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Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 01:54 AM
A few days ago I had the idea for this story. Synopsis can be found here: http://www.writingforums.com/threads/165947-Fantasy-Novel-Idea-Overview
I think I might want to switch to this story rather than my main story, because I feel that it would be good to get some experience writing before I start writing my main series. This might become a webnovel.Valentine lay on the concrete, a gentle breeze blowing across his face. His auburn hair danced over his green eyes. It was unnaturally dark for that time of day, so the city was illuminated by city lights. Valentine had a philosophy essay due, but he hadn’t worked on it at all. In fact, no one in his graduate level philosophy class probably worked on it. No one really cared to, not anymore. Why? Well, that probably had something to do with the planet up above.

Valentine spent the last half hour lying on top of a building, watching the large planet in the sky that kept plummeting closer and closer towards the Earth everyday. It appeared in the sky suddenly and without warning a month ago. The media had taken to calling the new planet Wormwood. Back then, it was slightly smaller than the moon. Now, the towering figure straight above Valentine took up most of the sky. Valentine knew, as did the entire population of Earth, that impact was certain.

When the Wormwood first appeared, people were intrigued. Some thought it was an alien ship coming to greet humans. Others took it as some sort of religious sign. Then it started moving closer. It didn't take long for the rioting and looting to begin. The chaos only worsened. Militaries had to be mobilized to handle the situation, since the riot police were rioting. Many governments and countries fell apart. The chaos quieted down since then, though only a little.

So why was Valentine able to relax like this, enjoying the breeze? Once he accepted the fact that the enormous planet wasn't going away, he began to think clearly about things. As Valentine lay there he wondered, why hasn’t the moon been thrust out of its orbit the moment the new planet appeared in the sky? Why hasn't the tide rose up and swallowed up any cities? Why hasn't the Earth been torn apart by the gravitational pull of this new Earth-sized planet? It all seemed very odd to him. He considered the thought that this new planet was only a projection of sorts, but this seemed implausible to him. How could such a thing be achieved?

“Sigh…” Valentine stood up and brushed the dust off his pants. Something in the right side of his vision drew his attention. There was another person, a young lady, standing at the ledge of a different building. She jumped off the building and a few seconds later a muffled thud rose to his ears. “Another one, huh…” Valentine was used to the sight. He saw it before, the sight of hopeless desperation. Millions of people all over the world had killed themselves over the past month.

Valentine took the elevator and descended the building. The government established a curfew weeks ago to help keep public order, and it was already getting late in the day. He wanted to get some food before going home. Maybe a hamburger. Although, considering the situation, many places were closed and the few that were still in business charged too much.

The sky grew markedly brighter as Valentine exited the large building. The sun peeked out from the edge of the planet in the sky, beginning its descent to Earth and preparing to set. Valentine basked in the light of the sun. The warm light melted away some of the gloom he’d been feeling. From the bottom of his heart, he truly enjoyed the few hours of sunlight available after sunrise and before sunset. Nearby, military vehicles drove along, and men uniformed in green and carrying M4 carbines patrolled the street. There were other people out and about too, and some of them were murmuring and huddled together to look at a strange sight on the ground. The body of the woman who flung herself from the other building lay in a pool of blood on the other side of the street. Her chest cavity collapsed upon impact and her head was cracked open. Her limbs bent in several directions.

Valentine felt his stomach curl and averted his eyes away from the gruesome sight. Even though he had seen these things before, it still made him nauseous. No longer feeling up to it, he decided to forgo dinner that day.

*Rumble*

“Whoa!” The ground trembled beneath Valentine as he struggled to remain standing. He groped for something to lean on, but there was nothing immediately nearby. The people nearby also started to lose their footing, and some of them fell down. After a minute the shaking subsided. “Was that an earthquake…?” Valentine asked himself.

*Rumble*

The earth-tremors intensified. Despite his battle to remain standing, Valentine fell to his knees. He surveyed the area. The tremors affected everyone, and left and right civilians and soldiers were unable to keep their balance. The asphalt roads started cracking with loud sounds, and the buildings waved like trees in the breeze, sounding out a cacophony of metalic groans and screeches. Windows shattered everywhere and glass shards rained down from the sky.

“Everyone, get inside! Take cover!” The soldiers yelled. The sounds of people panicking and screaming filled Valentine’s ears. The scene erupted into pure chaos as people fumbled about to squeeze inside whatever buildings they could.

