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columbo1977
June 6th, 2016, 09:11 PM
Hi There

I wrote a quote down a couple of weeks ago and just wrote the below from this. There is no story attached to this yet, it is merely a scene in a story. Let me know what you think:

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Passage from unnamed story

Rage coursed through him, never before had he felt like this, all of those other times he though he was furious were nothing compared to how he was feeling now, compared to the rage he felt those other times were leaves blowing in the gale that was his anger.

He glanced up, the clouds had turned dark in seconds and had gathered around his area, arcs of lightening lit the sky and struck the ground near him. He had tried to contain it but he was past caring now, it was too late. His will was manifest.

“It wasn’t my fault” came the whimpered shout from the man on the floor, shielding his eyes from the lightening and cowering lower, Corwin glanced down and the thunder roared.

It was then she walked up behind him, unseen until then she placed her hand on his shoulder, he flinched and more peals of thunder ripped through the landscape. The lightening was now centered on them, arcing down and striking the ground in a circle, the three people contained within. He felt her lean in “you cannot withstand the storm that is coming Corwin” she pleaded.

He turned facing her, his eyes now completely white and his face drained of emotion, she shrank back slightly at the rage on his face, the air around him crackling with power. “I am the storm” he uttered, his voice devoid of emotion. He glanced up and in response the lightening struck, like a five pointed star meeting in the middle, creating a sphere of pure electricity. “It ends now” he whispered, the noise barely heard in the maelstrom that surrounded him.

Tasia took a step back, dismay coloring her face, she could see it was too late; the deed was already done in his eyes. There was nothing she could do to stop it.

Corwin turned and raised his hand, the lightening brightened in response and the power crackled around him, he extended his hand pointing at the man on his knees, pointing his finger. “You will not hurt anyone else” he said as the power released. The sphere exploded downwards and struck him and at once it was as light as day.

As quick as it had started it was over, the clouds dissipated and Corwin studied the ruined earth where Cain had been, there was only a pile of ash where his body had been.

Tasia slumped to her knees “you know what this means” she wailed, pain etched on her face. Corwin turned to face her, his eyes were back to the fierce grey, but they were no less frightening. “I do” he stated, he raised his hand again and released a small amount of power, this time there was no lightening just a rush of wind and in front of him a portal formed. “Until next time, my love” he looked one last time, taking in every feature, then turned and stepped through. She didn’t have time tog et up before he was gone and the portal irised shut.

“I love you” she whispered sinking to the floor.

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Many Thanks

Graham

bdcharles
June 12th, 2016, 10:00 PM
Hi,

This is a pretty insane piece. What are these people - Gods, having some sort of lovers' spat? Interesting.

Some comments:

"Rage coursed through him, never before had he felt like this, all of those other times he though he was furious were nothing compared to how he was feeling now, compared to the rage he felt those other times were leaves blowing in the gale that was his anger."

I think you belabour this point a bit too much. Effectively, you are saying: "He was angry. Never before had he been this angry. All the other times he though he was angry before, he wasn't, compared to now. Compared to now he hadn't been angry before." Pick one assertion of his anger and one comparator, whichever are your favourites, amp it all up a bit with some anger imagery if you need to, and stick with it.


"He glanced up, the clouds had turned dark in seconds and had gathered around his area, arcs of lightening lit the sky and struck the ground near him." - this is a run on sentence, caused by comma splicing. I am reliably informed that in some languages it is valid grammar but English ain't one of 'em ;) Full stops (periods), conjunctions (and/but/while/because/yet/etc etc etc) and the like are your friends here, or you could rewrite in a different sentence structure. Comma splices are easy to miss because they read like speech sounds, as if everything happens as part of a list, but it doesn't quite translate to the written page. This is just one example; I have to be honest - there are more. :)


With this:
It was then she walked up behind him, unseen until then she placed her hand on his shoulder
"then" is repeated. You can probably remove the first three words "it was then" and the second "then"


With this:
He felt her lean in “you cannot withstand the storm that is coming Corwin” she pleaded.
Dialogue has a specific way it is punctuated, though there is a little bit of leeway depending what you do and how you want it to sound. Try something like:

She leaned in.
"You cannot withstand the storm that is coming, Corwin."

There, I removed the "he felt her" and just had her lean in because what do we care about? That she leaned in or that he felt it? Feeling actions is too much of an abstraction - just have the movement happen. We are already with Corwin's perspective so if he observes her leaning in, that's as good as telling us he felt it, if that makes any sense. I also removed the "she pleaded" because a. Her words are not a plea and b. to show that you can illustrate dialogue, and who spoke, just by juxtaposing the dialogue with an action by the speaker. Lastly I put it in a separate line for empahsis. Whether it stays on the same line or not is a matter of what effect you want to go for. There is no right or wrong way with that.

