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View Full Version : A Slice Of Madness (1139 words) (language)



bunnybun
July 15th, 2015, 09:55 PM
So this is only the fourth thing I ever finish to write. It's bound to be rough, lol.



He hovered over us, watching me give the time of his live to a baldingbusinessman, his dark cap slightly brushing my customer’s back. His lips didn’t move but I could hear his whispers in my ears, “Look at you, how pitiful…” while Gedward flourished inside of me. “Shut up,” I told him. A phony high-pitched moan escaped my lips. “You like it, huh?” said Gedward more as a form of rhetoric rather than a real attempt at conversation. He bit my dark nipple and thrusted harder, making the soft mattress beneath me ripples. I felt as if I was being steamrolled, but I still managed to make some cries that could bemistaken for being of pleasure. I was a professional.

“Are we supposed to boast about such skills?” I hated Shora's mocking tone.

“Fuck off,” I yelled. “I would if I could. Nothing else would please me more.” He cocked his dark-haired head, taking in the sight of my naked body. Even thought I was getting itfrom another man, lust reflected in his amber coloured eyes. It was weird thateven in his current state he would still want to have sex with someone. “Did you forget that I’m as stuck with you as you are with me?” Of course, I hadn’t forgotten, I was reminded of this fact every single second that I lived. “If you won’t leave, shut it, then,” I said.

Perhaps, Shora had decided to listen to me for once because his ghost-like self disappeared from above Gedward. I smiled. Small victories like that mademy day. My boyfriend for the night smiled too, thinking my grin was for him. He also took it as some sort of invitation. Without notice, he sank his fangs inside my neck. The fake blissfulness of the bite was quickly replaced by anger. I’ve always been resistant to drug released by vampires’ fangs.

“What you think you’re doing?” I pushed his head away from my neck,straightening up. Gedward sprawled on the fluffy pillows next to me, green blood dripping from his mouth. “I’m no fuckin’ blood whore. Ain’t Miko tipped you on the rules?” The guy was paying me well, but I had limits. “Come on Cookie, don’t be like that. A little blood spices things up.”

I shook my head. “Honey, I don’t do blood. Miko must have told you that.” “And if I add a hundred?” He had jabbed right on my weak spot. I didn’t want to be mistaken for that kind of girl, but more money meant being lessindebted to Zarishin’s crew and probably brand new designer shoes. It was justa bit of blood after all... “I think I’m worth a little more,” I said, playingwith a lock of my curly hair.

“If you would only let me join you, you wouldn’t be reduced to that,”Shorah meddled. This time, he appeared by my side instead of over Gedward. Myface remained blank as if nothing had happened. Because of Shora’sinterruption, I barely heard my customer propose more money. “Oh and what wouldhave give you in return?” I replied, already knowing the answer. Shora wished that I would give up my body sothat he could use it himself. “Far less than you have already given to manypeople to gain nothing but shame,” I heard him say self-righteously, while I was wondering if I should settle for 200 quorris on top of my regular fee or ask for more.

“Shame! Shame!” I exploded. “You think you was better, you motherfucker? I saw you raping girls for fun, burning and killing without no reason. Yeah you had mad skills but you was just a murderer, and a piece of shit and in the endmyou fucking died,” I yelled. “Oh and should we talk about your death and how stupid you was.”

“You are the idiot.” It was Shorah only response and to my terror, he was right. I was the dumbest girl on Kilse.

I put my hand over my face, not quite sure how to deal with my mistake. When I spoke with Shora and the other memories, I could curse and yell as long as I did it silently, in my mind. And I couldn’t show any outward signs of what wasgoing on. These were the rules by which people like me had to live. I had forgotten them and it could cost me a lot. “What’s wrong with you?” Gedwardstood up from the bed, revulsion twisting his face. “Who are you talking to?”

I glanced at Shorah on my left. Where I had chocolate brown skin, hiswas pale. His tall, broad-shouldered self was dressed from head to toe in black,he wasn’t exactly good-looking but he had some charm. However, only I could see him.