“Kid, move!” Valentine called out to a young child who was frozen in place, confusion plastered on his face. The child was standing in front of the door to a supermarket building, and a crowd of panicked people rushed that way. “Get out!” It was too late, and the child was trampled underfoot by the frightened crowd. Valentine was unable to move. A cold sensation ran through his body and for a few moments he forgot how to breathe.

“Citizen! Move!” A soldier carrying a Remington M870 shotgun commanded. Valentine realized he didn't have time to be shocked. He struggled to stand, so the soldier pulled him up.

“What’s happening?” Valentine asked.

“Earthquake!” The soldier said.

“No… I don't think it's an earthquake!” Valentine said as he looked down. Small stones and shards of glass started to levitate and rise upwards. “Look! Can an earthquake do this?”

The soldier saw the floating debris and was baffled. “What in the world…?”

“I think the Earth is being torn apart by Wormwood’s gravity… But this doesn’t make sense!” Valentine couldn't make sense of the situation. Why was the Earth unaffected by this planet’s gravity before? At that moment the upwards pull became stronger, and more debris started to shoot upwards.

“Waaah!?” Valentine felt as if a giant, invisible hand grabbed him and tried to tear him away from the Earth and drag him towards Wormwood. The people around him were largely unaffected by the strange pull.

“Citizen!” The soldier cried out and grabbed hold of the airborne Valentine’s hand. “Don't let go of my hand!”

“Of course I won't!”

“Damn… I can’t reach!” The soldier said as he tried with all his might to take hold of a streetlight pole with his free hand.

“C’mon! Try harder!”

“I… can’t!” The soldier mustered all his strength and tried to walk towards the streetlight, but was unable to conquer the strength of Valentine’s upward pull.

“Dammit!” Valentine exclaimed. “Let me go!”

“I won’t!”

“Stop being stubborn! If you let go you can escape!”

“I won’t do that just to save myself!” The soldier gave one last excruciating cry as he inched toward the streetlight. This time he managed to grab hold of it. He yelled out as he wrapped his arm around it. “Got it!”

“Really!?” Valentine said. “Yes! Pull me down!”

The soldier grunted as he tried to pull Valentine down, but the force pulling upward grew in strength.

“Argh! My arm!” Valentine felt a horrible burning sensation running through his arm. He could feel his arm stretching at its joints. The muscles felt like they would tear at any moment. “It’s going to break! Hurry!”

“God dammit!” The soldier held on to the streetlight’s pole with all his strength, but still started sliding up the pole. “I can’t… hold on…!”

“Don't let go of the pole!”

“FUUUUUUCK!” The soldier kept sliding up the streetlight, his attempts to hold on proving largely futile. Wormwood’s pull overcame their efforts, and both the soldier and Valentine were released from the safety of the streetlight flew upwards.

“No!” Valentine tried to release the soldier’s grip on his hand before they were too high up so the soldier could have a better chance to escape at least, but the soldier wouldn't let go.

Both the soldier and Valentine flew higher and higher into the sky, towards Wormwood. The last thing Valentine saw was a blinding flash of light. Then, only darkness.

Boofy
May 29th, 2016, 02:04 AM
Well I like the concept a lot. Kind of reminds me of a Doctor Who plot. It'd be really nice to see that vibe pan out over the course of a book. Always did feel that the modern maximum two parter episodes were a little rushed.

You went straight into the action and didn't overload too much on details. That's tricky in this genre! I like that Valentine had an essay due and that things have become so normal, the planet, the suicides, that he can think idly about those sorts of things. I like that he's desensitised to it all. I wonder whether you could maybe establish more of an emotional connection with the character before things start to tumble into chaos? I don't know whether there's any hope of coming back/saving the planet though I'd presume there may be? In any case, the mention of a bond with a family member or something could push me to sympathise with Valentine just a little more to really make me fret for his welfare!

It's an amazing start, anyway. I'd be interested in reading more in the future :3

Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 02:15 AM
Well I like the concept a lot. Kind of reminds me of a Doctor Who plot. It'd be really nice to see that vibe pan out over the course of a book. Always did feel that the modern maximum two parter episodes were a little rushed.

You went straight into the action and didn't overload too much on details. That's tricky in this genre! I like that Valentine had an essay due and that things have become so normal, the planet, the suicides, that he can think idly about those sorts of things. I like that he's desensitised to it all. I wonder whether you could maybe establish more of an emotional connection with the character before things start to tumble into chaos? I don't know whether there's any hope of coming back/saving the planet though I'd presume there may be? In any case, the mention of a bond with a family member or something could push me to sympathise with Valentine just a little more to really make me fret for his welfare!

