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Thaumiel
July 30th, 2015, 06:35 PM
x

Riptide
July 30th, 2015, 07:18 PM
I smiled at this. Cute little deal going on. A few things, though:

Kneeling down in the barn among some of the worse animals, he was being watched ---This line doesn't flow in my eyes, Maybe: As he knelt in the barn among some of the worse animal, two others watched him. I don't know, but the first one seems odd.

The next line: white dress was sat on the hay ---white dress sat

What’s to stop him striking a deal with me---- him from striking

Now, seriously, cool story. Don't know if you're planning on continuing it, but it sounds like it'd be fun to write. Nice job!

CodyWright77
July 30th, 2015, 09:07 PM
James. James, James, James.

I dig it. I wanted to say that upfront. As a Christian, I think you could have a really interesting story going on, but it really depends on how you plan on marketing the story and its use. I would love to consult with you about such a story as this; I feel there is major potentiality. Below is my critical review. These are just my opinions, take it as you would.


Things had been looking bleak at the farm for days. Animals were getting sick and dying far too quickly for the farmer and his family to cope with remove. He wasn’t a particularly religious man, but times were hard and he didn’t know where else to turn. So that night, he prayed.

Kneeling down in the barn among some of the worse worst animals, he was being watched. A fair woman in a long white dress was sat on the hay behind him, and next to her a giant, emaciated wolf. They were the Queen of Prosperity and the Beast of Disease and Burden. I really like these names. For old world gods, they fit beautifully. Any research or are these straight from the ol' skull noggin'?

“See what you’ve done to all these poor creatures, pup. Now he’s going to turn to me, you watch” she remarked, smugly. I can hear her like the White Witch from Narnia.

“How would you know, he hasn’t even said anything yet and you’re not omnipotent like One True. What’s to stop him striking a deal with me?” growled the wolf to his visibly disgusted companion.

“Yes but he only says ​Italicize for effect he is. A god with a name like One True is bound to be full of himself, perhaps enough to lie about that sort of thing. Do you think any of us can do half the things humans say we can?” the lady sneered.

But the wolf had no reply. For at that moment a short, bipedal goat had popped into existence in front of the man. Being a fledgling god, the farmer wouldn’t have been able to see him, even if he had tried to manifest. So he simply regarded the man for a short time before deciding that he was named ‘The Most Holy Goat Lord of Healing’. Being new to the game he decided to ask the two older gods about the world. Yet, from their blank stares, it appeared they didn’t speak Goat-Latin.

It was going to be a long night.

So the world you have is one in which gods are created at the universe's whim, where there is a great god called One True, and other big gods (the lady and the wolf), and then lesser gods (the goat). Cool. Stories like this often seem to be going somewhere; they are to teach. What do you want to teach the world using this story?

I can see this being a purely funny story with the exchange of the little god and the bigger gods.

I can see this being very serious, too. It feels like a fable (well-written for a fable), and I like fables.

But I think you fall somewhere in the realm of C.S. Lewis and the Screwtape Letters. [Link removed by Cran]

McJibbles
July 30th, 2015, 09:31 PM
I'm sorry that I don't have much critique for this. Interesting thought, and perhaps the most attractive title ever. If I ever saw a book called Small Gods, tucked away on a shelf at the library, I would have to open it. If it was across the room I would sprint to go get it. That being said, your title now belongs to me. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Thaumiel
July 31st, 2015, 12:04 AM
I smiled at this. Cute little deal going on. A few things, though:

Kneeling down in the barn among some of the worse animals, he was being watched ---This line doesn't flow in my eyes, Maybe: As he knelt in the barn among some of the worse animal, two others watched him. I don't know, but the first one seems odd.

The next line: white dress was sat on the hay ---white dress sat

What’s to stop him striking a deal with me---- him from striking

Now, seriously, cool story. Don't know if you're planning on continuing it, but it sounds like it'd be fun to write. Nice job!

I did think the first one you mentioned was a bit of a strange line but I wasn't sure what to do with it. As for the second I see where you're coming from. The third one is a bit of a funny one because it's dialogue and I hear similar sentence structures used every day. I guess if I wrote more I'd have to think a bit more about the character's voices.

Thank you for the crit. :)


I'm sorry that I don't have much critique for this. Interesting thought, and perhaps the most attractive title ever. If I ever saw a book called Small Gods, tucked away on a shelf at the library, I would have to open it. If it was across the room I would sprint to go get it. That being said, your title now belongs to me. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Turns out you can, it's the thirteenth discworld novel (I haven't got that far yet), I thought it sounded familiar...

CodyWright77
August 1st, 2015, 02:29 AM
I'm not really sure what happened to the comments that I tried to post earlier ... bummer. I don't have time to go back and re-do it either.

Anyways, I like what you've done. If it is meant as comical, it needs more work, but if it is meant to be in the realm of fable, it fits perfectly. I hope you develop a plot here, even for the sake of a short story. I think this narrative has great potential.

I would look back over your work, and look for words/phrases that could be taken out. A little tightening will really make this shine.

As others have said, the title is awfully inviting.

DATo
August 2nd, 2015, 10:10 PM
This piece reminded me of Ivan Krylov's fables; however, without the inevitable, moralistic pronouncement.

MindBlank
August 14th, 2015, 09:31 AM
I enjoyed reading this, and would definitely like to read more if you're planning on continuing further. The only thing I would suggest is after the wolf asks 'what's to stop him striking a deal with me?' there's no answer from the lady. Would be good to see a quick comment to further their obvious banter before going on to talk about One True. Not that important though, just an idea.

JasonNewton
August 15th, 2015, 01:46 PM
very evocative title. I enjoyed reading this.

Desinori
August 16th, 2015, 04:58 AM
Well that was charming little read :3

I agree with Cody - the story certainly feels like a fable or an allegory. If that's what you intended, it would be nice to see you play around with the theme a little more. Small Gods...there seems to something going with the farmer and him spontaneously praying to life the little goat man. Is it the farmer that's the "Small God"? :mrgreen:

Tbird0000
August 21st, 2015, 11:29 AM
Nice short piece. I like it. I like stories where there are different gods for everything. It seems there is a hierarchy which is good in my opinion. Keep it up.

wainscottbl
August 24th, 2015, 12:28 AM
worse animals

I think adding "of the" or something would work better here. I am not even sure this is grammatically correct, at least on the books. I think it is accepted, but I think "worser" would be correct, though it is non-standard a Google search, so "of the" or something like that is the better use.


I liked it. Cute, as the ladies would put it. Quirky. Witty. Not sure if it was just meant to be this, a flash piece for fun, or to be something more. Either way, I like it. Reminds me of Animal Farm.