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HersheyKiss
July 16th, 2015, 04:19 AM
The air hissed as Jamie stepped out of the docked space craft. His footsteps echoed through the launch bay. With each step, a cloud of dust rose at Jamie's feet. "I wish to speak to commander Collinder." Jamie's voice scratched over the new intercom.

"Sorry, Jamie, push the button to the left of the frontal extreminator on your helmet. The new intercom is still in testing." Jack's voice clearly rang through the glass lining of Jamie's helmet. "Roger that, how does this sound?" Jamie pushed the button and the scratchy sounds from before disappeared without a trace.

Jupiter could use some cleaning up, I'm getting tired of docking here only to find more space trash than the last time I visited. Jamie thought to himself as the remains of the old intercom radio station connector floated through the air. "Jack, I'm going to need to hop back in the ship, the 27th moon is coming around for the second time this year and I think she might hit my ship, I'll only be a minute." With that, Jamie ran into his ship, strapped in, and shot off into the distance in reverse.

After a few minutes passed, the 27th moon was out of the way and Jamie shot back down to Jupiter's surface and exited his craft into the launch bay. "All clear, the Spacetastic Ranger is safe from collision with the 27th moon." Jamie sighed with relief, he had been nervous that his Spacetastic Ranger would turn into more flying debris and circulate Jupiter with the rest of the worthless space junk. Doubts aside, Jamie marched through the launch bay and into commander Collinder's office.

ShadowEyes
July 16th, 2015, 06:17 AM
The air hissed as Jamie stepped out of the docked space craft. His footsteps echoed through the launch bay. With each step, a cloud of dust Just a nit, but do you want the launch bay to be dusty? rose at Jamie's feet. "I wish to speak to commander Collinder." Jamie's voice scratched over the new intercom. An intercom via a headset, outside of his helmet, or is it over a PA system of sorts? To whom is he talking?

"Sorry, Jamie, push the button to the left of the frontal extreminator on your helmet. The new intercom is still in testing." Jack's voice clearly rang through the glass lining of Jamie's helmet. "Roger that, how does this sound?" Jamie pushed the button and the scratchy sounds from before disappeared without a trace.

Jupiter could use some cleaning up, I'm getting tired of docking here only to find more space trash than the last time I visited. Jamie thought to himself as the remains of the old intercom radio station connector floated through the air. "Jack, I'm going to need to hop back in the ship, Then why did he get out of the ship in the first place? Couldn't he have said this while in orbit or something? the 27th moon is coming around for the second time this year and I think she might hit my ship, Where is he in relation to his ship? If it's on the planet, then how will the moon hit it? I'll only be a minute." With that, Jamie ran into his ship, strapped in, and shot off into the distance in reverse.

After a few minutes passed, the 27th moon was out of the way He moved the moon? and Jamie shot back down to Jupiter's surface Isn't Jupiter all gas? and exited his craft into the launch bay. "All clear, the Spacetastic Ranger is safe from collision with the 27th moon." Jamie sighed with relief, he had been nervous that his Spacetastic Ranger would turn into more flying debris and circulate Jupiter with the rest of the worthless space junk. Doubts aside, Jamie marched through the launch bay and into commander Collinder's office. I'm glad he's actually going to do what he showed up to do. I just wish that the exchange had a more immediate purpose.

I like the setting. I think the character is a bit of a goof and probably takes himself too seriously. I hope he has something important to tell the commander. The brief conflict here didn't make too much sense, but you could probably use it to greater potency if the moon had a bigger threat.

HOWEVER, if this is humor, and it's supposed to present how man has advanced so far so as to pull up to space stations like parking a car, then it's great and I take back my comments about the moon business. (:

I hope to read more, yeah?

AtleanWordsmith
July 16th, 2015, 07:00 AM
Would have to agree with ShadowEyes' critique. I'm interested to see where you're going with this, but others may have a harder time getting hooked without more to go on. As a teaser, I'd give it a solid rating, but as an excerpt laid out for critique, there needs to be a bit more story in there.

Hope this helps! Keep on trucking!

HersheyKiss
July 17th, 2015, 04:20 AM
I hope I can think of more to write, but if you check out my blog you might understand if I don't :)

AtleanWordsmith
July 17th, 2015, 08:58 PM
If you ever need a sounding board, feel free to send me a PM or something. I'll even put on pants before I answer it.

I'm classy that way. Like, totally.

Etherhibba
July 19th, 2015, 06:19 AM
A nice twist on sci-fi writing, though I think it could be a bit longer. Nevertheless, I liked it and look forward to reading more of your work C:

Arthur
July 19th, 2015, 07:48 AM
It seems to me maybe an added dialogue where Jack tells Jamie to move his ship because of [insert reason here] which is making the moon orbit dangerously close or what have you is needed, or another source of information for Jamie to learn that from. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just park up for a few minutes later after the moon has passed? Other than the largely redundant part I enjoyed the tease.