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Warmaster Horus
September 6th, 2015, 01:48 PM
Hey everyone! I haven't posted in a while, kinda lost passion for writing and trying to get it back but that's for another post. Anyway, here's a little short story I wrote some time ago and would appreciate some feedback.

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"Ah, excellent. I'm so glad you could join me. Please, sit." I greeted my guest. Mr. P. Wadsforth sat down and I flashed him my winning smile. He smiled back.



"Why, thank you, Kenny. I'm quite elated that I could join you. After all, it's not every day that humans interview pigs." He told me.



Yes, Mr. P. Wadsforth was a pig. I'm not entirely sure what breed he is, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what breed of human I am.

"Well, Mr. Wadsforth…" I began.



He cut me off. "Please, call me Bartholomew."



"But your name is Mister P. Wadsforth."



"Well, do know this; the alphabet of pigs is quite different from yours. I don't suppose you speak Pig Latin?"



"Well, I do, but that's not…" I answered, before he cut me off again. Apparently it was a rhetorical question.



"Shall we continue with this interview?"



I sighed. Some pigs have no manners. It's like they were raised in barns.



"Yes, I'm trying to clear up some common misconceptions about pigs, and you are an expert in pig culture, which probably stems from the fact that you are a pig, right?"



"Yes," Bartholomew replied. "I have a plethora of knowledge regarding pig mannerisms and culture, and I am happy to share it with you, Kenny. Some humans are very ignorant, and you know how we pigs berate ignorance."



I gritted my teeth. "Yes. You all hate ignorance."



Bartholomew was appalled. "Hate? No! Good heavens, we don't hate a human flaw! We do wish to get rid of it, but hating human ignorance is akin to hating pig eating habits! You learn to deal with it."



I gave an exasperated sigh. "Well, my first question is this: Why do pigs roll in the mud?"



Bartholomew smiled. "Well, the days to tend to get rather warm and arid, and a mud bath is just the perfect way to cool off."



I could feel my anger fade away. Maybe Bartholomew wasn't so bad. A few more questions later, and I felt much better, and Bartholomew seemed to enjoy himself. That was, until I reached my next question.



"What are your thoughts on human pork consumption?" I asked.



His smile (I think it was a smile. Pig emotions are hard to read) disappeared.


"Well, I will admit this is a touchy and highly controversial topic, but I must speak my mind."


"Well, go ahead, if you're comfortable."


"Well, here's what I do believe. I do not condone it, but I do not condemn it, either. I believe it is a natural course. There's really nothing we can do. But that is nature's way. Why, polar bears eat humans sometimes, and you guys accept it as life. I believe pigs must do the same."


He finished talking and turned to me. "Do you have any more questions?"


"None anymore. I thank you for your honesty." I turned to the camera. "Everybody, Mr. P. Wadsforth."

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

In the break room, I opened the fridge and pulled out my lunch; a beautiful pulled pork sandwich. As I turned around, I saw Bartholomew facing me.


"What are you doing?!" He asked me angrily, his stubby pig arms flailing around.


"Eating lunch."


"What's in the sandwich?"


"Pulled Pork."


"Exactly! You're eating a pig!" Bartholomew stormed towards me.


"What's your problem? You said it was nature's way!"


"What, you believed me?"


I stomped towards him until we were face to face. "Well, yes. You were being honest!"


"No I wasn't, you moron! What pig in their right mind would not say pork consumption was an atrocity?"


"Well, too bad. I'm going to eat this sandwich."


His eyes turned red and murderous. "You wouldn't dare!"


"Watch me." I raised the sandwich up to my mouth.


"No!" Bartholomew punched me in the face. I staggered back, and he charged towards me. I picked up a chair and smashed it into him. He fell, but he got up really quickly. I ducked as he threw a punch, and I jabbed him in the stomach. I rolled away while he clutched his stomach in pain. He turned towards me again, and he roared. As he rushed towards me, I jumped and dropkicked him. He staggered backwards. As he fell, his head hit the counter and the microwave fell on
him.


I shielded myself as the microwave exploded, taking off his head. Now there was a body of a pig in the break room, and I instantly knew what to do with it.


"Did you bring home dinner?" My wife asked as she heard the door open.


"Yes I did. How do you feel about ham?"



Any and all criticism is welcome (unless you tell me to crawl into a hole and die, but none of you will do that, right?)! Thanks!

jenthepen
September 21st, 2015, 03:16 PM
Hi Warmaster, it's good to see you back and posting again. :)

I appreciate the spacing in your story, it makes it so much easier to read and follow what's happening when it is set out this way. It's pretty well written too, not any SPaG issues that I can see except that conversation and any tags are generally considered one sentence and joined by commas, like this:

"Why, thank you, Kenny. I'm quite elated that I could join you. After all, it's not every day that humans interview pigs." He told me.
"Why, thank you, Kenny. I'm quite elated that I could join you. After all, it's not every day that humans interview pigs," he told me.

"Did you bring home dinner?" My wife asked as she heard the door open.
"Did you bring home dinner?" my wife asked as she heard the door open.

I think you have some good ideas for humour in this piece - especially in the fight scene - but, for the reader, the whole scenario of the talking pig being interviewed is so surreal that the humour in the conversation is being lost. How about if Mr Wadsforth was a man with a pet pig? People can be pretty over-the-top and weird about their pets. You could have him being quite rational and good-natured at the start of the interview and then, because of the questions, becoming increasingly angry and belligerant until the whole thing deteriorates into the fight.

That's just an idea, of course, and you might completely disagree. Whatever you decide, though, I hope you keep writing and posting. You have a gift for getting your story across in a clear and interesting way and I'll look out for future stories from you.

jen

(A²M) AsquareM™
November 13th, 2015, 05:32 PM
Wow, nice story.
Surreal, indeed.
But, I didn't reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaally find it funny. A little humour here and there, however overall there wasn't much to laugh at, and this just felt as an imaginative conceptual short.
Maybe add some more funny questions instead of just giving the audience "...after a few more questions...".

Also, how in the sane mane did no one here a bloody microwave blast and kill a pig!
I mean, that's murder, given the fact you showed pigs as civilized creatures, they must have some position in the society.
Its funny he took the pig as dinner, but still, it's a little irksome to me.
No offence, 7/10.