PDA

View Full Version : The Intruder



TheWonderingNovice
August 16th, 2015, 12:03 PM
It's my first attempt at humor so here goes nothing.

The Intruder

It was a hot Summer night and I had finally found the right position to sleep in when I got a phone call from my sister.

"This better not be another drunk dial or I swear I'll -"

"Oh thank God you answered! You have to come over right now."
She sounded distressed.

"Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"There's an intruder in the house. He came in through the window in the living room."

"Wait, slow down."

"There's no time. I need you, I'm scared."

Then she hangs up. I immediately got into the car and drove. I made the thirty minute trip in fifteen. I stepped out of the car baseball bat in hand. I knocked on her window but it was too late. I heard her scream and several thumps. I broke the window and jumped in.

My sister was on the floor crying in the fetal position.

"Where's the bastard!"

"I tried to hold him off, but he was just... He went into the bathroom."

I helped her up, making sure that the he hadn't hurt her. We both crept slowly to the bathroom in the hall. Her finger nails dug into my shoulders. I turned the door knob, my heart racing in anticipation. The door creaked as it opened slowly. It was worse than I thought.

Hiding in the tub was the intruder. The most vile creation to walk the earth, Satan's pet - a Palmetto bug.

"Kill it!" She screamed in my ear.

"Relax I got this. Looks like it's time to pull out the big guns"

I dropped the bat and go for my flip flop.

"Stay back, this could get messy."

I blocked off all his exits.

"Its the end of the line for you, buddy."

I swing the flip flop but I'm too late. The creature climbed the tiled wall and spreads his wings. There was no time for retreat. It's the end.

"Save yourself."

The END

qwertyman
August 16th, 2015, 01:48 PM
Nearly, but I didn't get past, 'My sister was on top of her night stand...' As soon as a female gets up on a chair screaming the immediate association is mice or insect. It's easily fixed.

More importantly you need a line which completely misdirects the reader. Something like, 'He's got a gun'. Of course it can't be that. If you find the line and change the 'my sister on the night stand' line, you have it.

I really liked the end it's quirky and amusing.

just saying, qwerty

TheWonderingNovice
August 16th, 2015, 03:26 PM
Got it, thanks.:thumbr:

DATo
August 16th, 2015, 04:12 PM
Nice story, and just the right amount of humor for a short piece. Thanks for the laugh!

TheWonderingNovice
August 16th, 2015, 05:40 PM
Thanks. Glad you liked it.

HalfRail
August 17th, 2015, 02:40 AM
See now, this is what I love. A sister calling her brother from the other side of town to kill a bug. Excellent.

CircuitRanger
August 19th, 2015, 01:15 AM
hehehe. you being able to lead me on thinking it was a burglar only for to turn out to be a bug they were so worked up about. innuendo is one of the cornerstones of comedy and you got it down pretty solidy.

dummy
August 22nd, 2015, 08:46 PM
Cute and funny! Enjoyable quick read. :)

KateMarie999
August 26th, 2015, 03:43 AM
Nice! I like the misdirection. I kind of had an idea of where it would go but I liked it all the same. :)

RayEver
August 26th, 2015, 07:54 AM
a drunk dial , satans pet and time to pull out the big guns all touched home for me and brought a smile to my face. I believe my wife would scream louder about a spider than an actual intruder.

Green Rabbit
August 31st, 2015, 01:12 AM
I really enjoyed this one, a cute story with a fun pay off. I sent most of the story wondering why the sister hadn't called 911, which led me to believe that something was "up" so to speak. Also if a bug flew right at me I would scream "SAVE YOURSELF!" not "Save yourself.", but I'm not a big bug guy. Nicely written.

bazz cargo
September 3rd, 2015, 11:17 PM
Hi TWN,
first off I enjoyed this. I think you need to return to this in about two months time for a quick re-edit. By then you will have a fresh pair of eyes and a slightly more 'mature voice.' It would make an interesting contrast.

Thanks for entertaining me,
Bazz

TheWonderingNovice
September 4th, 2015, 01:20 AM
Hi TWN,
first off I enjoyed this. I think you need to return to this in about two months time for a quick re-edit. By then you will have a fresh pair of eyes and a slightly more 'mature voice.' It would make an interesting contrast.

Thanks for entertaining me,
Bazz

Yeah, this is a short that was sitting in computer for a while. Thank you for the critique :D

Joseph Anderson
September 6th, 2015, 02:53 AM
That was entertaining and impressive. The "Satan's Pet" part cracked me up (I hate palmetto bugs too). Try to stress the sense of urgency the main character has when trying to get to the scene of the "crime". This will make the supposed severity of the situation contrast sharply with the revelation of who the real enemy really is.

SonicShane97
October 2nd, 2015, 01:37 PM
5905867983713187`0950--

Amnesiac
October 7th, 2015, 09:27 PM
I woulda' yelled something like, "G'ahhhhhh!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! BURN THE HOUSE! BURN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!"

Sonata
October 8th, 2015, 11:29 AM
I had to Google Palmetto Bug - and saw that it is an American cockroach. The ones we get here are large but do not fly but luckily I rarely see one, and if I do a quick squirt with either Raid or the delightfully named DeBugger and it is feet up.

The bane of my life are mice, even though no food is ever left out - not even potatoes, onions or garlic, and all packet food is put in plastic containers in the larder cupboard. I still have mice though, everywhere.

Aquarius
November 9th, 2015, 02:04 PM
I like the story and the way it is told, but what on earth is a Palmetto Bug?

Mariana
November 9th, 2015, 06:53 PM
LOL, cute and fun :D

TheWonderingNovice
November 11th, 2015, 03:31 AM
I like the story and the way it is told, but what on earth is a Palmetto Bug?
It is a nasty creature known as the American cockroach. They strike when you least expect it.

Thanks for reading :)

Nym P. Seudo
November 12th, 2015, 05:49 PM
It was a good bite-sized piece. However, some of the character dialogue doesn't fit quite well enough. The reader's amusement comes from the absurd reaction of the characters to the "threat." You might want to consider making the character's words serious even though the situation clearly isn't. For example:

"You thought you could come in to my sister's house and mess with her sleep? You picked the wrong sister!"

It's a very goofy line. From this character's perspective a dangerous enemy looms before him.

(A²M) AsquareM™
November 13th, 2015, 04:48 PM
LOL Wow, I like twist ending stories!
I really liked how you misdirected us, making us think its a serious situation.
GOD, calling her brother in the middle of the night 30 minutes away for a damn bug.

I didn't quite understand the ending though.
A little bit more easy on the language please?

Aquarius
November 13th, 2015, 05:35 PM
Thank you for explaining. I have just looked them up on the web. Oh yuck! [-X

Radrook
March 2nd, 2016, 11:27 PM
I really enjoyed this read. Especially the part at the end when the brother sees the insect take to wing and tells here to save herself because he feels just as threatened as she did. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!