It's an amazing start, anyway. I'd be interested in reading more in the future :3

Thank you. I'll admit, for now I'm just going with the flow. Normally I plan things out extensively, but this story hasn't been planned out too much. It's kind of chapter by chapter. That being said, it also means I am very open to suggestions, and you gave me a lot of good ones.

I think you're right, I do need to do something to get an emotional connection to the character, soon if possible. Especially since the story is action from the start and only keeps going at that pace for a long while before things calm down.

Edit: if it helps you sympathize, his first name is Velvet. His parents thought it would be funny to give him a girl's name. They were drunk.

Boofy
May 29th, 2016, 02:20 AM
Oh lordy. That one hit my right in the sympathy gland. How drunk are we talking here? Ha. Well if you ever need a spare pair of eyes on your work, I can go through it for you. Just inbox me whenever. I can fine tooth comb for grammar or give you a more general impression :3

Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 02:26 AM
Thank you. I hope that wouldn't inconvenience you. I should also mention, the series gets pretty dark. Not sure if you're into that whole thing.

I was also considering publishing these on another website I know (one that deals entirely with webnovels) as a webnovel series. I'd probably wait until there's at least several chapters done though.

Randy_Mordoc
May 29th, 2016, 04:55 AM
Hi Miseo.

This was an interesting story.

One thing I didn't like though, is the fact that the name Valentine was mentioned far too many times, making it repetitive.

Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 05:02 AM
Huh. You might be right. I'll go through it and see. Should be easy enough to fix... Guess I can make those changes next time I edit the source text. Anyway, thanks.

KThoughts
May 29th, 2016, 06:00 AM
Wow... this is just amazing! From the first chapter this is already interesting! You made me impressed with this I don't normally read Sci-fi but this is just superb and I was about to question the nature of the tides, gravity and stuff but you explained some things already when I had the question in mind. What a way to catch on!

I like to read more of this story it's so mysterious! The way that you ended this chapter I am like "What? That's it?? I need more!!", Good thing I found this thread already
Keep it up!

Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 06:13 AM
Wow... this is just amazing! From the first chapter this is already interesting! You made me impressed with this I don't normally read Sci-fi but this is just superb and I was about to question the nature of the tides, gravity and stuff but you explained some things already when I had the question in mind. What a way to catch on!

I like to read more of this story it's so mysterious! The way that you ended this chapter I am like "What? That's it?? I need more!!", Good thing I found this thread already
Keep it up!
I'm glad you liked it :) I know that you don't really like horror though, so I feel like I should let you know that this story - like pretty much everythig I write - is rather dark. There are going to be a few really cringey moments too. Dark fantasy is pretty much all I deal in after all... So I take it as a big compliment that you liked my first chapter.

KThoughts
May 29th, 2016, 06:22 AM
I'm glad you liked it :) I know that you don't really like horror though, so I feel like I should let you know that this story - like pretty much everythig I write - is rather dark. There are going to be a few really cringey moments too. Dark fantasy is pretty much all I deal in after all... So I take it as a big compliment that you liked my first chapter.

I'm actually writing Dark Fantasy now since I like to improve as an author, writing something very dark actually needs a creative mind and I like to give an applause for you and cringey moments that you might add in the story... well... I already read a lot cringey romance stories... heh.. Okay now I am curious about these cringey moments if it's something quite dark bring it on!

Miseo
May 29th, 2016, 06:30 AM
I'm actually writing Dark Fantasy now since I like to improve as an author, writing something very dark actually needs a creative mind and I like to give an applause for you and cringey moments that you might add in the story... well... I already read a lot cringey romance stories... heh.. Okay now I am curious about these cringey moments if it's something quite dark bring it on!
That's admirable. I salute you.

Abubakar
May 30th, 2016, 05:11 PM
It's pretty good .I definitely wasn't bored and I really I want to see how you handle the next chapter .Have you already started on it ?

Anyways if you want a bit of criticism from my end than I'll say that the name "Valentine" is mentioned too often though someone else has already pointed that out .

Miseo
May 30th, 2016, 05:26 PM
It's pretty good .I definitely wasn't bored and I really I want to see how you handle the next chapter .Have you already started on it ?

Anyways if you want a bit of criticism from my end than I'll say that the name "Valentine" is mentioned too often though someone else has already pointed that out .
Thank you. And yeah... I realized I said the name too often. Problem is, when writing, I kept accidentally writing Vincent instead of Valentine, so I forced myself to write Valentine to get used to it. I kinda overdid it... I changed the source material on my iPad already. I tried to do it less often in chapter 2. Chapter 2 is done, I just need to revise it before posting it.