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Joe_Bassett
September 15th, 2015, 03:08 AM
I wrote this last year, probably late at night. I don't even know what sort of genre it is. Feel free to tear it to shreds!!


Karin neared the street corner. All was quiet, a little too quiet. She came to the corner and checked both ways as she usually did and began to cross.
The roar of a car engine cut through the stillness and a car on the side of the road sprang into life. There was a commotion and the car suddenly streaked out and headed straight for her!

Karin froze, what could she do?! The car bore down on her and something collided solidly into her side, the ground rushed up to meet her and everything went black.

************************************************** ************************************************** *****************

"Are you okay?" a voice asked from the darkness. Karin tried to nod but her body felt weird. She felt light, as if she was floating. "Are you okay? She's not responding! Get the gurney over here!" the voice called urgently.

Gurney?! Not responding?! What?!

She opened her eyes to see a paramedic leaning over her. "I'm fine!" she said insistently. The car must've just clipped her. The paramedic appeared not to notice her however and he continued shouting orders to some other paramedics pulling a gurney.

Then something weird happened. The paramedic reached for her arm but when he touched she felt a weird warmth and a wave of nausea ran through her. Startled she sat up and screamed. His arm went right through her!

She scrambled up and stood not believing what she was seeing. Below her lay someone very familiar, herself! Meanwhile everyone was going about their business, all their attention focused on the Karin on the ground. She was lying there, unresponsive, and horribly injured.

She gasped and held her hand to to her mouth. She quickly turned away and retched, but nothing came up. What was happening?!! She noticed that she wasn't feeling any pain despite having been hit by a car only minutes? Hours? ago. She couldn't tell. She felt a wave of panic run through her. She started to cry.

"Hey, are you okay?" another voice asked her. She turned around and saw a teenage boy standing behind her. He went to her school, she recognised him. She hadn't ever talked to him though. He was one of the scene kids with long black hair and wore copious amounts eyeliner.

"W-What's going on?", she stammered through her tears, "Why am I here- and - and also there?!! Why can't they see me and why can you? What's happening?!" she wailed.

"You're a ghost" he said simply.

"A ghost?" Karin asked incredulously.

The boy nodded.

"So that means I'm dead?" she asked fearing the answer.

"No" he answered taking her by surprise "Not entirely, you're still somewhat alive. You're still not solid yet, you're a little to blurry and flickery to be completely dead yet." he explained.

"Not completely dead..." she mused, "Not completely dead? What does that mean?" she asked uncertainly.

"Your physical body has probably slipped into something between life and death, a coma, and judging from the clarity of your form, you're closer to death." He answered.

Karin thought for a moment. She didn't want to believe him but there was no other explanation for what was going on. She thought for a moment and then came up with a question "How can I fix this?" she asked.

"I dunno" he shrugged and turned to leave.

"Wait! Don't leave me here! What do I do?" she cried out after him. The paramedics had strapped her body to the gurney and had just loaded their comatose cargo into the ambulance. They were preparing to leave.

"Do what you want, I can't help you" the kid said nonchalantly.

His apathy angered her and she stormed after him "Come on! You've gotta know something! You seem to know a lot about ghosts, please!" she begged.

He shrugged and kept walking towards the school. Disappointed and angered she followed him.

Anyone in the vicinity would have sensed an aura of anger and negativity following the boy and a few joggers made a point to avoid him, unknowingly running into Karin. Each time she felt a wave of heat and nausea and she noticed that her form faded a little each time. She wondered if perhaps she should have followed the ambulance, because she had no clue where they were taking her body. Luckily there were only two major hospitals in the immediate area.

************************************************** ************************************************** *********************

She felt a pang of sorrow pierce her heart as she entered the school building. What if yesterday was the last time she had been here alive? She wished she could have known. So many things she would've done differently...

"Karin?" she heard a familiar voice say. Looking up she found her friend Sara staring at her. "You look weird, wait, let me get my glasses".

"You don't have to" Karin cut in "I'm blurry because I'm a ghost".

"What?" Sara said absentmindedly as she dug through her backpack for her glasses.

"I said, you don't have to get your glasses because I'm a ghost!" Karin repeated more loudly.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Sara interjected.

Karin shook her head" No I'm really not. I'm a ghost, that's why I'm blurry" she explained.

"Wait, but that means you're dead?! What happened?!" Sara asked panickedly.

"No, I'm not entirely dead! Just mostly dead" Karin laughed internally at the Princess Bride reference, "I'm in a coma. I got hit by a car! On the way to school."