“It’s not what you think…”

“You were yelling at empty air,” Gedward stared at me as if assessingwhat just happened. I could see him putting two and two together. I was a Wayan, so was he and we both knew the most obvious reason why a Wayan would talk to people that were invisible to everyone else as if they were real.

“Look, I was so stressed and tired lately I started to take puppine,” I lied. I had to derail his chain of thoughts before it got out hand. “I have thisfriend Kayla, she told me this drug can mess with your mind, make youhallucinate and sometimes give you psychic power. I didn’t believe, and I told her she was being paranoid. But since yesterday, I started to see things.Tomorrow I’m stopping with puppine. Hopefully, I will get back to normal,” I put on my “I’m so defenceless and naïve” face for good measure. It wasn’tactually entirely a lie. Puppine did truly give hallucinations and sometimes could give magical abilities to people. From what I’ve been told, despite its shortcomings, it was the holy drug to feel blissful and happy. “Anyway, you still up to explore my body?” I asked, giving my big boobs a couple of squeeze. I smiled sultrily. “I’m okay with the blood by the way and no need to put on more money.”

Thank God, Gedwar was obsessed with sex and thank god, I had been blessed with voluptuous curves and a beautiful face. I was as naked as a newborn baby, everything was on display.

“Puppine? You’re crazy. I tried it a few years ago, it fucked up with mymind,” he said coming back on the bed. He licked my breast, than my neck and then he bit my neck on the untouched side. This time, I welcomed him without complaint.

“You were lucky,” said Shorah. “I know,” I replied making sure the words didn’t leak from my mouth.

ShadowEyes
July 16th, 2015, 11:03 PM
He hovered over us, watching me give the time of his live to a baldingbusinessman, Perspective is confused between "me" and "He". Whose viewpoint should the reader assume? his dark cap slightly brushing my customer’s back. Yeah, I'm not sure of the orientation... His lips didn’t move but I could hear his whispers in my ears, “Look at you, how pitiful…” while Gedward flourished inside of me. “Shut up,” I told him. A phony high-pitched moan escaped my lips. “You like it, huh?” said Gedward more as a form of rhetoric rather than a real attempt at conversation. Can't we assume this? He bit my dark nipple and thrusted harder, Is this malicious? making the soft mattress beneath me ripples. I felt as if I was being steamrolled, Is this consistent with a balding businessman? but I still managed to make some cries that could bemistaken for being of pleasure. I was a professional.

I like the "I was a professional" part, but some of this could probably be trimmed, maybe even down to dialogue. The emotion seems to be a veiled pride and urgency. It may seem more urgent if you trimmed it.

“Are we supposed to boast about such skills?” I hated Shora's Who? mocking tone.

“Fuck off,” I yelled. “I would if I could. Nothing else would please me more.” He Who? cocked his dark-haired head, taking in the sight of my naked body. Even thought I was getting itfrom another man, lust reflected in his amber coloured eyes. This suggests to me that he's not human. It was weird thateven in his current state he would still want to have sex with someone. “Did you forget that I’m as stuck with you as you are with me?” Of course, I hadn’t forgotten, I was reminded of this fact every single second that I lived. “If you won’t leave, shut it, then,” I said.

So the conflict seems to be man v. "man". There seems to be internal conflict, too, (such as she doesn't like his presence, even though presumably he's seen it before) but it's obscured by the action of the scene. We don't know if she's bothered because she's busy or because he's just annoying.
Also, doesn't the client notice her words?