I would introduce - as in name - Tasia sooner.


Anyway, hope this helps. Your imagination has a good bit of oomph to it so don't let grammar errors do it a disservice. Good luck :)

columbo1977
June 20th, 2016, 08:17 AM
Hi,

This is a pretty insane piece. What are these people - Gods, having some sort of lovers' spat? Interesting.

When I started writing I didn't know who they were or what was happening. It is a man with an awakening power which is brought on by revenge against someone who has done something horrible to him and his love (the woman on the floor)



I think you belabour this point a bit too much. Effectively, you are saying: "He was angry. Never before had he been this angry. All the other times he though he was angry before, he wasn't, compared to now. Compared to now he hadn't been angry before." Pick one assertion of his anger and one comparator, whichever are your favourites, amp it all up a bit with some anger imagery if you need to, and stick with it.

A friend gave me allot of the same advice so I have changed this and a couple other of your points. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Graham

scubatim84
July 17th, 2016, 04:38 AM
Rage coursed through him, never before had he felt like this, all of those other times he though he was furious were nothing compared to how he was feeling now, compared to the rage he felt those other times were leaves blowing in the gale that was his anger.

Did you mean "thought"? I'm not sure if this is a spell checking issue or if you intended to use "though" instead.

Bard_Daniel
July 18th, 2016, 12:57 AM
bdcharles touched on the nuances of grammar that are important to know here. He has some great advice regarding them.

I thought the story was very interesting. There was a lot going on there. It was quite well done as well.

Good show and keep on writing!

Makili
July 19th, 2016, 03:48 PM
I liked the scene and the way it is written.
I wish I knew more about who they are, what kind of the world this is, why is he leaving?
And I thought that portal wasn't the most appropriate exit for someone who is the storm...

keepyourheadup
July 23rd, 2016, 02:32 PM
I really like this scene, it definitely makes me wish I knew more :)
The idea obviously has a lot going on but you managed to communicate it all really well in a short scene, which is pretty cool!

I think maybe this part:

Rage coursed through him, never before had he felt like this, all of those other times he though he was furious were nothing compared to how he was feeling now, compared to the rage he felt those other times were leaves blowing in the gale that was his anger.
Is still a little chunky.
Honestly it could just be
"He'd never felt like this before. Any time he'd thought he was furious in the past were nothing but leaves blowing in the gale of his rage."

Which uh
Still isn't perfect
But my point is I think maybe this part is a little redundant.
If you want to really drove home how mad he is, maybe try describing how he's feeling in physical terms.
Does his chest hurt, is his head light or is he oddly focused etc

Anyway other than that I really like it! Definitely an interesting concept to get from the quote.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Infel
September 14th, 2016, 04:12 AM
Really, really like the imagery. I'd be interested to see this as a longer piece. I particularly like the first line--though it could use some periods to break it up. The idea of wind whipping up into a storm, the image of something usually gentle and kind transforming into a hurricane gives me a sense of the character using the power. I would love if the character reflected his power -- usually calm and kind but a maelstrom if angered.

I would comment, though, that if he's this angry, he can't be devoid of emotion. You know, because he's about to zap the heck out of some poor bastard who offended him. He can speak emptily, but he can't be empty of emotion.

columbo1977
September 14th, 2016, 06:35 AM
Really, really like the imagery. I'd be interested to see this as a longer piece. I particularly like the first line--though it could use some periods to break it up. The idea of wind whipping up into a storm, the image of something usually gentle and kind transforming into a hurricane gives me a sense of the character using the power. I would love if the character reflected his power -- usually calm and kind but a maelstrom if angered.

I would comment, though, that if he's this angry, he can't be devoid of emotion. You know, because he's about to zap the heck out of some poor bastard who offended him. He can speak emptily, but he can't be empty of emotion.

Thanks for the message. I am going to work this passage into my NaNoWriMo novel this year so there should be something more to see in a few months :)

CrimsonAngel223
November 2nd, 2016, 09:06 PM
Good writing, I find it provocative with the descriptions and lengthy lines perhaps add some more metaphors or similes it's pretty good likewise.

columbo1977
November 2nd, 2016, 10:40 PM
Good writing, I find it provocative with the descriptions and lengthy lines perhaps add some more metaphors or similes it's pretty good likewise.

Cheers :)

MajorMagma
November 5th, 2016, 10:20 PM
Very nice. I like the details, and it's very deep.

Love it!