PDA

View Full Version : A Sudden Downpour



TheRedSharpie
June 15th, 2016, 08:54 PM
It was so dark, I felt almost physically imprisoned, despite the frosty autumn wind biting at my face. The night was illuminated only by the flickering lights of the party, like fireflies hovering in the dusk. The damp from the long grass seemed to seep everywhere, and it being October in Britain, the night was so desperately chilly my toes had gone utterly numb; I rubbed my hands together to try and tempt warmth.

An ear-splitting crash behind me made me start, and nearly drop my guitar, gripped by my freezing fingers. I looked at my band mate in irritation – cold weather always makes me on edge. “Hey! Samuel, watch out. We haven’t even started the set yet, we don’t want to lose an amplifier already.”

He laughed so loudly it hurt my ears, and I could smell the sour, musky scent of cheap alcohol on his breath. “God, Harris, calm down.”

I bit my lip, too hard, and my mouth filled with a sharp metallic tang as I tasted blood. “Look, this is our last gig ever, right? We might as well go out on a high note.”

“I guess.” His expression was one of deep and undeniable distaste, and it hit me with surprising force.

I sighed in frustration, my warm breath visible in the chilliness. “And we used to be friends.”

“Things change, don’t they?” Samuel muttered, laughing again, and his unpredicted attack hurt in my chest.

The dark leather of the amplifier warm with power beneath my hand, I steadied myself. “I suppose you’re right.”

“You’re always acting so snobby these days, Harris,” taunted Samuel, “I don’t get why you don’t just piss off back to – ”

And this next bit, I’m not really sure how it happened because I’m not normally a violent person, but suddenly there was dark red blood caked thickly beneath my fingernails and I was pretty sure it had come from Samuel’s nose.

“What the…” his hands flew to his face so quickly they created a soft breeze in the night air, “You’ve got it coming now, you…”

I threw my guitar over my shoulder with its strap digging into my t-shirt, striding off purposefully, half-tripping in the dark illuminated only by the cheap blue fairy lights I’d helped string up earlier in the day. Within thirty seconds, I’d located my cousin James over by the drinks table.

“James. James! Look, I’m not going to be able to perform tonight… I can’t speak for the others, though.”

He spun around to look at me, spilling drops of Carlsberg onto my t-shirt, surprise written all over his chiselled, tough face. “What? But I need a band!”

Subtly, I wrung the beer out of my top, feeling the dampness soak through to my skin unpleasantly, as if I’d been caught in a sudden downpour. “It’s not going to be mine, though.”

afk4life
June 15th, 2016, 09:28 PM
Very evocative, crisp descriptions, another solid piece. Not a lot to criticize except blood under the fingernails, if Harris punched Samuel first off I'm not sure how the blood would get under the fingernails, and it wouldn't be caked yet. One sentence tripped me up:


An ear-splitting crash behind me made me start, and nearly drop my guitar, gripped by my freezing fingers.

That's a bit awkward of a sentence. Other than that, it's well written.

Shirl the Whirl
June 15th, 2016, 10:37 PM
This really captures a bubble of time. Very well written, but one sentence irked me - "Subtly, I wrung the beer out of my top, feeling the dampness soak through to my skin unpleasantly, as if I’d been caught in a sudden downpour".
It made me wonder how you would wring out your top subtly. I think you could lose the word unpleasantly, and leave it to us to guess that it would be unpleasant. And I didn't think that a few drops of Carlsberg would amount to a sudden downpour.
Just being picky as the rest of it is so good.

Olly Buckle
June 15th, 2016, 11:09 PM
Qualifying words generally make things a bit weaker, as :-

It was so dark, I felt almost physically imprisoned
It was so dark, I felt physically imprisoned

The night was illuminated only by the flickering lights ...
The night was illuminated by the flickering lights ...

This is a bit as though you have had a series of thoughts, a crash, a start, a drop, freezing fingers, and need to co-ordinate them,

An ear-splitting crash behind me made me start, and nearly drop my guitar, gripped by my freezing fingers.

maybe change the order of the elements, 'My guitar almost slipped from my freezing fingers at the sudden crash ...', that sort of thing.

TataSweets44
June 16th, 2016, 07:05 AM
I like this. Your story makes me wonder about their past. How they became friends in a band? Why aren't they friends anymore?This screams to be followed by a flash back. But that's just me lol. Oh and I completely agree with Shirl the Whirl about the "drops of beer" other than that, loved it!

Bard_Daniel
June 18th, 2016, 09:09 PM
I found this, as Shirl the Whirl mentioned, an interesting moment in time to capture. However, as others have mentioned, there were a few awkward sentences that can be amended to make the piece more powerful.

Examples:

"I looked at my band mate in irritation – cold weather always makes me on edge."

"“Things change, don’t they?” Samuel muttered, laughing again, and his unpredicted attack hurt in my chest."

"Subtly, I wrung the beer out of my top, feeling the dampness soak through to my skin unpleasantly, as if I’d been caught in a sudden downpour."

Yet I think this can be fixed by shortening the sentences and making them more direct.

Thanks for the read! Write on!

Jay Greenstein
June 19th, 2016, 02:57 AM
You've cracked the code. Nice work—though you already know that.

TheRedSharpie
June 19th, 2016, 10:59 AM
You've cracked the code. Nice work—though you already know that.

Thank you - that means a lot to me. :)