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Miseo
June 9th, 2016, 08:47 AM
Hi, I'm just working on finalizing chapter 4 of World Eater and there's a certain hoist mechanism that makes an appearance. I'm not sure if the description of the hoist is good or not. In this story slaves are mining a certain material called tearstones and the hoist is a mechanism that takes the stones up to the upper levels of the mines. Here's the description as of now:


He could make out the outline of the hoist system even in the dark. It was large and completely vertical. The hoist itself seemed like an extremely elongated ferris wheel, squished and made made entirely vertical. Thick cables set on wheels revolved vertically up the shaft of a room, bringing carts of tearstones from the depths of the mines to the upper levels. The base of the hoist was a huge, wheel-like mechanism laying horizontally. It seemed like it might have once been a grain mill but had been outfitted to move the hoist.

Does it make sense?

JustRob
June 9th, 2016, 09:01 AM
Does it make sense?

Not to me. Is it the cables that revolve or the wheels? One would assume that it's the wheels and you have phrased that sentence incorrectly, but on the other hand if the driving wheel at the bottom is laid horizontally then perhaps it does twist the cables. I am confused. I am more likely to make assumptions about the device that you are attempting to describe than to take your words literally at present. Perhaps it would be better to write a far simpler description and allow the reader to use their imagination anyway. You can still point out that the horizontal driving wheel is an incongruous feature and may have been used for something else previously.

P.S. "Squished" is hardly a technical term and looks out of place here. "Flattened" may be better.

P.P.S. "Shaft of a room" sounds wrong as well. It's either a shaft or a room, isn't it? Rooms tend to have floors while shafts don't.

Miseo
June 9th, 2016, 09:10 AM
Not to me. Is it the cables that revolve or the wheels? One would assume that it's the wheels and you have phrased that sentence incorrectly, but on the other hand if the driving wheel at the bottom is laid horizontally then perhaps it does twist the cables. I am confused. I am more likely to make assumptions about the device that you are attempting to describe than to take your words literally at present. Perhaps it would be better to write a far simpler description and allow the reader to use their imagination anyway. You can still point out that the horizontal driving wheel is an incongruous feature and may have been used for something else previously.

P.S. "Squished" is hardly a technical term and looks out of place here. "Flattened" may be better.

P.P.S. "Shaft of a room" sounds wrong as well. It's either a shaft or a room, isn't it? Rooms tend to have floors while shafts don't.
The wheels spin and the cables revolve on the wheels. The room is pretty shaft-y too, since from the floor to the ceiling is very, very far.

The driving wheel at the bottom just moves the other wheels which moves the cables.

Sorry for not being clear and thanks.

bdcharles
June 9th, 2016, 11:22 AM
He could make out the outline of the hoist system even in the dark. It was large and completely vertical. The hoist itself seemed like an extremely elongated ferris wheel, squished and made made entirely vertical. Thick cables set on wheels revolved vertically up the shaft of a room, bringing carts of tearstones from the depths of the mines to the upper levels. The base of the hoist was a huge, wheel-like mechanism laying horizontally. It seemed like it might have once been a grain mill but had been outfitted to move the hoist.


Mmm. There are alot of repetitions here which don't really help you, with all the vertically and horizontally and extremely and entirely. I do wonder why you're spending so much time describing this thing. By all means have it there, invoke it - but does it warrant this much attention. Rather than say it looks like something that has been retooled so as to be basically unrecognisable as the object you're describing it as, just depict it as is:

"He could make out two pulley wheels of the hoist, one in a steel frame some yards above the other, connected with a loop of chain that ran around them in an elongated oval, bringing carts of tearstones from the depths etc.etc.etc...."

Hope this helps :)

Terry D
June 9th, 2016, 03:26 PM
Does the hoist make a difference to the story? It's description is only important if the shape and workings of the thing are going to matter to the story. If it's just background you are going for, you can call it -- 'a huge mechanical wheel cobbled together from bits and pieces of ancient machines, a scarecrow of rusted steel and frayed cable' -- and let the reader picture it for themselves.

oenanthe
June 9th, 2016, 03:36 PM
Hi, I'm just working on finalizing chapter 4 of World Eater and there's a certain hoist mechanism that makes an appearance. I'm not sure if the description of the hoist is good or not. In this story slaves are mining a certain material called tearstones and the hoist is a mechanism that takes the stones up to the upper levels of the mines. Here's the description as of now:

He could make out the outline of the hoist system even in the dark. It was large and completely vertical. The hoist itself seemed like an extremely elongated ferris wheel, squished and made made entirely vertical. Thick cables set on wheels revolved vertically up the shaft of a room, bringing carts of tearstones from the depths of the mines to the upper levels. The base of the hoist was a huge, wheel-like mechanism laying horizontally. It seemed like it might have once been a grain mill but had been outfitted to move the hoist.

Does it make sense?


complete sense. you typed made twice, though.

I'm not even sure you need quite that much description, though. does the hoist system figure that largely in your plot?

Miseo
June 9th, 2016, 04:14 PM
As some people have asked, the hoist does make a difference to the story. It's the only thing connecting the lower levels of the mines to the upper levels some 100 meters above. It's used by the MC as a method to escape imprisonment. The mechanism at the bottom also is important for a later chapter.

afk4life
June 9th, 2016, 05:24 PM
I'd say pick something other than the vertically or horizontally. You've got the start which is imho also your answer, he sees it. Now describe his mind picking apart how it works based on him seeing it.

Miseo
June 9th, 2016, 07:42 PM
Thanks everyone. I incorporated the feedback and rewrote that part of the chapter. Now it's being described as he sees it and scales it. It's being kept simple but enough detail is being given to give off the shape and purpose of the device.