View Full Version : Section from "The Angel of Death" (*Language warning)

Apex Predator
September 26th, 2015, 11:01 PM
It all started with a secret meeting. Locked and hidden away from the ever watchful eyes of the night watch, Captain Joseph Mort took extreme precaution in selecting the few men whom he knew that he could trust. In the moldy basement of an ageing warehouse, Joseph along with five other men congregated around an old table - lit by only by a single candle- to discuss a most daring endevour.

“I don’t like this spot,” whispered Ramsay, “We’ll be discovered.”

“No we won’t,” whispered Schubert, “The Guards would never investigate a condemned building.”

“Quite! Both of you,” snapped Captain Mort, “We don’t have much time so let's just get to the point of it; I think you gentleman all know why I’ve asked to speak with you right here and now.”

“You want us to help you escape the Zone don’t you?” questioned Pollock. The look of both disgust and frustration was eminent on his face.

“Need I remind you that even if you do muster enough food, water, and ammo for yourself; it’s still a question of getting past the guard towers, the fences, and sensors.” remarked Stevens, “Even if you do escape, the area outside the Zone is classified as Fallout - you’d never survive!”

“No, it’s nothing like that” said Mort, “I’ve got something a bit more grand in mind.”

“May I ask like what?” questioned Coe; his face still bandaged and his arm inside a fresh cast.

Mort took a deep breath, for he knew that his fellow comrades would most likely gawk at such a statement, but he knew that it had to be said.

“Gentleman, we can’t go on like this. It’s been eighteen months since we’ve been living in this hellhole that they call Emergency Relief Zone 223; in that time I have seen the worst of what my fellow man has had to offer. When ERZ 233 was established, I was certain that it was done with the best intentions. That it would a place where the fallout survivors - myself included - could start a new life. Clearly, we were proven wrong!”

“We’re all aware of the shit that goes on inside the Zone,” Ramsey interrupted, “Are you just gonna ramble on about what we already know?”

“No,” Mort spoke calmly, “But I think it’s best that we be reminded of how we all got to this point. You see, the reason I asked you five gentleman here tonight is because I know it can trust you. I have served two tours in Afghanistan with both First Lieutenant Schubert and Captain Ramsay. You both are like brothers to me. As for Second Lieutenant Pollock and Sergeant Major Coe, I’ve worked exclusively with you both at Camp Cook - I know you guys can be trusted to keep a secret. As for Warrant Officer Stevens, you are a family man with a wife and kids - I’m well aware of your hatred here and that you want things to change as much as I do. That’s the reason why I’ve asked you all to come this night.”

“Pardon the impatience, but will you get to the fucking point!” snapped Pollock.

“I’m getting there!” Mort spoke sternly. “The first few week of living in ERZ 233 was shall I say - Ok. We had about eight thousand people living in thirty-four square blocks of quarantine. It was rough I’ll admit for each and everyone of us; but we made it work. Everybody always had food to eat, clean water to drink, we had enough electric for basic commodities, enough medicine and staff to care the sick and wounded, had enough tents and cots for every family, we were even allowed to peacefully assemble where we wanted -”

“Until that son of a bitch Talbot took over!” Stevens interrupted.

Mort paused. Everyone else stared at Stevens in a most awkward silence.

“Yes,” Mort continued, “Until Colonel Craig Talbot took command of ERZ 233 about a year ago, that’s when things started going to shit! Radio contact with the surrounding ERZ camps stopped. The weekly airdrops eventually became bi-weekly, then monthly, then eventually supply drops stopped all together. Talbot runs this place like Auschwitz more than a refugee zone! That’s the core reason we are here tonight gentleman; I think it’s about time we had a new camp leader!”

“Are you suggesting that we terminate the colonel's command?” Schubert remarked.

“Not just terminate” said Mort, “I am proposing an all out coup against Talbot and those sum bitch zombies that he calls his Guards!”

September 29th, 2015, 06:02 AM
The first thing I would look into for this piece is dialogue tags. Personally, I prefer them to be as simple as possible; leave as much up to the reader as possible, blah blah blah. The "whispered"s and the "questioned"s and the like don't really do it for me. That's a personal stylistic issue, but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention it.

The next thing: there is a lot of exposition here. The majority of what Mort says is just detailing what has gone on before. Showing it, or not being so detailed right away, or even parsing it out over a longer stretch of narrative would give the reader time to absorbed, analyze, and appreciate what they've just read.

My last thing is just to say that I think this excerpt really speaks to a much deeper and very interesting story. You've set up an interesting premise from this short text alone, which is impressive. Good luck with it!