Perhaps, Shora had decided to listen to me for once because his ghost-like self disappeared from above Gedward. I smiled. Small victories like that mademy day. My boyfriend for the night smiled too, thinking my grin was for him. I think it's important to distinguish ...ahem, when the character (the vampire) is done steamrolling. So, for instance, if you're going to be descriptive, make sure one action matches another. If not, and you want to focus on thoughts, then keep it as such. Basically, follow-up or stay consistent. He also took it as some sort of invitation. Without notice, he sank his fangs inside my neck. The fake blissfulness of the bite was quickly replaced by anger. I’ve always been resistant to drug released by vampires’ fangs. I'm getting a bit of genre overload here. Gentlemen/whores; ghosts; vampires.

“What you think you’re doing?” I pushed his head away from my neck,straightening up. Gedward sprawled on the fluffy pillows next to me, green blood dripping from his mouth. “I’m no fuckin’ blood whore. Ain’t Miko tipped you on the rules?” The guy was paying me well, but I had limits. “Come on Cookie, don’t be like that. A little blood spices things up.”
Okay so now the conflict shifted from the ghost to her partner. But you kept the motive of pride, which is good.

I shook my head. “Honey, I don’t do blood. Miko must have told you that.” “And if I add a hundred?” He had jabbed right on my weak spot. I didn’t want to be mistaken for that kind of girl, but more money meant being lessindebted to Zarishin’s crew and probably brand new designer shoes. This messes up the conflict, in my opinion, unless it's a separate conflict. Being able to afford designer shoes means that it's less dramatic/not life-or-death. So the follow-up of tempting him is also less dramatic. If you want to increase the drama, then make her obviously desperate or him obviously in the wrong. If she's greedy, then how is she better than he? It was justa bit of blood after all... “I think I’m worth a little more,” I said, playingwith a lock of my curly hair.

“If you would only let me join you, you wouldn’t be reduced to that,”Shorah meddled. This time, he appeared by my side instead of over Gedward. Myface remained blank as if nothing had happened. Because of Shora’sinterruption, I barely heard my customer propose more money. This is an interesting dynamic. “Oh and what wouldhave give you in return?” I replied, How doesn't Gedward notice? already knowing the answer. Shora wished that I would give up my body sothat he could use it himself. “Far less than you have already given to manypeople to gain nothing but shame,” I heard him say self-righteously, while I was wondering if I should settle for 200 quorris on top of my regular fee or ask for more.

“Shame! Shame!” I exploded. “You think you was better, you motherfucker? I saw you raping girls for fun, burning and killing without no reason. Yeah you had mad skills but you was just a murderer, and a piece of shit and in the endmyou fucking died,” I yelled. “Oh and should we talk about your death and how stupid you was.”

“You are the idiot.” It was Shorah only response and to my terror, he was right. I was the dumbest girl on Kilse.

I put my hand over my face, not quite sure how to deal with my mistake. When I spoke with Shora and the other memories, I could curse and yell as long as I did it silently, in my mind. And I couldn’t show any outward signs of what wasgoing on. These were the rules by which people like me had to live. I had forgotten them and it could cost me a lot. “What’s wrong with you?” Gedwardstood up from the bed, revulsion twisting his face. “Who are you talking to?”

I glanced at Shorah on my left. Where I had chocolate brown skin, hiswas pale. His tall, broad-shouldered self was dressed from head to toe in black,he wasn’t exactly good-looking but he had some charm. However, only I could see him.

“It’s not what you think…”

“You were yelling at empty air,” Gedward stared at me as if assessingwhat just happened. I could see him putting two and two together. I was a Wayan, so was he and we both knew the most obvious reason why a Wayan would talk to people that were invisible to everyone else as if they were real.

Okay, so this conflict is a bit muddier. I mean, Gedward should have noticed her talking to herself from the get-go, or at least by the second time.
“Look, I was so stressed and tired lately I started to take puppine,” I lied. I had to derail his chain of thoughts before it got out hand. “I have thisfriend Kayla, she told me this drug can mess with your mind, make youhallucinate and sometimes give you psychic power. I didn’t believe, and I told her she was being paranoid. But since yesterday, I started to see things.Tomorrow I’m stopping with puppine. Hopefully, I will get back to normal,” I put on my “I’m so defenceless and naïve” face for good measure. It wasn’tactually entirely a lie. Puppine did truly give hallucinations and sometimes could give magical abilities to people. From what I’ve been told, despite its shortcomings, it was the holy drug to feel blissful and happy. “Anyway, you still up to explore my body?” I asked, giving my big boobs a couple of squeeze. I smiled sultrily. “I’m okay with the blood by the way and no need to put on more money.”

