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Thaumiel
August 31st, 2015, 11:27 PM
x

jambleshiroshima
September 1st, 2015, 11:17 PM
Really intriguing! Is that it though? Because I definitely want more. This is a really cool story, and it's absolutely insane the things our minds can come up with sometimes. If there is anything I can offer as far polishing I would say to focus on your sentence structure, but that is really it. You really kept the feeling of a trippy, dream-like state and I really hope this is not it at all! Good luck with whatever you decide to keep on doing!

Thaumiel
September 2nd, 2015, 12:14 AM
Thanks for taking the time to read it. Sadly that's it, my hand being grabbed at the end was me being woken up. I might write a longer tale based around it at some point though.

I'm noticing a recurring theme throughout all of my work (pieces on here, lab reports, etc.) in which people comment on the way I structure my sentences. I shall try keep it in mind next timeI write anything.

canary
September 10th, 2015, 06:22 AM
Looks like the beginning to a really intriguing horror story. If you're not going to finish it, someone else ought to...

I see a couple of typos and punctuation glitches, but for the most part, the language flows well to my ear.

Björn U. B.
September 28th, 2015, 06:27 PM
I think your story (or concept, depending on whether you plan to expand it) has a lot of potential. The thing with the dolls hanging from trees on a string is a very intriguing image. I think you could use that as a reocurring motive in your story. However, I think the voice of the first person narrator comes in too late. I'd suggest you try to introduce the narrator early on in the story, so that there will be no confusion about the voice of the narrative. I really hope you'll expand the thing into something bigger.

Harper J. Cole
September 28th, 2015, 08:11 PM
Funny what the subconscious mind can come up with; this is really interesting imagery, well worth expanding. My own dreams tend to fade before I can write them down, alas ...