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Rojack79
September 26th, 2015, 02:17 AM
Prologue. August, 5th, 2015.

Axle looked up at the black roiling clouds above him in the sky. He put his bloody hand’s on his chest as the deluge continued to pure down overhead. “Is this it?” He sighed as the wind, and rain swirled around him, it’s fury fueled by thick dark cloud’s over head. His grief called out from the darkest depths of his pain numbed mind. “Is this how my life will come to an end? In a dark cold abyss?”

He shivered in his cold, blood, and rain soaked cloth’s. “Cold, lonely, and surrounded by darkness, slowing going numb and having crimson liquid filling up my lung’s.” He shuddered at the thought. He looked around himself. “No one in sight.”

He shook his head. His mind was fractured right now. He had propped himself on the ally way wall but he was in to much pain to register anything else. Another wave of pain racked his body as he began to cough up some blood. After his fit he didn’t have the strength to stand and ended up laying down on the cold asphalt resting against the brick wall of an ally way building. He brought his hand up to his face. With all of the rain that was falling thanks’ to Tucson’s furious monsoon’s all of the blood on it was gone. “Good riddance.” He sighed “Not like I need any more reminders of my failure’s, to hang around.”

He let his hand flop to his side as he contemplated his last few days. His life was not the best but now it was coming to a slow and painful end. The only reason he was here right now was the shitty news’s he got a few day’s ago. His land lord wanted his long overdue rent money and instead of coming to a deal the evil bastered had kicked Axle out on the street’s.

“Humph short, fat, greedy, piece of shit.” He muttered under his breath. Didn’t seem to matter anyway. With his stab wound’s he wouldn’t live long enough to complain about much of anything. The monsoon that was raging on ever since the middle of the day had subsided and in its place was a fresh red hued sky as a beautiful sunset came to after the dark raging storm. Axle looked up into the crimson sky and saw something he had never seen before. “Wow couldn’t have picked a better day to die.”

Over head Axle saw his first and most likely last meteor shower. He chuckled to himself as his father’s word’s echoed in his mind. “Make a wish bud.” As stupid as the idea sounded he made a wish while the sky still blazed on. He made his wish, to have a second chance, to do his life over again.

The last thing he saw in this world was a bright flash of light from the heaven’s. Then his life was extinguished as his vision swam with dark shape’s all around him.

CraniumInsanium
September 26th, 2015, 08:26 AM
Hi Rojack79, this was a fun read!

You did a good job being descriptive and in the small amount of space used managed to intrigue my attention in Axle. The only suggestion I'd make is try and avoid using repetitious words when transitioning to Narration to the MC's subconscious/thought process. For instance in the second paragraphs first two sentences you used cold twice. Perhaps that could be snipped down into something like:

Filthy and exhausted, Axle shivered in his soaked clothing. Only the shadows of the alley knew he was there, growing longer while his lungs filled with fluid.

All in all good job!
Just out of curiosity, is your avatar Sly Cooper?

Rojack79
September 26th, 2015, 05:07 PM
Wow. Thank you for the critique. I will definitely try and avoid using repetitious word. Umm not that i know of. This is the closest picture i could find that matched my fursona when i was looking for one so i chose this one.

Rumpleteazer
September 27th, 2015, 12:51 AM
Pretty good start. Just of couple of spelling and grammar issues - 2nd sentence I presume you mean pour down rather than pure. Also there are a few unnecessary apostrophes - picky I know, but it's a pet hate of mine!

Harper J. Cole
September 27th, 2015, 03:35 PM
Rojack79,

Thanks for posting. It's an interesting teaser; I'm guessing that Axle's going to get his chance to do things differently? The idea has potential.

I agree with Rumpleteazer that apostrophes are a bit of a problem for you; fortunately you're making the same mistake each time, so it's easy to fix.


Prologue. August, 5th, 2015.

Axle looked up at the black roiling clouds above him in the sky. He put his bloody hand’s on his chest as the deluge continued to pure down overhead. “Is this it?” He sighed as the wind, and rain swirled around him, it’s fury fueled by thick dark cloud’s over head. His grief called out from the darkest depths of his pain numbed mind. “Is this how my life will come to an end? In a dark cold abyss?”

He shivered in his cold, blood, and rain soaked cloth’s. “Cold, lonely, and surrounded by darkness, slowing going numb and having crimson liquid filling up my lung’s.” He shuddered at the thought. He looked around himself. “No one in sight.”

He shook his head. His mind was fractured right now. He had propped himself on the ally way wall but he was in to much pain to register anything else. Another wave of pain racked his body as he began to cough up some blood. After his fit he didn’t have the strength to stand and ended up laying down on the cold asphalt resting against the brick wall of an ally way building. He brought his hand up to his face. With all of the rain that was falling thanks’ to Tucson’s furious monsoon’s all of the blood on it was gone. “Good riddance.” He sighed “Not like I need any more reminders of my failure’s, to hang around.”

He let his hand flop to his side as he contemplated his last few days. His life was not the best but now it was coming to a slow and painful end. The only reason he was here right now was the shitty news’s he got a few day’s ago. His land lord wanted his long overdue rent money and instead of coming to a deal the evil bastered had kicked Axle out on the street’s.

“Humph short, fat, greedy, piece of shit.” He muttered under his breath. Didn’t seem to matter anyway. With his stab wound’s he wouldn’t live long enough to complain about much of anything. The monsoon that was raging on ever since the middle of the day had subsided and in its place was a fresh red hued sky as a beautiful sunset came to after the dark raging storm. Axle looked up into the crimson sky and saw something he had never seen before. “Wow couldn’t have picked a better day to die.”

Over head Axle saw his first and most likely last meteor shower. He chuckled to himself as his father’s word’s echoed in his mind. “Make a wish bud.” As stupid as the idea sounded he made a wish while the sky still blazed on. He made his wish, to have a second chance, to do his life over again.

The last thing he saw in this world was a bright flash of light from the heaven’s. Then his life was extinguished as his vision swam with dark shape’s all around him.

None of the words I've highlighted in red should have an apostrophe; they're all plurals, whereas apostrophes are used for possessives and abbreviations. Fixing these will greatly improve the flow of your story.

HC

Rojack79
September 27th, 2015, 05:54 PM
Thanks all of you for your help. The apostrophes are the one thing that keeps popping up when ever i write. But thanks for being nice about it. These reviews are much better than the one i got about my FanFic so now i'm in a happy mood and will continue writing.

Rojack79
October 19th, 2015, 05:52 AM
Hey every one. Well now things are going to get interesting. So i have decided to go along with this story idea of mine and i now have made this little tid bit i have posted up here as a prologue for the story. Now this story is going to be uploaded in the Multi chapter (http://www.writingforums.com/forums/221-Multi-Chapter-and-Collected-Works-NFP) section as The Chronicle's of The Apocalypse. I will post the revised Prologue and as a way of saying thank you to all of those people who have supported me i'm going to add a little surprise.