View Full Version : An Apocalypse story Pt. 1 of 3 (VIOLENCE LANGUAGE)

August 15th, 2015, 02:31 PM
This is the beginning of another story I've written. Part Two is coming up soon. Enjoy!

Hi, My name is Sam, short for Samantha. Most people know me as the "Fox". Apparently I've made a name for myself as a sharpshooter . I wasn't before the calamity happened I just learned what was needed to survive. Tragedy changes people, I guess.

At the time, I didn't know what had happened. Most of us didn't. All we knew was that a lot of people died and that there was no one but ourselves to look to for help. It happened suddenly, too.

The day everything began was a fairly normal day. The sun was shining and there was not a single cloud in the wide open sky. It was a Monday and school had just begun. I sat trying to stay awake in my Calculus class. It was difficult. The teacher, no fault to her, was droning on and on about derivatives

Next to me my best friend, Matt, was goofing off as usual. He was tearing bits of paper from his notes and launching them off the end of his pen. His current target was a girl on the other side of the room who was concentrating very intently. She barely noticed the little wads of paper stuck in her hair or bouncing off her shoulder.

Matt noticed me looking his direction and smiled playfully. I pretended not to notice him and he feigned disappointment. He and I had been good friends since I met him, a messy boy with scruffy brown hair and a constant goofy smile, in first grade. It had been an unlikely friendship.

We became friends after I punched him in the face and broke his nose. At recess, back then, he had made fun of me for being a girl. I swung one at him and gave him a change of heart and a nosebleed. Our parents were furious of course, but since then we've been inseparable, always getting into and out of trouble together.

We were best friends through elementary and middle school but then high school rolled around. Teachers no longer tolerated the pranks and troublemaking of one's pre-pubescent years and higher behavioral standards were set. I decided it was time to grow up a little but Matt stayed the same old Matt. Freshman year we still were best friends but now, three years later, things had changed. We were still on good terms but we rarely talked outside of class. He had found his circle of friends and I, well... let's not talk about it. To keep it simple, fitting in is easier said than done.

Either way, as fate would have it, we shared a senior mathematics course, Calculus. Another odd twist of fate had been that we had been assigned seats directly next to each other. So now there was no avoiding each other.

Another reason we rarely talked was because in freshman year, Matt's parents had a messy divorce and he and his mum moved out of the neighborhood we both lived in. They were only a few more miles away but it made all the difference. Instead of seeing him every day our visits were limited to once a week or less.

Anyways, Calculus class. Boring as ever. As much as it bored me, I would give almost anything to be back there. We were in the middle of a quiz when a teacher's aide ran into the room. Not an unusual happening. He went to our teacher and told her to turn on channel six news.

The teacher protested but complied. She watched it on her computer for a while then gasped and brought it up on the projector screen.

A news anchor appeared on the screen the professional calm demeanor replaced by one of panic. "A state of emergency has been declared. The White House has fallen. At approximately 10:00 AM a series of explosions went off in the Capitol. The public has been advised to stay indoors and to remain calm. Please-"

The reporter paused as she listened to someone off screen. A studio tech stepped up to the set and passed her a piece of paper. The reporter glanced at it briefly and returned her gaze to the camera,"I have just now received news that more explosions have gone off in New York, Los Angeles,Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, Dallas...". The list continued on for several minutes.

I looked about the classroom, the silence echoing that of the news station. Everyone looked to be in a state of shock or confusion, eyes still glued to the projector screen. There was a moment's pause as students attempted to process what they had seen, then all eyes turned to the teacher.

"Now, students, Let's not panic", She began, it was obvious she was scared too. "We need to wait for the principal to decide the best course of action" She then sat down at her desk.

Silence. I remember the silence most clearly. Our class had always been the loud one but now, not even Matt had a clever comment. He looked frightened. I smiled at him reassuringly.

"My Mum's in Dallas" he whispered quietly. I realized what he was worried about.

"Don't worry. She's a smart person. She'll avoid the dangerous zones and I'm sure the first thing she'll do is come here for you"


After that fairly weak conversation, I asked to use the bathroom. The universe must have really liked me that day because stepping out of that classroom saved my life. I rushed to the bathrooms.

That's when the PA system crackled into life "By this point I'm sure all of you know what is going on in Dallas. I assure you that you are safe here. We are coordinating with local law enforcement to determine the best way to handle this situation and for now we are instructing all students and staff to remain in their classrooms. Students and staff will remain in their classrooms. I now would advise the staff to begin the lockdown procedure for an external threat. Close all blinds and turn off all lights. While we are not in full lockdown yet, I advise students to remain quiet and to refrain from asking parents to pick you up."

August 15th, 2015, 09:02 PM
Quite good so far. I will save commenting till after I read part II.

August 19th, 2015, 10:26 AM
I noticed some punctuation issues. Not too many, but some. Some of the writing was "shotgun-esque". (Its hard to critique something without sounding rude, not my intention btw). I really love the allure of post-apoc stories. So much can be done with it but so little at the same time. The reason for the ending is always curious. And how the characters react is key to me. What are they doing differently in this story compared to others? Know what I mean? Also, was the opening sentences a way of "looking back" and then telling the story from the beginning? The transition was a little hazy. Overall, I find it interesting (with polish) and I will read the other parts. I saw there are 2 more. I myself have had a stab at post-apoc writing. What is posted here on the site and what I have might differ since I've had time to refine the story over time. You can find it on my profile. Its called "The Scorching" if you feel up to reading it and comparing notes and styles.

August 19th, 2015, 09:32 PM
Gotta say, i'm loving it so far. Looking forward for more.

September 26th, 2015, 02:29 AM
Great so far, character development and dialogue is always hard on me, yet you seem like a seasoned pro.

September 26th, 2015, 04:41 AM
Isn't there a singer or actress named Samantha Fox? I guess your character's name/nickname won't be confusing if Samantha Fox is a minor “star”—I don't know if she is or not.

This is definitely a quick read—is it specifically for younger readers?

September 26th, 2015, 06:10 PM
To be honest I don't know who Samantha Fox is and I really don't know what audience I write for. Could be anybody, really.