Sara's eyes widened, "Really? You're not just messing around are you?" She asked suspiciously.

"No, honestly, I really am a ghost, see?" Karin said as she put her hand through the wall. It went right through and her fingers felt like pins and needles. She withdrew her hand quickly.

Sara looked somewhat scared, "Wow. You really weren't kidding" she paused " So how's the afterlife?" She asked jokingly.

"I wouldn't know, as I said, I'm not entirely dead yet. And I don't plan to be" she added determinedly.

"Yeah, but how are you gonna fix that? It's not like you can get a Philosophers' Stone or a Holy Grail at WalMart." Sara added sarcastically.

"I'm working on it, by which I mean I have absolutely no clue. I don't even know which hospital they took my body to!" Karin exclaimed.

"I think I can help you with that" Sara offered. "I'm your best friend, in fact, we can go visit you in the hospital!", she said excitedly, "I never thought I would ever say that" Sara added smiling to herself.

"Well, I never thought I would be a ghost but here we are!", Karin exclaimed.

"You have a point" Sara conceded.

Harper J. Cole
September 17th, 2015, 12:58 PM
A fun story, reminiscent of the film "Ghost". I felt Sara might have been a little more shocked than you portrayed her, though I guess that you were going for a lighter tone, so some suspension of disbelief is appropriate. :idea:

I did see a few potential problems ...


The roar of a car engine cut through the stillness and a car on the side of the road sprang into life. There was a commotion and the car suddenly streaked out and headed straight for her!

This might be personal taste, but I think that your prose will scan better if you can avoid using the same word in quick succession like this.


"You're a ghost" he said simply.

Quotation marks gave you a few problems. There should be a comma after 'ghost' here.


"W-What's going on?", she stammered through her tears,

Here you don't need a comma, as you already have a question mark.


Sara looked somewhat scared, "Wow. You really weren't kidding" she paused " So how's the afterlife?" She asked jokingly..

Here 'kidding' should be followed by a full stop, then a capital S in 'She' ... whereas the 'she' after 'afterlife' should have a small s.
The reason is that 'she asked' refers to her speech, whereas 'she paused' is something she does after speaking.

Anyway, an interesting tale that deserves a part 2! :thumbl:

leuiai
September 18th, 2015, 04:53 AM
Really interesting concept! I would have loved to see some more detail. Who was the boy she saw and why was he there to see her? How did he know that she was a ghost? Why did she go to school and how did she get there? Those are just some of the details I'm interested in.

Your story also could have benefited from some variety when it comes to vocabulary. I noticed you used the word "weird" about four times. For example:


Karin tried to nod but her body felt weird. She felt light, as if she was floating.

Here you could have either kept "weird", used a different adjective, or possibly even merged the two sentences to become: "...her body felt light, as if she was floating." Ultimately it's up to you, but merging the two could also help inject some variety in the structure of your sentences.

I'd really like to see the rest of this story and learn exactly what happens to Karin and Sara!

Bard_Daniel
September 18th, 2015, 11:08 PM
I think HarperCole's comments are pretty much on the mark and I agree with leuilai's statement that the vocabulary could've been extended as well.

It's also very reminiscent to the story-line of Ghost. I haven't seen the movie, but I know the basic premise.

That doesn't mean it can't work though! If you approach it in your own way it could stand on its own, despite being similar.

It was decent. A little formulaic but it still works. For a more detailed critique I'd have to see the rest of the piece. If this is a standalone thing then I'm not quite sure the ending works.

Cheers!

JudyLea64
September 20th, 2015, 09:09 PM
I like the premise of your piece. I agree with others that varying your sentence length and word choices would make it smoother. It seems a little choppy to me. Also, I agree on it being a rather typical ghost story. If you could come up with a way to give it a little twist or two then it would be great.

I think something needs to be done to give the boy a better reason for being there. Now it seems like it's just to tell her that she's almost dead, but not quite. It's a little too convenient. How does he see her when others can't? How does he know why totally dead people and not quite dead people look different? At first I thought maybe he could see her because he was dead too, so it kind of threw me off when he wasn't. Also, why can Sara see her too? She does seem a little too calm about seeing her best friend as a ghost.

I think we need to find out why the car went after her, as well.

I'm not sure what kind of tone you are going for. As is, it seems light and humorous, which is great if that's what you intended. Not all ghost stories have to be dark and creepy - those are just the kind I prefer.

Overall, good story. I hope to see more.