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chase1423
September 19th, 2015, 08:31 PM
Sitting in the clearing, I looked out upon the valley below that was being overtaken by autumn. It was late October and the trees where shining in their vibrant sweaters made of oranges and yellows. A slight breeze blew from behind which, luckily, was not overpowering. The warmth of my golden retriever against my right thigh helped combat the chill. I looked down to his golden fur, matted with stickers and sweat. I knew I would later spend hours slaving over getting his fur clean. We, the dog and I, had been hiking in a valley that had not been encroached on by modern civilization. The break in which we were taking was necessary for the going was rough.
The whole thing was very serene and for once in a long time, the world seemed calm. I needed the break from everyone, so naturally, I drove hours outside the city and found a valley in which I thought would clear the fog that had been blinding my mind. Out of my camelback, which had been full but now was running low, I sipped cold water and sighed. Buddy looked at me with greedy eyes, so I took out his bowl and poured the clear liquid in it. I never saw Buddy drink faster than he did then.


I wrote these two paragraphs out of a depressing boredom, should I continue? and what do you all think? Feedback appreciated greatly. Thanks!

kilroy214
September 19th, 2015, 09:44 PM
It sounds like a nice start to something interesting. By the end I got the feeling something was about to happen. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or not, but it felt like a nice build up, none the less.

Your SPaag looked fairly clean.
My only nits are that the opening line felt a little awkward. It kind of has a passive tone, the way it starts off. If it started off, "I sat in the clearing, looking into the valley below..." it feels like a stronger opening.
But that's my own opinion, and I've been known to be wrong. (On several occasions, depending who you ask :) )

The other is that dogs don't sweat, so unless it is the main character's sweat that is matting the dog's fur, that might need some retooling.

Looks like a good start. I'd like to see if this blossums into anything further.

Blade
September 19th, 2015, 09:54 PM
It looks to me like you have managed to establish a setting but the only story, so to speak, is the MC's escape from something that we are not yet informed about. It is a little rough at this point.


Sitting in the clearing, I looked out upon the valley below that was being overtaken by autumn. It was late October and the trees where shining in their vibrant sweaters made of oranges and yellows. A slight breeze blew from behind which, luckily, was not overpowering. The warmth of my golden retriever against my right thigh helped combat the chill. I looked down to his golden fur, matted with stickers and sweat. I knew I would later spend hours (?) slaving over getting his fur clean(cleaning his fur?). We, the dog and I, had been hiking in a valley that had not been encroached on by modern civilization. The break in which we were taking was necessary for the going was rough.

The whole thing (scene?) was very serene and for once in a long time, the world seemed calm. I needed the break from everyone, so naturally, I drove hours outside the city and found a valley in which I thought would clear the fog that had been blinding my mind (fog is blinding?). Out of my camelback (WTF?), which had been full but now was running low, I sipped cold water and sighed. Buddy looked at me with greedy eyes, so I took out his bowl and poured the clear liquid (? redescribing water?)in (into) it. I never saw Buddy drink faster than he did then.

I have highlighted in red stuff I think could be omitted and inserted some little comments here and there. (Personally I have never of heard of the term 'camelback' though it may be common somewhere.:confused:) Generally this strikes me as a bit of a warmup that points back toward the motivation for the hike. Good luck with it.:encouragement:

chase1423
September 20th, 2015, 08:31 AM
See, I though dogs sweated so thanks for informing me on that! I'll make the changes. Also a camelback is a backpack that is basically a big sack of water with a hose you can sip out of.
And, when I say clean I meant brush but at the time of writing I felt as it saying brushing was too awkward? It was also one of those times where I couldn't remember the word, brush. A tip of the tongue type moment! Thanks for the feedback

JudyLea64
September 20th, 2015, 08:41 PM
Being new to this community and just starting out on my creative writing journey, it feels a little uncomfortable to give feedback. I guess I have to start somewhere.

I think this is a good start to a story. It sets a lovely scene and I want to know why the character needed to get away. Why does his/her brain feel foggy. It's like something has been building and something big is about to happen.

I like your description of the setting, especially the "vibrant sweaters" metaphor.

I think others have provided you with great feedback as far as editing. I don't have anything to add to that. Hope you will continue the story and share more.

HoivinRossi
December 8th, 2016, 03:06 AM
I think you should of included a bit more story in it, but other wise it seems good. You should definitely continue!

JaneC
December 10th, 2016, 10:03 PM
I enjoyed it and agree with some of the comments listed above - particularly the comment about the camelback. I didn't know what that was so thanks for explaining! :) It is a good start to something and would enjoy reading more.

Roo2503
January 2nd, 2017, 09:55 PM
Hey there...

I don't think anyone should ever ask 'should I continue,' at the first draft stage. We all feel insecure about our work at this stage and most of us wonder whether or not we should continue with out work. If you enjoyed writing it then the writing was a success. I suggest you focus less on the outcome and more on the process. Get the first draft done before you even think of showing it to anyone else. Try and enjoy it as well. It really helps I think.

WordAddict
January 12th, 2017, 07:37 PM
You set the stage nicely for the story to come. I wondered, though if the trees might be 'shivering' rather than 'shining' in their vibrant sweaters.... (Where I live it is cold and trees do shiver in October). It's a great sentence in either case.

I look forward to your next chapter.

Gomer_Ashby
January 12th, 2017, 07:43 PM
Throw the main character and Buddy into some uncomfortable or unfortunate situation!

Bard_Daniel
January 13th, 2017, 01:03 AM
You've got something to work with but you need to keep going with it. Only when you have a complete piece will you be able to assess precisely what you have. Finishing what you start is pivotal and necessary.

Keep on going!

ArtBlinked
March 3rd, 2017, 03:59 AM
Hi there! I'm new and rather inexperienced but I can toss in my two cents!

So far everything seems quite visually appealing. I have a fondness for golden retrievers so the description of autumn and Buddy is relaxing and pleasant.

To critique I would suggest you go right into giving us the dogs name (Buddy) here:


We, the dog and I, had been hiking in a valley that had not been encroached on by modern civilization. The break in which we were taking was necessary for the going was rough.


And instead of using "thing" here, re-word.

The whole thing was very serene and for once in a long time, the world seemed calm.
Maybe try: "For the first time in ages the serene world broke through the chaos and my world calmed."

Eh, hopefully that's helpful? I'm new! I definitely suggest you keep going! You can paint some really pretty pictures :)