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AtleanWordsmith
September 22nd, 2015, 03:05 PM
Just toying around with a concept. As I flesh it out a bit more, I'll be telling the story through my blog. This may or may not be a bit of a self-insert story, so you should probably know that before you read, in case you're automatically turned off by that kind of thing. It's an experiment that I've never tried before, so... it'll be interesting to see how it turns out. I also plan to get back to my other stories eventually. Inspiration comes and goes, one day I'll actually complete a project. Until then, enjoy!


"How much further?"

"I don't know."

"I think that thing's broken."

"It's still glowing, means she's somewhere out there."

"Friends!"

"Oh, good, you know a word. Shut up, already."

"Friends!"

"Please tell it to shut up."

Three figures appeared in the fog. The first was a young man with the rough shape of a pear. A soft glow emanated from the crystal in his hand. The second, about half his height before the rabbit ears, was a robot whose white plastic shell was pitted and dented in places. Aside from the ears, it could have passed for a decent spaceman. A large orange circle moved about its face as if it were scanning the environment around them.

There wasn't anything to see, of course, they'd been walking across the flat, rocky expanse for ages, blinded by the thick fog. It was a situation that the third member of their party took great pleasure in complaining about. He was a stocky tomcat with malevolent eyes, who called himself the Admiral.

"I'm not going to tell him to shut up," the young man said, tucking the crystal back into his pocket, "Besides, nobody's forcing you to stick around."

"Yeah, but if I went, you'd be completely lost," the Admiral said, "I'm not going to be responsible for that."

The party trudged on in silence for a while, until the fog began to lighten. Ribbons of light began to cut through, and the three of them emerged into daylight. A green landscape rolled away around them in all directions, dotted by solitary trees. When they turned back, the fog was gone, and so was the flat landscape they'd traversed for so long.

"I guess we made it," the young man said.

"Yeah, some destination," the Admiral replied, "As a reward for all your walking, here's some more walking."

"Friends!"

The Admiral gave the young man a pained look, and the young man ignored him, instead fishing the crystal out of his pocket. It let off its soft glow, which was accompanied by a soft smile.

"I don't see why you keep on with this," the Admiral said, "Plenty of girls back where you came from, weren't there?"

"I'm not taking romantic advice from a cat," the young man said, "I just hope she knows I'm out here."

"She probably doesn't."

"Shut up."

"Friends!"

Harper J. Cole
September 22nd, 2015, 06:32 PM
It's a fun teaser; this could shape up to be a nice SF take on the 'strange bedfellows' concept.


The party trudged on in silence for awhile

This is setting off my spider-sense. I think 'a while' is correct; if you want to use 'awhile' you need to drop the 'for' before it.

HC

AtleanWordsmith
September 22nd, 2015, 11:05 PM
Yeah, you're right there, Harper. Good eye!

Thaumiel
September 22nd, 2015, 11:48 PM
Hodor
I am Groot
Friends!

Try and take that image out of your head now... Is it going to get more dialogue options or be like that forever? [I suppose the rest of have to wait and see.]

At the moment, I would happily continue reading.

JudyLea64
September 23rd, 2015, 08:23 PM
Since I'm in the exploratory stages in my writing journey, I'm checking out different kinds of pieces. I don't really read sci-fi or fantasy. The robot makes me think sci-fi, but the crystal and the cat make me think fantasy, so forgive me if I seem clueless. I am intrigued by your concept and would like to find out where it goes. I want to know who the man is looking for and where she went. I also want to know what's up with the cat. I like him.

I do have one question. What is a self-insert story? See - clueless. :confused:

Joe_Bassett
September 23rd, 2015, 08:33 PM
I meant to like the post rather than lol at it. Stupid phone screen!

AtleanWordsmith
September 23rd, 2015, 08:38 PM
It's all right, I'll take the LOLs where I can get 'em. Hundred more and I get a shiny medal.

Judy, a self-insert is where you basically insert yourself as a character. It's an infamous style that often goes wrong because people tend to play themselves up a bit. In this case, the young man'll share a lot of my traits, good and bad, but won't actually be me.

As far as the genre, fantasy is a pretty good blanket term for what I've got going on here.

thunderbird-and-pen
September 23rd, 2015, 08:51 PM
I'm looking forward to future posts! I echo James' question, though, about the dialogue - that can (and will) get tiresome quickly. Interesting so far, I look forward to the next pieces. Will you be putting a link to your blog in your signature, so we can follow it? (Or does WF have a personal blog feature that I don't know about?)

Thanks!

Never mind, found your blog. Maybe I should click more, talk less. :)

CraniumInsanium
September 24th, 2015, 08:26 AM
Curses. I meant to do some forum lurking before going into work, but this kicked my sci-fi sense into high gear for some reason. Now I'm hurriedly re-reading a comical sci-fi short I started loosely inspired by Calvin and Hobbes; Spaceman Spiff.

Inertesting concept btw. A bit Dark Tower reminiscent, although The Wizard of Oz came to mind first. Friends all taking a trek down a road in an unknown land, that kinda concept and all.

Björn U. B.
September 29th, 2015, 12:13 PM
I think there's some cool character design in there. I especially liked the grumpy Admiral. So I think you've got a good basis there. However, I'm not sure about the very beginning. I think it is always hard to begin with a dialogue, where it's not quite clear who is speaking at the moment. That confused me a bit. Maybe try to begin with a small paragraph that briefly outlines the setting and who's there speaking. Just a suggestion. All in all cool stuff.

Schroeder
October 5th, 2015, 07:25 AM
I gotta say, I'm kinda intrigued. This is a pretty nice little taste... I hope you continue this.

Renaissance Man
October 12th, 2015, 07:16 AM
The friends thing was a bit confusing as to who was speaking. I liked the general concept. Intriguing certainly eluding to a much larger story.

AtleanWordsmith
October 12th, 2015, 10:48 PM
Thanks, guys, appreciate the feedback!


Maybe try to begin with a small paragraph that briefly outlines the setting and who's there speaking.
Thanks for your input! This was meant to be a teaser for a larger piece of work, to see whether I'd get a positive response. Fortunately, I have, and I've already started writing it, but I plan to take this into consideration, and hopefully things'll be a little clearer. I'm always happy to receive feedback, got to embrace any chance to grow as a writer.