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gcallan3
September 7th, 2015, 08:09 AM
90 Minute to Write
Something Humorous. Not well written but i kept it in original form. This was an excersise for a writing class. Which i sold to a comedy club in denver

News Anchor,(( Reporter
Parody
Past, Present, and Future
Headlines

Must contain
At least two actual historical events
News relative to today's
Future related to past article
No other rules apply

Written by:
Gary D. Callan





Welcome to Weekend Update with your news anchor Gary Callan

This week we at the News Update Newsroom will read headlines from the third week in February of news past,
present and future.

First up.
Home sapiens Evolve- Erect Is In

Man evolved from the ape this week, - Immediately Complains About Hair Loss
Woman also evolved from ape - Immediately Complains About Man's Hair Loss
Fire Discovered

Tuesday morning we have learned that fire was created and contained for the first time. I asked a
bystander that witnessed the science breaking process and what he thought about it. "Finally, Insurance Fraud Made Easy." the man says holding up a torch and dried dung.
Humans Acquire The Ability To Speak

Man Speaks His First Words. He tells his girlfriend, "I am tired of you thinking I should be able to read your mind."

Two huddles over, it was said, a woman spoke to her husband for the first time, and I quote "You never listen to me." This reporter believes 'talking' will only make relationships better.

New Tools Created - Beyond The Club

Man creates the greatest universal tool of all time. It is called 'The Excuse'
Unimpressed, woman countered with their own creation. They call it 'The Headache'
Only time will tell which of these will be the strongest of this Just In: Headache Proves Superior

Magic Potion Discovered - Enhances Beauty, Strength and Intelligence.

A new magic potion made from rotten fruit was tested on humans a few weeks ago.. The test subjects testimonial has the whole community excited.

"The potion,' the subject reported, "not only changed me, it also changed everyone else in the room. I
became smarter, stronger and more charming while those around me transformed before my eyes. The woman grew younger and more attractive while the men where entranced by what I had to say and hung on my every word." Researches were disappointed that the effects of the potion was not permanent. However, using the proven scientific principle 'If less is good, then more must be better" they have determined that prolonged use
was the key. The tribe known as Scotts were selected to be test subjects who were excited by the prospect.

Follow Up: Due to the availability of what is now called ale, two new religions were created. The two sides battle each other in a war that experts say will probably last a very long time. Their contention? One side believes the ale has "Great Taste" while the other believes it is "Less Filling".

Follow Up. The answer to the ale question and the religions it spawned, came to an abrupt end last night when the soldiers on both sides became inebriated, cried out how much they loved each other and passed out singing 'We are the world'. The next morning, women created PMS to punish them for their Tom Foolery.




First Written Words

The very first written sentence was scribbled on a piece of leather today:
The Following Books Are Banned

This was quickly followed by first written article:
SWF seeking SBM, well endowed or carrying a notarized Financial Equivalency.



Columbus In Trouble Again

You would think Chris Columbus would keep out of the lime light after he was arrested for solicitation.

The so-called explorer was arrested last spring when he presented himself to the Queen, pulled his tights down to prove he was full blooded Italian, and suggested to her Majesty, for a handful of jewels he would "Rock her flat world ass off". In a plea bargain, which he negotiated privately with the Queen, he was found guilty of the
lesser charge of public nudity and was transferred to a post in India. He returned months later and was touted as a true hero for finding a new world that he claimed for the mother land.

This reporter discovered that Columbus' claims are not quite what he reported. A whistle blower serving as a deckhand during the voyage, wrote a deposition calling the discovery, shenanigans. The deck hand, calling himself Deep Throat, strange for a soprano, will testify that he observed Columbus knocking down a huge sign
erected on the beach which clearly stated, OCCUPIED - NO VACANCIES.

STOP: The Queen has ordered all present and future historians ignore Deep Throat's testimony citing everything that came out of the man's mouth smelled like shit, therefore not to be trusted.



Ford Company's Celebration Interrupted By Protestors

Ford rolled off it's first motor vehicle from it's assembly line today. The celebration was stalled by screams and thrown vegetables from a group protesting the mass production of the car. When the head of the group, known as Greenpeace, was asked to why they were against the car, he turned back to his people for several minutes in silent whisper before giving his statement, "We'll think of something and get back with
you." Mr. Edsel said.