Thank God, Gedwar was obsessed with sex and thank god, I had been blessed with voluptuous curves and a beautiful face. I was as naked as a newborn baby, everything was on display.
However, I think the way that you handled the conflict was okay. You gave the partner an obsession with drugs and sex and so it doesn't matter what you say around him. The only noticeable problem for the reader is that we don't know what the consequences are of talking to a ghost. Once again, we don't know if it's life-or-death. If this problem was addressed earlier, and deliberately, on the part of the main character, it would've been more dramatic. It would've been active guile rather than reactive guile. Active guile puts the consequences squarely on the main character's shoulders because she's had time to reflect on the actions. Reacting gives her (and the reader) less time, so it reveals less about her (and how many consequences she's willing to bear).

“Puppine? You’re crazy. I tried it a few years ago, it fucked up with mymind,” he said coming back on the bed. He licked my breast, than my neck and then he bit my neck on the untouched side. This time, I welcomed him without complaint.

“You were lucky,” said Shorah. “I know,” I replied making sure the words didn’t leak from my mouth. I don't like to think of it as just luck, though. If it was just luck, then the main character's actions are even further lessened.


Altogether, I would recommend to pay attention to the character's motives and the amount of information that you reveal. If you reveal information as it's relevant, it seems like a deus ex machina, instead of being foreshadowed like Chekhov's gun. Some points to remember: 1. Drama is proportional to the amount of life-or-death decisions the character makes. The reader only knows that this is a choice if we know that she had any other choice. (Hence the necessity of knowing revealing information beforehand.) 2. Try to keep the character's motive consistent and repeated. The character, in this scene, seems to go from pride to anger to desperation. If she started at pride, perhaps wanted to push the character to up his price, and then played off his anger, it would be fooling, but fooling the antagonist, not the reader. The reader would know she's consistently prideful, and only playing those other things.

Anyway, I thought it was imaginative, if a bit lewd. I think it's really cool that you have a ghost side-kick, and I'm really fond of those type of stories. The genres are a bit rehashed, but it seems to be in a fantasy world, so that's okay. If you give us a solid, desperate conflict from the get-go, along with giving the character a solid motive, and focusing the reader's attention to the various aspects of it, then the story would be awfully exciting. Regardless, I hope you work on it. Feel free to PM me if you want any more information. (:

bunnybun
July 17th, 2015, 09:58 PM
Altogether, I would recommend to pay attention to the character's motives and the amount of information that you reveal. If you reveal information as it's relevant, it seems like a deus ex machina, instead of being foreshadowed like Chekhov's gun. Some points to remember: 1. Drama is proportional to the amount of life-or-death decisions the character makes. The reader only knows that this is a choice if we know that she had any other choice. (Hence the necessity of knowing revealing information beforehand.) 2. Try to keep the character's motive consistent and repeated. The character, in this scene, seems to go from pride to anger to desperation. If she started at pride, perhaps wanted to push the character to up his price, and then played off his anger, it would be fooling, but fooling the antagonist, not the reader. The reader would know she's consistently prideful, and only playing those other things.

