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jtgrall
August 3rd, 2015, 02:05 AM
Adventures of cannon

Earth’s natural resources had long been used up. These days Earth’s people had to rely on other planet’s resources to maintain life on this over populated planet. The rich and powerful, farmed planets for their resources, and Colonies were set up on planets with similar atmospheres to Earth for people with money and power. Space exploration was in its Glory days. However noble any expedition is, there is always an agenda of those who fund these adventures. Nothing has changed in the thousands of years since Christopher Columbus set sail to find a shorter shipping route to the East Indies. This Story Does not start in a distant galaxy but rather in a small town on Earth. Well, it was a Small town for Present day Earth, It was nearly three hundred miles in circumference. The City was located on the Coast of which was once known as Southern California.

CH1. Early Life
In this City there was a Teenage boy named Cannon, He had long Brown hair that almost went to his shoulders and went in every direction except straight, He was thin but Muscular with pale Green eyes and you would never find him far from the beach. His parents were hard working people that were struggling to get by, and because his parents were always working Cannon had lots time to get himself into trouble. Cannon and his group of friends were always playing pranks on his classmates, and he was one of the most Popular kids in his grade. Every day after school Cannon would leave his house before his parents came home with his surfboard and catch some evening waves while watching the sunset. One of the few beautiful things left on this planet. Every night while Cannon surfed he told himself that he was going to leave this planet, and he was going to glow brighter than the orange and red sky of Earth. He then rode his bike back home with his surfboard under his arm, and when he got home he studied as hard as he could hoping that one day he could get a scholarship to a university off of Earth.
On the other side of the city there was a girl named Ellia. She had piercing Blue eyes, Long blonde hair that was always tied back, and a smile that belonged far away from Earth, and into the heavens. Both of her parents had great wealth and lived in the Pegasus Galaxy, but died tragically in an accident when she was just a baby. Ellia had no other known family members in the near galaxy so they sent her to an orphanage on Earth. Ellia was allowed to keep her parents fortune but she was not allowed to touch the money, or leave Earth until she was eighteen years old. Orphanages on Earth are not as bad as orphanages in the pre 2000’s. Every child was given their own room, They were fed well, they got to go to school, and do all the after school activities that every other child got to do. However nothing can replace the unconditional love of parents, and Ellia never knew what it was like to have a close loving relationship with anyone. It was hard for her to make friends, so she retreated into her books, and she fell in love with the sciences. She won her High School science fair, and she knew that when she turned eighteen that she was going to leave the planet and go to one of the best college for the Sciences.


