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fpak
June 14th, 2016, 08:47 AM
The cigarette stub's static of orange and black curdled into ash in the darkness of the room and my half closed eyes. It was another night spent wight-like in grey forms, haunting late hours untill the light imprisons us in our future forms. Ihsan and I were sitting in our unlit room around a curled up Kid A, the foetal ghost of the guy, now visiting us.
And then as we thumbed another cigarette we realized we were bobbing and jerking our heads to some beat, some countdown. To what?
And then Kid A got up. He stood up slowly, his limbs stumbling, I moved forward to help him. But I saw his eyes and they glared with a cigarette drag glow. And I relaised he was not stumbling with his slow blocky movement but swaggering-swaying slowly and jerkily
And then he fixed us, both of us with his burned eyes.
"You all right, man?" I asked.

"Yea..." said Ihsan
Then I noticed Ihsan's shuddering movements to the beat that I realized was Kid A's living body; the beat of his heart, the snare scratch of his grinding bones. And then we heard his lungs whistle,
"Bless the nothing, bless the nada. Bless the absentee father. Bless the black burnt void that the moon shines over, glistening farther, every day into the infinity, but the poison in the artery isnt what fills up the heart, but the blood that posions the heart isnt the charred acid that fills neurons, firing them off in different lunar lightnings."

I fell to my knees, my limbs twisted into lightning athritis turns and knots as the moon dawned over various storms through my drowned mind. Ihsan wept and circled the room waxing and waning in cycles.

Then the butterflies. Great large leathery butterflies in nocturnal glow of dawn light through the window, they flapped in circles around the declaiming poet as he writhed in vulnerability. The subterranean albino angels with plump pink rabbit-eyes cooed and scatted jazz as Kid A drummed through his cigarette end orange twilight glistening with cold dollars burnished and shining like mirrors in the meadows of his hell. And then Kid A raised both his hands. Silence. And then he brought his hell down upon us. The shadows dripped down like blood from the ceiling and pooled on the floor, and in the strange primal beating of balck butterfly wings bludgeoning light into strange shapes and colours all in a range of blue, and the walls simmered crisp orange near the floors and we heard the devil begin speaking in his voice like the ghost of a black deep barelled cannon.
"The lullabies of your childhood days summon me when spoken now. Demons sleep and wake to the same song. Find the song. Know your name. What's your name?"

And then it was morning. And then we left the warmth of hell, the softness of subterannean and we are imprisoned by light in our present form. And we dont know our names

Bard_Daniel
June 18th, 2016, 08:52 PM
Hi fpak!

I have a few things to mention. First, you use the word "And" a lot, especially in starting sentences, and I don't think this quite works. Also, it's a little confusing about what is going on because of the way that you wrote it. I don't really know what you were aiming for as it wasn't really clear to me. Also, your words, especially the dialogue, particularly mystify me as a reader. They come off a bit verbose and, instead of poetic, more as flowery sections.

If this was a standalone piece it might benefit from some careful editing and I think this would also apply if it's a part of a larger piece. You may want to think about what exactly you are aiming for and then refine the piece. I think this because, right now, it does not work in my eyes.

Just my two cents! Write on!

fpak
June 20th, 2016, 09:21 PM
Hey Danielstj

Yeah man. This is a piece I wrote just to push myself into something more experimental. The results it seems are mixed for readers. I will probably edit it into a more formal piece at some point.

Thabks for reading though. :)

eefraoula
June 24th, 2016, 06:21 PM
hi fpak :) this is the sort of piece I had to read more than once - and I liked it more the more I read it. Still, I had some thoughts.

danielstj mentioned your use of the word 'and' which I also noticed though my feelings about it are mixed. I think using the word 'and' so often both to start sentences or to create run-on sentences as you did increased the pace in a really powerful way. My only concern was that it all happened a little too quickly and you might not have needed that extra power and speed. One of your sentences in particular felt like a string of incomplete thoughts:

"The shadows dripped down like blood from the ceiling and pooled on the floor, and in the strange primal beating of balck butterfly wings bludgeoning light into strange shapes and colours all in a range of blue, and the walls simmered crisp orange near the floors and we heard the devil begin speaking in his voice like the ghost of a black deep barelled cannon."

The part about the beating of the butterfly wings was an incomplete clause that ended up being interrupted by your next image of the walls - I think this whole sentence just needs some tweeks in terms of your verbs, tense and form (shadows dripped, wings bludegeoning, walls simmered - inconsistent tenses?). And overall, while the use of 'and' makes the whole scene speed up, you might not need that added momentum. Reading your piece, the sensory details were very clear and powerful. They swept me along from one image to the next so swiftly, I didn't need any added speed. But this is your decision and has more to do with what you're trying to invoke.

By the end of your piece, I'm left feeling a little confused, like my mind has been flooded and I can't remember how I got to the end of the paragraph. This could be the effect that you are looking for, but it would be a shame to lose your characters and sense of place completely because of this. Yeah, it's kinda silly for me to point this out since you literally ended this with "we don't know our names" but as the reader, I know so little about the characters as it, forgetting what I did know meant forgetting them completely, effectively leaving me with no lasting memories of what I just read. Whatever your main idea or theme behind this piece is, it's not worth wiping your readers memory at the end. Also, about your last few sentences:

"And then it was morning. And then we left the warmth of hell, the softness of subterannean and we are imprisoned by light in our present form. And we dont know our names"

You've got both past and present tenses, within the same sentence, which could have been intentional but it felt either like a mistake or a forced shift. I like the idea of a sudden shift from darkness to light, but, for me, with the tenses confused, I couldn't confidently grasp the idea you were trying to end with.

On another note, I was really intrigued by the concept. There's a lot of mystery here. If you want to keep going with this piece, I think the whole piece needs to slow down so your readers don't get lost along the way. Also, you don't want TOO much mystery or confusion, because no one wants to read something the writer is trying to keep them from understanding. Without adding too much backstory upfront, maybe try adding a sentence or two to add a little dimension to your main character or at least to better imply what it is they are doing and where exactly they are. Again, you don't have to spell it out for your reader, but you could hint a bit more about what the premise is.

I really like your sensory details and descriptions. I think breaking up some of your run-ons will serve to strengthen this imagery. The repetitive imagery of the cigarette, the colors, the light in the darkness - these were all very effective. I also thought your word choice was pretty spot on (sure, maybe bordering on excessive at times) but overall, I appreciated the sound of your writing, the alliteration, the consonance - it had a very abrasive feel to it which I think worked in your favor and all the sounds fit the imagery as well. I particularly liked "The subterranean albino angels with plump pink rabbit-eyes cooed and scatted jazz..." The rhythmic undertones were both implied and felt!

I hope my two cents made sense! I'm really curious about where you're gonna go from here. Thanks for the interesting read :)