Anyway, I thought it was imaginative, if a bit lewd. I think it's really cool that you have a ghost side-kick, and I'm really fond of those type of stories. The genres are a bit rehashed, but it seems to be in a fantasy world, so that's okay. If you give us a solid, desperate conflict from the get-go, along with giving the character a solid motive, and focusing the reader's attention to the various aspects of it, then the story would be awfully exciting. Regardless, I hope you work on it. Feel free to PM me if you want any more information. (:



Hi,


Thank you for commenting on my work! It's really helpful! I think I should have given some context. This story is part of a bigger story, what I've posted was just a excerpt. Shorah the "ghost" in the story isn't actually a ghost, he's just a memory. Basically, as you've noticed the MC is a vampire called Wayan. There are several type of vampires in the world I've created. The type of vampire she is can develop a sort of illness that makes them connect with the memory of their ancestors. I'm not sure if it's clear, lol. The wayan that suffer fromt this illness hear the voice of these memories in their head, they have vision of their life that blind them the real world, they can also have conversation with them (that's what is happening in the story I posted). This illness leads to madness, or turning into a monster. Wayan who have this illness are shunned by society (this is why the MC is scared at the end). Also, memories no matter their original personality, always want to take over the body of the person they're related to.

So, yes, the MC in my story doesn't like having Shorah by her side. She wants to get rid of him but she doesn't know how. But she has to cope with him everyday, every second of her life and it's very hard for her.

About the MC herself. She's a very messed up character with tons of problems in her life. She's indebted to a mafia group (Zashirin's crew) . She has pride, but she's ready to forget about her values for money or expensive stuff. That's what I wanted to show in the story (I'm not sure if I succeeded, lol). Also, she's very shallow, hence why she's thinking about using the money she might get to buy shoes. Also, she's truly mad. The conversation with Shora is happening in her head and only her can see him. That's why Gedward doesn't notice until the very end because she starts talking outloud. This is where the "conflict" happen because she shows traits of madness. “"I know,” I replied making sure the words didn’t leak from my mouth." Notice that she precise that words didn't leak from her mouth.

My original aim when writing this story was to confuse the reader. I didn't want to make it obvious that the MC was mad and was talking to someone who in a way only exist in her head. I hoped they would have been able to guess while reading. Since you weren't able to, that means I need to work again, lol. Anyway, I'll re-write make some change to the story. Hopefully, it'll be better and clearer.

bunnybun
July 20th, 2015, 05:18 PM
So I made some change to my excerpt. Hopefully, it's better.


Shorah hovered over us, watching me give the time of his live to the balding businessman. His lips didn’t move but I could hear his whispers in my ears, “Look at you, how pitiful…” while Gedward flourished inside of me. “Shut up.” None of my mouth’s muscles moved either. I had mastered the art of communicating by telepathy without seeming to. It wasn’t exactly telepathy though, since in a way, I was speaking to myself. A phony high pitched moan escaped my lips. “You like it, huh?” blurted Gedward, more as a way to show his own excitement rather than an attempt at conversation. He nipped at my dark nipple and thrusted harder, making the soft mattress beneath me ripples. The dude was going for passionate aggressiveness, but as it was, I felt I was being steamrolled. Not painful but definitely not fun. I still managed to make some cries that could be mistaken for being of pleasure. I was a professional.

“Are we supposed to boast about such skills?” Shorah’s voice filled my mind without notice. I hated his mocking tone.

“Fuck off,” I sent him, anger seeping through every word.

“I would if I could. Nothing else would please me more.” He cocked his dark-haired head taking in the sight of my naked body. Even thought I was getting it from another man, lust reflected in his amber coloured eyes. It was weird that even in his current state he would still want to have sex with someone. “Did you forget that I’m as stuck with you as you are with me?” He added.

Of course, I hadn’t forgotten, I was reminded of this fact every single second that I lived.

“If you won’t leave, shut it, then,” I said.

Perhaps, Shora had decided to listen to me for once because his ghost-like self disappeared from above Gedward. I smiled. Small victories like that made my day. My boyfriend for the night smiled too, thinking my grin was for him. He also took it as some sort of invitation. Without notice, he halted the steamroll and sank his fangs inside my neck. The fake blissfulness of the bite was quickly replaced by anger. I’ve always been resistant to drug released by vampires’ fangs.

