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StoneFrog
May 30th, 2016, 10:50 PM
Holding out his hand “Jenny look!” A cracked smile slapped across Harry’s face, it held back the bursting excitement of a new discovery. He knew Jenny would squirm at its sight, a reward for his endeavour. Treasured in his palm lay the moon shaped pupa with a texture of sea shells, he had been out collecting shells with his sister the year before. Ridges and valleys spawned rough and smooth, the gritty indents contrasted the soft milky peaks.

“Eh, ew! That’s disgusting Harry, you shouldn’t be touching that.” Announced Jenny, her face contorted in disgust; this was the reward the young boy had hoped for. All the time he was walking up the garden path he had imagined different reactions, faces of disgust and shock, maybe she would be intrigued; though this was not as interesting. He was sure he had hit the mark, the face which he had desired the most was his victory.

Similar scenes acted out and had filled their childhood, finding snails and all manner of gooey or crawling creatures. They were snatched up and held captive, finally present to his sibling whom would always reciprocate with acts of shock and revulsion.

Harry excited by his sister’s recoil, “c’mon it won’t bite, look it ain’t got no teeth.” He held it out even further now, lancing it towards his counterpart.

The specimen intruding her space, she responded by releasing a shriek. Jumping back she fell to the grass, her pale blue dress now grated with green. She kicked her feet out and fled around her brother, back toward the house. Desperate huffs and puffs were heard down the garden path. The paving stones releasing dried dust into the air, while she raced away.

Bathed in his admiration of his own triumph, he leant back on his heels and hovered over his catch. He had yet to study his find, earlier it took but a moment for him to identify it as a tool of terror. He squinted his eyes, the afternoon sun draped over his hands. A chrysalis-like membrane formed over the pupa, it had been illuminated clearer in the light; the milky ridges now almost translucent.

As he was aiming his head for another angle, he noticed a violet liquid pooling in his palm. A slight shudder ran up his arm, he clenched his teeth and stilled himself. No victory would be had if he fell victim himself, to his tool of terror. He was now ready to release his captive, now before his nerve cracked beneath him. He gripped the pupa, with his left hand in preparation to fling it into the neighbours’ garden.

He formed his motion to dispose of his trophy, as he pulled away, his hand which held the pupa trailed along. His right hand and the pupa were now adjoined, a still panic rose in him. There was some space between his hand and the base, connecting them where violet and peach coloured tendrils. Just below the skin grew out vein-like protrusions, they had passed his wrist and up his arm, further along, they showed less . Either they had yet to reach there, or perhaps had bored deeper away from the surface.

The stillness now shattered, a howling cry leapt into the air. If it were not him bellowing out this performance, there would have been the accustomed grin propped on his face. Instead, his face drew a long and grimace contortion, far out performing his sister in his new role. Soon the predictable thudding and puffing along the paving stones, the dry dust wisping in the air.

PrinzeCharming
May 31st, 2016, 06:49 AM
Hey StoneFrog,

I've noticed other members were inspired as well! I recently critiqued another inspired piece earlier today. I am pleased to see all the inspired submissions. You should definitely submit to the LM challenges when they pop up. I've been judging both LM and CoF a few times. If you want the scores, just let me know. I'll critique it as I would with a challenge. Feel free to use an open mind and take whatever you can to improve.

First, I'll admit the title is meh. It's the prompt. Nothing new, nothing exciting. There's always room for improvement to attract the reader.


Holding out his hand “Jenny look!” A cracked smile slapped across Harry’s face , it held back the bursting excitement of a new discovery. He knew Jenny would squirm at its sight, a reward for his endeavour. Treasured in his palm lay the moon shaped pupa with a texture of sea shells, he had been out collecting shells with his sister the year before. Ridges and valleys spawned rough and smooth, the gritty indents contrasted the soft milky peaks.

You forgot the comma here. Holding out his hand, "Jennylook!" You can express this as, "A cracked smile across Harry's face held back from bursting excitement of a new discovery." 'Seashells' is a compound word. Does the background information matter about his sibling bond and collecting shells? I like the imagery depicted here.


“Eh, ew! That’s disgusting Harry, you shouldn’t be touching that.” Announced Jenny, her face contorted in disgust; this was the reward the young boy had hoped for. All the time he was walking up the garden path he had imagined different reactions, faces of disgust and shock, maybe she would be intrigued; though this was not as interesting. He was sure he had hit the mark, the face which he had desired the most was his victory.

The announcement isn't needed. The disgust is already implied. The reward thing makes him sound sadistic. You continue to emphasize on the reactions. Here, do this. Omit the red. See, you still have the same message left behind. Boys will be boys.


Similar scenes acted out and had filled their childhood, finding snails and all manner of gooey or crawling creatures. They were snatched up and held captive, finally present to his sibling whom would always reciprocate with acts of shock and revulsion.

I can appreciate the sibling bond depicted here. You can refine this sentence more for clarity. Does this matter? You can effectively tell the story without this line. Go straight into showing the sister the gooey creatures.


Harry excited by his sister’s recoil, “c’mon it won’t bite, look it ain’t got no teeth.” He held it out even further now, lancing it towards his counterpart.

This is entertaining. Nice touch.


The specimen intruding her space, she responded by releasing a shriek. Jumping back she fell to the grass, her pale blue dress now grated with green. She kicked her feet out and fled around her brother, back toward the house. Desperate huffs and puffs were heard down the garden path. The paving stones releasing dried dust into the air, while she raced away.

Watch the verb tenses here. Intrud-ing. Respond-ed. Jump-ing. Kick-ed. I can definitely see this unfold.


Bathed in his admiration of his own triumph, he leant back on his heels and hovered over his catch. He had yet to study his find, earlier it took but a moment for him to identify it as a tool of terror. He squinted his eyes, the afternoon sun draped over his hands. A chrysalis-like membrane formed over the pupa, it had been illuminated clearer in the light; the milky ridges now almost translucent.

Interesting. I like how he reflects on his catch. One minute thinking as an advantage, the next as an exhibit.


There's a lot of potential for your story. You can easily refine this piece to make a smooth story flow to a stronger ending. It was enjoyable. I have a sister (nine years apart). I can relate to this. I still show her spiders and crickets up close. I usually take pictures instead of killing them. Thanks for sharing!

StoneFrog
May 31st, 2016, 10:19 AM
PrinzeCharming, thank you for your great feedback. You've given me a lot to think about, especially things I didn't need to add. I'm a little uncertain what I should include or not, when keeping to a word count.

escorial
May 31st, 2016, 12:02 PM
a charming story and very wispy delivery..like.

TheRedSharpie
May 31st, 2016, 06:02 PM
This is great. the only thing I'd mention is the use of a 'pupa' - I had to Google it. Maybe it's just me, but other readers might have similar problems. Perhaps go for some other mollusc, rather than something not fully formed - put apart from that, good work. :)

StoneFrog
May 31st, 2016, 09:06 PM
Thanks for the responses! Pupa wasn't my initial choice, but it fit the object better than my original 'cocoon.' Pupa is such an ugly word, ideally i would put more research in, finding the ideal word for it. If i decide to take the plot and create more from it, ill switch the word.

PrinzeCharming
June 1st, 2016, 12:43 AM
Thanks for the responses! Pupa wasn't my initial choice, but it fit the object better than my original 'cocoon.' Pupa is such an ugly word, ideally i would put more research in, finding the ideal word for it. If i decide to take the plot and create more from it, ill switch the word.

I knew what you were shooting for, but it did feel slightly odd. :P