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wainscottbl
August 20th, 2015, 04:50 AM
They apologized, but there was a rift between Robert and Johnny that could not easily be repaired. The apologies were more to appease friends than for justice’ sake. Robert, who could quickly forgive, in his mind, like the priest, could not absolve the offender if they were not contrite. And Johnny was not. He did not feel remorse for what he had said—for the unkindness—but still held Maggie to be an unworthy whore, and still was resentful that Robert had a better chance at what he desired—Emily.

Robert, however, had no romantic desire for Emily. Anastasia attracted him. But she was engaged. Yet he still liked her. He would almost say he desired her, but not quite, because he did not envy Bhavata like Johnny envied him for having the favor of the woman he liked. Bhavata was worthy of Anastasia, and she would be happy, perhaps happier, with him. For one, Robert had learned Anastasia was a [mid-level manager] at Cascade Advertisers, the rival of the Prince’s advertising firm.

Seeking the available Emily had crossed his mind, and he liked her very much. He was attracted to her even. He could imagine himself with her. But it stopped there, for whatever reason.

What he felt for Anastasia he could not explain. He was not subject to jealousy. He did not envy Chris for example. And he did not envy Bhavata. But Maggie had been right—his heart was romantic. He kept all these things in his heart. He did not even tell Emily, having left it at that he liked her that day he had sung Handel’s Semele. He did not confide in Maggie. What would she be able to say? There was no need to confide in a priest because he did not covet, so there was no sin. And he did not see a therapist. But at times the desire itself, and a certain guilt would eat at him, a feeling something short of a moral scruple. It would come to him suddenly, and would bother him for a while, and then pass.

And when he was with her, he felt desire. Not sexual desire, and not even a desire to be with her, at least not a conscious desire. He simply liked her.

20oz
August 23rd, 2015, 04:37 PM
You need to show, show me anything; I don't want to be told of what happened.

What's happening here to stir up these emotions, thoughts, and recounts? I've got no idea. Is he in a confessional? Is he watching TV? Is this supposed to be taking place at the time where Robert and Johnny are apologizing?

There's no showing to ground these paragraphs.

MousePot
August 23rd, 2015, 09:27 PM
Hi Wain

This is a very abstract piece XD

20oz is absolutely right, there is very little here to ground the reader, and while the situation sounds intriguing (quite a romantic rollercoaster seems to be unfolding!), it is very, very hard to follow. In 380 words you introduce us to about eight different characters, each with what seems to be a very rich and complicated relationship with every other character. I think, for the sake of clarity, you need to focus this section in on a smaller aspect, and then slowly introduce us to new characters, and how they effect the interaction of the main protagonists/antagonists.

Another point is to give us some physical actions here. Again like 20oz mentions, we need you to show us some of these emotions, not just tell us, as that not only makes it easier to follow the story, it gives you the opportunity to set the scene a little. For example, instead of telling us that Robert couldn't forgive Johnny, show us how he refuses to take Johnny's hand, and storms out the house/flat/church. Speech is another good way of doing this, as you can add layers to someones dialogue, hint at sarcasm, introduce knowing glances or fidgety hands while still progressing the narrative.

Hope this helps, would love to know where the plot goes ^^

wainscottbl
August 25th, 2015, 07:13 PM
I deleted this and redid the chapter to simply show. I

DaBlaRR
August 26th, 2015, 12:36 AM
That was a lot of names to take in a few paragraphs. I had to keep going back to see who was who was who. Maybe I'm just slow.

Thaumiel
August 26th, 2015, 01:00 AM
They apologized, but there was a rift between Robert and Johnny that could not easily be repaired. The apologies were more to appease friends than for justice’ sake. Robert, who could quickly forgive, in his mind, like the priest, could not absolve the offender if they were not contrite. And Johnny was not. He did not feel remorse for what he had said—for the unkindness—but still held Maggie to be an unworthy whore, and still was resentful that Robert had a better chance at what he desired—Emily.

Robert, however, had no romantic desire for Emily. Anastasia attracted him. But she was engaged. Yet he still liked her. He would almost say he desired her, but not quite, because he did not envy Bhavata like Johnny envied him for having the favor of the woman he liked. Bhavata was worthy of Anastasia, and she would be happy, perhaps happier, with him. For one, Robert had learned Anastasia was a [mid-level manager] - Either include the information in the sentence or don't. There's no need to have brackets. at Cascade Advertisers, the rival of the Prince’s advertising firm.

Seeking the available Emily had crossed his mind, and he liked her very much. He was attracted to her even. He could imagine himself with her. But it stopped there, for whatever reason.

What he felt for Anastasia he could not explain. He was not subject to jealousy. He did not envy Chris for example. And he did not envy Bhavata. But Maggie had been right—his heart was romantic. He kept all these things in his heart. He did not even tell Emily, having left it at that he liked her that day he had sung Handel’s Semele. He did not confide in Maggie. What would she be able to say? There was no need to confide in a priest because he did not covet, so there was no sin. And he did not see a therapist. But at times the desire itself, and a certain guilt would eat at him, a feeling something short of a moral scruple. It would come to him suddenly, and would bother him for a while, and then pass.

And when he was with her, he felt desire. Not sexual desire, and not even a desire to be with her, at least not a conscious desire. He simply liked her.

You use a lot the same words to begin sentences throughout. This with the onslaught of names, which were delivered in a rather clinical fashion, made this a somewhat difficult read. I'd honestly have struggled to read much more. It feels a lot like a description of what's going on in a story rather than the story itself.

I do apologise if you feel this a somewhat harsh view of your work, but I honestly don't mean to offend.

wainscottbl
August 26th, 2015, 01:30 AM
You use a lot the same words to begin sentences throughout. This with the onslaught of names, which were delivered in a rather clinical fashion, made this a somewhat difficult read. I'd honestly have struggled to read much more. It feels a lot like a description of what's going on in a story rather than the story itself.

I do apologise if you feel this a somewhat harsh view of your work, but I honestly don't mean to offend.

Yeah, I already deleted it for that reason. I felt the same. I'm going to submit the redo perhaps for critique. Thanks!

wainscottbl
August 26th, 2015, 01:46 AM
Here is the product of the redo folks

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/159602-Novel-Chapter-Language-Violence-Sexual-Content-2400-words