“What you think you’re doing?” I pushed his head away from my neck, straightening up. Gedward sprawled on the fluffy pillows next to me, green blood dripping from his mouth. “I’m no fuckin’ blood whore. Ain’t Miko tipped you on the rules?” The guy was paying me well, but I had limits. “Come on Cookie, don’t be like that. A little blood spices things up.”

I shook my head. “Honey, I don’t do blood. Miko must have told you that.” “And if I add a hundred?” He had jabbed right on my weak spot. I didn’t want to be mistaken for that kind of girl, but more money meant being less indebted to Zarishin’s crew and probably brand new designer shoes. It was just a bit of blood after all... “I think I’m worth a little more,” I said, playing with a lock of my curly hair.

“If you would only let me join you, you wouldn’t be reduced to that,” Shorah meddled. This time, he appeared by my side instead of over Gedward. My face remained blank as if nothing had happened. Because of Shorah’s interruption, I barely heard my customer propose more money. “Oh and what would have give you in return?” I replied to Shorah, already knowing the answer. He wished that I would give up my body so that he could use it himself. “Far less than you have already given to many people to gain nothing but shame,” I heard him say self-righteously, while I was wondering if I should settle for 200 quorris on top of my regular fee or ask for more.

“Shame! Shame!” I exploded, turning to face him. “You think you was better, you motherfucker? I saw you raping girls for fun, burning and killing without no reason. Yeah you had mad skills but you was just a murderer, and a piece of shit and in the end you fucking died,” I yelled. “Oh and should we talk about your death and how stupid you was.”

“You are the idiot.” It was Shorah only response and to my terror, he was right. I was the dumbest girl on Kilse.

I put my hand over my face, not quite sure how to deal with my mistake. When I spoke with Shorah and the other memories, I could curse and yell as long as I did it silently, in my mind. And I couldn’t show any outward signs of what was going on. These were the rules by which people like me had to live. I had forgotten them and it could cost me a lot.

“What’s wrong with you?” Gedward stood up from the bed, revulsion twisting his face. “Who are you talking to?”

I glanced at Shorah on my left. Where I had chocolate brown skin, his was pale. His tall, broad-shouldered self was dressed from head to toe in black, he wasn’t exactly good-looking but he had some charm. However, only I could see him. Real or my own projection, I’ve never been quite sure.

“It’s not what you think…”

“You were yelling at empty air,” Gedward stared at me as if assessing what just happened. I could see him putting two and two together. I was a Wayan, so was he and we both knew the most obvious reason why a Wayan would talk to people that were invisible to everyone else as if they were real.

“Look, I was so stressed and tired lately I started to take puppine,” I lied. I had to derail his chain of thought before it got out hand. “I have this friend Kayla, she told me this drug can mess with your mind, make you hallucinate and sometimes give you psychic power. I didn’t believe, and I told her she was being paranoid. But since yesterday, I started to see things. Tomorrow, I’m stopping with this shit. Hopefully, I’ll get back to normal,” I put on my “I’m so defenceless and naïve” face for good measure. It wasn’t actually entirely a lie. Puppine did truly give hallucinations and sometimes could give magical abilities to people. From what I’ve been told, despite its shortcomings, it was the holy drug to feel blissful and happy. “Anyway, you still up to explore my body?” I asked, giving my big boobs a couple of squeeze. I smiled sultrily. “I’m okay with the blood by the way and no need to put on more money.”

Thank God, Gedwar was obsessed with sex and thank god, I had been blessed with voluptuous curves and a beautiful face. I was as naked as a newborn baby, everything was on display.

“Puppine?” He said after a moment, coming back on the bed. “You’re crazy. I tried it a few years ago. It fucked up with my mind.” He licked my breast, then my neck before drawing blood on the untouched side. This time, I welcomed his bit without complaint.

“You were lucky,” Shorah’s voice resonated between my ears. “I know,” I replied making sure the words didn’t leak from my mouth.