Wright Brothers Get High

The Wright brothers, after many years, have finally created a flying machine that looks promising in keeping itself aloft. The question was asked- What was their main objective in creating such a machine? Before his brother could stop him, Orville answered.
"Quicker deliveries from South America, Man"


USA - Man Takes First Steps On Moon

Realizing the expected, large breasted green moon woman did not exist, USA leaves the moon never to
return.



Disney's Once Gay and Colorful Characters, Become Colorful Gay Characters
FlamerGate Day 1

The Disney Company has caused quite a stir with their latest attempt at political correctness. Children favorites, Goofy and Pluto became Mr. and Mr. Canine, last week, during a gala event where several others came out of the proverbial closet. Careena Deville, Scrooge Mcduck, Dewy, absent his two brothers, attended
along with several non family members such as Porky Pig, Pink Panther, and Betty Rubble. Goofy and Pluto are the first gay members of cartoondom to get hitched. Until now, the two denied any allegations of their relationship, especially after the butt sniffing incident in Italy last fall.

We tried to get a quote or comment from the happy couple but Pluto, who has always snubbed the press remained off record and when we asked Goofy how significant this wedding was in the overall population division on the subject of gay marriage. "UhEYuck" was all he was prepared to say. Michael Eisner was
quoted during the press conference after the ceremony, "We at the Disney Corporation support the rights of gay and transgender persons to marry." One wonders why Michael Eisner was even at the press conference since he was fired from Disney several decades ago. When confronted Eisner on this subject we were bombarded by therapeutic shoes that were thrown at us by none other than Peppermint Patty and her husband Marcie, who also
just wed.

We caught up with Charlie Brown the next day to comment on his former girlfriend, "Good Grief She was a bitch anyway, I am happier now that I am with Lucy." Lucy was at his side looking very angry. When she saw us coming she walked away. Still on record Mr. Brown explained about his girlfriend's
disposition. "You know the football thing she has been playing on me since the sixties? Well I did something similar and now she's pregnant. HA!"



In Other, I Didn't Think They Were Real News

Hitting Rock bottom and embarrassed. Godzilla ran out of his friends home as they try to perform an intervention. Godzilla started using many years ago and was under control most of those years. A close anonymous friend tells us, "He would chew maybe one or two Japanese news reporters a month, you know, casually, at parties. Then he hooks up with this Mothra chick. We knew bad news was coming."

His friend turned out to be correct. With his codependent girlfriend Godzilla, resources say, is up to chewing six COSPLAY girls every two weeks. To put a fine point on his friends concern, Godzilla was last seen in downtown Tokyo, wearing furry ears, whiskers and a Hello Kitty t-shirt.. Godee,, as he wants to be called, nor his publicist were available for comment.



Chinese Astronauts Land On Moon
Who Are Greeted By Large Breasted Green Moon Woman

The Chinese government quickly setup several sweat shops, an opium den, and brothel. The sweat shops first product to roll off the assembly were Goofy and Pluto dolls, looking quite redonkulous in circa
Miami Vice outfits The Goofy doll says "HeYuck" while the Pluto doll, like it's namesake refuses to comment. Both of the figures have rings in each nipple and the word BITCH tattooed on their back, The President of company stopped the idea of making them anatomically correct citing "Good taste must prevail."



USA Launches Shuttle That Will Travel Outside Our Solar System

The shuttle Payoff launched into space at a secret launching pad. It's mission was told to us by General Lee Jackson at a NASA press conference. "The Mission?" the general said with a red face. "To outdo those slanteye sunsabitches that took over the moon, that's the damn mission, you yella rag."

We were there to view the last communication received from the Shuttle. "Now that your outside our solar system, tell us how you feel, Captain, over"

The Captain was hailed by one of his crew members and asked to look at the front screen. A missile was heading straight for them. "Somewhat Empty" the captain said before the screen went blank. We caught the general as he started for the stairs to leave and demanded a comment. "Huyeuck" he said, then gave a follow up of "YOWoooHoooo" as he fell down the stairs onto the balcony below.

We are now live with President of the United States to give us information on what happened to the
Shuttle Payoff. "My Fellow Americans.........



We Break This Scheduled Program For The Following Special Edition

Disney Trouble Continues - FlamerrGate Day 323

Minnie the Mouse appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to discuss the filing of divorce papers from her long time husband Mickey. Minnie told the host that she became suspicious over a year ago that the once beloved mouse of the big screen was cheating on her. Especially with all the trips to China he had taken over the last several months. Although, suspicious the motherly mouse was completely shocked to find a bill from
the local hospital. The bill was for the emergency treatment of Mickey. The injuries included bruises on his neck, trauma to the colon and severe rectal bleeding. The unconscious mouse was brought into the emergency room by long time friend and star of TV, Mighty Mouse.

Hugging Oprah while crying the grief stricken Minnie continued to say that she immediately searched his room and found an old laptop. The laptop, says Mrs Mouse was filled with gay porn. Goofy, Dumbo and she even saw Pepe Lapue in one of them.

Full disclosure, and because we could not believe it ourselves this publication researched the video with PePe Lapue. Mr. Lapue had entered the set while Goofy and Pluto were filming a scene. He was , obviously there by mistake, since the poor skunk was seen leaving the room quickly holding his nose with tears in his eyes. We were told later by his wife, Meow the cat, that he was in the bathroom throwing up for several
minutes.

We have been told since this report was written that Mighty Mouse has left Mickey fearing that anymore super carnal activity could seriously injure his friend again. Mighty was last seen in San Francisco in the gay and lesbian pride parade in the arms of Underdog. The two wore matching pink belled collars and orange turtleneck sweaters.
Also seen with them was the reclusive Hong Kong Phooey who was last reported in a taboo relationship involving several kitchen utensils and a vacuum, all who had recurring rolls on the popular sitcom the Flintstones. The parade finished without too many protesters but this reporter did notice that Shaggy and Scooby Doo were in the protester section with signs calling the parade an abomination. I don't know who these
two scientologists are trying to fool but give it up and come out already.



Ford To Release Warp Class Luxury Space Carrier

The ceremony was interrupted by GreenPeace protesting the engines use, citing that the warp engines create green house gasses that could cause space to suffer from wild swings in climate over the next thirty years.

"We must do this for our children, Earth must move on this. I have in my hand scientific data compiled from our most valued financial contributors, all who received highest marks in the sciences, such as Communication, Ancient Literature and psychology, how can you argue with credentials like that?. This is the only universe we
have after all.

Alien life discovered - 'Ouch' Cries Humanity

Empire enslaves planet, told how to live, work and eat.- Seeing No Difference New Yorkers Respond -
"WHAT?"

The same vast Galaxian empire was brought down by the destruction of one of it's spherical ships - The
rebel leader was quoted as saying "How Lucky we were" Sad to say, soon after the empire had surrendered all of it's other six thousand two hundred and thirty ships to the rebel fleet numbering in the tens, the leader of the rebellion was arrested and executed for abusing the steroid Metaclorian. The blood count on the Rebel leader was staggering, the prison physician told a reporter the day he was brought in. The doctor gave a message to
parents throughout the Galaxy. "If your child's speech changes and they start speaking oddly or out of step all of sudden, your child could be abusing this drug.' Example "Wrecked my moms car I did" "Oh totally a
geek you are"

The use of this drug is inching higher and higher with kids younger and younger. Social scientist say the reason for this increase of use is directly attributed to the Universal Climate Change caused by green house gasses spewing from Warping space ships. "We must raised taxes on Warp Fuel to stop this disaster.

That is all I have for you tonight. I am Gary Callan, because nobody else wanted to be. Saying Goodnight.






1

jenthepen
September 7th, 2015, 04:17 PM
That's fantastic! If you came up with all that in 90 minutes, you have a real talent for humour. Hell, you have a talent for humour if it took you a week. Well done!

There are some SPaG issues but you know that and you already sold it. Thanks for the laughs. Let's have some more of your humour.

jen

gcallan3
September 13th, 2015, 07:58 PM
Thank you. It was a lot of fun. I have a retired writer reading my Flexion novels and he thought it could use some humor. He told me if I could make him laugh in 30 minutes he would buy me a copy of writeitnow software. I wrote it when he sent me the criteria in the time allowed and he liked it. A week later I received the software. I am struggling with issues of grammar, that is why I started here. He told me my story was worth the work a small story in the beginning has grown. I have enjoyed it. Thanks for your response. I will try to help others now that I have more time.

jenthepen
September 16th, 2015, 10:01 PM
Great, keep posting - and don't forget to check out the Mentor Monthly Challenge and other competitions because the feedback you get is really helpful for polishing up any issues with grammar (as well as being good fun.)