View Full Version : Don't Hate, Flagellate -Short and Stupid :)

August 25th, 2015, 07:58 AM
I’ve always wondered how a person starts a story like this. I’ve always wondered, too, within the same jumble of this glorious mind of mine how narwhals became the unicorns of the sea. That is neither here nor there, however. I want to do the atypical anecdotal “It all began when I was 6 years old...” but lets take a journey much farther back. Oh, look, there’s chubby faced me hunkered in a corner toothlessly gnawing on a turkey leg. No no, back further. Aww. There’s me smiling at the ceiling. Nope, I am talking much further back. This is not a story about a baby on hapless adventure in discovering a sense of cognition and separation from her environment. This is the story of two people madly in love, tangled together in the gross, sweaty throes of parental passion as seen from the inside. Ew.

Ethel and Sammy

The Ovanarium was abuzz with joyous chanting as Ethel broke away from her sisters. They had heard through the Fallopian tubes that today would be match making day. Each wiggling suitor rushed in, looking dapper and well trimmed, sporting wing-tipped flagellum and enough pomade to drown a tiny mammal. With each suitor that arrived she simply smiled blankly, courteous yet generally disinterested. They were all the same, little wriggling business men with a singular goal in mind. Not a single one had asked about her day or her journey from the Ovanarium.

The Ovanarium had been her last bastion of peace, nestled together with her sisters, waiting patiently for her turn to descent as the uterine offering to appease the menstrual gods. Ethel wasn’t like the rest of her peers at the Ovanarium. She had dreams, hopes, aspirations, and a chaotic grab bag of genetic material to share. She wasn’t going to take this job lightly. By midday, however, she was beginning to feel the fatigue of fending off the grim faced sperm suitors. She wanted to rest, to give up, to let one in, any one, just to make the ritual stop finally. She held steadfast, her resolve steeled by the real morbid possibility that she would fall victim to a loveless marriage of DNA.

As the day wore on, Ethel grew truly tired. She could feel her outer lining begin to weaken with each onslaught. Suddenly the march was over. Ethel clung to the uterine wall alone, eased only by the steady thump of thunder coming from outside of the uterus. She felt as though she failed her order. With a long sigh she began to settle in. It would still be a couple more weeks before the culling began and she would be gone forever.

Enter Sammy the Sperm. Sammy was, by all accounts, the most laid back sperm in the battalion. He had begun his journey slow and steady, occasionally stopping to admire his surroundings. Oh yeah, Sammy was also very, very high. By the time he cleared the cervix the warmth of the battleground was beginning to harsh his buzz. Many of his comrades had fallen that day, writhing piteously in masses around him. These were the same fellows that had marched up and down the testicular training grounds as a newly developed sperm, each carefully combing their neat quiffs before soundlessly being jettisoned to the field.

Sammy shook his head. “That’s a real bummer, man. But these guys were never meant for combat.” Sammy continued to flagellate, fending off the bad vibes of death all around him when suddenly his eyes met Ethel. The little damp red world faded out of view and his heart, if he had a heart, swelled with passion.

Ethel had given up her fight, but she remained hopeful somehow she would fulfill her purpose. She saw no other suitors and resigned herself to failure when at last she spotted Sammy. He was a startling contrast to all the previous sperm, his hair long and unkempt, a worn tie dyed bandanna showed his spectacular features. He swam in circles with no real sense of direction, and that was all it took for her to fall in love. Oh, if her sisters at the Ovanarium could see her now. He was the embodiment of everything she was supposed to reject. He was perfect.

Sammy slithered up to her, smiling gently and whispered . “Hey, got any papers”. She shook her head, unsure of what papers were. “It’s cool, man, I have a roach.” He lit up, inhaling deeply (Lets forget for a moment that sperm do not have thumbs, or pockets, or lungs for that matter. This was how it went down, I was there!). Ethel indulged innocently and instantly felt a sensation of freedom welling up inside of her. Her words became free, her thoughts, desire, hopes all tumbled together in one brief statement. “I want you inside of me.”

“That’s cool. I can totally dig that.” Sammy said. With a final wink he descended into her, and a bolt of passion shot through them. Suddenly they were one, a gestalt of defiant feminine wiles and the lax, unencumbered stoner. Genetic materials bound together, multiplying until both Ethel and Sammy were no more. In their place a miracle of lazy genius was created.

That was how my sister was created. I am pretty sure my Ethel and Sammy barked like sea lions, giggled at fart jokes, and accidentally combined while fighting over the last good page of a coloring book. Moral of the story? Don't hate, flagellate.

August 25th, 2015, 10:37 AM
Love it!

August 25th, 2015, 12:27 PM
This was hilarious, a fine way to wake up in the morning XD

One tiny detail that many people get wrong, so don't worry, but sperms don't have any pockets, they carry little tiny sperm knapsacks that are usually full of tiny mining tools.

But besides that, sounds spot on!

Also, I'm sure your Ethel and Sammy were far classier than you imagine, and probably wondered how Narwhals became the unicorns of the sea as well

August 25th, 2015, 01:13 PM
This made my morning. Thanks.


August 28th, 2015, 10:01 AM
Great! Unique, funny and just... great!

August 28th, 2015, 10:26 AM
For a moment there my mind was cast into a Pixar-like production... excellent!

Somewhat appropriately...


August 28th, 2015, 12:50 PM
Loved it! Well written, original and well conceived.

August 28th, 2015, 05:25 PM
This made me laugh the first time I read it. I really like it. It sort of reminded me of the beginning of Look Who's Talking, but this is better. Thanks for sharing. :smile2:

August 29th, 2015, 03:30 PM
This was hilarious and creative.