View Full Version : Paragraph from story

September 26th, 2015, 12:12 AM
I stared into her emerald blue eyes that had a greenish hue to them. For what seemed forever, I looked into those playful gems. She smirked, little uncomfortably, and said, “Do I have something in my eye?”
“No.” I replied abruptly. Inside, a peaceful wave crashed against the beach that was my body as I continued my expedition of exploring those eyes and the beautiful being behind them. Crumbling, like an ancient stone wall, pieces of me fell off and into the abyss that is love for the angelic girl across from me.
She laughed and looked away, red in the cheeks, like a cherry, “Stop being so weird then! What do you want to do?” I smiled and looked towards the cloudless ocean blue sky.

Thoughts? I felt as if I over wrote it just a tad, but tell me what do you think! Short bit of writing, but what seems like a turning point.

September 26th, 2015, 12:25 AM
My take is that you've a fairly ordinary couple of sentences there, buried in a mountain of verbiage.

I'm sorry, but writing is about conveying a story. It should capture the reader's attention, then hold such in moving quickly and lightly along, with discernible depth. Develop your characterizations and situations as needed, dribbling in enough setting for the reader's mind's eye, and move the story along ;-)

I hope this helped in some small way and wish you every success.

May the pen be with you.

Kate Tiller
September 26th, 2015, 07:55 AM
It could be good for sure. Trim the fat, add more body. No matter what, keep going.

September 26th, 2015, 12:09 PM
Personally I don't mind going contemplative for a while if there is a turning point as you state. I've had no qualms about stretching a tentative kiss over a couple of paragraphs of deep soul-searching in my writing. What I find doesn't work in your piece is the conflict between the images. They ought to connect and flow into each other rather than appearing to stand separately, suggesting that you've had a job lot of ideas and thrown them all in for good measure. I can't figure out how the waves on the beach are smashing it like a stone wall which falls into an abyss. In my perception of that image all the water falls down the abyss instead of hitting the wall and also I can't understand how the grains of sand on the beach suddenly became solid stone, although if they did one could understand why it then crumbled so easily. It's too much of a jumble of metaphors and similes to hang together to my mind. Now if it had been the reverse and the wave had pulverised the stone into sand and carried it away into the abyss I might have been on board with it. Get the imagery clear in your mind before describing it and then do that concisely. You're basically saying that love, or maybe infatuation, breaks down and washes away the insubstantial sandcastles of supposition in the mind.

The sentence describing the colour of her eyes went on too long for me as well. That's another candidate for more concise treatment I think. Also "red in the cheeks, like a cherry" could easily be contracted into "her cheeks cherry red" without losing anything. Yes, there's lots of room for putting all of this across more concisely without losing any of the mood.

Don't lose the ideas though; keep them coming. Originality comes from mixing strange ingredients together. Just take care to mould them into an integrated form that flows like a poem, a river of words.

Renaissance Man
October 3rd, 2015, 04:17 PM
I think for a guy in love the verboseness was accurate. I agree it can and should be expanded.

November 4th, 2015, 02:04 AM
I think you should be more of telling the story than making some good sentences that seem to interfere the flow of the story.