18th, 2016, 03:51 PM
yes you sure have an imagination. There is a way you write that charms the reader like you feel "poor soul" as you read. It is so interesting how you have such an imagination.
"They always get to me the people like them,"The man said as he chuckled uncontrollably and he was walking towards me. This is the person that killed the only person that understands me and the only one who loved me my entire life. His once lively aura now became dark and lifeless, his once body filled with life now just became a bland corpse that stays on the floor. He's dead. There's no denying that fact anymore at least not me. I can't believe it he's dead.

My favorite segment. You are surely talented. You even do artwork! You really have a style. I think you ought to know as a youngster you say you are you surely are talented at writing oozing innocence combined with descriptive zeal. Great talent you are.

Miseo
June 22nd, 2016, 08:09 PM
As before, I like the setting and the idea. I don't really know what's going on, and that's a good thing. There are a few grammatical thingies in the prologue, like this sentence

"The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried." using a lot of ands. Maybe something like:

"The man turned to look at me, his eyes piercing coldly towards me. His grip on the dagger tightened as he made his way slowly to me, breathing raggedly. His eyes spoke with insanity in them and his dried lips were twitching."

Or something. I try to avoid using the same word too often, personally. Anyway, good job. It's intriguing.

EACyrianne
June 22nd, 2016, 09:29 PM
There's a few issues, beyond the grammatical. The use of unnecessary imaginary.

My lover was there, He was lying with his face down on the floor with his blood scattered on the floor and his skin turning pale like the snow that crept it's way on the garden shed from outside.The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried.


My lover was there. He lay face down, his blood splattered across the floor. His already pale skin now the shade of new snow. Standing above him, cracked lips twitching, was his murderer. XXX was a cold man and his eyes pierced mine as he turned, his grip on the dagger tightening. His breath still ragged, his eyes alight with the madness of bloodlust, he made his way slowly towards me.

Something like that. Cut out the unneeded. Keep the plot moving.

It's interesting but the reader sort of stubs their toes on the extras.

nathan sturley
June 30th, 2016, 06:37 PM
There's a few issues, beyond the grammatical. The use of unnecessary imaginary.

My lover was there, He was lying with his face down on the floor with his blood scattered on the floor and his skin turning pale like the snow that crept it's way on the garden shed from outside.The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried.


My lover was there. He lay face down, his blood splattered across the floor. His already pale skin now the shade of new snow. Standing above him, cracked lips twitching, was his murderer. XXX was a cold man and his eyes pierced mine as he turned, his grip on the dagger tightening. His breath still ragged, his eyes alight with the madness of bloodlust, he made his way slowly towards me.

Something like that. Cut out the unneeded. Keep the plot moving.

It's interesting but the reader sort of stubs their toes on the extras.
well put!!! that is what I call constructive advice. nice one

KThoughts
July 8th, 2016, 01:44 AM
yes you sure have an imagination. There is a way you write that charms the reader like you feel "poor soul" as you read. It is so interesting how you have such an imagination.
"They always get to me the people like them,"The man said as he chuckled uncontrollably and he was walking towards me. This is the person that killed the only person that understands me and the only one who loved me my entire life. His once lively aura now became dark and lifeless, his once body filled with life now just became a bland corpse that stays on the floor. He's dead. There's no denying that fact anymore at least not me. I can't believe it he's dead.

My favorite segment. You are surely talented. You even do artwork! You really have a style. I think you ought to know as a youngster you say you are you surely are talented at writing oozing innocence combined with descriptive zeal. Great talent you are.

Thank you so much for the praise! It means a lot to me! :D


As before, I like the setting and the idea. I don't really know what's going on, and that's a good thing. There are a few grammatical thingies in the prologue, like this sentence

"The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried." using a lot of ands. Maybe something like:

"The man turned to look at me, his eyes piercing coldly towards me. His grip on the dagger tightened as he made his way slowly to me, breathing raggedly. His eyes spoke with insanity in them and his dried lips were twitching."

Or something. I try to avoid using the same word too often, personally. Anyway, good job. It's intriguing.

Thank you for pointing that out Miseo! I'm also glad you find this story intriguing:cheers:


There's a few issues, beyond the grammatical. The use of unnecessary imaginary.

