View Full Version : Fourth-from-end chapter in fantasy WIP

July 28th, 2015, 09:48 AM
removed - issues resolved

July 29th, 2015, 09:23 PM
Okay, I've have a few questions before I fully respond to this piece.

1) Where does this fit in your novel? You said the
fourth from end-chapter
. Does that mean the end of your novel as a whole as in "almost the last chapter", or is this "Chapter 4" of your work (thereby a relatively "early" chapter in the story)?

2) Do you want any other criticisms as to the writing style, word usage, suggestions for clarity/continuity and flow?

Thanks. I'll continue reading and will only answer the questions that you have at the end of your work, if that's all you want. Thanks for posting!

July 29th, 2015, 09:54 PM

It's about chapter 35 in a 39 (give or take) chapter WIP. It's approaching the denouement / big battle. And, yep, any criticisms you have will be useful, though I am particularly interested in tone and tension so feel free to just comment on that if you're short on time :)


July 29th, 2015, 10:22 PM
Okay, here we go.

- what do you think of the characters? Like 'em? Hate 'em? Drowning in a sea of indifference?
I love their names. Very interesting usage, easy to pronounce (fantasy standards), and fun. Noddy was interesting, but Ixawod was boring, which is bad news because it sounds like he may be your MC? It's really difficult to come in on the tail end of a story and figure out anything about the characters. There doesn't seem to be a lot of character development going on in this bit, so it's really hard for me to give a fair assessment on how I feel about your characters. I'll continue this thought after I answer your other question.

- what do you think of the tone of the piece? Too modern? Tense? Light hearted?
Very Light-hearted. I'm not sure the target audience you have in mind (though I see words such as bitch, so I'm assuming adult), but this is a war, right? Demons and a (slightly) advanced people? I get the vibe of a WWI, British warfare mingled with Monty Python. Modern isn't bad, but I didn't anything that seemed such. 1920's was the vibe I got.

The greatest problem I have with this, is the amount of telling you do at the reader. You told me a lot about what was happening, or what has happened, like a voice over. But I didn't get to experience a lot of the narrative. I found myself skipping over the vast paragraphs to get to where the story picked up again: the dialogue. Maybe this is by design, and if so, forgive my ignorance; this is just my opinion. I'll be glad to give a more in depth critique on a snippet of your work here, if you need me to clarify what I'm saying. Otherwise, take it for future reference :)

I like the idea you've got, and I think your story has real potential, but it needs some tightening. It needs more showing, rather than telling. It's hard to comment on the characters because I am introduced to them (presumably) after most of their personal growth/development has been illustrated. Either way, keep it up. We can only become better if we keep on writing.

I really appreciate your post. The more I see, the more I can learn from :)

July 30th, 2015, 06:53 AM