View Full Version : Dear Tourists

July 28th, 2015, 05:16 AM
Dear Tourists,
Colorado is a wonderful state. It is beautiful, temperate, and mostly free of things likely to eat you. It is no wonder why many people from the East and Midwest come to visit. That being said, there are some very specific rules you must follow if you intend to visit my home state.

#1) Narrow Roads
There are many one lane dirt roads in Colorado. Many of them skirt precipitous drops or other beautiful but imminently hazardous features. When driving on such roads the person going uphill ALWAYS has the right of way. This is because even a super-duty-cj-land-wagon with a 3 fathom lift kit, and tires the size of a smart car, will have trouble starting on a hill made of loose rock, mud, or snow. The person going downhill has a responsibility to consider the needs of the other driver and promptly pull off to the side. If this is impossible, try reversing to a place where you can pull of. Do all of this without falling to your death. Also, if you cannot stop, aim for a tree and pray. It is usually better to wreck than it is to fall.

#2) How to Be Slow
At high altitude there isn't much oxygen. People struggle to breathe and can become sick very quickly if the become dehydrated. Cars struggle as well. Don't worry, the locals understand. Your 1984 Subaru isn't fast to begin with, but on a 7% grade and 11,000 feet it is merely a gasoline powered snail. Take your time, enjoy the breathtaking scenery, and pull over to let faster people by. It will cost you some time, but is guaranteed to save you the stress of having 35 angry motorists follow you to the next rest stop.

#3 Gawking
Elk are beautiful. They really are. And no one will hold it against you if you want some photos to show Auntie Helga back home. That being said, DO NOT stop in the middle of the road to gawk at the wildlife. By all means take your pictures, bask in the beauty of nature, but get out of the way while you do it.

#4) Nature's Call
In the more rural areas of Colorado there may be 40 or more miles between gas stations or rest stops. It is unavoidable that from time to time nature will call with 20 miles of winding bumpy road between you and civilization. It is culturally acceptable under said circumstances to do as the bears do. It is not, however, acceptable to do so in plain sight. This state has lots of trees. Use them! In the absence of trees a car door works well. It should be noted that jumping a fence to find cover is only advisable inasmuch as the other side is public land. Private land may hold grumpy ranchers, large and unfriendly dogs, or even larger and more unfriendly bulls.

#5) Snow
Driving in snow is an acquired skill. If you don't have it, drive in the slow lane. DO NOT hog the fast lane, DO NOT stop on a hill, and DO NOT assume that your four wheel drive Hemi-Rover makes you invincible. I have a tow strap in my Subaru for people who ignore these rules and end up swimming in a snowbank.

#6) Weed
If you're coming here to get stoned, do not drive. Get a cab, use Uber, or go to the thrift store and buy a cheap bicycle with tassels on the handlebars. Better yet, go to Washington, I hear it's lovely.

Should you decide to visit my home state, I'm sure you won't be disappointed. The views will stun you, the stillness will calm you, and the thin air will take your breath away. While you're here, follow these rules. Locals like me will bless your memory as you fade into the rear view.

August 17th, 2015, 06:36 PM
I was in Colorado in July. I believe that I witnessed all of these transgressions first hand. I really enjoyed the mother of 2 small children...prompting them to get right up close to the bull elk...so that she might get a selfie of her and the kids with the elk on her iPad. I just held my breath and waited for the impending disaster. However, as is often the case, ignorance is bliss and they skipped away without a scratch to find some WiFi for their FaceBook post.

August 18th, 2015, 05:47 AM
"if you get stoned, don't drive, use uber" yeah... i would rather just take a normal cab thank you very much. no happy ending for me thanks.

August 18th, 2015, 12:46 PM
Uber comes with happy endings? I am so far behind the times. I wasn't exactly sure what Uber is, but now you've piqued my interest. I need to get that app.

August 19th, 2015, 01:09 AM
hahahaha. you going to go far in life with that wit dude.

Green Rabbit
August 31st, 2015, 02:02 AM
I liked this quick little story. I suspect each of us could write something similar about our own home states. ("Despite what you've seen in the movies, it's pretty unlikely you will experience much less see a tornado here in the northwest.") The only one that surprised me was the first rule. I went on vacation in Colorado a few years ago and was warned about bears and such while out hiking. Maybe someone was pulling my leg.

(A²M) AsquareM™
November 15th, 2015, 01:46 PM
Oh wow, I like how this guide was presented with sarcastic or cynical humour.
I love reading such texts.
You sir, just inspired me to write something like this myself.
I look forward to more from you.

Red Sonja
November 15th, 2015, 08:25 PM
I've lived in Colorado since 1969. My advice for tourists is actually quite succinct, though I can appreciate your desire to provide helpful explanations for the clueless.

Dear tourists: GO HOME. If for some reason you MUST come here, please do not drive, ski, hike, hunt, camp, mountain-climb, or attempt to wear cowboy-styled clothing.

Many thanks!


The citizens of Colorado

November 19th, 2015, 08:36 PM
Here in the mountains of western North Carolina, I really do empathize with you about tourists.

