PDA

View Full Version : A pale man



fpak
June 16th, 2016, 07:46 PM
This is a bit of surreal writing
***

Sad demons bawl their bubbling pain out of the chemical fumes of hell. In the smoke grins the pale man, his teeth bared in laughter as the coals burn inside of him in nuclear reactor grind of stomach acid curdling into twinkling hot bubbles. The pale man is loose with laughter and drooling through his teeth as he jumps into the chocolate darkness of tartarus, sweet with libido.

As he descends into the murky woods of a forest tickling with trees writhing in pleasure, his cheeks turn Snow White red. The pale man falls down into the grasping trees with silvery sparks of autumn leaves that then lay writhing like worms on the floor of the river reflecting the leaves back onto the woods in cuboidal irony. The pale man hears a cold streaming cooing ending warm in a crescendo death. He then realizes that he has become his own shadow; eyes white with the luminous waters of blindness. He feels the prickle of jerking leaves underfoot as he swims back to the cooing in order to love whomsoever it may be that sings of wamth with such a lonely and cold voice.


He rewinds back to the cold coy throat of the stream and found it blue and broken in a room in a house at the edge of dawn. Lying in bed the blue angel's eyes were open and moving sideways as she watched the apocalypse explode in a burst of orgasmic light slowly warming into numb bliss. And in the corners of the house at the edge of dawn stood the blind shadow watching her through boiled eyes.

The pale man bared his teeth and giggled the bubbling pain in a warm shadow of the angel's cooing and as he hiccuped the greedy pain of his broken heart, the air bubbled in chemical fumes and slowly the cold cooing stream poisoned itself with hope and as her head straightened itself out, her bones rattled the samba to the blues of yelping monkey laughter of the pale man.


The numbness curdled into ash at the bursting celebratory glow of cigarette burn pain. And then the apocalypse didnt seem so bad when you could choke on your own laughter, blue with blood.

And as she lay on her bed with her neck broken again, this time with laughter, the pale man realised that the chocolate shadow had fallen from his eyes and his body and he could see her beauty even through her purple tongue and bulging boiled egg eyes. And then the pale man moaned his laugh, retching out the chemical fumes, burning the angel's fraying body in waves of pain and then he falls into the house at the pit of night.

And there he laughs his pain; heard in strange howls at the mottled edges of the night. He will stay there till hallelujah.

TheRedSharpie
June 18th, 2016, 08:30 PM
Wow, this is deep.

Good work. I haven't got much to say, except that it isn't for those with a weak stomach - you're excellent on imagery.

fpak
June 20th, 2016, 09:59 PM
Thanks theredsharpie. I was just trying to push myself to write something more experimental here. Glad it worked for you. :)

Rookish
June 21st, 2016, 02:58 AM
Firstly, I like the experimental and abstract spirit of this piece.
The flow of it felt very poetic, and at times I was quite pleasantly surprised by your imagery
(Snow White red cheeks, chocolate shadow/darkness, bulging boiled egg eyes)


There are a few sentences that were too obscure and broke the flow, at least from my point of view.



In the smoke grins the pale man, his teeth bared in laughter as the coals burn inside of him in nuclear reactor grind of stomach acid curdling into twinkling hot bubbles.


This sentence becomes very clumsy after the comma.

"In the smoke grins the pale man, his teeth bared in laughter as the coals burn inside of him"

Excellent imagery, this part of the sentence is quite powerful and could remain so if split from the rest.

"Grind" does not fit for well in the mind, either as a noun or verb.
There may be a meaning that I am missing, a prospect which piques my curiosity : P




The pale man falls down into the grasping trees with silvery sparks of autumn leaves that then lay writhing like worms on the floor of the river reflecting the leaves back onto the woods in cuboidal irony.


Once again, this sentence breaks the flowing, poetic pace that the rest of your piece so deftly upholds.
Perhaps add a comma, or shorten the sentence.
Unless the length is an intentional addition in the experimental fashion? Hmm...

Edit: On re-reading this sentence, it does not seem so clumsy...perhaps I simply love the comma too much. Not sure here...
Edit2: I would place a comma between river and reflecting.



The pale man bared his teeth and giggled the bubbling pain in a warm shadow of the angel's cooing and as he hiccuped the greedy pain of his broken heart, the air bubbled in chemical fumes and slowly the cold cooing stream poisoned itself with hope and as her head straightened itself out, her bones rattled the samba to the blues of yelping monkey laughter of the pale man.


Ah! Now this lengthy sentence keeps up with the tempo I envision within my brain. the commas giving a clear indication as to the sequence of events and giving the imagery the proper regard it deserves.



And there he laughs his pain; heard in strange howls at the mottled edges of the night.


This is a good ending...the hallelujah finality lessens its impact in my reading voice, but that is purely a subjective preference.
This sentence is still very attractive, and ties in nicely with the pale man's grin and laughter at the start.



The pale man is loose with laughter and drooling through his teeth as he jumps into the chocolate darkness of tartarus, sweet with libido.


Another astounding sentence...Very Victorian and very modern, the images you invoke within my mind are of two ages, clashing violently within one personality, emotions of the past corrupting its mind at present.


I apologize if my critique makes little sense, this is my first time attempting literary analysis in the forum's prose section.

Your imagery was mystifying, and I would definitely read more of your experiments ^.^

The brain has now become curious as to the larger state of experimental prose...research is due.

Thank you for sharing, human!

MrTickle
June 21st, 2016, 03:36 PM
I love surreal and abstract pieces of writing. And I loved this! Really felt like the imagery was guiding the story as it should do im pieces like these. I always feel surreal stories should give you a mood after reading them or, a certain feeling instead of an understanding as you do in more conventional tales, and I feel this did that!

Please write more! :-)