Ch 2. Northern Lights University


Going to College on a different planet can be very difficult, and being from Earth makes it more difficult. Very few students from Earth ever get accepted into College off Earth. One reason is that they don’t have the money to pay their way through school, and second is they do not have the connections to get accepted. Only about one percent of the High School students on earth get to go to College on another planet. The few that are accepted are outcasts. They are looked down on as poor, and they can’t relate to the culture of the students that were raised on other planets. Kids growing up on other planets listened to different music, watched different sports, ate different foods, and lived in a much different environment. They were practically a different species, other than having the same genetic structure.
Cannon ended up having top marks in High School, and was accepted with a scholarship to many Large Universities out of our Galaxy. One of the Colleges was Northern Lights University. Northern Lights was on a Planet similar to earth called Arc. Arc was slightly smaller than earth and the Ocean only made up about thirty percent of Arc’s surface. The majority of water on the planet was concentrated at the planets poles as glaciers, Which made Arc much cooler than Earth. The distance from Arc’s sun and its angle made a constant aurora around its equator, and the equator on Arc is not tropical like earths, but much more like a forest. It is very similar to the old Redwood forest in the northern California region of Earth. This is where Northern Lights University was located. Cannon chose to go to this school because of its good reputation for having successful Communication department, and Cannon had always wanted to be on television, and because it was rated the number one party school in the Universe.
Cannon had never been off Earth, he had never even flew anywhere on Earth. So he was very nervous when he was getting ready to get on the space shuttle to leave Earth. He never had much so it was easy for him to pack his things. He had a suit case full of clothes, and his surfboard just in case he came across some waves out in space. His plans were to take a small space craft to the spaceport on the moon, where he would transfer to a larger space craft to Arc.
When the shuttle arrived Cannon said goodbye to his parents, and boarded the craft. He found his seat next to a window, on the middle of the shuttle. As the shuttle took off Cannon watched the his parents get smaller and smaller until they vanished. He then looked at the city from above, He was so happy to be leaving the over crowded city. Eventually they reached space, looking down at earth was strange. It looked as if the planet was uninhabited. All you could see are oceans, giant patches of land, and ice caps. It was truly beautiful. It took about thirty minutes to get to the moon. They arrived to a large space port. There were not many people that lived on the moon. There was a small town where the people that worked at the space port lived, and it had a large hotel for people to stay at if they were waiting for their shuttle. The town on the moon was covered by a clear dome that was around six miles in diameter. Giant domes were built to support life on areas in space with no oxygen and climates that would normally kill people. These domes could be a hundred miles in diameter to only a few miles. These were very costly and people took this in to consideration while finding planets to colonize. Most planets that were colonized had the same atmosphere as earth or similar enough to survive without building domes. Cannon had never been to the moon before and decided to pick up a few snacks in town before his shuttle to Arc. When he was walking through the brightly lighted town he saw a candy store, Where they had an assortment of sweets from around the universe. He chose some strange hard candies that were shaped like planets, and some chocolate peanut butter squares from earth which were his favorite candy as a child. Cannon looked at his watch and realized there was an hour and a half before his flight so he decided to head back to the port.
On his way back to the port he saw a large giant T.V. hanging from a large building. On the T.V. there were athletes in a gigantic stadium playing a strange sport. They were on some moon where there was little gravity, and each player had a stick in their hands with small nets on the end. The players were running and jumping extremely high chasing a small metal ball, and trying to catch it in their net. When one of the players had got the ball in his net they would run and jump trying to avoid the players on the other team on his way to five poles on the ground, and on each of these poles was a glass sphere. The first team to shatter all the spheres or the team to shatter the most spheres in a ninety minutes were the winners, On the bottom of the screen said Glo-Ball Championships. Cannon instantly fell in love with the sport. He liked how the players looked so free when they jumped high off the moons surface, almost as if they could fly. Cannon headed back to the space port, and boarded his shuttle. It took the shuttle three weeks to travel to Arc because it was many light years away from earth, and the space shuttles of the time could only go a little bit over the speed of light. The shuttle was very luxurious, or at least for Cannon it was luxurious. Each person on the flight had their own small cabin with a bed, a table, and a touch screen computer which also could be used as a television. Cannon spent most of the trip meeting new people and trying new foods in the shuttles cafeteria. Cannon realized that people seemed to be a lot nicer to him when he did not mention that he was from earth. People looked at people from earth as dirty and did not want to be associated with them. Cannon knew that when he arrived to Northern Lights University that he was going to have to be very successful at whatever he did to get respect from his peers.
When cannon arrived to Arcs spaceport he realized how much larger it was than the moons spaceport. The Space port was located on the outside of the city. Arc had only one very large city on the entire planet so they just called it Arc. Cannon picked up his bags and waited at the terminal for a taxi-driver. It was a forty-five minute drive from the space port to the school. Northern Lights University was on the outside of the city of Arc and was in a heavily wooded Forrest. When the Taxi got to the begging of the Forrest the highway turned into a narrow road that went for several miles in to the Forrest. The trees here were so big and so close together they seemed to block out the sun. The road looked like it was going to end, then a road that was covered by trees appeared to the right and the taxi made a turn on this road. The road was dark, but at the very end of it was a light. The light got bigger and bigger until cannon realized that it was a large clearing in the Forrest. On this clearing there seemed to be a large town. There was a large bell tower and several large buildings that made up the college. These large buildings we surrounded by a large town with many houses. The Taxi stopped at the University Housing offices and let cannon out. When Cannon got out of the taxi he went into the housing office and set up his living arrangement for the semester.
The housing was set up where the students have to share a two bedroom cottage with another student, where each student had their own room. The cottage had a decent sized kitchen to cook food in, a living room to watch television, and a bathroom that the students had to share. Cannon arrived to his room before his roommate. So he set up his room and started unpacking his clothes. He put up his favorite poster of a surfer on the wall, placed his Surf Board in the far corner of the room and on the opposite wall he put up a picture of the earth flag. The earths flag was blue with a giant yellow circle in the middle, and inside the yellow circle were all earths continents in green. Over the yellow sphere there were seven golden stars to represent all of earths continents. After he set up his room he realized how hungry he was and decided to go to the Schools cafeteria. Cannon loved walking through the campus. There were massive red brick buildings all over campus, in the middle of campus was a giant green field scattered with a few massive trees. The atmosphere on Arc allowed trees to grow nearly to a thousand feet tall. The cafeteria Was located across the field and next to the bell tower. As Cannon walked through the grass field towards the cafeteria he noticed a few scattered groups of students who arrived a few days early for school. Cannon opened the doors to the large cafeteria. The cafeteria had a woman at the entrance to check Identification cards of the students as they walked by, Cannon greeted her with a “hello” and continued in to the large room. There was about two hundred round tables in the center of the room where students could sit and eat. Along the perimeter of the room there was a buffet set up, where the students could choose the food they wanted. Cannon picked up a plate and walked around the perimeter picking up any kind of food that looked good to him. He got some meat that he had never seen before, Some type of bread with chunks of strange red and green fruit inside of it, and some green salad. The only food he recognized from earth was pineapple from the fruit bar, so he scooped out a couple of spoonfuls of pineapple. Then he looked for a place to sit, he saw many empty tables, and tables with two or three students eating together. Then he saw a table with a girl eating alone. He decided to head to that table and try to meet somebody new. Cannon approached the table and made eye contact with the girl. He asked. “is it okay if I sit here?” she looked around to make sure he wasn’t talking to anybody else. Then she quietly said, “Sure.” Cannon took a seat at the table, and the girl quietly kept eating her food not daring to look up from her plate. Cannon noticed how beautiful the girl was with her long blond hair, and her blue eyes. So he tried to start a conversation with her. He said, “Hi, My name is Cannon. How are you?” The girl looked up and said, “I’m Good.” She clearly looked agitated and didn’t want to talk, but this made Cannon want to talk to her more. “how long have you been going to school here?” he asked. “this is my first day.” She said. Cannon happily said, “Me too, This is my first day on Arc. What part of Campus do you live on?” without making eye contact she said, “I don’t live on campus, I have an apartment in the city.” Cannon was surprised, Living in the city cost a lot. This girl clearly came from a family with money. Cannon noticed on the girls plate there was Pineapple. “You like Pineapple?” he asked. “I come from the planet where Pineapple comes from.” He said with a smile. This time the girl looked up from her plate, and at cannon with a disapproving look. “oh you are from earth?” she said. Then she looked at the clock as if she was late for something and said, “Well, I have to go run a few errands.” As she stood up and walked away. Cannon was disappointed, that the girl with beautiful blonde hair didn’t want to talk to him, but he was still excited to be in college on a new planet. He made several trips back to the buffet line to try as much new food as he could. He liked most of the new food he tried. His favorite new dish however was a mysterious bread filled with a strange sharp cheese like substance, and topped with some strange looking mushroom like plant that was very spicy. Cannon finished eating put his plates into the giant bin designated for dirty dishes, and headed back to his cottage.