My lover was there, He was lying with his face down on the floor with his blood scattered on the floor and his skin turning pale like the snow that crept it's way on the garden shed from outside.The man turned to look at me. His eyes were piercing coldly towards me and his grip on the dagger tightened, he made his way slowly to me, his breath was ragged and his eyes spoke with insanity in them and his mouth was twitching and his lips were dried.


My lover was there. He lay face down, his blood splattered across the floor. His already pale skin now the shade of new snow. Standing above him, cracked lips twitching, was his murderer. XXX was a cold man and his eyes pierced mine as he turned, his grip on the dagger tightening. His breath still ragged, his eyes alight with the madness of bloodlust, he made his way slowly towards me.

Something like that. Cut out the unneeded. Keep the plot moving.

It's interesting but the reader sort of stubs their toes on the extras.

Alright then... I will get rid of the fillers in the story! Thanks for pointing that out as well >w<

Jay Greenstein
July 8th, 2016, 02:31 AM
What path do you choose? Decide now and you shall be cleansed"The Judge spoke with authority as she looked down on from her seat.First, you absolutely must edit, and place only your "A" game out there. Your first sentence is missing the very first character, the quote mark. It's also missing the period at the end and the space after the closing quote. What were you thinking? It's the first line, and the last thing you want is a reader to see sloppy work there. Your reader is giving you of their time, and they don't have to. So it's incumbent on you to make their job easy.

That aside, look at this from a reader's viewpoint. They just got here and have no idea of where they are, who they are, or what's going on. And without that they have no context. So we read the words of someone unknown, whose tone only you can hear. We learn that the one speaking is a "Judge." But that could apply to someone at a sporting event, a lower court judge, or pretty much anything else. And who is this judge talking to? No way to tell. And through the prologue the reader has no more context.

My point? You're trying to entertain the reader, but because you provide no context, it won't. And it matters not at all that you clarify later, you can't retroactively remove a reader's confusion. So at all times the writing must have context for the reader.

Skipping down to the opening of chapter one:
The light flickered as Rucca slowly opened her eyes, waking from her slumber.Again, only you have context to make sense of this. As a reader:

The light flickered? That could mean because leaves are interrupting the sun, but for a reader they will more likely mean a light bulb. But clarity is lacking.

She slowly opened her eyes? Why does how fast she did that important? Since you mention it, it gives the impression that it is. But in reality, she opened her eyes.

You say waking from her slumber. Who else's can she wake from? The answer is no one's so why specify? And does it matter of it was sleep or being knocked unconscious? Not at this point, so why specify that. In other words, never tell a reader what they already know because it slows the read.

Are you sensing that there may be problems for a reader who lacks your in depth knowledge of the story? My point is that for you, who knows, as they begin to read, the characters, the situation, and everything else, every line points to memories, images, and story, all right there in your mind. But for a reader, every line points to memories, images, and story, all right there in your mind. And since, as we all know, my mind is empty, the story can't mean to me what it does to you.

It's not a matter of good or bad writing, or the story. It's that you're missing some important information on the constraints our medium places on us. And because you are, you thinking in terms of talking to the reader and telling them the story, something not possible in our medium. You can present the story, but not as you'd film it or tell it personally.

Every writing discipline has its own body of craft. And we're taught none of it in our school days because there we learn a set of useful general skills all adults need on the job and in everyday life: report, letter, and essay writing. But to write like a pro, be it for film, stage, news, or fiction, you need the skills of the pro in that medium and discipline. So a bit of time spent digging out the tricks of making a scene sing to a reader is time well spent. Your local library's fiction writing section can be a huge help there. And, it's free.

I wish my news was better. but given that because we leave school believing that writing-is-writing, and we have that part taken care of, it's a thing that hits us all over the head at some point. So it's no big deal, and can be fixed with a bit of knowledge.

So hang in there, and keep on writing.

bdcharles
July 8th, 2016, 04:15 PM
Apropos of your title, I think it would be cool to have a team of female ninja assassins called the Slice Girls. Choppy Slice, Skewery Slice, Hacky Slice, Spiky Slice and Lunge Slice. They could fund their crime-fighting nightwork by working shifts in a gourmet kitchen. Make it happen :)

Nice presentation by the way. Apologies, I have not read the main bit but will do as soon as is humanly possible.