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Tbird0000
September 10th, 2015, 08:13 AM
I had a dream last night and an idea came to me when I awoke. I had this extremely sophisticated idea for a Sci-Fi story that I don't think has been done before. The idea could be considered close to a few things I can think of but in the end, very different. This small passage was written after I had this grand idea. Although small, this is going to evolve into something far far far greater. I just don't know how I am going to write it without confusing readers too much. This passage is but a very very small part of this idea I had. So read and enjoy. Let me know what you think of this small piece.

I stood there, in the lush forest, ripe with extravagantly vivid greens and blues. Small flowers covered the forest floor. Their yellow was deeper and more brilliant than any I had ever seen. The species of birds flying overhead were unrecognizable and likely undiscovered. The four winged animal soaring overhead was composed of the deepest and most vibrant red. The forest was perfect in every way imaginable. It wasn’t real; it couldn’t be.

I walked the path at my feet through the dirt until I came to a Cliffside. The world seemed to bleed over the edge and disappear into oblivion. But there, for as far as my eyes could see, an infinitely beautiful jungle filled with tall trees and deep crevasses that stretched deep into the earth. The sun overhead was blinding yet peaceful. It didn’t burn to gaze into its fierce deep orange splendor. Rather, I was filled with a harmonious and overwhelming feeling of comfort. It wasn’t real; it couldn’t be.

As I stood there, peering into the swelling world, I felt a hand over my right shoulder. The touch was as smooth as marble yet soft as silk. A woman came around my side. She was so elegantly fragile; her skin a lustrous white. Her long fire red hair gently blowing in the breeze over her bosom. She was dressed in only the most minimal of attire. The only thing covered; her backside and pudenda. Everything bare for the world to see, her stature exuded confidence. It was then I noticed, I too was clad in the same manner as she. We stood there, freely, taking in the warm sun rays when she leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“Come, my love, we have an entire universe to explore together.”

It wasn’t real; it couldn’t be.

escorial
September 10th, 2015, 04:11 PM
has the feel of fantasy cliche...but i kind of enjoyed your attitude towards it all..

Tbird0000
September 11th, 2015, 02:47 AM
Yes, when writing this, I wanted to present a world that had a very fantasy feel; something unreal. Almost like a dream because at the root of this, it is in fact a dream of something happening on another earth or alternate reality. But the basis as a whole for this story will be Sci-Fi. I've already started writing more on it. It just so hard to write it out without being too confusing. It's almost like how Cloud Atlas panned out. Different things happening across different times and realities.

But thank you for reading and commenting.

CraniumInsanium
September 14th, 2015, 10:03 PM
The woman gave off a mythological feel. First thought you got visited by Poli'ahu, then realized Pele would've been the closer fit.

Good descriptiveness though. Keep up the good work.

Tbird0000
September 15th, 2015, 03:30 AM
@CraniumInsanium Funny you should mention Hawaii Goddess's. I live in Hawaii and I didn't put that together as I was writing it. But yes, I kind of wanted a mythical dreamscape feel here. I have a few writing projects going on at once but I wanted to start this one so that later on I had a base to go off of. Thank you for reading and commenting.

leuiai
September 18th, 2015, 05:37 AM
I can definitely imagine myself in your dreamscape that you've described here. I'd love to read more; there is so much left to the imagination here. Is this fantasy world real or imagined? Your idea of many things happening over multiple realities is very interesting.

The scene almost reminds me of the Biblical story of Adam and Eve, especially with the introduction of the female character in the last paragraph.

Tbird0000
September 18th, 2015, 07:46 AM
@leuia The world presented here is real. But perceived through someone else's mind. Kind of through a looking glass. I had this staggering idea (Nobody take it from me. it mine, all mine I tell ya!) that when we sleep, what if what we dreamt was an actual reality somewhere in space/time. What if the eyes we're looking through were in fact some interstellar doppelganger of ours. So therefore the person or narrator saying "this isn't real; it couldn't be", would actually be a person dreaming this real event and seeing it from the males perspective (the one on the Cliffside). Make sense? Now you can kind of see the dilemma I'm in when it comes to writing this out in a comprehensible manner. The story spans multiple times across multiple universes between multiple people.

CraniumInsanium
September 18th, 2015, 03:17 PM
Dude, creepy.