Our neighbor has a bumper sticker on his truck that says:

"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

November 19th, 2015, 08:40 PM
This is pretty cute, and funny. It made me smile. Even though I've never been to Colorado, I can understand and sympathize with some of the issues, as I live in Florida which is a big tourist state. Best of luck to you with the rest of your writing!

November 21st, 2015, 07:14 PM
Great piece. My brother wants his bachelor party in Colorado. I don't think it's for the elk and scenic views though...

November 21st, 2015, 07:23 PM
Uber comes with happy endings? I am so far behind the times. I wasn't exactly sure what Uber is, but now you've piqued my interest. I need to get that app.

Have you seen the average uber driver? You might change your mind. :)

December 4th, 2015, 03:39 AM
My brother lived in Denver for a while and one Christmas I went to visit him. On the way to his apartment, he was telling me about the elevation issues and how I need to take care not to exert myself too much at this altitude. I ignored him and ran up the stairs to his second floor apartment taking the steps two at a time. When I got to the top I wished I was dead.

The altitude and the thin air are REAL.

December 4th, 2015, 05:15 AM
Strangely enough, while I understand and appreciate the frustration over tourists, the smug superiority complex that most Coloradoans have has made it so that I personally never want to journey there. There are plenty of other beautiful places in this world with better attitudes.

December 4th, 2015, 06:49 AM
Strangely enough, while I understand and appreciate the frustration over tourists, the smug superiority complex that most Coloradoans have has made it so that I personally never want to journey there. There are plenty of other beautiful places in this world with better attitudes.

I don't know Ams, I wouldn't form a poor opinion of a locality because of a humorous bit of writing or even the perspectives of some that live there. You can find that anywhere. I lived in both Colorado and Wyoming long before most of those now living there were even born or moved there. Funny thing about human nature, some that end up living in a locale get this stay out of my back yard attitude. In actuality they might not have have been able to settle there if it weren't for the economic boon in Colorado, which includes the tourist industry.

Granted, I lived mostly in Wyoming which is still the least populous state in the country. But I did live in the Springs area a while. Even had some of my training at Camp Hale (nearby the now Vail Ski Resort). When I came back to the states, the Denver-Springs-Pueblo stretch was turning into one big suburb with all the new people settling there.

With Colorado's economic ties to tourism, I wonder how the now residents would fare without such ;-)

"Well I've wrestled with reality for thirty-five years now, doctor, and I'm happy to state I've finally won out over it." ~ Elwood P. Dowd, Harvey

Personally, being in good part Shoshone, I think the real problem has its roots in the poorly considered Native American immigration policy :highly_amused:

The writing isn't bad and is amusing. Thank you for a humorous glimpse of what Colorado is now :-)

May the pen be with you.

Red Sonja
December 4th, 2015, 03:36 PM
I totally want for you to feel that way: Like you don't like it here in Colorado and don't want to be here. There are much better places for you to be! Thanks!

December 4th, 2015, 03:47 PM
I just don't understand that attitude, Red. It screams of selfishness and snobbery. Who has the time to keep that up?

As for the actual piece, I liked the humor and I liked the actual advice hidden within that humor.

December 4th, 2015, 03:51 PM
Just a reminder that the humor sub-forum is still a creative forum. That means that the OP is meant for critique (are there any nits, is it humorous since this is humor?). It doesn't mean you can't make a side comment about the subject, of course, but any discussion strictly about tourism separate from the piece itself should really be in the lounge :D

December 5th, 2015, 03:08 PM
I enjoyed this piece very much. The first two paragraphs remind me of a most hilarious passage in Bill Bryson's great travel book The Lost Continent, where he describes a hair-raising drive through the Colorado mountains, at one point saying that he expected a mountain lion to leap onto him from a rock and scalp him, with a sound like two strips of Velcro being parted. Perhaps you would give us some more items in this vein. C j

December 14th, 2015, 09:39 AM
Advertising company for Colorado :cookie::cookie::cookie:

December 19th, 2015, 08:11 PM
I love Colorado, sorry, I'm visiting soon and I may or may not be partaking in your wonderful marijuana :icon_cheesygrin: Ill make sure to use an uber!

January 16th, 2016, 07:47 PM
Good funny read (Y)

February 19th, 2016, 02:40 PM
A nice little read. Your comments regarding limited oxygen remind me of time spent in Austria and Switzerland many years ago.

February 27th, 2016, 06:55 PM
Wow! This was a great read! Both informative and entertaining. Never been to Colorado but if I ever find myself on the road there your advice will come in very handy. Especially the one about easing nature on private property by mistake and getting gored by an annoyed bull or getting shot-gunned in the groin by an enraged property owner.
Thanks for sharing. :razz:

March 6th, 2016, 06:37 PM
Good wit, enjoyed the way it was delivered. I got a very sardonic feel from the way you wrote and it was appreciated, very entertaining if I say so myself. The one on high altitudes and the references to 'taking your breath away' following it were great.