WriterJohnB
August 14th, 2015, 02:11 PM
jtgrall,

You're probably wondering why your writing sample is getting no comments. I imagine it's because it's hard to read. One of the first things a serious writer must do is learn to format. Are you writing with MS Word? This is center-justified, should be left justified, with an indent for start of a paragraph. Use a larger font and put a little space between the lines. Also, the random capitalization of words threw me off. Okay, that out of the way, here comes the critique. Let me warn you, I tell it like it is, because one of the other first things for a new writer is to learn to accept criticism. It will help you grow as a writer. You don't have to like criticism, but you should consider how you can use it to improve your writing style.

This looks like it could be an interesting story, but you lose the reader with a huge info dump at the beginning. After you TELL us about the world, you TELL us about Cannon and then TELL us about Allia, and then TELL us about college. By then I was feeling like I'd been TOLD OFF. Don't TELL us about your world or galaxy, SHOW us. By that, I mean you need to show the world through your Main Character's eyes. I would recommend you learn how to do this from one of the old masters - Robert A. Heinlein. Go to Amazon and read the free sample of CITIZEN OF THE GALAXY

But your spelling, grammar and punctuation are sound, which is the foundation of a good writer, you just need to develop a style. Read my recommended sample and then look at other books you've enjoyed. Copy their style and, eventually, you'll have your own engaging style. I enjoy helping new writers and hope I've opened your eyes to a new way of writing. Also, I would recommend Stephen King's book ON WRITING. Good luck, you can do it.

JohnB