An idea I had way back years ago involved the concept that the waking world we see is actually a dream, and we're trapped in it, unable to wake up. When we go to sleep that is actually the real/waking world. Our dreams are glimpses into reality. The idea that me sitting at this computer is nothing but a dream, and I'm doing is fictional. That there's a whole other reality I don't have access to or can't remember since I'm not awake.

Tbird0000
September 19th, 2015, 01:17 AM
@CraniumInsanium Yes, its quite difficult I think to write this in a manner that's understandable. I don't want to start the story as "Boom, here it is, different worlds and different people all connected, aaaaaannnnddddd go!" I want to gradually introduce the fact that something is different in each story like "Wait, why does this person have augmented sight that is internet connected but that other guy is just barely grasping what a calculator is?" Know what I mean? Eventually, it will build up and you'll realize that these people are scattered across times and places but connected through a dreamscape.

CraniumInsanium
September 19th, 2015, 05:25 AM
Hmm yes, I believe that would be quite the undertaking. I would think the format, or rather the best way to lay out your story progression wise would be something akin to what Robert Jordan did with his characters in the Wheel Of Time. Each Chapter is devoted to a certain character and what they are doing, with little breadcrumbs about the larger picture added in. Sounds like quite the project!

Tbird0000
September 19th, 2015, 05:54 AM
@CraniumInsanium Yes, that is exactly the route I am going. I don't think this story will be too long. Maybe like 50k words.

Higurro
September 22nd, 2015, 09:14 PM
If I may criticize (and I guess that's why we're both here!) it is a touch overwrought. There's a sense of the colour and lushness of it, but I had to confess, when the woman appeared I found myself wondering if it was all meant to sound tongue-in-cheek. It should be possible to re-phase a few of the sentences here, paying attention to the adjectives and adverbs, so the reader doesn't feel like they're trying to wade through honey quite so much.

For example, "I stood there in the lush forest, ripe with extravagantly vivid greens and blues", might be better put along the lines of "I stared around, dazzled by the intensity of the forest colours".

Perhaps that would be more suitable if you were going for a "there in the moment" kind of feel. If you wanted to make it seem distant, almost static, like a vignette, you might phrase it differently: "Light made virid patterns as it fell through the forest around me, thick and glassy as oil paint."

Well, just a rough stab I guess, but I'm sure you get my drift.

TataSweets44
June 17th, 2016, 02:47 AM
This was simple but it painted a beautiful picture. One that I would like to delve into and get lost (as I do with any good book) can't wait to read more!

afk4life
June 17th, 2016, 05:20 AM
Your visuals are good. I'm wondering if this would work better in present tense. That sort of to me would seem to enhance your theme of detachment from reality.

Your descriptives, I think, and this is just my opinion, could be detailed more. "vivid greens and blues" "deeper and more brilliant than any I had ever see" and so on -- those are good but why not make them breathe more, and make them more surreal by attaching them to metaphors not really used before, to make it more imbalancing. Why not drop snow into the scene or something else incongruous to make it more surreal?

I liked this line a lot:


The world seemed to bleed over the edge and disappear into oblivion

I'm still not sold on semicolons, but that's a stylistic choice. Also, I wouldn't use pudenda, I had to Google that, to me it's jarring especially because you start with a euphemistic description of her backside and then shift to a scientific one of her front.

Overall, it's got real atmosphere and it's good I just think you have the skill to breathe more strangeness into it. If Avatar didn't confuse people and became one of the top grossing movies ever, I wouldn't worry about weirdness or confusing people. Just do your thing and write.

Tbird0000
June 17th, 2016, 10:26 AM
It's been awhile since I have wrote to this story but I do promise I have more to it than what I posted. Haven't found the time to write. Have a 2 year old now, enough said lol. But I have come into a few months where I have the time to write since I'm traveling for work. I think I will revisit this idea due to the recent comments as of late. Thank you for reading!!!

Tbird0000
June 17th, 2016, 10:28 AM
Yeah pudenda is a easier word to stomach than flat out saying VA***A lol. It's hard when trying to describe it ya know.

afk4life
June 17th, 2016, 03:53 PM
As I recall, Stephen King did a job of something along these lines in his fantasy novel. It's just a matter of saying it without saying it, being abstract enough it's not blunt but not so abstract readers will be like 'huh'?

lvcabbie
June 17th, 2016, 06:28 PM
The only thing that jarred me was "path at my feet". Where else would it be? :lemo: