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jtgrall
September 7th, 2015, 02:40 AM
The Most Evil Man in the World



The old woman put on her dark blue dress, She styled her short white hair, and got ready to head to the Italian restaurant down the street. Her husband had past away so long ago that she could no longer remember how long it had been, And they never had any children even though she had always wanted them. Eleanor would be completely alone if it weren’t for her friends in the aqua therapy classes at the community YMCA every Tuesday and Thursday mornings. On her way slowly walking to the Italian restaurant she started to think about the bizarre letter that got in the mail the previous day. It was addressed to Eleanor but it had no return address, and when she opened it the message was short, “Eleanor, let’s meet at Gioseppi’s tomorrow at noon. Would love to see you there.” It had not been signed at the bottom. Eleanor was confused, she thought it could have been one of her friends from her aqua class. Eleanor decided to go to the restaurant anyway, Gioseppi’s is a popular restaurant what could possibly happen there.
Eleanor reached the restaurant and walked inside. She looked around, but couldn’t see anyone that she knew. So she went to the host and got a table for two. At the table Eleanor looked around looked around to see if anyone had come in, but she could only see a group of people in suits having a business gathering, a young boy eating what looked like a personal pizza, and a family with a young baby. The waitress stopped by Eleanor’s table, and she ordered a caesar salad, and a lemonade with extra ice. Eleanor was watching the people at the restaurant, and thinking about how it would be to be young again. The family with the child that she was never able to never have, or the young business people talking about how they were going to conquer the world. Then there was the young boy who looked to be at most fifteen years old, and had his whole life in front of him. As she watched the boy she noticed him look up from his pizza and he gave her a smile, Eleanor smiled back. The boy kept staring at her, it was strange. It almost felt like she knew him, he must have been one of the neighborhood children that lived on her street. The boy paid his bill, then started to head out of the restaurant. Right before he reached the door he paused, turned around and walked to Eleanor’s table, and took a seat across from her.
They stared at each other for the longest time without saying a word. Then the boy asked “Eleanor Webb?” Eleanor looking more confused by the moment, “Do I know you?” she asked. The boy looked at her with sharp blue eyes and said, “Yes, I have been waiting for this day for a very long time.” Eleanor didn’t know what he meant, but there was something about this boy that made her feel comfortable. “Were you the one that sent me the letter?” She asked. “yes” the boy replied. They both just sat there looking at each other not knowing what to say next, the restaurant around them getting busier, but nobody seemed to take any notice to the two of them sitting at the table. “Well, are you ready to go?” the boy finally asked Eleanor. “Go where?” she asked. The boy just gave her a comforting smile and said, “To the next life.”
She didn’t know what made her do it, maybe it was the possibility of a new adventure, Or that she was just tired of being alone, but Eleanor stood up and followed the boy out of the restaurant, and they left unnoticed like they weren’t even there at all.

Harper J. Cole
September 10th, 2015, 06:09 PM
Interesting look at death; it makes me wonder whether she was already dead when the story started.

I'm slightly puzzled by the title, as I don't see who's being referred to as evil?

One thing I'd say to watch out for is using too many adjectives right before nouns (dark blue dress, short white hair, young boy, young baby). Your narrative will flow more smoothly if you work your descriptions in in a variety of ways.

At any rate, a good concept that's worth expanding upon.

HC

escorial
September 10th, 2015, 06:18 PM
elanor rigby lives on in this piece....

jtgrall
September 12th, 2015, 05:18 AM
Thank you for your advice on my use of adjectives, it was a big help.

Also the title "most evil man in the world" refers to the boy. His intentions in the story are actually noble but it is a necessary evil to do what he does.

blazeofglory
September 12th, 2015, 06:50 AM
This is exhilarating with a good flow. It both surprises and entertains. And of course this story can be lengthened into a novel featuring the earlier life of the woman and the counter with the boy would be a good terminal point. Simple and lucid it has something to fuel the imagination of the reader.

jtgrall
September 13th, 2015, 06:32 AM
yeah I definitely want to explore where I can go with this. Im going to post more on here. Let me know what you think.

jtgrall
September 13th, 2015, 06:33 AM
Ch2

I woke up the day I made the biggest discovery in human history the same as I had any other day. My alarm woke me at six o’clock, I showered, got dressed, then made eggs and toast for breakfast with a glass of orange juice as a chaser. I wrote a note to my wife Eleanor like I did everyday, but I decided to put a little extra effort into it today. She was upset at me after our talk about having kids, I was against it. We both have too many priorities to take care of before we would be able to properly raise a child. I decided to make the note short, sometimes the most powerful words aren’t the most elegant “My dearest Eleanor, you are not the person I would go through hell for, but the person that I would trade heaven for.” Cheesy, but she would love it. I always wondered how a scrawny nerd like me could end up with a beautiful woman like Eleanor. I got in my beater Honda, and headed to work. It only took about fifteen minutes to get to my laboratory where I was the head of a cancer research project, and that day I was about to find out if my last eight years of research was worth all my time and effort.
I got to the lab and walked to my office. I then checked a few emails from the head of the biotech company that wanted a status update on my research. I sent them everything I had so far, then I decided to walk to my lab. There were my two lab technicians who were already in the lab. Karen who was a student and interning, and Steve who had been at the lab long before I had been there but was happy maintaining the lab and ordering supplies that I needed. I had a good working relationship with the two of them, but I still liked to keep my research private. After I talked to the two of them for a while to see how they were doing, and make sure everything in the lab was in order. I sent them on a lunch break. Once they were gone I went to the incubator that I had locked the night before with my samples of stem cells. I had three slides that I needed to put under my microscope to observe the results. The first two I knew were unlikely to yield any positive results, but the third was my brainchild. I had spent years turning on and off certain genes and seeing how they would make cells react, and today I was going to find out their potential.
I put the first slide under the microscope, and as I suspected the cell had relapsed. I put the second cell on the microscope stage and the cell was completely eaten by cancer. Then I inserted the third slide, and I looked into the lenses. What I saw sent chills down my spine. I had always known that this had the possibility to happen, but I did not expect the reaction to be completed so fast. I thought that the changes in the genetic code would take weeks, months, maybe even a year. I know that if my I took this to the owners of my biotech firm, they would only try to profit off this technology, or turn it into a weapon.
I felt like the first scientist to assemble the first active atomic bomb. I now know how to destroy the entire human race. I could not let this information get out. I went to my office and deleted the information I had on my research. I walked down to the basement and got the gasoline that was used for the generator which powered the building if there was a power outage. I then doused my entire lab with gasoline and started the fire.
I knew it was only a matter of time before the surveillance videos were reviewed, and the police were notified of what I had done. So I started making a plan for my escape. I know that Eleanor would be a lot better without me, So I decided not to pick her up. I first drove to my storage container on the other side of the city. I got the supplies that I would need to accomplish this task. So I started to drive to the lake that I went to with my parents when I was a child. I thought about my childhood, and my parents, I really wished I got a chance to see them before they passed away, but I was too busy with work. Every important thing I had missed in this life was because I had always been too busy with work.
I pulled off the road and grabbed everything I need from the car. Off the road there was a hidden hiking trail that I knew about. After I walked the trail for about a mile there was the bridge that crossed a river. I began walking over the wooden bridge that moved beneath my feet, when I got half way a stopped. I looked at the sky there was only a few billowy white clouds, the rest of the sky was blue. I then remembered what I had hidden several years ago in my sleeping bag. I unzipped the bag, and pulled out the item. I then climbed and sat on the railing of the bridge, nothing between me and falling into the water. I had a harmonica that I used to play here too bad I lost it. In the distance I thought I saw a boy wading in the water fishing, but when I squinted it was just a rock far in the distance. I thought of poor Eleanor, I hope she will have the family she always wanted. The metal felt cold in my hand, I brought it up to my lips, I hope it is in tune, I pulled the trigger.

leuiai
September 18th, 2015, 05:07 AM
This second installment is enthralling!

I assume it is set in the past, before the first chapter. It was nice to see the boy make a reappearance, tying the two chapters together. I'm really intrigued to know what his discovery was. I hope this as well as how the husband's death affected Eleanor will be addressed in later chapters. I did want to add one critique. In some paragraphs there is a lack of structure/punctuation.


I looked at the sky there was only a few billowy white clouds, the rest of the sky was blue.

This sentence could be stretched into a few short sentences or compacted into one. The lack of punctuation makes it feel like a ramble or even rushed. I really want to be able to absorb and read into your sentences which would definitely be easier with more structure. Overall I really really enjoyed this chapter!! I can't wait to read more!

JudyLea64
September 20th, 2015, 09:35 PM
I certainly want to know more about these characters and their story! I think you definitely should expand on it. As is, it leaves too many questions unanswered. What was the discovery and how could it destroy the human race? Why did the husband commit suicide? I know he burned up the lab, etc. and was afraid of being found out, but suicide seems a little drastic - unless we know about his personality that would show it making sense.

There are several places where I think you could write one sentence in place of two or three that would convey the information more visually and would also help the pacing of the piece. For example:


Off the road there was a hidden hiking trail that I knew about. After I walked the trail for about a mile there was the bridge that crossed a river. I began walking over the wooden bridge that moved beneath my feet, when I got half way a stopped.

The use of "there was (were)" in several places also makes it a bit passive.

Chapter 1 to me seems like it should be an ending or a story in itself. I don't feel compelled to go any further because I don't have any clues about the husband or why he died. Having Chapter 2 come first would make me want to read more because I would want to know the answers to the questions I asked above. Those are just my opinions. Maybe what you start with depends more on whose story it is - the husband's or the wife's. That's not clear in the first two chapters.

I think this has the potential to be an intriguing thriller. Looking forward to reading more.

Fillipi
September 21st, 2015, 06:14 AM
nice suspense, enjoyed reading it. the title also confused me a little though

jtgrall
October 19th, 2015, 05:24 AM
>>>

Abishai100
October 28th, 2015, 05:08 PM
I think I understand the title of the story. It seems you imply that death is an experience rather than a perception and therefore that virtue and vice are encounters rather than simple choices. The boy is satisfyingly eerie, and I got the nice feeling at the end of the story that boredom and ecstasy can be connected to youthful courage or even recklessness. There's a character in the Indian epic "The Mahabharata" (Vyasa) called the Deathless Boy who reminds me of your special character here.

How do you think evil is related to escapism?

jtgrall
December 14th, 2015, 07:52 AM
m

DedicatedPen
December 16th, 2015, 08:24 PM
Thanks for sharing.

This is worth expanding on. Only minor thing is in the first chapter when you describe her not remembering when her husband died. Family never forget such sad events. Two very interesting characters though you are developing with the woman and the boy!

jtgrall
February 12th, 2016, 11:18 PM
j

jtgrall
August 4th, 2016, 12:32 AM
...

albertjacc
August 21st, 2016, 01:25 PM
Kid,I see what you tried to do here.The title was completely off and you were not trying to be misleading,i think you just did not think about it that much.The idea is good,but i feel that your story is missing something.Otherwise...i enjoyed your short story,it is all right.

Eric Romano
August 26th, 2016, 08:55 AM
It's an entertaining read, the very first phrase. I really liked it here "Right before he reached the door he paused, turned around and walked to Eleanor’s table, and took a seat across from her."

bdcharles
August 26th, 2016, 12:19 PM
Ch.3
The Year was 1968, [<- should be full stop]The three of us were walking to our High School for the battle of the bands competition. I had just picked up playing the guitar two years ago, while Eleanor had played the drums since she was little. Sean played base [<- bass] for us. h[<- capital H]e was tall with curly blonde hair, [-< comma splice / run on sentence]he was one of those kids that got along with everyone. When we finally reached the school we split up and headed to our classes. The competition wasn't until the pep rally after third period. I headed off to biology class after stopping by the bathroom to vomit. (not the only time I would do that to day.)[<- should not be a separate sentence] m[<- capital M]y mind drifted between the lecture and being on stage, but I wasn't worried about my grade slipping, [-< comma splice / run on sentence]I had over a hundred percent[<- is that even possible? I've heard of giving 110% but assumed it was management nonsense talk ;) ] in class, and I probably knew twice what the teacher knew. As it got closer and closer to showtime I started feeling worse and worse, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] there was a feeling in my stomach which felt like some one was squeezing me like an orange to make juice. With each heart beat I felt the blood pulse to my fingertips. When I stood up to leave bio, I felt the blood rush back to my head making me feel dizzy, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] as I walked out of the classroom door I was questioning why I ever joined the band when I heard her voice. [<- new line for dialogue]

"whats up, you beatnik". Eleanor I thought as I turned around, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] everything about her calmed me down. I was so comfortable around her, [-< comma splice / run on sentence]it felt as if I knew her for a lifetime.
[<- new line for dialogue]
"Im going to ditch second period to get ready, if you want to join me jake [<- capital J]?" she asked. I just nodded and followed her, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] we ended up spending the period hiding under the football stadiums bleachers, fantasizing about running away, and adventures we would go on, and the troubles we would barely escape. I wish that I had the adventurous spirt that Eleanor had. As we started heading to the auditorium, Eleanor leading the way, the nerves started coming back.
[<- new line for dialogue]
"I don't know if I can do this?" I said. Without hesitation Eleanor turned around and kissed me. The rest of the way I floated to the auditorium. I knew that I had always loved Eleanor, but I had known her for so long and liked her so much that I didn't want to do anything to ruin our relationship, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] besides that kiss was probably just to calm me down. We met Jake at the auditorium, [-< comma splice / run on sentence] he was setting up the equipment, as the entires [<- entire, no s]school population was filling up the bleachers. We were the first of the four bands to play,[-< comma splice / run on sentence] I set up my guitar and played a few strings to make sure it sounded right, and got in front of the microphone. As the student body president began to give the introduction everything became a blur, and he could have been speaking a foreign language for all I knew. The only thing I heard was "first up we have the Beach bums." It was if my fingers started playing with out me telling them too, and my voice started singing words that I didn't even know. When time finally caught up to me the song had ended, and the crowd was silent, I had no idea if it was bad or good. Then the whole auditorium erupted clapping, cheering. o[<- capitals at start of sentence]nly then I knew that we rocked the show.

The rest of the day was a blur,[-< comma splice / run on sentence] I couldn't tell you how the rest of the bands played, but the only thing I could think of was Eleanor's lips and how good it felt playing in front of all those people.

As the three of us were walking home, Eleanor turned to me and said, "I don't know why you were so nervous, [-< comma splice / run on sentence - possibly forgivable in dialogue]you knew we were going to win."
[<- new line for dialogue]
"I know, but you know how I get being in front of all those people." I said. t[<- capitals at start of sentence]he three of us got to the house and climbed the steps and collapsed on the couch as soon as we got in.

As the three of us were reliving the day in our minds, there was a sound of our front door opening and closing, we looked up, and there was the boy.
[<- new line for dialogue]
"Really, All along the watchtower by Jimi Hendrix?" he said. "Great, I bring you here from the future, and this is how you repay me by changing the past. y[<- capitals at start of sentence]ou three are supposed to be keeping a low profile. If anyone from my time discovers that you are here, all of this would be for nothing."
[<- new line for dialogue]
I stood up, "I think its time you told us who you are!"

t[<- capitals at start of sentence]he boy stood there with the angry look on his face and pointed at me "I'm you.... from the future." I instantly sat back down. "My job in the future is to go back in time, to the moments of peoples[<- should be an apostrophe somewhere here depending on what you want to say] death, and save them from dying, and bring them to the future." [<- end dialogue with comma and no capital]The boy said.
[<- new line for dialogue]
"but how does that work?" Eleanor asked. "We make clones of the people who are about to die, and stage the clones[<- should be an apostrophe somewhere here depending on what you want to say] death to make it look like the person died the exact same way they would have died.[<- comma]" he said. "There are some people in the future, that believe that this is not natural, and if they ever discovered the identities of the people who made the technology of reverse aging and time travel they would kill them.[<- comma]" the boy said as he pointed to the three of them on the couch. "This is the last time you will see me. I can't risk anyone from the future knowing that I visited you. y[<- capital]our only job is to make it to the future.....The long way." T[<- end dialogue with comman and no capital]he boy said as he backed out of the room.

Your idea is fine but your execution of it - grammar, mostly - needs a lot of work. You also need to think about how you write, in terms of what makes a story engaging, how to really craft a character and a scene and imbue it with emotion, how to depict scenery and how to get that scenery to affect mood, and so on. I'll just give you a small example to work from:

"The Year was 1968, The three of us were walking to our High School for the battle of the bands competition."

Depict, depict. Paint a picture of the school, something iconic from the era etc - but subtly, in with the going on; eg:


The Year was 1968, the country was still reeling from the death of Martin Luther King, and the three of us were crossing the baking tarmac of our High School parking lot, for the battle of the bands competition.

Another example would be to have the main narrator react strongly when being told his future self is meant to turn up at the moment of his own death. Personally I would freak out pretty badly if that happened. Hope this help :)